Topic: Made it through surgeries, chemo, and arimidex but now

Spar, so sorry you are having a hard time, you have been generous, kind and uplifting to others on this journey.  I will never minimize the ravages this disease causes and managing the long-term emotional and physical side effects is more than challenging.   I wish I had some good, solid advice for you.  For me, the days that I rest and read positive stories seem to rejuvenate me.  I try to stay away from the negative.  I still say my favorite four letter word is hope.  I hope for better for us, better treatments, better physicality, better aesthetic outcomes. You have been there for many of us, PM me if you need to.  I wish I could do more.  Maryiz 

Spar-You're not alone. Even if I try to put up my invisible armour to protect me or try to not take something personal when I'm around other people; I still cry when I'm alone if someone says something to upset me. (but everything upsets me these days)

I also don't feel so alone when I spend time each day thinking/ or meditating about a power greater than myself-God.

But I do know it can be hard. I've never cried so much in my life. Take good care of yourself.

thank you all so much for your posts, that in itself helped me a lot, just knowing I am not going crazy or alone in this after process.  I do have a dr. appt with my primary care physician the 6th.  I need to read and meditate on the bible more because it seems I am even slipping away from the Lord and that is what got me through this whole thing.  I do need to get my hope back and I know this too shall pass.  Thanks again everyone.  will let you know what the PCP says about it.

Spar--I'm glad that you realize that you are not crazy or alone in dealing with all this. I agree with Ellen that this is an "important chapter in the breast cancer drama" and that it is worthwhile writing and sharing our experiences and ways of coping. I know from my two past and my most recent experience with breast ca that there are multiple ways of coping, and I also know it can be tiresome and discouraging trying to find the "right mix" of coping strategies. That mix might include an antidepressant, walking/exercising, meditation or meditative activities like T'ai chi, counseling, gardening, singing, spending time in nature, sharing with our breast cancer sisters, resting instead of go-go-going, reading, creating art or crafts, you-name-it. I don't think any single thing has helped me in the past.

I currently am struggling with "some" anxiety and a significant amount of grief, which I think is contributing to periods of depression. I am trying to be mindful of whether I am experiencing a full-blown episode of clinical depression, and at this point I just don't know for sure. I completed T/C chemo in May, just had more surgery about 12 days ago, and will soon embark on another hormonal therapy journey. At this point I realize that I am dealing not only with the physical toll of treatment but also the psychological impact of cancer and treatment. I read somewhere about the impact of cancer itself within our bodies/minds with regard to creating depression and how the stress of living with/after cancer often compounds mood "disturbances." I know all this intellectually, yet at times I feel almost guilty when in a depressed or discouraged mood, thinking that I should be grateful for each and every day and trying my best to embrace life. I have to be careful here, because I don't want to feel "like a failure" when I am not optimistic and cheerful all the time and especially since I, like so many others, have experienced feelings of inferiority from having cancer in the first place.

So, I hope you, I and others who struggle with the psychological impact of cancer will find what works to help us cope, and in the process share our stories and coping strategies with each other. I know I feel less alone today having read the above and sharing my experience. I imagine I'll be checking in again....

Spar,

When I posted that lengthly post above last night I turned the PC off and didn't see that you had an appointment the same day as I do. (We must have been typing at the same time and you got yours posted first - so I never saw it.) You know there are times when we can't even pray or read and it's those times the Holy Spirit in us - prays to the Father for us. I've been there many times and a good friend reminded me that it is those times when we must "Be still and know He is God."

I really liked what Mlksem's dr. told her "Take your foot off the gas!" THAT IS SO ME!  I've always been the one that did for and took care of everyone else and it is hard for me not to be that person anymore!

Brenda,

I liked what you said and you are right. My biggest comfort is the Bible and good books, Prayer, and Music ---- am determined to start a walking program. I've learned if I am doing something, even crafts, and it starts to get on my nerves to put it down and go do something else. Sometimes that something else is a stroll through my garden and just sitting on the deck for a while. I've been through BC -- and have to admit I also have never been this old before.. (and that might just be a factor, too!)

Arnie,

I've fought it tooth and nail --- but if my dr. says I need an anti depressant ---- I think I MIGHT  try it.

Good day to all!

and God bless!

