Topic: What can I expect - As death approaches

I can only share my experience with death, hope it will be of some help to you.

My sister died last Nov. Hospice wasn't involved because she wasn't ready to stop treatment. Physically her body was ready ( it had thoroughly spread throughout her liver,whites of eyes were yellow, skin jaundiced...) but mentally she wasn't ready.

She died 5 days after her last chemo treatment. She did not want to go to a hospital, so I promised we would do our best for her at home. We had her pain meds to administer whenever needed.  When talking to her doctor he said that liver failure was one of the most "euphoric" ways to die.  He walked me through what would happen... how the body slowly shuts down, she'd be asleep more than awake, eventually in a coma and then die.

You're involving hospice will be a tremendous help to your family, as is your ability to even talk about death.

I still wonder if we did enough for my sister, if we could have helped her more. I can tell you that her dying was peaceful and perfect, if that makes any sense at all. My mom laid on the bed singing a lullabye, my dad sat on a chair next to her and I was sitting on the bed telling her she was loved.

I slept in that room on the floor for about a week before she died.  The window was always open, but I never noticed a breeze before that night.  An hour or so before she died a breeze came through and I remember thinking, "Mikey's here for you sis" He was by son's best friend but had died the previous year from a brain tumor.  She died on his 21st birthday and I believe they were celebrating that night in heaven. I really do believe that we are helped in our death, I guess that's why I added that last piece.

Dealing with one's own death must be difficult, but if you can do it, as someone left behind I would have found comfort in knowing that you had made peace with dying. Having some kind of prearranged funeral plans would have made it easier for her young adult children who were now left with no parent.

I hope this makes sense and in my effort to be helpful hope that I have offended no one.  Dying is a personal matter and I only meant to share my experience.

Peace and blessings to you.

Hi Regina,

My thoughts are with you as you're going through this emotionally painful time.

There are a few books about death that I'll recommend:

"How We Die" by Dr. Sherwin Nuland (caution:  this book is not for everyone--it's very descriptive).  Be aware that this book was written in 1994 and the treatments are somewhat outdated.

"Peaceful Dying" (sorry, forget the author's name)

"Last Rights" by Stephen Kiernan

Now go out and enjoy the rest of your life, or as my friend would say, "go and be wonderful".

Blessings to you.

Hi Regina,

     I am a nurse so I have seen death many times and it's something we all will face one day and its something we dont like to think about until we are faced with our own mortality. I believe it is so important to have people we love present at that time. I remember years ago I was working in ICU and a young prisioner was admitted and was dying. He didnt have any family members there. As he was dying he was fully aware of what was happening, I remember walking in his room he looked up at me and held out his hand. At that moment I reached out my hand to his and shortly after he died. Nothing mattered at that time just showing love and compassion to another human being.I have also witnessed my fathers death from lung cancer. I remember how he held on until my son was there to tell him goodbye he was in a coma up until that time but the power of love kept him alive until he knew my son was there. I look at death as a new journey, it would be nice if someone on the other side could give us a hint of what we have to look forward to but I guess that is what faith is all about. Regina I wish you peace. For all of us I hope that when our time comes to leave this world we are surrounded by people we love and who love us. God will be there for you now and always>  Stacey

Regina,

You are where I think I will be someday. I think those of us with mets have these questions running as an undercurrent more often than not. I remember reading somewhere (i thought it was here on this site) a very helpful post by a hospice worker about the dying process. It talked about signs that death is imminent. There will be more sleeping than waking, less responsiveness, and changes in appearance/skin color.

I think it is truly a shame that our society keeps the dying process cloaked in secrecy. Those of us that may die from our cancers could be comforted by more information.

I am glad that you have your faith. I will be sending you prayers.

I am so sorry I don't have any more helpful information for you. Perhaps your hospice nurses can help you get the information you need.

((((HUGS)))) and prayers,

Diane 

Bimmer,

I am so sorry, I hope Diane passes in peace and you have a shoulder waiting to lean on. What a contribution to young physicians, donating one's body. They will respect her in her death, and learn from her so as to contribute to human life. I hope to do the same some day.

I have started a new thread for the two of you, Bimmer. To mourn with you, and ensure your post does not get "swallowed". I copied your words, I trust you don't mind.

My heart is heavier today,
Tender

dear  Regina,

There is a very good book, that I have read, and many others too have read it. Its called "Dying Well".  Its the best book I have read on dying ever.  At this moment, the author is at the tip of my tounge but its later than late and I just cant think of it...but please buy it and read it....it has many true stories about this man who is a doctor "hospice" doc, and each chapter is another story about another patient.  Each is so different, but its excellent.  Please get it quickly as there are so many good/yea and sad stories in it, but it helped me, and as a matter of fact there was a story named Terry, spelt different than mine, but her story was so much me, it was like reading about my own life and how it is right now.

Bless you and may comfort overwhelm you at this time.

Ter

PS:

A really good friend of mine sent this to me and it just touched my heart....I hope it will yours too.

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the young woman continued.
"I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?". Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork .. the best is yet to come." The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.

He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. 

  And keep your fork!!!

Dearest Regina,

           While I've only been here a yr and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to know you personally, I can add some words of comfort.  

           I have lost 3 friends, a cousin and an aunt to cancer. My husband, my sil, and I all have it, so someday we will be where you are. I should be so lucky to be so graceful about it as you are. I know that each and everyone was at complete peace. Hospice was a great comfort to them and to the families, none of them were in pain. As death grew near, they were mostly sleeping all the time, with brief periods of conciousness. I had a conversation with my dear friend 3 days before she passed. She said she was sending me all my "bc bears" that I had sent her so they would give me some comfort  and that the pain meds were good, she was feeling sleepy and ready to meet her Lord. She had brain mets and was practically incoherent most days in the past months, but for a wk. before she passed she had a "clearing" of sorts and remembered everything. She was an amazing, strong woman of deep faith, such as you are. I think this way, that it is our faith that gets us through things, our strength, our dreams and hopes. I wish you peace from pain and a smooth transistion home.

    God Bless you and keep you always..

    Love, Peachy

Dear Regina:

I have not been to this thread for a long
time

but reading today

just wrap my arms around you
and envelope you with love
even though I have not met you

Thank you to all here who have
made such beautiful and meaningful
posts



Very sadly,



Sierra

Friendle,  We would be happy to include your mother in our prayers.  And you as well.  Good luck to you and your wonderful mother. 

Sending you peace, love and prayers!  Thinking of you, regina.

Hugs,

Beth (Aus)

regina,

 your faith,,will hold you up,,

i worked in hospice for years,and those who had a strong faith

just slipped away peacefully,,they will give you morphine as the

time goes on,,it will make you sleep alot, and help you with the

pain,and keep you comfortable, and let your family stay there in

prayer with you,,then you will be in Jesus arms,

may the Lord bring you much comfort, and guide you,,

hugs, and prayers,,lbmt

Regina and slonedeb and each and everyone contributing to this thread with encouragement: thank you.

Last week I found a short new thought that has brought me much comfort and support.

"Other people feel this." It's a suggested 'meditation' from Pema Chodron. Realizing that we are not alone, that other people feel these same feelings and emotions has been like watching a large life raft being inflated before my eyes.

Regina: you are not alone. Other people feel this. We're so glad that you've reached out by opening this thread. So many have benefitted by the shared knowledge and experience here.

slonedeb: i always have you in my prayers.... for strength, for courage, for understanding. blessings to you my friend.

dreamwriter/regina II,

write down quotations that have brought you comfort, books that have been insightful, recipes that are tasty........ start writing a book for those of us who will follow you.

teach us. show us the road.