Anyone out there whose brain just keeps playing tricks on them? I just don't get it. This week will be 1 year since my dx and currently all my treatments are done. I couldn't take Tamoxifen as it was making me nuts (but that is a whole different topic). I had my surgery, chemo and rads, but now I keep trying to look back and make some order to all this. For a while I was thinking that it was my Breast Surgeon's fault that I ended up with chemo. Then my mind came up with some other situation where perhaps it was my fault I had to have chemo. I have never denied I had cancer and I was never scared about it. I handled it very well and then started to crash. Somehow my head goes back to thinking I was overtreated.
I am a very analytical thinker and unfortunately, my mind will go back and say (no real voices :-)) if you didn't ask for this type of treatment, such and such wouln't have occurred and life would be different. Then I even felt like my BS wasn't straight with me and choices were made that has left me questioning EVERYTHING. My BS is truly a good person and I know this, but there is some weird stuff happening in my head.
Just when I thought I had a handle on things and talked with my counselor, friends, mom, etc., a new scenario popped up in my head. I keep thinking that things my BS did or I did created my pathology report to be what it was instead of just accepting that it was a cancer with positive nodes and I made the treatment choices I made. It's hard to explain and it's a bit obsessive, but it's there. One day I'm feeling great and the next I'm a mess. There is so much guilt on my part as to the effects my cancer dx and treatment has had on my kids (now almost 10 and 14) and my husband.
I did try antidepressants for a bit, but I was also on Ativan at the time and was having side effects from the antidepressants and had to go off. I am now on very small amounts of Ativan and Valium to deal with my broken sleep, chemically induced menopause and anxiety, but THIS SUCKS! I see a therapist, I have a good handful of people to talk to, I started to go back to the gym, but I am at a loss.
HOW MESSED UP AM I????? How normal is it to want to blame someone or yourself? I've asked a few BC survivors when do things get back to normal and they both said NEVER. I don't believe that. Life has to settle down again. Anyway, please post and tell me if you have been in this boat. One psychiatrist wanted to give me some very heavy meds recently and personally, I think she was the crazy one :-). I am not psychotic, I'm frustrated, sad and confused.
Thanks for listening.
Just when I'm about to make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
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Dx 6/13/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 1, 2/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-