Topic: Great saying about depression

Apr 10, 2012 06:48 PM Stanzie wrote:

Oh My you are right!!! Barb, are you all right? Wonder if she is on the contact list? There is a list where you can sign up so if you are missing you list a contact person who will have access to your numbers and information so they can let us all know how someone is.

Thanks Debbie for posting about Barb!

Apr 10, 2012 07:58 PM Stanzie wrote:

I was doing actually really great today.... then it all went downhill. My daughter 13 almost 14 and I are in constant battle. And today she got home from school and said she wanted to go upstairs for a minute and would be right down. Earlier she was supposed to water the front plants and she didn't so I got out the hoses and such and watered and got my son off the bus - took about 45 min. well during that time she never came back downstairs and our puppy has now put holes through 7 screens on the screen porch! Oh great, just what I was going for now that our pool is also broken for the third time in a week. This house is just killing me- I am just drowing and having things break for no reason is very upsetting. Probably made worse cause right now my DD has already lost my trust.... so I know in the big scheme of things it really just isn't a big deal but it just sends me over the edge and down into depression..... Sometimes I just don't really know if I can actual deal with the actual realities of life.... at least by myself. I do not regret my divorce as it was "killing" me but having the other person who is helpful with the house and the kids is just huge and I do miss that very much and wonder sometimes if I'm really strong enough to do this on my own. It wasn't good being married but I just wish I was stronger, smarter, more capable, more patient, more knowledgable, and just a better parent.... I started out today so great and happy and now I've been in tears and sometimes just want to give up and hid in bed and make it all go away.... On Thursday, my puppy will be nutered and I'm so worried about him.... and I know they say he will live longer will get rid of some of the harder to handle behaviors and such but how awful am I to do this to this sweet little puppy.... I know I'm totally losing is, Yes.

 OK so yes worried about Barb - she has never been gone since I've been on this site. I looked on the central adress book and she isn't on it. 

 Sorry to join in the blues....

Apr 10, 2012 09:17 PM DiDel wrote:

Thanks Hadley!! How are you feeling? I saw that you are meeting with your docs next week to discuss a plan. I would definitely not do a hysterectomy at your age. My onc would love to take my ovaries but I said hell no. I would do lupron to chemically shut them down first. I am sorry the T is causing so many problems. I worry that since i have no side effects at all and have continued my period that it is not effective at all for me. Ii guess we will see. Did you ever get a full explanation of your biopsy path?? I still say go for another opinion. Sometimes when a doc knows you are talking to another doc to potentially replace him/her it makes them step up their game and pay more attention.

Ok back to work...Good night all!!

Diane

Apr 11, 2012 07:14 AM justagirl wrote:

Dear 3jaysmom,

Thank you for responding to my concern and I really do appreciate you making the effort and taking the time to see if barbe responds to a 'home' email.  I didn't try to send her one through here but just realized today in reading that her intelligent witty posts were 'missing'. 

After not hearing from our Mary for so long, and then Mary posting of her status change was devestating, as was her death.  She died on my two year cancer-versary of finding out I had breast cancer, so I sunk to a low that I haven't been at since my initial diagnosis.

Please, please, please barbe be okay and get those fingers of your flying on the keyboard!

Stanzie, I know you are a smart, kind, caring, knowledgeable and loving parent.  No, it's not always easy to be a parent and you may think if there was two parents in the house it would be easier, but that is not always the case.  I have found with my 18 year old son that when he was about 16, which was when I was diagnosed, it seemed like all of a sudden to him I became the dumbest woman walking on the earth and could do no right.  It hurt because I cared and he was unhappy and I was unhappy because he was unhappy.  I would send him off to school and my husband would leave and I would crawl back into bed and actually pull the covers over my head and stay there until about 2 hours before son and husband were due to come home and then race around, take a shower, make the bed, do housework, start dinner, bake and act like everything was normal.  Ha, I fooled them but it took a toll on me.  It took me almost two years to tell my husband of 29 years how I wish he had once put his arms around me for comfort through all of this or that I needed his help and didn't he see it....and his response was all I had to do was ask.  What, I have to ask for a hug when I'm upset - well, that doesn't count to me.

