Log in to post a reply
May 1, 2012 11:10 AM blainejennifer wrote:
Oh honey, gird your loins. People get so scared when they hear our news that - for a moment - they turn their brains off, and the most amazing stuff comes gushing out. My family has learned to call it "the fear dump".
Save the best ones for coffee party tales, and pre-forgive them. When someone starts in a tangent that you Know is going to cause you distress, simply tell them that you can't talk about it. "I'm sorry. I can't talk about it right now." Practice in front of a mirror.
As for your Mom, we metsters are defying the odds every damn day, and thanks to medical advances, we intend to keep surviving, and agitating for a cure. Keep in mind that your Mom may not feel like talking about it all the time. Have delightful, distracting stories ready to go whenever you hit a cancer lull in the conversation. I have a friend who saves every filthy joke she has ever heard for me. She doles them out as needed. Think of it as a prescription: Take one Sophie Tucker joke as needed.
It is clear how much you love your Mom. On behalf of Moms everywhere, good job.
2006: Stage 2b ER/PR+, HER -, 5 cm, 5 nodes. Mast, Chemo, Radiation. 2012: Stage 4, 2 sclerotic lesions on rib/vertebrae. Switched to Tamoxifen from Arimidex, and started Zometa. Watching and waiting.
Log in to post a reply
May 1, 2012 11:17 AM SusansGarden wrote:
About a week after I was diagnosed, a former co-worker told me about how her mom died 2 weeks after her diagnosis. I said "great! then I have at least another week left!"
People just don't realize what they are saying...yes, it's a "fear dump".
"If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes."
Diagnosis: 10/6/2010, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Log in to post a reply
May 5, 2012 01:24 PM sweetbean wrote:
My personal favorite was the guy who marched up to me and said, "I was really sorry to hear that you have breast cancer, because you have always had really nice breasts." AWKWARD.
Diagnosis: 11/18/2010, ILC, 5cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 2/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
Log in to post a reply
May 5, 2012 01:26 PM sweetbean wrote:
Also, I had a friend compare my cancer with the time that she was single and couldn't find a boyfriend. 'Cause, you know, we had both faced such difficulties. Mind you, when she said this, she was bouncing her new baby on her knee and I was sitting there in a scarf and sporting TE's, but hey, being single is HARD. *gigantic eye roll*
Diagnosis: 11/18/2010, ILC, 5cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 2/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
Log in to post a reply
May 19, 2012 04:18 AM mom2my4babes wrote:
Sounds all too familiar! We call it "verbal vomit" and my mom's sister has a BAD case of it! I swear since my mom was diagnosed 3ish weeks ago, EVERY SINGLE TIME she comes to see my mom it's cancer talk from start to finish! THANK GOD I live right next door to my parents cause I can just excuse myself from the convo & go home. So far it has ranged from when she found out my mom was sick it was " what about the 4th of July, Thanksgiving & Christmas!! What are we gona do??" see, my mom & I have ALWAYS been the one to host holiday celebrations for our HUGE family mainly because between our two houses, we can have up to 6-8 people staying with us for as long as they need, no hotel & we actually have the celebration at my parents house because it's got the room to fit everyone. So instead of her being worried about my mom, she was worried about how SHE is gona spend the holidays for the next yr...REALLY??? The next one came on Mother's Day, the twit, as I affectionately call her, walks in with the big smile, acting drunk silly, even though she was stone sober, & says" here, I know it's Mother's Day, but I'm calling it Sissy day"..then hand my mom a grocery bag full of canned asparagus & grape juice!!! " Now Sissy, you need to eat & drink this EVERYDAY & it will help make you better"...are ya KIDDIN me??!!! First off, she has NEVER called my mom "sissy", I nearly gagged as did my dad & brother!!! Secondly, everything my Aunt is doing is out of GUILT! She & my Nana have ALWAYS taken advantage of my mom & her big, giving heart and they KNOW it! Before mom got sick, my Aunt & Nana would visit my mom MAYBE once a week ( they only live 10 mins away) & if they are over more, then it's to eat dinner cause myself or my mother has cooked a big meal.Now they are at her house & in her face EVERY day!! I'm bout to loose my mind!! My Aunt is forever treating this like she has all the answers to BC..that even mom's doctors are wrong. Come into my parents house & totally dismisses my dad & I, even better, she dismisses my mother!! Doesn't seem to care what my mom WANTS..it's all about what my Aunt wants! I can feel the storm brewing. My brother has noticed what is going on & it's only a matter of time before he FLIPS HIS LID! It would be one thing if all this was actually HELPING my mom, but it's making matters worse. My mom sees right threw this & by the time my Aunt & Nana leave each day, my mom's sprits are down, she's worn out & has to lay down cause she starts feeling bad again. This is SO not good for my mom & I have no idea how to remedy the problem..other then to move us all out of state secretly, but I'm sure the phones are wire tapped by now & our houses are under surveillance!!
