Topic: Anyone have trouble believing they'll survive?

Jul 11, 2012 02:07 AM MaxineO wrote:

Ann- I think everyone here has felt that hopelessness. Some of us continue to feel it on and off.  You are right to feel that way, breast cancer is a serious and scary diagnosis.  But I will say that once you feel like you are doing something to get better, YOU will feel better.  I went into surgery thinking I was stage 2 and came out stage 3, thanks to my 4 positive nodes (also palpable).  Terrifying at first, but then I learned to accept it.You are right to have HOPE!

Treatments are advancing at such a rapid pace, counting your survival years just doesn't make sense anymore.  And everyone's cancer is different.  I still struggle with whether I will be here in five years or not, but then I once again make peace with myself and carry on.

We are here for you! We have all been through or are going through this!  Do you have a good support system? Family, neighbors, church, etc.?  They will carry you through the tough times. If you don't, let us help where we can.

Thinking the best for you!

Jul 11, 2012 02:48 AM, edited Jul 11, 2012 02:48 AM by _Ann_

MaxineO, I have my fiance and a handful of friends in town including a next door neighbor, and family that's back east.  Everyone has offered to help but I don't know what to ask of them.  I'm covered for practical stuff like drivers to appointments.  I don't know how to get help at times I just want to spend the day in bed crying.   I'm not sure whether to give into such impulses or fight them.  Every time I let myself collapse it makes me feel so weak and distresses others so much I swear I won't do it again.

Jul 11, 2012 03:11 AM cp418 wrote:

Ditto - I have a friend with similar BC and is now 8 years out and doing VERY WELL.  You are at the start of your treatments. This is the first step to getting rid of the cancer and followup treatment regimens.  Hormone receptor positive gives you more treatment coverage for the future regarding Tamox or AIs.  One day at a time is hard - now you are dealing with shock and stress of being dx.  (You are normal to have that reaction!)   

Regarding help - Maybe some grocery shopping on days you don't feel and need to rest. 

Jul 11, 2012 03:20 AM MaxineO wrote:

Ann- You are so early in your diagnosis. It is okay to cry and cry and cry! It's terrible news you've received. You will get through the crying in time and then you will work toward getting better. And you will still cry from time to time, just not as much.

It's hard to figure out what you need people to do for you.  I had a few friends who were breast cancer survivors, so they kind of knew what I would need and arranged for bringing in meals a couple of days a week during chemo and stuff like that (I have two kids).  If you let people around you know what you are going through, many will come through in amazing ways (others will disappoint you), but it's up to you how much you want to share.

I'm with Claire, your MO has no business giving your chances of survival. I will repeat: treatments are advancing rapidly such that the statistics you see just don't apply.  You have some good markers and will be a good candidate for hormone treatment. What type of chemo are you having?

Hang in there. You will get through the hopelessness. It's terrible and awful and depressing and sickening.  And you are reacting as all of us have.  When you get going on treatment, you will get your fighting spirit back up. And we will be here to help you fight!

Jul 11, 2012 03:30 AM Lee64 wrote:

Hi, Ann. I know exactly how you are feeling. I was sure I had only months to live when I was diagnosed and I was scared to death. I cried alot too and didn't start feeling better until I met with the surgeon. His first words to me were "your're going to be fine, Hon. You have a garden variety breast cancer".  I am sure he wasn't minimizing my situation; he just wanted to give me hope. After that, each step was a little easier. I had never been sick and never ad surgery of any kind so I was really a basket case!

I only wish I had found these boards at the beginning of my journey. These ladies are so smart  and helpful. Anytime you have a question or need reassurance we will be here for you. I am sending hugs and well wishes.

Jul 13, 2012 07:55 AM _Ann_ wrote:

Feeling 100% better today.  My mental stuff seems to cycle.  If I have bad morning, I'll have a good afternoon and vice versa.  First chemo infusion went well, and I finally told people in my wider circle about my dx.  The support from that has been uplifting.  Thanks for listening to me on my dark day!

Jul 14, 2012 06:54 PM tina_jason wrote:

Ann, you will cycle mentally a lot, with each new stage of treatment, each doctor's visit, or sometimes the smallest thing.  I now can go weeks without crying but something totally unexpected will set me off.  My MO has been so positive and just wants to get me better.  That has helped me fight the feelings of "what if I don't beat this", although they still creep into my head a lot. 

I am glad to hear your first chemo infusion went well.  In looking at your profile, it looks like you and are are very similar in our DX and method of treatments; I'm just a little bit ahead of you.

  I had a hard time making my DX public but when I did I found out that people were amazing in so many ways.  You need the support and I find that people need to find ways to help to so I have learned to let them help. 

Jul 15, 2012 09:33 AM jenlee wrote:

Ann, I was one who thought that my diagnosis was a death sentence. I started trying to "put my affairs" in order. I started giving my clothes away. My husband insisted that I needed a new car and I didn't want to "waste" the money. At some point, I became more a little more positive and decided that if i had 5 years or 10 years, I was going to make them good ones. I'm now feel that it's possible that I'll live longer. I still ride the roller coaster between periods of positivity and negativity. However, I will say that I no longer fall asleep at night thinking about cancer and it isn't my first thought each morning. In fact, I can go for hours at a time not thinking about it. I too did neoadjuvant chemo and so am so glad that I did, for numerous reasons. During chemo, there are the distractions of researching the best diet and trying to stay active. (As one of the previous posters mentioned, diet, specifically eating a plant-based diet, and also exercise, are supposed to greatly increase survival rates.) Toward the end of chemo, I was 100% distracted while researching and deciding reconstruction options. So now I've completed my major surgery and am very satisfied with the results and have begun Tamoxifen. There's a bit of a let down, like what else can I be doing... In a few weeks, I'll be healed enough from surgery to start running and working out again. You might want to find a support group in your area. I'm not a support group kind of person, but instead I found great support on these boards. Be sure to go on the chemo thread for others starting this month. You might find other threads that are helpful to you where you become a regular. Be sure to read the survivor threads; they REALLY help me. There are many uplifting stories here and elsewhere... Long term survivors with positive nodes, Biographies and Inspiring stories, Stories of Hope on the main community board here. Sending you big hugs and healing thoughts!