Anyway, teenagers think we parents are dumb, invasive and trying to wreck their lives.  I wish I had taken a stronger stand and realized no matter what I did or didn't do, my son was just not going to be happy with me or himself.

You might seriously think of downsizing your home if you can Stanzie, for something more manageable and simplified, like no pool to maintain and a smaller yard.  Try and look for 5 minute pockets in your day to sit and relax.

And neutering your dog isn't mean - it's kind.  Also, you could get someone to build you a simple dog run outside that you could put the dog in when you need to do things and to decrease the damage done to your home.

barbe - where are you?

Apr 11, 2012 12:01 PM DiDel wrote:

Stanzie I forgot to mention I feel ya on the teenagers. When my nieces and nephews were 13/14 they were completely MISERABLE to be around. Once their hormones kick in ...LOOK OUT! The promising news is it will settle down some by adulthood...LOL. My love of my life niece spent the weekend with me and if she didnt eat like a man and leave trash everywhere I wouldnt have even known she was there. She is buried in her iphone. At least she still wants to hang out with her old aunt Di.  sorry about the difficulties of puppyhood. My puppy destroyed some drywall around my house. you just cant leave em alone for a minute. I hope today is a better day for you. I know from my sis and friends who are divorced with kids it is not easy doing it all yourself. My one friend keeps her loser boyfriend around for that exact reason, he helps with carpooling and babysitting while she works her a$$ off and he sits on the couch all day...unemployed sponging off of her..wheeew had to vent. Anyhow, you are amazing to balance it all and even on days when you dont feel good. I cant imagine to have gone through everything and have kids on top of it. I was happy to just curl up in bed as needed. I feel for you. Wish I lived closer to help out.

Hopeful yes I talked to my doc about that test and for the very reason that it is not reliable he doesnt do it. I did read that a recent study says if you have no SEs you are a super metabolizer but lots of other studies conflict that so I guess we shall see.

Does anyone watch Guiliana and Bill?? What a great Husband he is..and she is so brave to put it all out there. The last thing I would have wanted going through this journey is a camera in my face. I do think she will shine a bright light on this cause and be a loud voice for us all.

On the Barbe front...i noticed her last several posts were deleted by the mods so I am thinking she may be suspended frm posting for a while. or at least I hope that is all it is. It looks like there was a rather heated discussion with another member and they both may have had their wrists slapped.

Anyhow, one more week of tax season and I can not wait. you dont even want to know what I should be doing at this very moment instead of posting but seriously needed a break.

Hugs to all!!

Diane

Apr 11, 2012 07:28 PM DiDel wrote:

just a quick side note...the central address book is for Stage IV ladies. Its run by Nowheregirl formerly timtam who runs the picture forum as well.

I just think if you want to share your information with someone here just send a pm. I do have a few here with my personal information and they have my permission to stalk me at anytime should I go missing.

ok...really back to work for me

Claire ARE YOU OUT THERE???? Missing you too!!! Hope you are ok

Diane

Apr 11, 2012 11:26 PM, edited Apr 11, 2012 11:39 PM by LinSea

So far behind with all of you. Since returning to work i am exhausted by evening and just cant keep up with everything. Still having so much swelling and pain with the foobs. PS says give it time. The exchange was in Nov! But he said it might take a year. Im breathing! :-o Anyway I just need to say out loud BC sucks. I got sad news tonight my cousin who was diagnosed right after me in 2004 just learned she has mets to the liver. They are giving her 2-6 months. Made me immediately think of Mary and the tears started. I can't believe it. . .

