Topic: Dealing when mom has cancer

Dear bcdaughter,

                  I am very sorry that your Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer recently.  When my sister was diagnosed I  felt physically sick with worry and heartbreak for a long time. I had trouble swallowing and breathing because i was so upset all the time.

                   Finally I said to myself one day, if I went on that way, I would get sick and wouldn't be of any use to help my sister if and when she may need my help.  The worry and fear was just robbing me of my energy and ability to enjoy life.  It's natural for us to worry but then I had to turn my thoughts from all the what if's and wanting the security of definite answers to trying to live in the present and enjoy each day with my sister now and put aside all the worries and fears of what might happen.

                     It's a major change in life, going from living your life having the secure feeling of your Mother being there throughout your life to the thoughts of not having her there. It's a deep feeling of loss and grief.

                      As far as the future for you or your children, remember research is happening this very minute and continues...become part of the solution..get active, join one of the organizations that fund raise for a future cure, it's possible within your lifetime.

Did your Mom have her surgery yet? You had mentioned it might be this week.  Let us know how it goes.

My sister has a daughter your age, early 20's and I was thinking how scarey this all was for her. 

There is alot of waiting in between surgery, test and test results.

My sister's treatment is going well.  

Dear Emma,

                     We  all share in this together, you are not alone. Thank you for joining in and making your first comment.  I had read other's messages for 3 years and just felt comfortable enough  to start posting messages about a month ago myself.  

I'm at a loss.  My mom begins her chemo today and has been told to expect complete hair loss in 17 days. I read the info on hair loss and am stunned at the likely effects.  Do I offer her a makeover over the next couple of weeks?  Do I send a gift cert for a wig?  Just being there is one thing, but what can I actually do to help?

 Wigs are great but I know with my Mum the first one she got was a bit to long, so the second time she got a shorter one. In fact it suits her so much even her hair dresser thought she was cheating on her and seeing someone else for her hair lol

Depending on the weather is whether Mum likes to wear her wig or scarf. But its nice to have both options esp if aspecail event comes up.

I think the hair lose stage is a hard one emotionally. Least it was for my Mum. She was so upset when she lost her hair but having the families support,her wigs and scarves help her to deal with it.

It is hard to see a loved one go through this disease.  I live over 800 miles from my grandma and I feel hopeless.  I feel I cannot do anything to help her being so far away, but I have found away to help, I am on this computer 12 hours a day researching and learning this disease, researching side effects on the meds they gave her and what helps the side effects.  I have received prayers from many people that my grandmother would not have received had I not been finding sites like this with so many wonderful people.

 hope is not lost.

Rhonda

lindabutterfly83 - you are in a hard position. As a mother, I would say that the best thing you can do is help your boyfriend keep on track with school or whatever good activities he has. Of course, any help he can be around the house is good and he ought be kind to his mother even when she might be having a tough time. Really, the best help my children can be is to do well with the things they ought to be doing and just to be pleasant no matter what.

bcdaughter - one of the things that worries me is that my daughter and the daughter she is expecting in the fall will have to worry about the same thing.  I will be having the test to see if I carry the gene for BC so my daughter (and my sister) will know whether her risk is any greater than any one else. She helps me by promising to have mammograms at the appropriate time so I know that if she does have to deal with this, it will be at an early stage so she can expect to be fine in the long run - just as I plan to see that baby of hers grow up.

kisersassy - your grandmother is lucky to have you! I am quite sure that she would appreciate e-mails (if she does that) or cards or any other little contact from you that probably has nothing  to do with breast cancer. It doesn't take much, just a little note or suchlike every once in a while to make the day a whole lot brighter.

kjwtesskate - your mother might like to know about the Look Good Feel Better program. I will try that in a couple of weeks and from what others say, it is a great way to have a makeover with other people in the same situation and, I hear, get a bunch of free makeup. Also I found that having a wig ordered ahead of time and hats all ready to go helped a lot. Free wigs are accessible from the cancer society and/or depending on where you are, insurance often helps pay for one.

I think all of your mothers and grandmothers are very fortunate to have people who care enough to have found this site and to ask questions. (My son found this site for me!) And that's enough from this mother.

I think you need to have an honest talk with your mother and tell her what you have told us.

