The other day, I came across a poll that said many cancer caregivers don’t think of themselves as caregivers. I sure didn’t when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. The word caregiver sounds clinical and detached. It makes me think of a white-clad attendant, offering tea and pills to a bedbound patient. That surely wasn’t me. And my wife was far from helpless. In fact, as I came to see, she was in charge of her treatment, selecting a team of doctors and settling on a treatment plan.
So what was I? I was my wife’s strategic adviser at doctor’s appointments, taking notes and reminding her of questions she wanted to ask (but never asking for her). I was her lover, reassuring her that even with a bald head, she was beautiful (and she was!). I was her supply sergeant, dashing out to find ginger candies she craved on a cold winter’s night. I was her confidant, listening to her honest emotions and fighting the urge to say, “Cheer up honey!” when all she wanted to do was talk about how much cancer sucks.
There were many times I didn’t know what to do. I kept wishing for a book that would have helped me understand how complicated it is to deal with a partner’s cancer. I couldn’t find one, so I wrote one myself: Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment, and Beyond. I talked to many doctors, mental health experts, and breast cancer couples. From talking to doctors, therapists, and couples for the book, I learned that it is indeed complicated to care for a loved one who has cancer, that we clueless husbands are bound to get some things wrong. And we are all caregivers in the truest sense of the word. We are giving care, in the form of love and support at a time when they are desperately needed. I also learned that despite the complications of cancer, despite the fact that couples work things out in their own individual way, there is one piece of advice, shared with me by many women, that always seem to work. Attention male givers of care: Fight your “Mr. Fix It” instincts and just “shut up and listen” to your wife.
Marc, you’ve hit it exactly. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle with a serious illness; it’s a very helpless feeling. Several years ago I had the gift of being a caregiver for a good friend of mine with terminal cancer, and more recently, for my own mother, who had cancer and other issues; in the middle of caring for my mother, I discovered my own cancer. I’ve been on both sides of the door and I think the most important thing you can do is, as you said, shut up and listen. That, and love. Thank you for the post.
wow, wish i could hit my husband over the head with your book!! maybe i was too calm when i explained i was diagnosed with breast cancer, but he definitely has taken a wide berth around the subject. it’s like i said, ‘i have a hang nail’. i know i can get through this myself, but i guess i was hoping to have him step-up. he shut up, but really has no interest in listening…not a ‘boo-hoo’, but just a statement that all spouses are not created equally…
I see my husband right there. At the moment of my diagnosis, he transformed himself into, not only my care giver, but also my personal valet, butler, chauffer, and chef. He sat with me, reading a book, sharing his net surfing discoveries while I was going through my weak episodes post-chemo. As if that wasn’t enough, my husband joined me when I shaved my head in anticipation of the hair-fall chemo side effect. I am blessed with a husband who is both my best friend and hero.
My husband I think initially went into totally denial…….after hammering him a time or two and after my first surgery he finally began to realize it was real and it wasn’t going away any time soon…….in the long run he came through for me but not without a few dents in his shins from me……
My own mom died of cancer when I was a teen. It was a long time ago but left me with an intense skepticism. I find it hard to support the poisonous choices offered with breast cancer treatment and I challenge the whole pink thing
My friend now has breast cancer and is of like mind
I am listening. I know I help her
I wonder if it is right for her
I wonder if there are enough discusions answering the question of , “What if I don’t do this
i.e. radiation
Is it possible that women choose radical treatment because no one leaves room for the question … what if I don’t do this?
Husbands! Head’s up! Get the book and read it! Great information! I am not a big reader, but this one gives info that I can remember when I need it. Do it now before you forget this book exists.