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Nov 23, 2012 04:47AM, edited Nov 23, 2012 04:54AM
Hi Miss Athena,
I have been out-of-pocket since having the Stage I LSGAP on Nov. 17th. Everything is doing very well except that this whole process of "hackin' and whackin'" and moving body parts around is freaking out my "little" MPD parts!
It is one thing to be split and fractured on the inside - we "understand" it; and by that I mean that I've had it since diaper age and know what it looks like and for the most part, how it behaves. But to have our outside body parts cut up and moved around is incomprehensible to the "system". What the hell? They are just baffled about how to react and deal with things; what to expect or anything. Nothing is what it seems - I mean right now I am looking at fine hairs on my "football" flesh part of my new right breast(!) How strange is THAT? If the nerves eventually return to my breasts and my husband touches one, will it feel like I'm being "goosed"??
Except for a couple of the parts, everyone else is watching what is happening to me and saying, "Hey, how did this happen?. . . who was supposed to be in charge?. . . well, it's not MY fault we got cancer . . . who the hell picked that first doctor???. . . well, it wasn't me and nobody said it was your fault; it's nobody's fault; it just IS; hey, what are they doing now?. . .oh my God, look at that hole in our butt cheek, who the HELL OK'd THAT???? . . man, this whole thing is gettin' way out of hand . . . OKAY, just chill out; you don't have to figure everything out. You are little, and little ones aren't expected to handle adult decisions or choices. Things will be okay, no matter how things look. We can trust Dr. Flores, and NOT being in control only FEELS scary;which is good because y'all only think you are in control, in the first place!"
Some parts haven't been happy about the fact that our container doesn't even look like their "self" image . . . they are stuck at different ages and sometimes they get angry about the effects of normal aging. It's like having one party dress that several sisters have to share and by the time one of the sisters gets her turn to wear it to a party, it's so faded and worn looking that she barely recognizes it. After all, she has only worn it a couple of times and NOW look at the thing!!! and who decided to completely remove the bodice and take part of the fullness out of the skirt in the back and make a new one??
In reality, most every part inside is in a holding pattern until things are done and they can take stock and figure out what kind of garment we end up with and THEN decide how best to wear our new self. Things are getting better, and I am hopeful.
Thank you for the happy holiday wishes. My husband is missing Thanksgiving because he had to pick up a trip (he is a pilot) to make up for the one he had to drop in order to be with me for my surgery last weekend. I was sad and feeling depressed about not being able to make Thanksgiving dinner. My 28 yr. old son offered to cook the spread for me, his brother and himself. Well, this morning (about noon!) when I finally woke up and gathered enough energy to take a shower, I began to tell my son about how he has to disinfect the sink and wash the turkey...unless it isn't thawed; in which case he would need to fill the sink with cold water and continue to swap out the water until it was COMPLETELY thawed and then . . .
By the time I said all of that I was out of breath! So, I asked the boys (26 and 28) if we needed to regroup. They started laughing and the younger one assured me that it wasn't going to ruin any of his Thanksgiving memories because it's not about the food for him but the fellowship. The older one said that it didn't matter to him either way; just whatever was easiest for me. Bottom line: they went to WalMart and bought deli food and frozen pizza and Dr. Pepper...and VOILA!... Thanksgiving dinner! We also opted to watch old Star Trek reruns over football! I tell you, we are pushing the boundaries of acceptable behavior for civilized Americans.
I hope you have had a good day. I always had this "Hallmark card" expectation of extended family get togethers around any of the holidays. After being married, for twenty-three years, we never lived close enough to celebrate the holidays; and I built up an unrealistic expectation of how "wonderful" it would be. Well, seven years ago, we moved within six hours of family, and me and mine all piled into the car for our first foray into the long standing Thanksgiving get together at my sister's house.
Not what I'd expected. Sometime when we have hours to share, I'll tell you about the experience. Right now, suffice it to say that my being an introvert and reverting back to my 'co-dependent family-of-origin self' combined with years of therapy that hindered me from "understanding" the unspoken (but very real) expectations and indirect dysfunctional communication playing out between my 5 siblings, their children, grandchildren, dogs, friends etc. resulted in my realizing that I did NOT enjoy Thanksgiving or my family under those circumstances. I forgot to mention that my sister's husband's 5 siblings, children, grandchildren and dogs and his mother were also there and the mother-in-law kept making wise cracks about how "some people don't know how to read a clock...where ARE your sisters (#2 and #6)?" She then proceeded to chastise my 53 and 41 yr old sisters in front of 27 other guests for being "tardy" and inconveniencing everyone else . . things went downhill from there.
I came home and made the choice to never do that to myself again. They would invite me and I'd decline. One sister mentioned the long drive or some other reasonable excuse, and I could've let them all think that. Instead, I told all of them that although I loved them and they were all used to this tradition, I wasn't - and would never enjoy myself under those circumstances. So many people acting so dysfunctionally with backbiting and unspoken expectations about one another that results in unresolvable conflict (because the person has NO idea they have even done anything) costs me too much emotionally and causes me to not enjoy my family. I explained that I would NOT be coming to ANY huge gatherings that include our large extended family and other people's families' as well. It is hard enough to have grace and mercy for one's loved ones in a family as big as ours - it would seem that it is impossible to do so when you add other families into the mix.
I heard that some people in my family weren't happy with me, but since they seldom directly communicate their issues, I choose to believe they love and respect me for taking care of myself. If I find out differently, I can deal with it at that time, meanwhile, it is healthier to think, act, and surround myself with unconditional love...even if that means being alone.
Well, it has taken me many hours to stop and start writing this. Maybe you and Miss Rose are the only ones on here, if you still are. God bless you both - I can't wait to get the go ahead to pluck the hairs out of my new hiney boob...
Dx 6/12/2012, IDC, Stage I, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-Surgery 11/17/2012 Reconstruction: GAP flap (Right)