Topic: Trouble accepting help - overwhelmed

Hi Cbusmom23 and bless you.  I was in your place one year ago.  Had bi lat mastectomy on 10/28/08 but am older.  My line of work is a medical social worker.  I'm usually  the one who can give that help,etc. but not then.  I found I needed someone to be a gatekeeper for me for all the calls, etc.  My sister was here during the surgery and my wonderful husband took the role later.  I did not take calls but screened them.  When we have to tell the story over and over again, we can feel victimized by it over and over again.  Family and friends don't necessarily understand that as they are doing what they need to do to feel better.It doesn't occur to them that they are not helping you.    Find that person in your life who an be the gatekeeper for you.  When you feel like talking, you can.  When you need to have peace, have someone else do the talking.  If there is no one to do that for you, just let the calls go to messages and answer then you can.  Believe it or not, I still do this.  This journey is a tough one and some days it takes all one can just to get through the days without having to talk, talk, talk.  You will find what you need on these discussion boards and the support from those who understand better than anyone else.  Hang in there.  You are a strong woman and you need to take care of you right now.  Friends and family need to learn a new way to help you.

I am the family member that always host family dinners, bbq's and holiday events.  I was also used to being the organized friend that put everything together, helped friends out, etc and found it very difficult to accept help.  However, early on a friend sat me down and told me it was my turn to accept the help - she told me I wouldn't have had so many people helping if I hadn't helped so many friends and family over the years.  It was hard, but I learned to say thank you and have realized that people enjoy helping, much like I used to enjoy helping those in need.  In the early days of surgery and chemo it was not only overwhelming for me, but for my family so to have meals sent for them to choose from has really helped.  I'm still in chemo and....... my cousin and MIL still send meals weekly, which is great when I have a day I just don't feel like cooking - I take out one of their meals.

As for the phone calls, I took each and every one of them and talked over and over about the same things, but soon found it difficult and tiring.  Luckily I had that same friend that told me to just say thank you and accept the help realize that it was tiring for me to relay the same information over and over so we decided that I would relay the information to one or two people in our group and they would pass it on via email.  If they called and I was just not up to a phone call I didn't answer the phone, when I am ready I answer the phone or return missed calls.  They understand w/o being upset.  I had surgery at the end of June, am still in chemo and we still call each other regularly, email and visit and they really do understand when I go a few days without calling. 

The early days are hard, everyone wants to help, they're concerned, worried and grappling with their own emotions, they don't know what to say and/or say the wrong things at the wrong time, but they are stumbling much like you are.  It will all balance out - accept the help.

Good luck and know that coming here is a great place to vent, share and get support.

Dear Cbusmom23:

So sorry you are here, but there are a lot of wonderful women you can talk to.  mbtlcsw01 is right.  You need to take care of you right now.  Being available to everyone to answer their questions and concerns takes away from energy and focus you need to give yourself.  Don't feel badly about shifting the task to someone else.  The gatekeeper is a great thing.  Also, some people put together a web page or a facebook page which they can restrict to only people they want to see it.  Maybe your gatekeeper could create a facebook page (it's really easy) and post daily updates and answer Qs that way.  You need your energy for you.

Be good to you -

I think there are a lot of us out here -  women who are used to doing for others and have an incredibly difficult time accepting anything in return.  I completely understand how you are feeling.  Especially in the beginning, I used my husband a lot to take phone calls and brief people on how things were.  We don't have caller ID, so if he felt up to answering he did, otherwise, we let the machine pick it up.  I was constantly reminded that people didn't really expect me to talk, they just wanted to let someone in the family know that they were there and that they cared.  My co-workers set up a food prep calendar immediately after my surgery and one person would deliver meals every few days or so.  In the beginning, I wept every time someone did something for me.  I was completely blown away by the generosity and kindness.  Then, I slowly began to listen to what I kept on hearing, "you are always there for everyone else, now it is our turn to be there for you."  I am three months out of chemo, and still have some food stashed away for a hard day when I get home from work and am just too exhausted to cook!  Save your energy for your children (if you have any) and most importantly, FOR YOURSELF.  Now that I have returned to life, I continue to fight to remind myself that I still need to rest and think of myself as I  was forced to not so long ago.  Come to these boards - they saved me many times...... ((HUGS)).....Tammy

Thanks so much to all of you!  I think some of my resistance is that this is so new and I feel fine - well, other than lack of sleep and stress - and I can't really process how I may feel in 2 weeks when I have surgery and down the line with other treatment.  I just had a meltdown with my dear friend on the phone and said she is signing me up on a website where she can input whatever I need as far as rides, childcare, meals, etc. and people who want to help can just sign up for what works for them rather than me having to organize it all.  There's also a place where she or I can update what's going on so I don't need to be on the phone all day.  Sounds something like what Karen was talking about.  I think that will help.