Apr 12, 2012 12:36 AM MeliC wrote:

 "Depression is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign you've been strong for too long."
I had not heard that saying before and I really needed to read that today. Thanks.
I

Apr 12, 2012 02:21 AM 3jaysmom wrote:

haven't read the posts, will catch up later.. Barbe 1958 is okay, wiating for the results of tests on her abdomen.. there was some problem with posting.. but, she'll be back on soon, im sure, a week or so, i think.. she's caught up in waiting for test results, as well...

  hope everyone is ok..and i'll ck the rest of the posts tommorrow.....night.3jays

Apr 12, 2012 10:18 AM Kate33 wrote:

MeliC- I think the group thing is tough for a lot of us- even a group of our friends.  I know I've definitely become more introverted through all this.  You have dealt with so much and have kept plugging along.  I think there comes a time, though, when we finally have to sit still in one spot and finally process our losses.  You have many especially losing your Dad at a time you probably needed him the most.  I think the relaxation workshop gave your mind and heart the quietness it needed but the surroundings weren't ideal for it surrounded by strangers maybe?  It's a process, though, and we're all just taking baby steps here.  Glad you joined us.  (((hugs)))

justagirl- No need to ever say sorry.  What you're feeling is all so normal.  Going back and reading Mary's posts, again, I also wondered why mets never came up.  I think it was because she kept referring to her old shoulder injury flaring up again or the recent boating accident.  It all seemed so innocent.  And mets was something that happened to other people not our little circle here!  It just never crossed my mind.  I read her post on Christmas Day and she wrote, "It's good to be alive!"  That things could change so radically in such a short time has shaken me to me core.   

Apr 12, 2012 11:50 AM MeliC wrote:

Thanks Kate and hopeful healing .....for your replies . At least here (BCO)I feel I am not alone. I love how much everyone cares about each other ...... And checks in with each other. I feel good reading the posts and I can go back and read them, when I am low and need someone to understand

Apr 12, 2012 10:18 PM DiDel wrote:

Aww Debbie dont beat yourself up...we all thought Mary was seeking medical attention...actually she was ...little did we know how incompentent they were. She went to the doctors many times for her pain, she went to the ER she had 5 surgeries...surely someone did blood work. i never thought her should pain could be mets. We dont know what mets feels like ...her docs should have treated her better. I know once she moved to KY we all had some concerns about her medical care. I do miss her and can't beleive its been almost a month since she passed. I still have all her emails in my box and can't bear to delete them. I keep stalking her FB page like she might post again. I think the main thing we can take away is how Mary reached out to so many newbies and helped so many people with her upbeat attitude and loving spirit.

Such nice posts today...even the rants...I cherish our chats...I cherish all the posts on this thread and all the lovely brave beautiful women I've met through BCO. Welcome Melinda!! Dont ever be afraid to post how you are feeling and PM anytime

Good night ladies..tomorrow is a busy day!! 5 more days of tax rush...ugh...

Diane

Apr 13, 2012 08:22 AM hopefulhealing wrote:

justagirl I wonder if there is some testing your hubby could have to determine if he needs any meds for dementia?  There are some out there that are suppose to help. It must be both scary and frustrating to see these changes.  I have seen them in my parents who are in their 80's.   And I too am so grateful for this group.  While people try to understand they just can't.  I went to a group meeting and a nurse who is going to lead a breast cancer group in another town was there observing.  Nice young lady.  Clinically smart but you could just tell she didn't have a clue as far as the emotional aspect of a mastectomy and breast cancer.  That is why it is so very important we have each other here to support and care for one another.

I think as we start each day we almost have to have a mantra about it.  I have to start with thanksgiving and focus on living with hope and determination.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. On the days I don't I try to allow the emotions and then step out again with a new spirit.  But there are just those days that it takes you to a dark place.  I think that is normal. 

Peace to all today

Apr 13, 2012 07:06 PM, edited Apr 13, 2012 07:08 PM by justagirl

thanks hopefulhealing and Kate,

my husband has (on the sly as we don't want to upset him) been checked for dementia and he doesn't have it.  It's just the progress of age.

