Topic: Lost Friends or Family Because of BC?

We didn't hear from one of my husbands brothers the whole way through treatment. Not even an email. A friend or acquaintance I can almost understand, but my husband has been quite hurt by his brother. It has certainly changed how I think about him.

I have had great support from a few people, a couple of them unexpectedly, and had more than a few keep their distance ("we don't want to intrude", etc...WTF??)

Funnily enough, now I am "all better" and clearly not dead, I have had several people come out of the woodwork, so to speak, and be all friendly again. People are weird.

Still, going through this whole experience has certainly given me insight in what to do/not to do, if anything like this happened to someone I know.

Sometimes people don't know what to do so they do nothing.

Or say that blanket "if there is anything I can do" which puts the ball back in your court, and you have to ask.

The best people who helped just did something. One friend just called and said - 'I will make you dinner once a week. Which is the best night'. Perfect.

i try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Some are so quick to visit, encourage and share their support.. and many have never mentioned the fact that I was bald. 

i had one man come up to me a year after my initial diagnosis.. he was sooo uncomfortable.  I hardly knew him and he said "Mary - i just want you to know that we have been praying for you all this year".. he blushed and stumbled away.. i think that touched me more than any other verbal message.  i could tell he was soo uncomfortable talking about it and i have no idea why...

My siblings have been less than diplomatic...   'omg - your hair is so scary'  - but they mean well, and i know they care.  I have this one brother who always asks me.. 'now what exactly is your prognosis'..  heh.. i just say 'good'.

I'm not particularly adapt at comforting those who mourn.  I wish I was.

Oh I just have to chime in here.  I think we have all experienced those supposed good friends and family members who just stayed away.  But, I kind of know where they are coming from.  For some it's just plain fear.  I had one very old friend who lives too far to visit who kept saying "Oh My GOD!!!  Oh My GOD!!!"  I just couldn't talk to her anymore. 

I had a newish friend about 4 years ago go through BC treatment.  I didn't know her very well then.  We did a fundraiser night to help her get a cleaning lady etc.  I sent flowers when she started chemo.  But, I didn't go over to visit while she was in treatment because, I didn't think that she would want visitors.  I know crazy.  I was crazy to think that.  Well, we are much better friends now and guess who brought me meals, came for visits, helped me take down my dust collecting Christmas tree?  I have had my eyes opened for what people really need when they go through this.  Of course, I apologized to her for not knowing, for being in the dark.   

My sister came up from Colorado after my surgery.  She is wracked with fear that it will happen to her.  Just being in the same house was her way of showing support.  But, the whole visit she locked herself in my spare room and worked on the computer.  My son was hoping she would do "fun stuff" with him.  No laundry, no dishwasher loading, absolutely no help. She even left the bedding when she shuffled out to the taxi in the middle of the night to get her plane.  But, that's my sister.  She tried in her own weird way. 

I have also made so many new and unexpected friends since this diagnosis.  The overwhelming love of strangers amazes me.  I have a neighbor who has now become a good friend set up a support night when all my neighbors organized playdates and meals.  My son's class parents who set up playdates, my dentist, my insurance agent call and email for updates.  And yet, some "good" old friends could not even call me.   It is amazing what we learn.

ha ha.. i am reminded of my sister.  she hasn't come over once to help or anything.. which is fine - i don't resent that at all.. in fact, i'd be kind of irked if she did come over.  she drives me bats.  We've had a stormy past but love and respect each other.

I had just had my surgery and the surgeon came in to talk to me and she was there.  She loves doctors and hospitals.  she was flirting with the surgeon and asking him all sorts of stupid questions about my recovery.. just to hear herself talk.  the surgeon finally turned to me intensely and said 'Is she a family member?  and I said 'NO'.. her eyes widened and she glared.  She said of course she was my sister that we had been sisters for 45 years.  Anyway, the surgeon said sister or not, -  she would have to leave so he could talk to me privately.  Boy, she was soooooooo mad at me when she came back in.  I told her I didn't remember telling the surgeon that we weren't related that one of us must have misunderstood.  She was livid and she is the type to go offffff.  I had to trick her again so that she wouldn't come back early the next day (i told her i had physical therapy or something).  Then she was mad when she found out that i gave away 1/2 of the absolutely massive bouquet of flowers she had brought.  - so many people on my floor had none and i bet there were 100 flowers in the arrangement.  it's always all about her.. that's just the way she is.

kind of off topic i guess.

