Maybe I've been putting off the emotional impact of this or underestimating it, but the tamoxifen came in the mail today and I am losing it. LOSING IT.
I just sat down to read the little insert - should be no big deal, I've read everything I can here and off the boards. I know the complaints, SEs, etc. But after about a paragraph or two on the sheet with my name on it, my eyes teared up and then I had to stop. I'm hitting the grief wall all over again. I'm only 39, not married, not currently in a relationship, and feel like so many things are just done the minute I take the first pill. And I'm worried about putting back on weight I lost before diagnosis. And I'm worried about turning into a total b**** from lack of sleep and mood swings and being more alone than I am. And I can't stop crying.
and .... This Sucks. But you all know that. I'm thankful that you do and for this place to vent.
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SpunkyGirl Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 537 |
Aug 27, 2008 09:26 pm
SpunkyGirl wrote:
I am so sorry you are going through this, but at least the tamoxifen may not be as terrible as you think. Cancer is a terrifying journey for anyone, and my heart goes out to you as you face a lot of this by yourself. But remember, it's one day at a time! Really. I found I had the hardest time when I tried to think about the next six months, or the next year, so I started just thinking about how to get through the day until everything got better (and it does). I was just turning 40 at diagnosis, and I've been on Tamoxifen since last June. I'm small-framed, but I do exercise and watch what I eat. I've been through chemo and rads, and I was terrified about all the drugs I took and what they might do, but I wanted to live to. Well, here I am and I'm thankful for every day. Do whatever you can to be involved socially (i.e. church, walking, joining a gym, etc.), and try to stay as active as you can. We're a good support group here, and we can help! Bobbie "There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you." Third Day
Dx 7/23/2006, IDC, <1cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 8/20 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ |
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soonerfan Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 24 |
Aug 28, 2008 08:35 pm
soonerfan wrote:
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I was also angry about having to take Tamoxifen, especially after having chemo only for precaution. I put off taking it for about six weeks, and I remember telling people how I didn't want to take it. Most of them told me not to take it if I don't want to because it's my choice. I finally started taking it in July. One of my coworkers has diabetes and gives herself a shot three times a day. I feel for her, but it makes me not feel so sorry for myself for having to take one pill per day. We have a right to feel sorry for ourselves though, and to vent. I have certainly done plenty of that. |
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sta1129 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 22 |
Aug 28, 2008 09:31 pm
sta1129 wrote:
Thanks - today is a new day, and I just need to remember to take this day by day. I haven't melted down much, but last night was a bad moment. |
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trigeek Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 658 |
Aug 29, 2008 12:26 am
trigeek wrote:
I hear you very well sta. I do not have a problem with Tamoxifen and is actually helping my sleep ! I did not gain weight am not feeling any of the side effects. However sometimes I look at the prescription bottle of Tamoxifen with my name on it.. and then I think what I would have thought if I had seen that bottle last year before my diagnosis.. ohh what a shocker. The label of the medicine has more side effects than itself for me !!! Live Deliberately ! http://www.aylin-yeahright.blogspot.com/
Dx 8/3/2007, ILC, 2cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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juliesmiths… Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 12 |
Aug 30, 2008 10:55 am
juliesmithson wrote:
I was in your boat exactly. A single mother with no family around, and being told I would have to do chemo,radiation, herceptin, and tamoxifen. Because I was alone and afraid, I opted out of the chemo. I already have an autoimmune disorder and my ejection fraction was low. I started tamoxifen and herceptin at the same time. I was constantly preoccupied with thoughts of doom, which increased on treatment. A doctor friend of mine suggested an antidepressant, I thought this wouldn't help, because nothing would change my situation anyways, and I didn't want to gain weight on more medication. I am now taking prozac, and it has helped unbelievably!!!. I am still overyly focused on cancer, but I now see how precious life is and am able to enjoy the little things. I have not gained any weight, in fact I went from 126 to ll8 lbs. Please try an antidepressant, it has made life worth living again. I'm still not happy to be taking tamoxifen and herceptin, but life is good. I have had a lot of hair loss with herceptin, another reason to take prozac. juliesmithson
Dx 9/17/2007, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ |
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wishiwere Joined: Dec 2007 Posts: 3066 |
Aug 30, 2008 11:37 am
wishiwere wrote:
I'm so sorry you had a break down and have to do this alone, but we are here, if only in the cyber world to listen :( Offer a shoulder and prayer and do what we can :) Glad today is better, and hopefully each one will improve over the last for you. That said, everyone is different and I can say I've not had the weight gain, with the chemo and resulting chemopause, or the arimidex I'm now on. All were supposed to add weight. I think you just need to be sensible and stay active (exercise), and eat well to take care of you now. Some gain, some don't and some stay the same. I actually have had problems with staying up where I should be. Not sure why, other than my lack of interest in food and forgetting meals when I get busy, but I've always been that way and never lost weight like I have now. Maybe it's nerves too, who's to know. But be sensible with everything and BE kind to yourself. You can do this and be happy too! Take care dear! wishiwere