JO

Spar,  you are NOT alone.  My experience with an antidepressant has been a good one.  I agree with you all that our psychological issues are often lost amidst the adomonitions for well intentioned family and friends to be strong and fight this thing.  Depression is a terrible disease, but there are many ways out of it.  Good for you for reaching out!  God bless us all sisters.

Your minister said what???? Hang in there Spar, many of us have been there and have an idea how you feel.  Take care of yourself.

Spar I just came across your post......I am so sorry you are going through this.....And that minister is supposed to be man of God??......What is wrong with people nowadays?.....Spar you have always been there for me and I hope I can be here for you.....I have PM'd you, sweetie......(((Spar))))

Amen Susanb2.  Years ago, pre-BC but after my total hysterectomy, I also became very depressed but didn't want to take meds.  Two of my friends, one an ob-gyn the other a minister told me the same - there is no shame in taking an antidepressant.  If our brain chemicals are out of whack we need to help them along until they get back in line.  I did, it worked, and I've been off of them for several years now and my mood has stayed upbeat, even through this journey.

Spar sweetie, I'm absolutely appalled by your minister's comments.  I'm glad God is not finished with him yet because he has a lot of spiritual growing to do.  The good news is that you have your faith and just as it got you through your dx and tx it will also get you through this.  God loves you and so do I.

Spar,

Glad you got some meds. I did too at my drs. appt. today. I won't take the time or space to post all of it ----- but you can read it over on our Older Women w/ BC thread. I posted it all there.

My dr. did say that you cannot take a chemical into your body for five years - go off all at once and not probably have issues with it. He says weaning off will probably not help because if one is prone to having these issues it would just prolong it. He asked me to be patient and give my body time to adjust. He assured me that it is not my imagination and will get better.

As for your minister and what he said. Been there and had similar things happen. Perhaps God has somewhere else He wants you to be. I find that I have to visit several times after I find a church I think I like...... and sometimes I know right away if it is not for me. We have been attending our current church for 2 years and will probably join ---- but it takes time!  Meanwhile, I hope you get this resolved because we feel like we are in limbo when we don't have a church home, don't we?

God bless!

JO

Hi Spar, I'm glad you will try the meds.  They do sometimes take time to work so give it some time.  God has not left you and never will.

I think we have all had some rough periods in our Christian walk, hurt by those we trust and who we know should know better.  It is unsettling when we forget that all "Christians" are not following Jesus.  Take your time before deciding to stay at Cornerstone or visiting other churches.  I'm glad your DH finally "heard" even if it did not happen until he saw it in writing. 

Blessings.

Well, getting ready to go to a new church this morning and feeling somewhat better.  JO, I know this is crazy but if I have to do this trip off arimidex I am so glad you are with me.  Love you friend.  God bless you all and hope you all have a great day.

Hey JO, think about it this way.  If that devil left you alone it would be because he felt he had you and no longer needed to bother.  When I feel he is "messing" with me I smile because it means he knows I belong to the mighty Father.  Remember, satan doesn't need to go after those already in his corner!

Hi Spar!  Glad to hear you are doing better.  My note to JO above goes for you as well.  The devil knows you don't belong to him so he will step up his attempts, but we know to whom we belong - our Father in heaven - Hallelujah!

Oh Patoo, I knew there was a reason I love and need you so much.  It is your wonderful loving wisdom.  thank you and you are so right.

I did like the new church very much but am going to visit some some churches also.

JO, I had that jaw neck pain too and the dentist said he could tell instantly it was caused by me gritting my teeth and made me a little thing that fits just on the front couple of teeth so I can't grit them (couldn't do the whole mouth piece because of gag reflex) and it worked with a couple of weeks the pain was gone.  Hope your is something simple like that.  Please let us know when you find out.

Haven't heart of Billy Sunday but when I go to the library will look him up and see what they have.

Susan, am feeling better, don't think I will ever get over the church rejection but with time the pain will fade and the new church was very uplifting.  It is hard to lose people you thought were your closest friends.

lovemyfamily, the new church caters to young and old, there are all ages, my old church was mostly young people but at the time I didn't think anything about it.  The couple I hung with was the preachers in-laws and they are about the only other older couple.  Am hopeing the church at least learns the young people Gods word.  Have talked to several other people that use to go to church there and what I am hearing from them is "I feel something is really wrong at that church"  and now so do I.

Hope you all have a God blessed day.