Topic: How do you tell your child?

I do wish I had a fantastic answer for you.  I know this is such a hard process.  My son was only 15 months when I was diagnosed, so my approach with him was a lot different than yours will be with a 5 year old. 

While I was going through tx, a friend from church was going through tx for thyroid cancer.  She has 4 kids from ages 15 months to 18 years (at the time).  She told the middle kids, "Mommy has some yucky in her that needs to be taken out."  I thought that was just right.  No need to get too in depth-kids gloss over pretty quickly.  They especially gloss over if they sense your fear and sadness. 

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.  You can do this. 
Love and prayers, Deb

Hi,

Here's what I did.........I had a daughter that was 2 1/2, but very aware of things.  I also had a 9mth. old daughter.  I was petrified that my oldest would be scared of me with no boobies & no hair.

Every day, I would go on the computer to IVillage.com(I didn't know about this web site yet).  There was a girl that posted her picture of herself bald.  She was my age.  I would tell Meghan, "This is my friend Amy."  I did this every day for a few weeks.  When the time came and I lost my hair, I came downstairs with a baseball hat on.  My husband shaved my head at 5am before she woke.  I went over to her and said, "mommy is going to look like Amy, is it okay to take off my hat?"  She said yes.  I took it off, she didn't say a word for a second, then said, "Mommy you look silly!!!!"  She then turned back around and started watching tv.  It was one of the best days of my life.......

As far as the mastectomy, as odd as it sounds, she looked forward to draining my drains after the operation.  It was "her" job.  My plastic surgeon got a big kick out of it when I told him.

To this day, my 2 girls(7&5) don't know that mommy's got/had cancer.  I even had a recurrence to my spine & liver last Jan.(since in remission for 10mths!!!" and to this day go for weekly chemo treatment.  I just tell them that I need this medicine to make my back better.  I don't believe at this age they should know about cancer.....that's just my opinion.....unless God forbid I were to get worse........

Kim 

One thing our pediatrician said was to talk about how Mommy being sick was going to affect (or not affect) the kids. Like, although Mommy is sick, you can still be on the soccer team, go to ballet, take piano, etc. Or not. He said at a young age, kids are egocentric, and it's important to address how all of this will affect them. So that's what I've been trying to do.

My 9 year old is having a hard time with my hair loss. My 5 year old doesn't seem to care. How they react has a lot to do with their personalities, I think.  

It's so interesting how children at different stages in their little lives react to/deal with things.  Daniel (my 3 year old) has seen my scars from the moment I came home from the hospital.  I can totally understand your mindset, Janet, but I guess since Daniel is a boy, I'm not as worried about traumatizing him that this would possibly happen to him.  I also want him to just make his Mommy's "owwies" a normal part of his life. 

Therefore, my son has grown up with a slightly skewed view of how to handle certain situations.  He tries to examine my breast when I am at the doctor's for a check-up.  He reaches out and pokes at different women's chests because he is fascinated that they don't feel like mine.  He says, "Cancer sucks!"  I'm slightly embarrassed by this, but I don't want him to react like others do, and have him afraid of a person just because they have/had cancer.  I'm proud that when he sees one of those blasted pink ribbons, he points and shouts, "Look, Mommy!" 

Does that make any sense?  I'm so bad at expressing myself at times. 

Oh, and NRS, I totally understand the total need and urge to protect your baby (if I am substituting at Daniel's school I want to jump in any time I see someone bully him!!!).  That makes you a very special mommy. 

Love and prayers, Debbie

My girls were 5 and 9 when diagnosed the first time. Their grandfather passed away 16 mos before from a brain tumor. My oldest new more about his brain tumor than most adults (they were very close). So when my diagnosis came in we just took them to the Onc. with us and he sat them down explained things and told them he was going to make me better. He gave them a business card and told them they could call him if they had any questions. My funniest thing was when after my mapping for radiation, my 5 year old asked if she could draw on the other side! She liked the dr. and staff so much she asked if the could go there when she got bc.

My truth was less scarry than their imaginations and they have some big ones. Now 12 years later, they are 17 and 21. They helped shave my head this time, matter of fact, so did their friends. I don't have to pick up their toys and they even do their own wash. Sometimes, I can even get them to remember to clean their rooms!!!!!  Oh and nobody wants to draw on my other boob this time!

But they still rub my head!

Sharon

I just have to add:

Like you, I was worried about scaring my children. THEY were (and are) my top priority.

So I really downplayed everything. Made it all sound like no big deal. And I always got up every day and got dressed. Never stayed in bed. Never hung out in my jammies. For all they knew, I was fine. Just had to sleep a lot.

I told them I had an owie too. And about the medicine that would make me lose my hair. But I also emphasized that the medicine would make me ALL better.

Today, they think I'm 100% fine. They don't know how terrified I am. They don't know how serious my illness was. They just know mommy always has been there for them.

Oh, and my tip for getting through chemo: spend a lot of time watching videos with them and reading to them! 

crazy boards!

Thanks for these tips.  I was looking for advice for explaining a mastectomy to a 2 year old.  She already knows what breasts are and I told her once that she will have them when she grows up.  If she remembers that, I'm afraid she'll associate breasts with illness and pain.  Any further advice is appreciated!  I haven't scheduled my surgery yet but it will be in a few weeks.