Topic: Feel totally abandoned by husband-Why?

I am so so sorry he isnt sympathatic to you. I wonder how he would feel if he had the cancer instead of you. Would he cope as you have or would he whine the day long?

Wishing you smiles. A Big Hug to you!

Dibel..

I'm so sorry. I can only say that it agitates many of the male species because it's something they can't fix. Males are "fix-it" people and feel extremely helpless and frustrated if they can't fix something..even the most deep and sensitive of the species.

It doesn't really help, I know. And women tend to try to "deal" with things. It has also been noted (by me!) that those of the male species don't "get" psychology/counseling/dealing with issues with a professional and again..I believe it's for the same reason. Though we understand that talking things out helps heal emotional issues, it's not a physical, I-Can-See, the wound healing type thing, so they often, because they don't understand it, also claim it's nonsense.

I guess it means that we need to guide and teach our male partners what it is that will help us and what they can do to achieve it. It's not easy and sometimes it doesn't work. It's good that you've found another outlet for dealing with your issues. And I do believe that even though men may get tired of hearing about the cancer and all that surrounds that, it's mostly because they are so worried and care more than we often realize.

Be well and hang in there.

Dibel,

Men's brains are different than women's brains, I think. Men's conversations are about problem solving. And women's converstaions are about how they feel. Women can talk and talk and talk to each other about how they feel, and that is all they want. If I talk to my DH about how I feel, then he will try to fix it for me. I do not want him to fix it for me. I just want him to acknowledge how I am feeling. I used to let things run off my back with my DH. But not anymore. What I would do probably is to try to continue the conversation and not let him dismiss you like he did. Tell him that he is dismissing you and it makes you upset. I don't think that anybody likes to be dismissed. This could be tough. Too bad he won't go to some form of counselling. This is so hard on a family. And this disease is so hard on a relationship.

My DH"s mother had BC for 30 years and he was 14 when she was diagnosed. Then 5 years after she died, then his wife gets it. It was his worst nightmare coming true. Talk about baggage. OMG. My next surgery is on July 10th and it will be my 4th surgery  in less that a year. It can take it's toll on a relationship. I am more of a confrontational person though and my family that I grew up in was that way, and I learned to talk things out, yell, cry, get over it, then hug each other and tell the other person that you love them. My DH's family never talked about anything, not a thing. Had to be careful that they didn't upset the Mother. She wanted to talk about things, it was her husband that was the emotional cripple and did not let anybody talk about BC. Boy, what a screwed up family. I try and not be too hard on my DH, because when he reacts to me during this time, he is reacting like he is that 14 year old boy again and I can see the stress that he is under. But we are all under a lot of stress. It is tough, that is for sure. Hang in there. Ask him to go to counselling with you. I eventually told my DH to please go to counselling with me, because if you don't then we do not stand a chance and I will have to leave you because I am not going to live in this type of marriage any longer, life is too short. And he agreed. And I absolutely would have left if he had of said No. It helped for sure. He still needs some work and he knows it, but don't we all. I hope that things get better for you. Let me know how it goes.

Take Care,

Kerry

Gosh Dibel - I feel for you! What ever happened to "in sickness and in health....." ?? Even though generalizations about men can help you understand the WHY of your husband's poor behavior, it doesn't help you CHANGE his behavior. I learned many years ago, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. So go to therapy alone and see if there's any advice you can get about how you can find support and happiness without your husband. Sometimes I think women as a group expect their husbands to be like their best girl-friends, when in fact they simply can't function that way. Still rudeness is rudeness - and if your husband treats you with such disrespect, you owe it to yourself to take the "kick-me" sign off your back, and pin it to HIS!  

All that I want at the times when I am upset (expecially crying) is for the Man to put his arms around me and say "It's going to be O.K. Don't worry. Everything will be all right. It will be O.K." Just like my Mom used to when I was a kid and I had fallen down and skinned my knee.

Kerry

You are not alone. My husband said some very cruel things to me while I was going through treatment. I'm so sorry. Just know that you are not alone and it does happen as unbelievable as it is..

Hi ladies,

I've never been on this site but I was reading the above and I have the same feelings about my husband.  I am having bilateral mastectomies next week with reconstruction and when we went to the surgeon and the plastic surgeons, the things he said were hurtful and I don't think he meant it that way or even realized what he said but it stays in the back of my mind.  My family wants to come and stay to help with my recovery but I'm so embarassed about what I will look like - any advise?

