Topic: The Spiritual Journey Into Breast Cancer: Inspirational sharing

Apr 13, 2012 09:05 AM, edited Apr 13, 2012 09:08 AM by Bluebird-Essa

"Everybody is telling you to keep a low profile.  Why?  Such a small life, why keep a low profile? 

Jump as high as you can.

Dance as madly as you can."

Osho

Today I am packing again, moving to a new home where I will have aloneness and deep peace.  (Edited to add, if only I will allow myself deep peace.)   I feel moved to begin this thread to share with others who are on this breast cancer journey, how we all got where we are now and as we travel our individual paths, what we are morphing into.  It can be fun.  I hope to morph into that woman who sings bad opera from the hilltop of the old farm in the woods.  Please share with me.  If you jumped, where would you be?  If you dance madly, what is your song for today?

Apr 14, 2012 06:35 AM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

Many people with a diagnosis of cancer needlessly pollute their lives by living in the past or in the future....

We mire ourselves in the regrets of the past and miss the moment we have been given.....

Pick one activity this day, this moment, that brings you pleasure, contentment and happiness.  Do it now!  Know that the supply of these moments is limitless, there for the taking if you will only choose to do so.  Here, in the present moment, you will find your wellness."

Greg Anderson, Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do

This is very difficult for me.  I do worry and over-think.  This is what keeps me from deep peace.  I think cancer has brought me to the need to live in the moment, thus take out my stressors and find other means to use my energy and time.

Today I am going to singwhile I hang curtains in the new house.  Decorating is one activity I absolutely love! and I am moving to a place in the woods with a view of the meadow.   And I get to decorate a little bit.

Diane

Apr 17, 2012 04:43 PM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

Poetry

Pablo Neruda, poet   July 1904 - September 1973

Creativity.  It's like remembering to breathe.  It is in there, in us.  But we forget.  We hold our breath.  We hold back our instinct to let go and give way to pure nonsense, utter foolishness.  No editor allowed.

Not only do I need to learn not to be perfect, which drove me crazy because I never was perfect.  I need to learn to let go, really let go of all expectations.

Who actually lets go and creates?  What are we creating?

Right now, one foot in front of the other, I am moving to a place that is not mine, leasing a vacation home for one year.  I don't need to worry what colors the wall will be.  They will be imperfect to me, tan, so tan.  But tidy and exactly what Hubby and I need right now.  So I can choose pillow colors.  Imperfectly.  Believe it, this is a challenge.  To make decisions in a week, execute, enjoy, do not edit the outcome, relax.  I must hurry and get it done though because there is so much more to create.  Don't want to be unpacking and decorating for too long.

What are you doing imperfectly today?  What is your complete foolishness that you embraced today?

Apr 26, 2012 12:43 PM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

I am anger.  I am fury.  I am more than my emotions.  I am electrified.

I hope this is true.  "Your thoughts are not you..... you are a witness...."

Sometimes I sit and look around myself, thinking, feeling that I have been blessed, cared for, dropped off in my version of heaven on earth.  There is nothing to do but plant wildflowers, it is so beautiful.

I said to my husband, I don't know if I have been brought here to recover or if I have been brought here to die.

Other times like last night when trying to sleep, all the fears of my life come into play.  I feel the new landlord sit on the side of my bed and I awake afraid.... though he is not there, he is very real, someone else has key to my home.  Someone I only now learned has a penchant for voyeurism.

I wake in the dawn to smell smoke, horrified it can find me again.  But was it there?  Two days ago, the smoke was real, though not an outside wood furnace.  But very real, on the hill of my new haven where I have gone to recover.

Today, the bankruptcy trustee's letter deemed that of our $3590 in tax refunds that all but $248 goes to the bankruptcy estate.  The full refund would give us the new start we deserve.... moreso, it would pay for 4 months of treatments for the cancer.  But I will have to go without unless I sign up for a deal with the treatments though I may want to change my mind on later, and then I will owe full price immediately. The money could have been a savings net  for when we need to move again.  Could have fixed the brakes on our vehicle, but we go without.  Could have been new shoes. Shoe money goes for treatments too.

But, no.  

When I lost my memory two years ago, I could not work.  No emotions.  No memory.  No driving.  And no social security disability for me.

I feel I am being pushed in the corner to die.

I am anger.  I am fury.  I am more than my emotions.  I am more than witness.  I am electrified.

