Topic: Has cancer made me crazy?

Posted on: Jul 25, 2007 06:46 am

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 4

willsnana wrote:

I am a 55 year old one year survivor of Stage I IDC. I had a lumpectomy,my nodes were negative and I had 33 days of radiation. I took Arimidex for 9 months but had to stop because of bone and joint pain and fatigue. I already had osteoarthritis and it made it worse for me. I elected not to take anymore AI since my doctor gave my cancer a 10% chance of recurrence. Now after being off for two months, I still have the joint pain but in more joints (hips and fingers). The oncologist ordered another bone scan and liver ct because of the pain and one of my blood chemistry enzymes is continuing to elevate. She wanted to make sure there was no metastesis. So far everything has come back clean. But I found myself wanting the cancer to have come back. I was disappointed that I was still cancer free!!!!! That way, I wouldn't have to live with the fear of it returning. I am tired of waging this war. I am tired of being tired, of being fearful. Am I nutts?

Posts 1 - 12 (12 total)
SheriH Danville, KY Joined: Sep 2005 Posts: 2,168	Log in to post a reply Jul 25, 2007 06:51 am SheriH wrote: You just tapped into my own "little secret". I have felt that way, too. Just tell me it's come back so I can quit worrying that it will, especially when it seems like the drs just keep testing me over and over again. It's almost like they are surprised it hasn't come back yet either. I don't think you are nuts. This whole cancer thing is such a life changing experience. Learning to live with the fear is something many of us are still dealing with. I am not an expert, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.
gage Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 134	Log in to post a reply Jul 25, 2007 07:37 am gage wrote: I am just beginning to understand how you feel. I am three weeks post lumpectomy and still have radiation to go through. Luckily, I do not have to have chemo. But, after getting past the lumpectomy and seeing the oncologist and getting the script for arimidex, the thoughts of recurrence, etc., seem to be all around. I am not at all sure I will start to take arimidex because of all the problems with joint pain, etc. I just know I will get joint pain because several years ago I had a lot of problems with hip and knee pain which lasted for a year or two and then inexplicably went away. I am starting to think that my tumor might have started growing then and all the estrogen in my body was going to feed that tumor and the rest of my body suffered because of it. Call me crazy but....I am thinking about that possiblity.
gage Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 134	Log in to post a reply Jul 25, 2007 07:40 am gage wrote: Just to add to my previous post, my breast MRI showed no other lesions so I am thinking my body has adjusted to the postmenopausal reduced estrogen and is just fine now and the body doesnt need arimidex to help it. Hope I am right about that. HOpe I dont sound too crazy to you all but as many have said here, it is mostly a crap shoot in a lot of instances.
willsnana Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 4	Log in to post a reply Jul 25, 2007 11:14 am willsnana wrote: Sheri, Thanks for sharing that I am not the only one. I feel guilty for feeling this way when there are thousands of BC patients fighting with every ounce of energy they have to beat this thing. And here I am whining about it. But still the fears and feelings are real. I just want it to go away. I want myself back.
cheri123 MO Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,723	Log in to post a reply Jul 25, 2007 12:13 pm cheri123 wrote: You asked if you were nuts? Of course you are. Cancer changes our whole lives, we're all nuts just maybe in different ways. I imagine there are so many who can identify with you, I know I can. If they would be really honest with themselves that thought of wishing it would just come back and get the fear over with, has at least crossed their mind. Fleetilng thought is what mine is. I really don't want it to come back. I had a lumpectomy, too, then fouond these boards after tx and it made me wonder if it was wise to have had the lumpectomy or went ahead with a bi-lat. I made the right choice, if ain't broke don't fix it. I do hope you get a grip on your feelings---as I hope we all do. lol No, I don't think I'll ever be sane again. pals cheri
2up Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,431	Log in to post a reply Jul 26, 2007 07:07 pm 2up wrote: i couldn't resist! i was borderline nutso before cancer ........... now i'm just certifiable!!!! don't beat yourself up about your emotions and what not, .......... being dx'd with cancer dose strange (er) things to our minds! i have rib mets, and lately (since returning to work) i'm ridiculously exhausted and 'vague' ......... i decided a few days ago that i'd diagnose myself with brain mets ........ because i'm scatter brained and 'less than efficient' lately! ............. it made me feel better about my inadequacies to blame it on cancer, than to accept that i'm no longer 'super woman'!!!!!! it's really hard to accept that i'm not invincible anymore, so 'm just gonna blame cancer for everything lol!
WendyK Joined: Dec 2004 Posts: 687	Log in to post a reply Aug 3, 2007 04:47 pm WendyK wrote: I read in a book that may women have admitted feeling like you do. I don't think you're crazy..just tired of feeling the worry. Wendy
myrenewal Joined: Mar 2007 Posts: 242	Log in to post a reply Aug 3, 2007 05:08 pm myrenewal wrote: Willsnana - I don't think you are nuts. We are all fearful of the future and tired of waging this batter. Perhaps you are feeling this way because, as you near the end of treatment (no longer taking Aridimex), you feel you are losing your support system of the doctors and nurses. Many patients feel somewhat adrift when they no longer have to schedule their lives around medical concerns. You could speak with a social worker or psychologist who specializes in oncology to help you with the transition. Good luck and be well.
willsnana Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 4	Log in to post a reply Aug 6, 2007 09:21 am willsnana wrote: I appreciate all of the encouragement from everyone. I think you hit the nail on the head!!! For what seems like a very long time, I was scheduling my life around surgery, radiation treatments, doctor's checkups, etc. and I was looking at it as one more step that I had to complete. I don't think I have truly dealt with the fact that I had cancer! It felt as if it was one of our patients at the clinic where I work. Now that everything is virtually done, I am looking around and asking what next. I think I probably need to find a local support group.
choca1711 Palm Harbor, FL Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 192	Log in to post a reply Aug 6, 2007 05:08 pm choca1711 wrote: Willsnana, cancer makes us all crazy. The feelings and thoughts you have are perfectly "normal" in a crazy sort of way. I have had them too. The constant worrying and frequent check-ups and waiting for results is enough to drive the sanest of people crazy- and I wasn't that sane to begin with ! Hang in there girl, it does get better with time.
rumoret Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 731	Log in to post a reply Aug 7, 2007 12:55 pm rumoret wrote: I remember after 9/11 thinking about what the next tragedy would be. Then my niece was in a near fatal car accident in 2004 and then I got dx with breast cancer April 2006. The other shoe did fall.......and it was mine. Even though my mother had breast cancer in 1999.....she did not get hers until 69 years old....I got mine at 49 years old. Today normal is getting up and taking a Ativan and praying that my hips and back will not ache so much. These aches were with me before breast cancer and now that I am menopausal and take Tomoxifen....there are days that require pain medication.....just in order for me to have a smile to share with my family. When I am in pain.....it shows all over my face. I also have trouble making longterm plans....taking pictures because it becomes part of history in a instant. I then look at the photos and tears come to my eyes. I know many of you have little children and I am sure you have similiar feelings. I allow myself a small amount of time to cry and then I try to get on with living...taking nothing for granted.....and trying my hardest to not worry about the next shoe that my fall. Love You All, Terry
RobinTN Crossville, TN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1,486	Log in to post a reply Aug 7, 2007 01:14 pm RobinTN wrote: Honey if you are nuts then we all are.I know exactly where you are coming from.It is hard to live each day with this cloud hanging over our heads.But we must find a way to go on.I know i am not the person at all that i was before this.But I have to find the new me somehow and learn to like me again.Its going to take some getting used to. Hang in there,each day is a new beginning.

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