Topic: I DON'T FEEL POSITIVE!!!!

It's ok not to be positive. I wasn't.

When people say to be positive it is annoying. I think they say it because they simply don't know what else to say.

It sucks.I know. Rant away!!

BTW...I'm not positive regarding my BC diagnosis or prognosis....I'm realistic. But I am positive in every other aspect in my life.

And thats ok. Maybe one day it will change....maybe it won't we all deal with this crappy disease differently. There is no right or wrong way.

Rant away, Shanagirl.

I will feel positive when I need to feel positive. It won't cure my cancer, it won't prevent recurrence, all it will do is make a "positive" day a more pleasant one - which is no small thing. 

The "positive" people are just a step away from "blame the victim". All the hype about "lifestyle changes" makes people figure if you get bc, it's your fault. Well, you didn't "eat right". Nope, had a pretty good diet. You were "obese". Nope, no more than a little overwewight, and not most of my life.You drank. Nope, never touch the stuff (not such a virtuous little girl, don't like the taste of alcohol). You smoked (for about 5 years, stopped more than 35 years b4 dx).You had your kids at a late age, you selfish thing. Nope, was 26 when my first ds was born. You didn't nurse your kids. Nope, nursed all of them for a long time. You restricted the number of kids you have. Nope, had 6.

And I live with a fear of recurrence every day. Nothing anyone says, nothing I do, no statistics will allay that fear. I will live my life to the fullest, but the fear will always be there. Maybe I will live EVEN BETTER because of the fear, since I will appreciate being alive in ways I didn't before.

But the fear will always be with me. 

Leah

Hi Ladies,

I really don't post much, but am on here daily. I hope you don't mind but I just can't resist chiming in here.  Unfortunately I found this site five whole months after my dx.... five months too late, but it's been like a lifeline to me. 

For five months I was the poster child for positivity, throughout my surgery and all through chemo.  Then, after I started rads everything started going downhill.  I felt alone, got depressed and cried uncontrollable.  Chemo through me into an early menapause, and I started thinking about things I'd been trying not to think about and avoiding.  PTSD??  Then I found this site.  It was so reassuring to find women who were feeling the same way I was!  No matter what I've been thinking, or feeling, it's here somewhere.  People lo to ask how I am doing as long as the answer was, "good, or pretty good".  Now that I feel like total crap, no one wants to hear that and they think you're complaining.  Like so many on this site, I'm bald, fat, un-GODLY tired and crabby, and the only place I can feel like it's OK to feel that way, is on here!!  So we should NEVER have to apologize for this hell we are all going through.  You can only be positive for so long. 

Every single one of us have a reason to bitch and complain.  No one should ever have to go through this.

I saw the topic, and just wanted to join you:

I keep coming back to this ask the expert post:

On Wednesday, June 19, 2002, our Ask-the-Expert Online Conference was called Dealing with Breast Cancer Fears. Rosalind Kleban, L.C.S.W. andMarisa Weiss, M.D. answered your questions about aspects of breast cancer that cause concern.

And, I posted a link earlier to Barbara Ehrenreich's new book about how much she resented the "think positive" "embrace your disease" approach when she had bc

There's a Daily show interview and a great, IMO, article

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-october-14-2009/barbara-ehrenreich

 http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/cancerland.htm

If my oncologist, who had bilat mx for DCIS, showed me a watch with a diamond pink ribbon, I don't know what I'd do....

Kira  

Shanghai-

I completely understand where you are coming from--and I am in the positive girls club!!! But I think you are right-- it is not that you are positive or negative--you are realistic--this is how I describe myself....

I think this experience leaves us feeling so depleted--- the treatments, the stress of the diagnosis, the unkown.... I can tell you that I have more good days than bad, and I am grateful--but as I was cycling through everything, I needed to go to therapy every couple of weeks to work out the issues--- I did not tell lots of people about my dx, so I thankfully did not have too many people telling me to be positive, but I so hate when people do that.... you have to be who you are and feel what you feel--period....

 I think there are better days ahead, but like anyone's life, there will be dark days as well.... I think we get to have whatever kind of day we want!!

hugs 

The bottom line is we make people nervous, they think if we are positive then we will be fine. If we fall apart, it shows out human frailties and they just cant deal with that. I am and always have been a very positive person but I have had many, many days I just felt like crap. I told my family from the start, I am not going to be one of those happy cheerful cancer people. If it gets to hot just get away from me as fast as you can, or just let me scream and get it over with.

If someone told me to be "positive" I told them off. I'm positive because I'm alive and I still manage to smile, cry, scream and ask for support, sometimes one at the time, sometimes all together. Ignore the "stay positive", FEAR is normal, BEING SCARED is normal, CRYING is normal, what is not normal is denial, and my sister in journey, you're not in denial, you are just woman facing a big ordeal with the best you have in you: yourself. So, find your own positive state, what ever it looks like don't allow anyone to tell you different.

Misery loves company, I guess. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in the way I feel.  Again, I was feeling so UNPOSITIVE this morning while getting ready to go for rad.  I had the TV on and suddenly was listening to Suzanne Sommers doing an interview on the Early Show.  She was on a rant about how chemo and radiation don't help cancer patients at all and that the medical communtiy is attacking her for her natural cure without chemo and rad.  She is "cancer free" after 10 years without chemo and rad, and feels wonderful on her hormones and natural diet.  She says she talked to Farrah before she died after 3 rounds of chemo and rad and blah blah blah blah.  I was so annoyed at her for judging everyone for going with standard chemo and rad. She said she's cancer free because she chose her alternative treatment without chemo and rad, and looks and feels wonderful because she takes her hormones. Meanwhile I'm thinking, I'm hormone starved and going with the standard of care treatments.  So it was enough to make me think scarey thoughts about my rad treatment I was starting this week.  She reminded me of the old time snake oil salesmen pushing their product and making money off the sick.  I wouldn't go out and buy her book for a principle.  Now that makes me feel a little more positive.