We purchased this old place to retire.  It would have paid for itself within a year, if I had been able to function in the smoke and toxic fumes from the neighbor's outside wood boiler.  I I didn't have full blown cancer fueled by the carcinogenic estrogens from the smoke and fumes.  By November, within twelve months of moving in, we found the only recourse for our survival was to give the house back to the bank and file bankruptcy to protect from lien deficiencies.  We had spent so much on my treatments and medical bills of late that we had to use a loan to move, to even make our security deposit. 

Insurance will not pay for my treatments of choice or supplements to heal.  We pay out of pocket.  I was unable to work for most of last year and just now ready to try this year.  The exhaustion is terrible though, but I will try.  The lymphedema is painful, swollen, heavy, but insurance will not cover care, so we forfeit treatment for that in lieu of cancer treatments.  

I am going without treatments because we cannot afford them.

"Your thoughts are not you.  There is a constant traffic.  On the screen of the mind so many thoughts are moving, but you are not one of them.   You are a witness, you are outside: you are seeing those thoughts moving."

Osho, from Your Questions Answered

Just for today, the fine line between gratitude and trust and faith and anger and fear and desperation is crossed, just for me, just for now.

Anyone else feel this way?

Apr 27, 2012 09:43 PM Joy_ wrote:

"It gets exhausting, trying to escape this moment, trying to avoid what is, trying to push away the waves of life, waves that are already deeply accepted in the vast ocean of present experience. And it gets exhausting, too, trying not to try. It's truly exhausting, trying to avoid feeling exhausted. But the exhaustion is not a mistake, for it contains a great invitation, as everything does - the invitation to stop pretending to be 'the exhausted one', and admit that even exhaustion, yes, even that, is deeply allowed - already allowed - in what you are. You're vast enough. So feel exhausted, feel more exhausted than you've ever felt! - and discover the Beloved right there. Even in the midst of exhaustion - which never belonged to you in the first place - who you are is truly inexhaustible."

Jeff Foster

Apr 30, 2012 12:15 PM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

Joy - thank you, just thank  you.

Today, as in the last few days, I am in a much better place.  Gardening helps me be calm and happier too.  Yesterday, I sang loudly there on the hill.  I need a songbook for words but inside the music has never left.  When I was in elementary I used to swing and sing for hours, loudly, a hundred songs I knew.  But now the words of the songs are not me, I have beliefs anew, but the melody is there for the new messages, the melodies have never left.  Do I know enough to make up the words?   Yes,yes I do, for I know nothing at all .... and that is enough.

"Make peace with your lack of knowing and trust that place fiercely."

from Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin

Apr 30, 2012 06:52 PM dunesleeper wrote:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iEbjw...

It is Deep Peace by Donovan.

Apr 30, 2012 09:32 PM Joy_ wrote:

I've been reading self-help, on the fringes of psychology, philosophy and spirituality for most of my life.  Always seeking for a way to feel more peace and be more confident.  I love the writing of many wise people.  In the end, it seems to boil down to one thing. Our pain all seems to be attached to our image of our self, the one we build up from babies. Our name, family, home, the beliefs we develop over time, recreation choices, education, religion, politics, treatment options, all our likes and dislikes. 

All the negative feeling we have are to defend some image of who we think we are.   It's so clear on the threads here when people feel their beloved beliefs are being challenged.  Oh the outrage and upset that someone else dares to express different beliefs!  Yet it's insane to think others will have formed all the same beliefs when our backgrounds and experiences are so very different.

So my ever evolving philosophy at this moment is to drop my expectations of others, accept everyone just as they are, including myself.  Just to be open to life as it presents itself.  I observe my own feelings of resistance when others do things I find "offensive" which is purely about me, not them.  I try my hardest to accept those feelings without acting on them, I try to see it from the other person's view.  When I can easily drop those reactions, I will have peace.

Everyone says to reduce stress in our lives.  Yet no one says HOW.  It's always assumed we need to cut down external pressures and commitments, but we can't change what happens to us, only how we react to it.  The answers are all internal, about how we see ourselves and the world.

I feel this is key to our wellbeing which affects our hormones and immune system and ultimately, our health.   Does that all sound crazy?  Or common sense?

May 1, 2012 02:53 AM Joy_ wrote:

"A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive." (Albert Einstein, 1954)

Even Einstein saw that we are not separate. We are all one. It sounds like he was spiritually enlightened.

