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Apr 26, 2012 12:43 PM Bluebird-Essa wrote:
I am anger. I am fury. I am more than my emotions. I am electrified.
I hope this is true. "Your thoughts are not you..... you are a witness...."
Sometimes I sit and look around myself, thinking, feeling that I have been blessed, cared for, dropped off in my version of heaven on earth. There is nothing to do but plant wildflowers, it is so beautiful.
I said to my husband, I don't know if I have been brought here to recover or if I have been brought here to die.
Other times like last night when trying to sleep, all the fears of my life come into play. I feel the new landlord sit on the side of my bed and I awake afraid.... though he is not there, he is very real, someone else has key to my home. Someone I only now learned has a penchant for voyeurism.
I wake in the dawn to smell smoke, horrified it can find me again. But was it there? Two days ago, the smoke was real, though not an outside wood furnace. But very real, on the hill of my new haven where I have gone to recover.
Today, the bankruptcy trustee's letter deemed that of our $3590 in tax refunds that all but $248 goes to the bankruptcy estate. The full refund would give us the new start we deserve.... moreso, it would pay for 4 months of treatments for the cancer. But I will have to go without unless I sign up for a deal with the treatments though I may want to change my mind on later, and then I will owe full price immediately. The money could have been a savings net for when we need to move again. Could have fixed the brakes on our vehicle, but we go without. Could have been new shoes. Shoe money goes for treatments too.
When I lost my memory two years ago, I could not work. No emotions. No memory. No driving. And no social security disability for me.
I feel I am being pushed in the corner to die.
I am anger. I am fury. I am more than my emotions. I am more than witness. I am electrified.
We purchased this old place to retire. It would have paid for itself within a year, if I had been able to function in the smoke and toxic fumes from the neighbor's outside wood boiler. I I didn't have full blown cancer fueled by the carcinogenic estrogens from the smoke and fumes. By November, within twelve months of moving in, we found the only recourse for our survival was to give the house back to the bank and file bankruptcy to protect from lien deficiencies. We had spent so much on my treatments and medical bills of late that we had to use a loan to move, to even make our security deposit.
Insurance will not pay for my treatments of choice or supplements to heal. We pay out of pocket. I was unable to work for most of last year and just now ready to try this year. The exhaustion is terrible though, but I will try. The lymphedema is painful, swollen, heavy, but insurance will not cover care, so we forfeit treatment for that in lieu of cancer treatments.
I am going without treatments because we cannot afford them.
"Your thoughts are not you. There is a constant traffic. On the screen of the mind so many thoughts are moving, but you are not one of them. You are a witness, you are outside: you are seeing those thoughts moving."
Osho, from Your Questions Answered
Just for today, the fine line between gratitude and trust and faith and anger and fear and desperation is crossed, just for me, just for now.
Anyone else feel this way?
".....a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around.” Carolyn Birmingham quote
Diagnosis: 7/15/2011, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIb, Grade 3, 1/11 nodes, ER+/PR+