Kate - I have a heart full of empathy and understanding for the position you are in.  It does make us too similar in our wifey positions.  I guess I still carry the weight and worry of BC, then dealing with my son who was emotionally torn apart by my diagnosis two years ago and I guess most of the time I just feel like I don't have enough energy to cope any more but know both my husband and son depend on me - like they always have.  I've had my son on antidepressants for about  6 months now and it has really helped him.  Setting up two specific days a week for my husband to shave has helped me and he likes to please me.  Guess that's why he doesn't complain or comment when his leftover day clothes disappear from the chair where he leaves them at night.  But like you said Kate, it makes me feel more like his carer than his wife of 29 years.  I have always been the strong one and leader in our family and someone has to and it was all fine with me until BC hit.  Then I wanted someone to put their arms around me and take it all away and it was my 16 year old son who stood by my side.  Most of the time my husband just didn't want to know as it upset him and if he got upset then I had to deal with that.  My dear girlfriend in Kauai was calling almost daily and at the time of my diagnosis was bound and determined to leave her life and job on Kauai and come here to Australia to be with me - us.  But I said no - that talking to her was what I needed and she always listened - sometimes for over an hour at a time.

But NO ONE replace YOU ALL and especially those who have specially reached out to me here.

hopefulhealing - I have read and do listen to what you suggest to have a better positive day and will keep on trying.  I think yesterday was especially a low day for me as my son, after a lovely week at home, left to go back to university. Last night our dog, Jaki, after dinner, instead of being at my side while watching tv, went up to our son's room and just laid on his bed, waiting for him to come home.  Hmmm,  Jaki knows just how I feel..........

today is a new day and I have a choice to ignore my aches and sadness and get on and out and enjoy the day even if it is raining buckets or be in a funk.  I'll try for enjoyment - as every day is a gift after receiving the diagnosis of BC.

and Kate, yes I do feel like a widow, much of the time, as I manage everything in and out of our home and on our 8 acres.  My husband leaves at 6am to see his friends up at the pool centre and doesn't come home until about 1pm, then plants himself in front of the tv, where he stays until after dinner (which he wants at 5pm!) and he goes off to bed at 6:30, so it's just me and my girl (dog - Jaki).  But I have to remember I could not have him at all and that thought just makes me cry - bye for now.

Apr 14, 2012 06:50 AM justagirl wrote:

Thanks for the hug Diane - I can actually feel it over the miles! As for keeping my husband up later, as you said about your father, my husband is set in his ways and he gets cranky if you try and change him too much.  We have always been a bit on different time tables, as he goes to bed early, like 6:30 and I go at 11pm and I can get up at 6am but would rather it be 7 or 8am.  Having worked years as an ICU nurse, I got used to working and sleeping crazy hours, so am not a good sleeper even at the best of times.  Once I'm up I can go for hours and hours - used to do 24 hours shifts every weekend without a problem and then be ok after 8 hours of sleep.  And yes, my hubby (Jerry) can't do much anymore as he has back and knee issues, so he can't help me much with the gardening or even carrying in firewood in the winter.

Right now it's 9;40 pm here and your are probably still asleep.  I already feel better'talkin' with you all again and it makes me not feel so alone or stupid for being still so afraid of BC.  My son came home from getting his flu shot and I had him show the Dr a little red spot on his back that just hasn't healed and they are going to biopsy it Wednesday.  Of course, it's probably nothing or a BCC but inside something clutches at my heart and I think 'please keep my baby safe' even though my baby is 18 and 6' 3"!  Just another thing for me to try and not worry about.

I would love for all of you to come visit and stay here with us in Australia, but I know it is a long expensive flight.  Maybe we all could meet somewhere like half-way, say Kauai, where I used to live?  I could rent us a house for a week or two and we could tour, walk the beaches by day and have long pajama parties at night?  Just a thought....

Goodnight and I will sleep better tonight knowing I have you as friends.

And hopefulhealing I did what you suggested and told myself to be thanful for today - to be positive, to look forward and go!