NanG
ontario canada
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 172
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 12:39 AM NanG wrote:
some guy (a so called friend) just posted on my facebook wall..."its' okay, breast cancer really isn't a big deal. its the most curable form of cancer, you'll be fine"
im pretty sure he thought he was encouraging me.
Dx 4/25/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 2, HER2-Surgery 06/18/2012 Mastectomy (Both); Reconstruction: DIEP flap (Both)
Jo5
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 18
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 07:54 AM Jo5 wrote:
People are so clueless. My sister in law said my breasts were "superfluous". That has been the most CRUEL thing said to me by far. Just heartless. Family functions are not the same............
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 08:49 AM sweetbean wrote:
NanG, you need to set him straight with some statistics.
Dx 11/18/2010, ILC, 5cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 2/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
julz4
PA
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,433
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 09:07 AM julz4 wrote:
I went into my Family Dr's office to pic up a prescription & I was just DX. Thinking this is a Dr's office, some compassion should be there! I mentioned to the receptionist what was going on. We have been coming to this office for almost 30 years. I got a I'm sorry, but then quickly after that was " Just think you can have perky ones again"! I was thrown for a loop! Walked out of the office & not 5 minutes later thought.....I don't want perky ones! I want cancer free ones!!!!!
((((( Jo5, NanG, Mom2my4babe, Sweetbean, SusansGarden, Blainejennifer)))))
DX 5/15/2012 with DCIS. Partial Mastectomy & CNB 5/22/2012, DX 5/30/2012 DCISMI, 2.8cm, Tumor stage T1, Grade 2-3/3, 0/2 nodes, ER-/PR-, waiting on Her2 testing results.
OM12
Ontario
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 53
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 05:19 PM OM12 wrote:
NanG... exactly why I don't want to tell people about my dx... I'm pretty sure my brain/mouth filter would not kick in and I'd end up saying something I'd regret if (when) I got any comments like that... People are so clueless so much of the time.
...Take these broken wings and learn to fly - All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise...
Dx 5/28/2012, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 3
midnight132…
PALMERSTON NORTH New Zealand
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 884
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 08:26 PM midnight1327 wrote:
I was home from surgery for one morning when i had my lumpectomy and the landlord rings up and says we would like to come and do a house inspection and the day we told them after my DX he rings up and says, what time what be suitable to come and do house inspection and he knew what what was happening as we had just told them and then after surgery wanted to come and do it. lol MY mom was with me and she got on phone and told him to take a running jump. i don't think he liked that very much, but did not hear from him for another month. It takes all sorts to form a world.
Dx 8/12/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 3, PR+, HER2+
midnight132…
PALMERSTON NORTH New Zealand
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 884
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 08:30 PM midnight1327 wrote:
p/s he gave us an eviction notice that he wanted us out and i was then in the middle of rads. mom wasnt there to come to my aid, but he was a pain. he said, he wanted to refurbish house etc and pulld all windows out as its an old house, but he was want ing to take over sheds even when we lived there to put hay in as it was on a small lifestyle block. so we better off out of it, timing was just crap.
Dx 8/12/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 3, PR+, HER2+
OM12
Ontario
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 53
Log in to post a reply
Jun 3, 2012 08:36 PM OM12 wrote:
midnight - people can be just brutal.... hopefully you are in a much nicer, calmer space now...
...Take these broken wings and learn to fly - All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise...
Dx 5/28/2012, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 3
Log in to post a reply
Jun 4, 2012 06:57 PM whippetlover wrote:
When I was diagnosed almost 8 years ago a 'friend' who i had known for over 40 years said "well, that's a wake-up call". What!!!! I didn't cause this to happen! Needless to say we are no longer close as she spent the next few years ringing me every time she had her annual mammogram to tell me that she was 'all clear'.
Then, a few years ago another friend who is in her late 70's said to me; "at least you know what you'll die from". I let that one pass as she's a very blunt person who had just been through the suicide one of her sons.