Dx 9/21/2007, ILC, 1cm, Stage Ib, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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homeagain Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 217 |
Aug 31, 2008 11:17 am
homeagain wrote:
Having 'meltdown moments' is to be expected and you are entitled to them at times. You have been through a LOT and the fears of what else might happen are like dark goblins in the corner. Were it not this? It would likely be some other 'thing' to get to you. So, just accept that aspect and work around it. My own circumstances preclude me from taking antidepressants, but, they can be worth a try to help get you and keep you on an even keel. The post surgery/chemo meds do alter a lot that is going on in our bodies [which is normally NORMAL?] and each of us reacts to the s/e's of those to many different degrees. Some more? Some less. Wishiwere and everyone has given you good advice - keep at it. I have faith that you can make it through all this! |
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koshka1 Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 228 |
Aug 31, 2008 01:42 pm
koshka1 wrote:
sta!! hugs to you....i am 39 as well! i know how you feel, i had a complete meltdown when i got my tamoxifin. had a complete meltdown when i took the first pill,,in fact got sooo stressed i almost choked it back up! anyway,,,my second pill was a success and i have been on it since may. i have not been bitchy, have only lost sleep for the first week or so but i think i was just anxious, i do have hot flashes but they are doable...and that is about it. i try to keep myself active doing lots of cardio and yoga to relax myself. so i have seen no weight gain. the way we have to look at this....we need to take this pill to prevent this "beast" (and that is putting it nicely), from ever coming back. do whatever you have to do there girlfriend!!! hugs!! kosh...... Dx 12/2007, IDC, <1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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sta1129 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 22 |
Sep 1, 2008 03:07 pm
sta1129 wrote:
Thanks to all! I am already on a mild anti-dep - my gp started me when I went to his office right after diagnosis. It has generally been very helpful - looking at the bottle the other day was just too much. I started the tamoxifen last night - thanks kosh. 1 pill down. I'll do it again tonight, and that'll be two. And, like everything else, remind myself that this is what I do to increase my chances of watching my nieces grow up. |
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Shirlann Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 6756 |
Sep 1, 2008 04:16 pm, edited Sep 1, 2008 04:17 PM
by Shirlann
Shirlann wrote:
Honey, you are experiencing what no one seems to want to tell us, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Most of us get throught the treatment by holding our breath, but eventually, usually after everything is over, we just lose it. I highly recommend getting your anti-dep dose raised, when you get your confidence in your traitorous body back, you can sloowly back off of them. This is just a horrible, scary, long and nightmarish experience, and doing it alone is off the chart of hard. Boy, did you have smart GP! Hang onto him. I can't tell you how much suffering, in my mind unnecessary suffering, could be helped. I know not everyone wants the help, but it should be routinely offered to anyone with a diagnosis of cancer, just my opinion. Oh, one more thing, Effexor, an anti-dep, was found by accident, for some reason, to help with menopausal symptoms. So that might be worth a try. Gentle hugs, Shirlann |
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lisettemac Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 150 |
Sep 2, 2008 02:02 pm
lisettemac wrote:
Hugs, Sta. I had my meltdown at the beginning of radiation. Honestly, I think that I just didn't reserve any emotional strength for it. I held strong through the surgery, the chemo, the herceptin, but I insisted I would. not. do. the. radiation. Of course, after said meltdown was over, my onc talked some sense in me and I got in line. It's okay to be angry, afraid, sad. It's part of the deal. I'm glad you're talking to your doc about it and getting some help. Best wishes. |
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zschweeb Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 153 |
Sep 3, 2008 03:19 pm
zschweeb wrote:
hello stacie its me again and no i am not stalking you (LOL) i started my tamoxifen on 8/22 and havent noticed much of a difference...what exactly are the s/e's we are supposed to be watching for ...my kids can tell you about the mood swings i have been screaming at them a little more than usual lately but school started today and i was doing the happy dance as the bus pulled away...my neighbors must think i am nuts as they were sorry to see the summer end i was just happy to get my house back...my energy level hasnt really changed i went bowling last night and had no problem finishing off all 3 games the last time i tried bowling i was finishing up chemo and i barely made it through 2 of 3 games and sometimes i couldnt even do that so it felt good last night when i was able to finish all 3 games and not be falling on my face....did you also do chemo? if so how are you faring now?? when i had my follow up with my onc after finishing rads it seemed very uneventful seeing as i had just finished all treatments (except the tamoxifen) i kept expecting something to happen (maybe a ticker tape parade) i kept asking where are the balloons and confetti...i asked so much my BFF got sick of hearing and finally got me balloons and confetti (she is the best)...how is it going for you Susan
Dx 11/27/2007, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 14/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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