I too was positive throughout most of my treatment.  It was shortly after radiation that my mood began to go down hill.  For me I think it was partially letting go of my treatment team.  I also went through another bout of depression shortly after my reconstructive surgery.  This isn't easy to deal with.  It's okay to be sad, angry, and even annoyed with well meaning friends who just don't get it.

Yes Shana - thanks for creating this thread - lots of good points shared.

I am English so I don't know this Suzanne S. woman, but I think it is hooey,  the same as baking soda etc.

 Love the sound of the "bright sided" book.  I have noticed that the Self Help sections in bookshops here have declined is size - I wonder if this type of stuff is a bit played out?  Some of it strikes me as being stuff which preys on our insecurities and in any case, who are a lot of the people that write this stuff.  Anyone could do it and it is not generally verified for facts in any way.

(having said that, there are of course some books which are helpful).

Shana - don't give up yet on career.  I am not at work at the moment but am doing interviews from next week onwards ( I am half way through chemo).  Maybe your day will come - I wish you luck.

 Ah ha - another tyranny - "there is no such things as luck".  Total bullshit.  There is.  This type of thinking belongs to arrogant people who like to worship their own supposed wisdom/energy etc which is somehow better than mine/yours.   Hooey!  Yes, we can assist ourselves to create good things in all sorts of ways, but it is not a given that these things always work.

I recall that historically, the English are supposed to be somewhat represssed. This was not considered A GOOD THING.    So how come, if somebody is feeling down, scared etc they should repress that and put on the false happy face?

 For myself, I am a determined, successful career woman and  am trying to move ahead in the best way I am able currently.  I am fairly positive about that, despite the difficult job market, competition etc in my field, and the fact that I still have 3 more chemos and then rads to do.

But I really don't need someone to tell me if I was more positive I could get past this disease.  And I don't bother being particularly polite if this comes up.

I know how to do positive.  What I am not sure how to deal with is the loss of mental and emotinal freedom.  That's my bugbear.

Lastly, I do have grEat days too, but I see no rason why anyone should tell someone else to be positive  if that person is needing to express fear etc.  NOT HELPFUL!

WITH MUCH LOVE TO ALL -XXXXXXX

Get it out! Let your REAL feelings be said. I am so grateful for this forum. I don't really tell my family what I'm feeling or how scared I get because I don't want to scare my children. And my in-laws (MIL, in particular) is always telling me how I should be a warrior (like her.) She doesn't have breast cancer or anything. But  her lectures (and if I share anything, she always lectures me) - her lectures make me want to slit my throat. Oh, it felt good to say that! So, thanks for letting the real me have my say. And I do hope you feel better soon, because I know what it feels like to NOT feel  "positive." Diagnosis: 2008, 4cm, Stage IIIc, 10/22 nodes

Thanks so much for all of your words of encouragement.  Today was better than yesterday.  I went for rad treatment day 2.  I have to go for 6 weeks.  Not thrilled about it either, especially hearing all the negative things about chemo and radiation not being good for you.  Neither is cancer traveling to the lymph nodes from the breast.,  Lauren, I just finished chemo too, and suddenly I think everyone does expect you to do backflips, and truly in reality, I'm scare shitless about just one or two cells being missed by treatment and dividing and multiplying somewhere else and having mets.  I already visit the "valley of fear" every day in my mind and picture my own funeral etc.  I really hate the bc thing that happened to me this year.  Never thought this time last year I would have already gone thru all this surgery and treatment, and scarring etc.

I know...why dont we just fart on the person who says, "Be positive." and say, "Right back at you."

What an excellent thread!  I have to chime in.

When I was first told I had BC, I was positive.  When I was told that I need a mastecomy, I was positive.  When I received my path report, I was positive.  When I went through chemo and rads, I was positive.  I remained positive through all of my hurdles of this past year.  Reason why I did, is because I had a ton of people around me routing for me, helpiing me through treatment.  Well, treatment is now over and so is my positive attitude.  I'm home alone during the day while my husband and son are off to work and school.   Creepy thoughts enter my mind and with the loss of so many BC sisters these past couple of weeks, it is hard not to venture down that depressing road.  I'm not positive about BC but I am positive about making sure that I live my life to the fullest extent!  I'm making sure that on weekends when my son and husband are off work, we are not just sitting around doing nothing, we are out making memories.  I exercise, changed my diet, taking supplements.  I'm doing what I can in the meantime to help my body fight off the high risk of reoccurance.

Yesterday, when I was having one of my bad days, I watched a lecture on You Tube that was given by my rad. onc.  And what he said made total sense.  Yes, a cancer d/x can be the most depressing and stressful on a persons life.  Once you go through your treatment and deemed NED, it is up to you how you live the rest of your life.  Stress plays a major factor in cancer reoccurance as stress does a number on our "healthy cells".  We all know stress can do strange things to our bodies even before any of us was d/x with BC.  What we all have to do, is try to remove the stress from our lives.  Live and work in a stress free enviornment.  No stress = healthy lifestyle. 

Sorry ladies if I'm rambling.  The bottom line is that I'm not positive about BC but I am positive about all other areas of my life and that is what I'm grateful for.