I'm chiming in because I just had a conversation with my Mom about this today. 

I have one friend that I've been friends with for 30 years that since my diagnosis has not called, sent cards or flowers.  I have turned the other cheek and attended several of her parties and she has a lot, invited her to my daughter's high school ring mass (she's my daughter's godmother), she attended but ran out as soon as she could and never once said "how are you doing", she's cancelled every lunch I've planned with her with an excuse each and everytime and not come to another party I hosted, of course cancelling last minute with a lame excuse.  I tried and tried up until a month ago, at which time I quit calling to see how she is doing, her daughter (who is having trouble) is doing and the rest of her family.  Like Shana had happen, I do receive lame emails with cancer prayers, even one this week about not knowing when someone will "depart" this life - cherish them and so on, it ended with if I didn't forward this to 10 people I would lose someone...... Really!!! Could she not been a little more careful with that??? I've been there all of these years for her everytime she has a crisis, cancelled plans to be with her, cried with her and never have I once ignored her when she is dealing with something big.  I know from being her friend that she does not handle crisis well she is what I call a taker and I know that and have chosen to be her friend for the past 30 years knowing this. She has told my sister (because they talk?) that she is afraid of losing me and doesn't know what to say, but it still hurts because I love her.  So............ I have chosen to not call her for now and at some time when I'm ready I do plan to tell her how I felt. I'm just not up to the tears (which are filled in my eyes now as I type this) and the whole thing going back to her right now.....................

On the other hand, I have another friend of 38 years that has not left my side.  She calls me all of the time and we see each other at least once a week.  I have called in a crisis needing her to bring my youngest daughter to the doctor on several occassions and/or to pick up my daughter from school because I'm feeling too bad to drive and she has helped literally every time rearranging her schedule (which isn't easy with two young children) to help me.  And....... she always makes me laugh, she makes fun with me about my crazy SE's and can talk to me about everyday stuff w/o cancer.  We have entire conversations that never discuss cancer - which I am so thankful for. I trust her with my life - she is a true friend and I love her! My Mom has been wonderful - she runs errands, drops everything when I need her and has come to every dr and chemo appt without fail.  My MIL - has cooked minimum two meals a week since June and calls or comes by on a regular basis.  My cousin's wife (we've always been close), is the same way.  She has cooked for me, we go out to lunch, comes by with to visit (if I can't make it to her), not afraid to ask questions, but can have conversations that don't revolve around "cancer".  She invites me to her children's sporting events, which I attend most of the time.  My co-workers were unbelieveably supportive with gifts, cards (one sends one weekly), flowers, regular calls and emails, my boss has been overly caring and generous and my clients were extremely generous with gifts, food and support.  There were times I just cried at the overwhelming support of the people around me - it's been amazing and I feel so grateful to have them all in my lives and hope that one day I can give back to people in need as they have done for me.

I also agree it is very hard for people w/o BC or cancer for that matter to understand exactly what we're dealing with physcially and emotionally. I know I wouldn't understand how it felt to have lost all of your hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and boobs and deal with all of the crazy SE's until having gone through this.  My sister who tries so hard to say and do the right thing always says something insensitive without know it - .  She's supportive and comes by several times a week and/or calls and has helped with cleaning or errands, but just can't say the right thing and it's because she doesn't understand so I don't tell her about her crazy comments I let them roll...............  I guess what I'm saying is that I try to understand the other person as well and if I know they mean well - I ignore what they said - they didn't mean to hurt me.

I know this is long and apologize, but it's something that just came up today and is fresh in my memory. 

I have had the same experiences Lexislove!  As well as Timothy's (my husband).  People that were friends for decades did not ever appear.  And, casual friends so extremely supportive in every way imaginable.  A couple of people that I thought were casual friends are now my dearest friends ever.  You find out who your friends are!