She no doubt thinks that she is 'protecting' you and making it possible for you to live your life normally.  I suspect that is what I would probably try to do too ... because as a mother we never want to burden our kids with our problems.  But  ... your post makes it pretty clear that it doesn't work to do that. 

So ... have a talk with her.  Tell her you want to know what's going on and ask what you can do to help.  I suspect you will both feel better afterwards.

((hugs))

How are you suppose to deal with it all? I don't think I can handle the stress anymore! My mother told me over the phone that she had breast cancer. Then she had the surgery. Everything was suppose to be fine but now they are saying that she has to have chemo. My family is very supportive and everyone I know. But the question that everyone ask "Hows your mom?", drives me crazy. I don't want to think about it. Every time I talk to my dad I cry. How do I even talk to my dad when he is in tears every time? I don't know what to do about it. My mom is not really saying anything about it to me. I just want to know how you get through it. I hide all my feelings but when I get home I just break down and cry. I want to know how my mom is doing! I want her to talk to me about it! My cousin told me that I need to sit down and tell her that I am scared for her, that I worry about her all the time. But I don't want my mom to think about it, I don't want her to break down.

 I am Mom2Kates daughter....

Hi! My mother was just recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Thank God it was found in stage 0!! My friend from school's mother also had Breast Cancer and we've helped each other through it. It really has been hard on us. My friends, family and teachers have helped me through it. Please- stay strong to those of you who have friends and family who have been recently diagnosed. Im sure there are others out there just like me. When your friends or family get strucken by this terrible illness, its devistating to all of us. You feel like your in a dark room and you cant get out. Luckily, I found this website and I can help cope with this and help others cope. Please reply!!

Hello everyone, you guys arent alone! I am 21 and i have been a caregiver to my mom for the past 2 years. When she was initially diagnosed in May 2007, my dad decided he couldnt handle it and divorced her. She had a mastectomy and she was fine for a year, although she didnt feel fine because of all the stress of the divorce and of her rhumatoid arthritus. Also, the onc surgeon messed up and dyed the wrong side of the lymph nodes! He said he was tired-NICE EXCUSE! They also told her that it was her2neu neg which later she found out that it is her2neu positive. This past september, her cancer she found out her cancer metastisized to the bones. Also, that it probably has been there for a while...anyways she switched doctors and today her cancer is in her liver and her abdominin area as well. My brother just shaved her head last night because she started to loose it from her chemo/herceptin. WOW it has been HARD. I barly leave her side and i try nd be there 100%. I barly talk to my friends anymore...they are all going out and having fun. I feel guilty leaving my mom, its sooo hard watching her suffer. Not to mention in and out of hospitals because of her unmanagable pain! Anyways, I havent cried in front of her, i dont want her to think im worried because she says i am her rock! But i just want to cry and cry and cry every second. It is the hardest thing in the world to say goodnight to her and watch her alone in her bed. Does anyone have any words of encourgement because I have been feeling down all day today. Thanks!

In Dec./08 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer and had surgery. She was going through chemo treatments when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb/09. I had my surgery without telling my mom because I didn't want her to worry about me with the chemotherapy she was already trying to deal with. The hardest part was keeping it from my mom and not having her there for support but I did what I thought was best. I shaved her head and took her wig shopping and after my surgery was done, I finally told her. She was upset, but understood. I think my diagnosis helped my mom deal with her cancer alot better. Sort of a blessing in disguise I think.

Telling my kids (age 18 &20) was also a very hard thing to do. They had just gone through their grandmothers cancer and now I had to tell them about mine. I became as informed as I possibly could so I could answer any questions that they had. I've stayed as upbeat and positive as I could  for them. I have since had sugery and have just completed my radiation treatments. We all made it through. I have been strong and positive and that same energy has also come from my kids. My mom's tough she'll be okay, they tell anyone who asks. One of them is a daughter, she knows what may be in store for her in the years to come. There is nothing either of us can do to change that.  

We can't change ourselves or our loved ones diagnosis of cancer....stuff happens. I think it's what we do with and how we deal with the "stuff" that we're dealt that makes all the difference. Live each day to the fullest and spend less time on the "what ifs" and more on the "what is"

Just wanted to share my story, maybe it can help someone