“You have inflammatory breast cancer.” On November 5, 1999, the day I heard these words, I realized I was in a battle for my life. A force I could not control was locked inside my body destroying it. The prognosis was dismal; at best I might live three years. No one of us knows the number of days or years we will live, but just hearing a number beyond which I likely would not live was frighteningly awesome. What began as a whirlwind of activity to fight the demon settled into a pattern of chemotherapy, surgery and radiation, followed by years of weekly chemo and Herceptin infusions, punctuated by metastasis to my lungs, sarcoidosis, as well as numerous side effects from the drugs. Ten and one half years later I am very much alive, receiving only Herceptin infusions every three weeks. In the course of this journey, what I originally named a curse I now appreciate as a blessing. Living with inflammatory breast cancer has renewed my sense of awe and wonder at the amazing gift and beauty of each day. Anxiety and pain brought me to a spiritual rebirth of joy and peace for which I am most grateful.
During that first year with breast cancer, I prayed for strength and courage to endure the sickness and exhaustion, as well as the indignities of hair loss and the loss of both breasts. My family and friends, colleagues and students prayed for a miracle of healing, and my sister, Gail, and I made a pilgrimage to Lourdes, a place in France Catholics hold sacred. Every night at Lourdes there is a procession around the shrine of Mary, a woman familiar with suffering, asking her intercession with God for healing of body and mind, families and nations. Each person carries a candle and voices are raised in song in a multitude of languages. Sparks of light are so clear, so alive, the darker the night! The light is pregnant with hope and joy; gratitude is the only response. Yes, I was blessed with a miracle of healing at Lourdes. My miracle was not physical healing; it was intense gratitude for the sacredness of suffering, and a realization that I needed to let go, hold life gently and live in the present moment.
Over these many years I have kept vigil with cancer, I have learned to give up my violent feeling toward it and to forgive it for intruding in my life. I have learned to honor cancer as my teacher, and to thank God for its gifts. Cancer has taught me to love the present with an abiding realization that I am dying to live as well as living to die. Cancer has helped me touch the God who dwells within me, so to love with greater passion the people and beauty that surround me. I greet each day with the words of the poet e. e. cummings, “I thank you God for most this amazing day.” In the evening I bring to mind all the sights, sounds, feelings and people who were amazing gifts of that day. I am even learning to recognize the grace in the bad and ugly parts of some days – to name the hurt or pain and to let it go. There is too much love I want to share and too much good I want to do to allow myself to be buried by the weight of anger or fear about the cancer or anything else.
Each one of us, sisters and brothers with breast cancer, no matter our faith tradition, is invited into the divine wellspring of our lives to tend to that spark of life and light deep within us, flowing through us. Each moment matters; each moment is the moment to be celebrated. This is our joy and our reason for hope.
Beautiful thoughts. Thank you very much for sharing them with us.
Sister,
I thank you for sharing your story of survival and strength. I love how you shared with us, how God turned this into something so much larger for you. Your story, and the way you tell it, helps us to see BC on a ” larger” scale. I am thankful you are cancer free Sister! Gods Love
Your journey gives me great inspiration and hope. I saw myself mirrored in your story – I, too, have been battling this insidious disease for nearly 4 years. It has been a journey of pain and times I am filled with despair. But, too, it has brought my barest self before God and I have grown more deeply than I thought possible. And so it is a journey of hope, self-love, forgiveness, and resurrection. Thank you for sharing and many blessings.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am preparing for my second surgery right now to get clear margins. This has been going on for three months since my initial diagnosis. If you can battle this as long as you have, I can certainly make it through my battle.
I wish you many blessings and a long future.
Dear Sister Nancy,
I was diagnosed April 2009 with IBC stage III. I am doing well at this point and I also teach at a Catholic school. It is my dream to do a pilgrimage to Lourdes. Thank you for sharing your story. Would you please keep my sister (ovarian cancer 2009) and I in your prayers? I so believe in the power of prayers to Mary. God has kept us cancer free for about a year now. God bless all you do.
Susi from Texas
Dear Sister Nancy,
I was diagnosed with IBC in 2007 and it has truly been a battle for me.I still can’t believe it happen to me..Where do you get the courage to fight?I lost my breast and was told that reconstruction is not an option for me.I feel depressed on most days and I have allowed the cancer to break my spirit.I no longer feel like me.How can I get to where I need to be?I often think of suicide but I know that’s not the answer.Please Please pray for me and my family because this disease not only has took a toll on me but my whole family.I’m a believer and I’m trying really hard to come out fighting and a winner.
We’re glad that you are reaching out for help.
If you have been thinking about suicide, get help right away. When things are so bad that suicide seems like the only choice, it’s a sign that depression, discouragement, or despair are strong. These feelings — plus a difficult life situation — can make it seem like there’s no way out, and maybe even that suicide is the only choice. But you do have choices. You need support from someone who knows how to help people work through tough situations. A psychologist, psychiatrist, religious leader, counselor or other trained behavioral health professional can give you that support.
If you need help finding someone to talk to right now, or if you are thinking about suicide, call a suicide crisis line (such as 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-999-9999) or the local suicide helpline in your neighborhood. You can also always dial 911. These toll-free lines are staffed by trained professionals who can help you without ever knowing your name or seeing your face.
There is help and hope. Don’t try to handle the crisis alone.
Sister,
God is good.
What I have gone through. What I am still going through, as Made me a stronger person, then I ever was.
I am so grateful for your story! I am currently living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer – taking weekly chemo treatments,,,,,
I have HOPE that my life will be filled with PEACE through this journey…keeping FAITH that I will be “Cancer Free” again!
Sister, Thank you.
This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You’ve inspired me to be braver. And to go to mass…. It’s been awhile.
Your storey is one of great inspiration. At just the right time it found its way to me. Now being grateful for each day is not only my state of mind, but my state of spirit as well.
Thank you so much for your comments regarding IBC.
I was diagnosed on the 26th May this year.
I go to bed each evening and say ‘thank you’ to whoever is up there looking after me and give a ‘big thank you’ for giving me another day. I can only hope that I can carry on looking on the bright side of my life and thank goodness for all the love and support I have received from my family and friends. Once again thank you.
Sister Nancy, thank you for the inspiring story that you have beautifully written. You are a testimony of God’s grace and healing. I struggle with the notion of considering cancer a “blessing” – surely God can work good out of cancer (Ro 8:28) and often He blesses us through it. But I will never glorify cancer or believe that it comes from God (1 Jn 1:5) to teach us; rather, He works good out of it by teaching us. He is the One who deserves all glory and honor, not cancer. Your act of releasing forgiveness is awesome and inspiring, and surely it has released God’s power in your life. Praise be to God (not cancer) for the amazing revelation and appreciation for life that He has given you. May you continue to walk well and be a living testimony to His healing power.
http://www.hisfaceinmyjourney.blogspot.com