It's such a shock when people that you know well react in this insensitive way. On the flipside, I have lots of friends who are positive, supportive and loving and they are the ones that I choose to spend time with. After a bc diagnosis it is much easier to make such choices.
midnight132…
PALMERSTON NORTH New Zealand
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 884
Log in to post a reply
Jun 4, 2012 10:52 PM midnight1327 wrote:
I think some people are so absorbed in themselves and they have no room for emapthy and or give much thought to how they affect another person. I mean whippetlover, she was just rubbing salt in a stingy wound reminding you each year of that. very thoughtless. They either don't think past themselves or don't think. glad you had a good support network and loving friends, you enjoy and cherish that.
Dx 8/12/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 3, PR+, HER2+
Log in to post a reply
Jun 4, 2012 10:53 PM Blessings2011 wrote:
Hopeful999 - I am so sorry to hear about your mom, and about your babbling co-worker. After I was dx'd, whenever a stranger or an acquaintance would say something particularly insensitive, I perfected a cold, unblinking stare, and would ask "Excuse me? Exactly how is this helping me?" and just wait for an answer. At least it made them think twice about what they would say to the next person who was dx'd with BC.
blainejennifer - I love your phrase "pre-forgive them."
I have some awesome friends and family, that out of love have said things that maybe weren't the most sensitive things they could have said, but I still felt loved and supported. Sometimes they took my humor and tried to match it. Worked o.k. except when I wasn't feeling so haha...
I've also gotten some "pink ribbon" gifts I've just stared at and thought "WTH?" But because the sender was so dear to me, I just had to "pre-forgive" them.
With strangers, though, I have no desire to play nice. I am not rude, but I am honest. And if it's a teachable moment, I use it.
Dx 9/15/2011, IDC, <1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-Hormonal Therapy ArimidexSurgery 12/05/2011 Mastectomy (Both); Lymph Node Removal (Left); Reconstruction: Tissue expander placement (Both)
mamglam
ON
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 200
Log in to post a reply
Jun 5, 2012 01:41 PM mamglam wrote:
This has been a difficult and painful journey for me. I do not appreciate when insensitive people make comments about me or my disease. I have been trying to tolerate situations and have not been very successful in doing so. To forgive and forget those comments has not been easy and therefore, been hard to deal with. I commend those who have been able to "preforgive". I have been working on having my daughters become the "caregivers" since I have been recovering. Even this task has been hard to do but been putting an extra effort into it.
In my recovery, I am currently finished treatment and would love to put all this behind me. But some people just cannot put it aside and help me to move forward.
Log in to post a reply
Jun 5, 2012 03:37 PM sbelizabeth wrote:
Believe it or not, when I was first diagnosed, some of the most insensitve comments I fielded were from other women who have, or have had, breast cancer.
"I had a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction and it ruined my sex life."
"The radiation fried my heart. Now I'll die of heart disease."
"Ugh. Chemo brain." (This was from a very early stage woman who had not had chemo, before I started mine.)
"If I had stayed on arimidex I would be insane by now." (From another early stage woman, warning me what to expect.)
"I'm so glad I didn't have to have chemo. I wanted to avoid it if I could." (Yeah, I would have liked to avoid it too. I can't, but thanks for gloating.)
Six months into this cancer thing, when I'm speaking with a breast cancer sister, I've learned to sense when the conversation will turn to "the miseries" and steer it another direction. I do not want to filter my experience through other women's need to off-load their fears onto me.
And boy, am I careful when I'm speaking with a newly diagnosed sister!
Log in to post a reply
Jun 5, 2012 09:16 PM, edited Jun 5, 2012 09:26 PM
by LongIslandMama52
I was having a particularly bad day just a few days prior to having a unilateral mastectomy. I had asked DH to help with straightening up and getting rid of all of his newspapers. I went out to get some last minute things for hospital stay and when I came home, nothing had been done and I guess I snapped. I felt that if I couldn't depend on him to take care of getting rid of newspapers how could I depend on him when I came home from hospital. I began crying, sobbing and I guess it got to him and his reply to me was and I quote him
"I don't deserve this, but you do". Yes, he said I deserved cancer. No I didn't leave him - insurance is through him, but needless to say, I was right, couldn't depend on him before surgery and not so much after either. I'm my own caregiver and at least I know I can depend on me.