Topic: Too hard on my son or is both of us?

Patti, you're not alone. Kendra's (Times3) son is 10, on meds for ADHD and had his first anxiety attack last week on the school bus. They had to take him to the er because his heart started racing and other symptoms. After all the test the doctor dx it as a anxiety attack. Then, yesterday his teacher wouldn't let him go to the bathroom and said something to him negatively and he had another one and the school counselor was able to talk him through it. Kendra is checking her insurance and the phone book to find a counselor who can help him deal with his mommy being sick alot and the fear of losing her. We don't know what else to do either. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I know how fragile the mind is at that age.  I pray for peace and wellness for you all.  Blessings, Glenda

Oh Patti,

I could have written those exact things a few years ago!!! My son is gifted and sweet too, and always did great in school until 5th grade.  He became just as you're describing and I felt terrible too!  Maybe part of it is the age thing ... and maybe hormones and peer pressure, etc.  Do his teachers and/or school counselor know about your situation?  If they know about the situation, hopefully they'll be able to better help him deal with things.  Your comment about him doing the bare minimum really hit home with me, and I sure wish I knew the answer!!!   I too feel like I'm the one failing miserably!  Obviously you're a great mom or this wouldn't bother you so much!  Try to cut yourself some slack and just hug him.  Tell him how much you love him, no matter what.  Keep reaching out to him and to the pediatrician, therapist, teachers, church, etc.  Is he involved in other activities or hobbies that he really enjoys and can really be successful at?  Does he have good friends?  Do you get a chance to have good one-on-one time with him?  

Hang in there!!! Good luck, and please let me know if you find anything that works!!  I'm still struggling and mine is almost 15 now!  

Honey, you are not a bad mother!!! repeat. Not bad. We have to take off our super-hero mommy/cancer fighting cape, and realize there are some things we can't fix with our little guys.

We started out the school year okay. The twins (just turned 9) in different classes. 2 weeks into school it started. My son Jimmy complained about headaches and tummy aches. Tears every day when I dropped him off. I just want to stay with you mom. I want you mom. He has been sleeping on the floor in my room almost every night. He has trouble falling asleep sometimes. He has been very emotional. Crying at every little thing.

Then he then told me the other night that he thinks he has a problem. I asked him what kind of problem? he didn't know but compared himself to an autistic child in the class.   I said he wasn't like this boy.

He has always been a little behind in reading. Well the rubber has hit the road in 3rd grade, and my boys are feeling it now. The reading delay has become obvious. The school is wonderful and we are reading every night. I digress (that could be a new post!)

I tried all of my 'mom' tricks in my bag. Talked to other moms. My DH was NO HELP. He thought 'yelling' at him to get over it was going to help? WTF???

I had anxiety as a child. Bad. Still do. It was so bad some mornings I would come to work in tears.I was ready to slip him a xanax in his morning cereal!!

I worked with the teacher and the school counselor. Both were sympathetic and 'tried' to help, but useless. When I met with the school counselor, she brought up the fact that Jimmy mentioned my cancer. I LOST it. I cried and cried. I could not stop. Was it me?? that was causing him to have issues with school? Is he afraid I am dying. Did he over hear something??

Well, Thank goodness I have a outside counselor I used to take my nephew to when he lived with us. My SIL brings her daughter there and my BFF brings her kids there. We call her the child whisperer.

I posted about it on my carepages website. People have been coming out of the woodwork telling me about their kids (boys usually) at this age that have anxiety issues. I was told that boys enter into the macho/man/ I am stronger/faster/smarter then everyone else. The ego at this age has become more aware and compare with others. Jimmy lacks confidence too.

So, (I know this is a novel)...turns out so far that it was a playground thing. A subtle bully type thing. I talked to the teachers (different class), they talked to the boys. The boys in question ended up playing with him one day.  Jimmy came home and said X is my friend now. My Jimmy isn't crying anymore, no headaches or tummy aches.

(sounds like a Seinfield episode...Jimmy isn't this..)

It isn't over. We are still seeing the counselor. DH is taking him this weekend because I will be out of town. Good experience for him. Honestly, we will stay with the counselor.

 I think eventually, should I get sicker or enter hospice, they will need her. All of them. DH too.

So, you are not alone, nor are you a bad mom. I think that my son will suffer anxiety all of his life. It is my job, while I can, to make sure he has the tools or good drugs (just kidding) to handle life.

hang in,

Janis

Janis,

I'm so glad things are resolving with your Jimmy.  I agree with your comment about 3rd grade being a year of change for boys.  My DS's 3rd grade sucked.  It was an awful year for him.

Pre BC, my daughter basically had a melt down as a senior in highschool. I think that growing up is just harder  now than it was when we were young.In fact many of my daughter's girl friends, in their early 20s now, are just drifting, having melted down in highschool just like my daughter.

My point is that I KNOW I did a lot of things wrong. In bad times I am sure that my poor decisions, bad judgement and unfortunate timing heaped the stress on her. When I'm feeling more charitable to myself, I know that I did the best I could.  I can only imagine how rough it is to be raising young children while fighting this horrid disease. But still I worry about my daughter who is a young adult now. Give yourself a break Patti. Take the great advice of others on this post regarding using the schools resources and private resources if you can and must. But save the blame for this awful situation for bad luck, a convergence of wild planets, or an unknown plan of the Almighty. Your best is all you can offer. And it WILL be enough. -- hugs, donna

it is hard enough for kids to start hitting puberty let alone to hit that stage with a mom having cancer.  I'm with others that mentioned counselling.  I had two of my four in counseling at different points in their life.  My husband died when my children were younger.  His death was at the same time as my breast cancer and that really took a tool on my children.  My two older ones ended up in counselling at different times and did really well.  I think the best part was they understood no matter what they told the counselor, that they would not tell me what was said.  They really vented to this person and helped them work through some of those feelings they were having and life goes on.  Those two kids are doing wonderful today, one is going to school for her masters degree and the other one is in the military.  So I would help him find an outlet that he feels safe with.  For the record, you are NOT a bad mom!  A bad mom would not have picked up on the fact that there was a problem!

Good luck, just listen to your son about this guy.  I had to go through a couple of counselors before I found one my son liked enough to work with.  No point in wasting money!  I hope this does the trick for you son though! 

I just had another thought though, do you have an organizations that have activities for children whose parents have cancer?  Sometimes those help also!

When my cancer came back I did a lot of things to prepare my family in case I can't be here more than a few years and one was to interview counselors for my daughter. (another was to clean out cupboards but that has to be another thread about dumb things I do)

  I decided which one was the least odd and had common sense and could work with small children and adolescents and hired her.  I have only taken my kiddo two times so far but will continue to go 1-2 times per month and she will let me know if she feels my daughter needs to come more often especially if I get sicker. 

I know my husband will take care of her and love her but she is a girl and needs someone to help her point out to dad what she needs. As we all know, men can be clueless! 

I know it may not ease all her troubles but it makes me feel like I am doing something and some days that is what I need to know...     Kelly