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May 6, 2010 02:42PM, edited May 6, 2010 02:45PM
Hugs to you!!! I'm so sorry you're facing breast cancer!!! I am not anorexic, but I was borderline in college. I remember, at 104 pounds, looking in the mirror and seeing a fat young woman. Meanwhile, my brother yelled at me to eat, my hipbones stuck out about an inch beyond my belly, and when I see pictures now I can't believe how underweight I was.
So I can sort of relate. I didn't want to eat anything, and threw out most of what the cafeteria put on my plate. I remember feeling dizzy a lot, if I stood up too quickly my vision would start going black until only a dot remained, and although I never actually fainted, I still remember the odd feelings of having a body that was deprived of all that it needed.
I know a woman who has been anorexic for over 50 years. She was doing terribly for quite some time. She was lucky to weigh 60 or 70 pounds, and often suffered from crippling migraines, as well as spending a fair amount of time in the hospital. She is much better now. Still quite underweight, but no longer sick all the time. I think what changed for her is retiring and moving to the shore. In other words, she's happier. She's in a beautiful place and is getting active again as her body gains strength. Perhaps there's some things you can do to make you feel happy, to see beauty around you, to feel joy as much as possible. Whatever that means to you, if you can spoil yourself a bit, and know that you deserve it, I think chemo will be a little easier.
I wish I had better answers for you. Chemo is a time for pampering yourself, if you can. It takes its toll. I'm glad to see that you're aware of the issues, and hope you can find support during this time of fighting and healing.
Hugs and best of luck to you!!!
Edited to add: If you haven't already, please share with your therapist your lack of supportive people in your life. Perhaps he or she can help you build a support network to get you through. I know that I was really helped by a local cancer support group that met weekly. They might not have your exact issues, but it's one idea to at least feel heard and supported.
bmx, no recon - December 16, 2008, AC/T, radsDx 11/4/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 3/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-