Topic: Staring into the Abyss

Elizabeth,

I LOVE your picture (and your mantra).  Thank you for your kind words.  I've sort of been practicing that lately . . . living like I want to, not how I think I should.

My oncologist agrees with you . . . give it time.  I had blood work done "too early" in his opinion and we're waiting for next month before we "go chemo."  

Thanks for posting.  I need all the hope I can get.

Peace.

Linda

Elizabeth,

I am laughing because I first read this as "I am an inpatient patient, " and thought you were stuck in the hospital!  Good for you to push your onc along.  I'm the same way.  He wants to wait a month before chemo, but if I didn't have three teenaged girls to deal with, I'd say, "Shoot it up, now!"  I'm hiding my "Stage IV" from them at this point, because I don't want them googling all the death sentences I found when researching.  They know the bc is back but don't know it spread, and they think that we're all ready for a party because two weeks ago, I didn't need radiation or chemo.  *Sigh.*

Doesn't it suck that scans cost like $4,000?  I want a unit installed in my house.

The thing about my liver lesions, is that I can't believe they can go away without surgery.  When I had my first dx, they cut the bad thing out of my breast, and then I was "free."  Chemo and Tamoxifen were insurance.  It's really hard for me to walk around knowing I have this crap inside of me.  

I started with the Stage IV board, but came over here because I'm not yet well-versed in my stats.

Thanks for being here.

Peace.

Linda

Hi LC815 - I too have had the shock of recurrence - TWICE - once after 4 years and 9 months of no treatment - I had been 'cured' and then again 6 years and 3 months after tamox. Both times were really shocking and the fear and sense of betrayal hard to deal with - but Elizabeth is so right - stay strong and give the drugs time to work. It is so hard to deal with this - but amazingly so many women do and come out the other side - apart from responding to the treatment - the trick is to stay SANE - I didn't tell my kids when I went Stage IV - I figured I would just deal with that as best I could - after so many years now at Stage IV my kids all know - but they are in their 20s and the baby is 18 so it is just a little easier for them to understand.

Best of luck - hang in and let us know how you are doing.

Fidelia

I'm not a Mom so my advice is pretty well worthless re. kids.  But I'll offer my thoughts anyway.    You can live years as a Stage IV so why worry them needlessly?  The teen years are hard enough as it is.  But I'm not a Mom so I may be wrong.  There have been some Mom threads on the Stage IV board -- perhaps at some point you might want to ask for advice about telling your kids from women who know.

Re. stats -- they're based on data that can include women from 10 years ago (bless their hearts).  Just look at the progress we've had with new drugs the past 10 years!  I thumb my nose regularly at the stats -- I'm alive and kicking.  Most days I feel fine, only a bit tired, but normal tired unless it is a chemo day.  I marvel that I feel fine, you'd never know I had mets.  I had to convince a co-worker last fall!

Let us know what your onc decides for your treatment plan.  Then we can fill you in on any SEs, what to expect.  Overall I've found the chemo I've gotten a lot easier that the AC + dose dense taxol I got when first dx-ed.  That's a plus!

Thanks, Susan.  My oncologist wont "go there" and say the words, "chronic disease," but after reading the posts here and on the Stage IV forum, I'm sticking to that notion, too!  If I can get good news on 12/18 about tumor markers, I will feel better.  Right now, it's hard not knowing what's going on.  It's just so weird how my life story was totally rewritten that day in September as I sat at this very desk and felt the new lump.  *Sigh*