May 2, 2012 09:29 AM, edited May 2, 2012 12:42 PM by Bluebird-Essa

Nature.  In Latin, solitudo. 

"In true solitude, you remember yourself as part of everything, as part of nature.  You rediscover  ease, inspiration, belonging, and wisdom in your own company."

Soulcraft, 2003

When we first learned of this place we are now living, I was not convinced.  I stared up the boring a*# driveway through the barren fields and thought a dismal existence of boredom and unseen yet unkept property was beyond the locked farm gate and bend up the hill.  

But that first evening at the end of the driveway, by the ditch and mailbox, where not a soul passed on the country road, Hubby and I smelled the strong scent of skunk.  It is a familiar scent we both rather enjoy, a balm, a guide.  When we drove away, the scent fumigated our Suburban.  What? did the skunk crawl inside?  But, no.... eventually the smell dissipated.

The next evening we went to see the house and land.  Two turkey vultures flew up from the roadside, crossed over our vehicle and soared across the fields to the property.  When we drove up the lane, four turkey vultures came up, two on each side and flew up the lane to the house.  Now they had our attention.  Some are guided by the hawk, us by the turkey vulture.  Sooooo, when we were outside by the old green barn with the property owner and four turkey vultures were soaring over us, we pretended they were not there.

Being odd folks, Hubby and I commented later, that was very interesting, wasn't it, that the skunk and turkey vultures were there for us at this 80-acre place in the middle of around 4000 acres of classified forest.  

"I can do this for a year," I said.

What I am doing for a year, I have no idea.  Just this.  Solitude, aloneness, quiet, nature.  Letting go of stuff and baggage.  Writing, reading, singing, painting, drumming.  Healing?  Living?  Passing?  Do I care?  I try not to.  The solitude is enough.

edited for typos

May 2, 2012 12:51 PM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

I love the way this thread is moving,

where we hear one another,

listen closely,

say thank you for sharing

and let it go,

not attempting to counsel, fix, solace, judge....

as it will be,

simply sharing. 

Yes, you just gave to me that thought,

thank you, I accept.  

Perhaps the person will share a thought too,

perhaps another time.  

I love the flow.

May 2, 2012 08:44 PM Joy_ wrote:

When I was new to BCO, I was reading a thread for long term survivors.  A woman said when she was diagnosed stage IV, she decided to clean up her life.  She left home and moved in with a friend, leaving behind a bad marriage and lots of "stuff".  Later she moved into a trailer with minimum possessions and a new attitude.  At the time of writing, around ten years had passed with NED and she was convinced she was cured.  She commented that she'd kicked all the junk out of her life, the man, the possessions and the cancer.

I remember being struck that it was possible to make such changes, that we don't have to be victims if we can drop the negatives from our life. I suspect it means changing the way we see ourselves and the world, but since we can't see into the minds and thoughts of others, we can only guess how it's done.

The other thing that struck me was the lack of responses to her post.  Too much time had passed for me to comment.  Everyone was keen to tell their own story and if I remember correctly, ignored this amazing revelation.

May 3, 2012 06:12 AM lovemyfamilysomuch wrote:

Buddhist Scripture

May 5, 2012 09:56 AM Bluebird-Essa wrote:

Some would shoot the whipoorwill for its relentless cries all the night long, much more vocal than a rooster at dawn.  I find my new friends on the hill at the old farm bring joy to my life and laughter into my heart.  My granddaughter asked me last nighlolt, Why do they sing all night, why so loud, why so endless?  I don't know, but they are astounding.

Diane, from Whipoorwill Hill   .....  

Internet will be hooked up via satellite on Sunday morning, may talk tomorrow.

May 6, 2012 07:23 AM Joy_ wrote:

Since I just typed out a true inspirational story for someone, I may as well repeat it here.

My great grandmother Elizabeth's maiden name was LOVE, born in the mid-1800's. When she was 23, her older sister Emma died, possibly in childbirth. Elizabeth became the substitute mother to her sister's 5 year old son. Four years later, at age 28 or 29, she gave birth to the first of 10 children to her brother in law Mr Gunn, who I assume she married.  Marriage records not found so far by my cousin who is the family researcher.  She was 44 or 45 when she had the last of her 10 children, 11 if you count her sister's son. Three born after she turned 40. Her second child was my maternal grandmother.

They sure knew how to breed in those days! Makes me tired just thinking about it.