Jul 15, 2012 11:14 PM, edited Jul 15, 2012 11:15 PM by kaza

Jul 16, 2012 04:54 PM Butterflylady2012 wrote:

Ann,

Have you thought of any cancer support groups that you could attend? I've heard many are very good, but it's best to get into one that fits your stage, age group, needs, ect.  When I received my Dx, I was given a folder will all kinds of useful information, including support group listings.  I haven't done so yet, but I am thinking about it. 

Right now I go to one on one therapy and it's a good place to vent as well.  I was seeing her a little prior to Dx, so we just continued with the big cancer stressor.  It has helped to be able to vent, say what I want to say, in a safe place where I don't feel I'm worrying anyone by saying what I am really feeling.  The only thing is it's just me and her talking.  So I am going to continue to come here (it's been wonderful help), along with probably going to a physical support group.  Do what works best for you and of course, we are all here for you.  

Hugs to you, 

Butterflylady (Sharon) 

Jul 17, 2012 09:16 PM ductal wrote:

If someone doesn;t hear thier name and breast cancer in the same sentence, I doubt they truly understand.  Some do try to understand, and I am grateful.  Offers of help, I am uncomfortable asking for much, still working on that one.  People on these sites have been consistently kind.

Jul 17, 2012 09:42 PM Racy wrote:

Ann, I understand totally what you and the other ladies here have expressed. I have two words to add: counselling and antidepressant. Talk with your doctor and try these. You will be amazed at the positive difference they can make.

Jul 20, 2012 11:50 AM Jill1962 wrote:

Hi Ann,

I am a 2 timer... once at 33 in 1995 and at 44 in 2006.

In 2006 found a lump in LB (11 years before had lumpectomy), had biopsy and came back negative but they also found lymph-nodes swollen on right side by ribcage???  They didn't know what to do so they decided to send me for rads.  In the mean time some blisters appeared on my LB which I thought was from the bandages so now they are in a panic and biopsy the blisters which turned out to be cancer... because they never saw it surface like this before they wanted me to go to see a panel of experts and then they would decide what to do if anything.

They decided to give me chemo and if it managed to shrink the tumors (the ones we could see) then they would operate, I decided to take pics every month to show my ONC because I didn't want him to make the wrong assumption.

Long story short... ONC happy I took pics, had both girls remove and rads, tamox and now  starting Femara.. Still in reconstruction mode and going strong.  

If I had of let them tell me odds (didn't ask) or percentages (didn't ask) I would have lost hope for sure.

I plugged along like a good Little Soldier and I am having a great life and look forward to the next 17 years!

Jul 22, 2012 07:45 AM Jill1962 wrote:

Hi Tina,

It warms my heart that my journey has benefited others and that there has been something positive that has come out of all of this.

I feel that being positive and having hope is paramount in getting thru this journey with all your marbles intact!

One of the things that I do is to listen to my EMDR cd's  when I am feeling stressed, although I should listen to them daily as they are helping my mind heal.  What is EMDR you ask : This is a form of hypnosis that was first used to help Vietnam Vets with PTSD, it helps you to stop the negative self talk in your head and move past the trauma of the fear.

I found a great Psyc Doc 17 years ago that practices in this and it truly saved my life.  He learn't it from a Doc in the USA so I know that there are Doc's out there that know how to do this and I would highly recommend it to anyone.

If anyone is thinking of doing this I would first check them out with the Psychological Association in your area to make sure they are legit!

 It may not be something for everyone but it sure helped me get my life back.  I knew I needed help when my DH would say "next year we will go to Mexico for vacation" my thoughts were " yes if I'm still hear" so I stopped that thinking and 17 years later still going on great vacations to Mexico!  Thank you Doctor Wilensky!

 I also play a lot of racquetball and take it out on the little blue ball, even when I was going thru chemo I played and used to beat all they guys so they started calling me "Cheroid" because of the chemo/steroids I was on and wanted to test my urine before each game... sore losers ;P    

The reason I mention this is that I didn't put my life on hold and managed... come hell or high water to get out and do the things that I loved and be around all my friends as "it was something I was going thru and not who I was" and I was accepted by all of them and before long all they saw was Jill in a bad hat... which I was allowed an equipment time out for if it flew off during a match ;p

Now get out and live your lives ladies.... there's no do overs.....

Jul 29, 2012 09:46 AM, edited Jul 29, 2012 09:47 AM by _Ann_

Hi everyone, I can't believe I forgot I even posted this (can I blame chemo-brain?), now I come back and find all these wonderful stories and support.  Thank you all.  

I'm still struggling with the prognosis a bit but overall I am not feeling hopeless any more.  The initial panic I was feeling since dx has passed.  I think most of the time I actually feel calmer and more peaceful than I did before the dx.   And would you believe I got married 5 days after I posted this?  The fiance and I had been talking about that for a few weeks, then we went off and did it.  It felt pretty life-affirming to me to go ahead with that.  It was something just to believe I was still worth marrying, you know?

I still haven't settled on whether to try to believe in best case outcome, or try to somehow live well in the face of the uncertainty, but it's getting easier.  I guess acceptance is a process.