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Jul 16, 2012 06:59 AM, edited Jul 17, 2012 07:57 AM
ETA Not a suicide note......
I have a collection of dogs, cats, skunks on the other side waiting for me to cross over. Promised them all I would see them again soon. Such a heartache letting them go, helping them go, especially when I hung on too long and they then begged me to help because they could not stand the pain of dying, and I did hang on too long too often. I am learning not to do that. Veggy - you let go soon enough though maybe the reasons were time and money, it ends up being best for them to not end up in extreme health challenges.
There was a time - probably still is in many cultures - where the aging or ill just took their blankie to the meadow and waited, long before the extremes of health challenges had them by the throat. I always think this is the way to go. I have a meadow. I can imagine all the pets of mine around me waiting for me to be able to see them as I cross the Veil of Life.
Yesterday Hubby sold some of his guns to pay for my first alt tx, and I am touched and grateful, but I don't know what to choose.
Last night I had a dream that broke my heart, woke up with a broken heart and cannot let this go. I don't want to choose any tx now.
I am in the right forum right..... emotional crises, anxiety, depression.
My word for this one dream. Unforgivable.
I feel like I am done trying. But is that selfish. Right? Maybe not.
Should 'should' hate the pointing finger at suggestiveness of should ... but should I not be trying harder so others are not hurt by me just going. They don't know the dream. But my heart has been seared, I can never forget.
Sorry so depressing, but I cannot talk to anyone about this, no one at all.
EDITED TO ADD - I am not considering suicide, I am considering not doing anything more, just not, but I will do more, it is the next day and I am going to press on regardless.
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you, don't go back to sleep... People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch, don't go back to sleep...” Jelaluddin Rumi
Dx 7/15/2011, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIb, Grade 3, 3/11 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-