Hello lionessdoe,

Just know I will be a partner in praying for the healing of your relationship.

This illness by itself is more than enough without anything else--seems only "us" going through it can only know this??!!

Take care of you 1st!!!

Linda C

Hi Ladies,

Ravdeb,

How true what you say about your DH. Mine did the same thing. They can deal with the task at hand but when emotions come in then some men need to hide and take cover.

Dink,

Please don't be embarassed about what you will look like after your surgery. Your family loves you. What type of reconstruction are you having? Check out www.breastreconstruction.org. I had bilat mast with tissue expanders and have had the implant exchange surgery just last Friday. So I am still covered up. Go on Tuesday for the unveiling. PM me if you have any questions.

Doe,

I will also pray for your relationship. Hang in there.

Cheryl,

Interesting what you say. I was the one with BC, but now I am the one who wants to have fun and my DH is like you. I would rather be at the beach, or go out to see friends , or go on a trip than do work around the house. I know that you need to have a good balance, but I just feel like this is my second change and I am not going to waste it. I just enjoy the moment, and on a beautiful sunny day driving to work in my car and the radio is on and the wind is blowing in my hair I am so happy to be alive. What a mixed bag of emotions go along with this disease. Maybe I am trying to get some control of my life and relish the more carefree days when me and the DH were younger and before the 8 year old DD and before BC. Cause the last 2 years ain't been pretty. I just want to be healthy and happy. It takes time.

Kerry

hi there, i understand exactly how you feel, i had to deal with similiar behavouir, my husband was ok at first. i had two ops one lumpectomy and then mastectomy. he was very understanding for first one, but has time went on it got more difficult. he helped at home when i came out after first op. but had slacked off by second op,.

it was as though i was a nuisance, the problem is i dont think they understand why they behave this way either, i had a lot of nausea after 1st chemo, and he was so unsympathetic, and it made me very tearful and alone. so i discussed it with him. and explained i needed lots of tlcare.

and rather than people have to keep coming to me while he went about his usual activities, work gym swimming etc. i was going to stay with my sister and family during each recovery period.

he was in a bit of a nark at first because he felt he was being supportive, but he now accepts what i chose to do, i normally return when i feel a little better a few days after chemo.

its not an ideal situation, but it works for me and thats what matters

sometimes we just have to find the support where we can. i hope you find it soon  take care of yourself.

Thanks everydaymatters for your input.  Sounds like you have great support.  I am glad to hear that!!  Some days are better for me than others-hormones of course.  I wish my family would reach out more to help out but they don't.  My dad lives too far away and my sister is always busy-she has a five year old that consumes her daily activities.  They all look at me like i will never need anybody-the strong one in the family.  So i also have joined a support group-once a month we meet.  I think it has helped to be around people that know first hand the toll cancer takes on a persons life.  When it comes to discussing my relationship with my husband-the group usually offers comments like-be sure to thank him daily for all he does and he must really love you to stay around during this hardship.  I have a hard time believing in this when i feel so alone.  As far as me constantly thanking him-that is hard to do when all I can wonder is why he he being so difficult about my condition.  When we recently when to relay for life-i am on a team to raise money for cancer-he asked me why did he have to go.  i was so hurt!!!!  I explained to him that it should be one of our priorities-that i still am fighting for my life.  He thinks i am too dramatic-i should just let it go and move on-this midset is very upsetting.  I know i can't change him-i just have to accept his faults-i learned this from therapy.  But i wonder what am i doing with someone whom i can't get to understand my basic feelings.  Will it ever get better ??  kimmyh

hi

i would just like you to know your not alone. I too have just been diagnosed with breast cancer as well as this i have a massive fibroid in my stomach which is going to cause complications for reconstruction so i am going to have mastectomy and hysterectomy at the samr time followed by radiotherapy then reconstruction. i have an 11 year old daughter and husband. my husband now completely ignores anything i have to say will not engage in conversation and has took to working away leaving me to manage alone. this however has made me more determined to put up a fight and get through this even if it is alone. all i can say is keep your chin up and i know how you feel take care.

MEN wonder how they would feel if it was them? MY hubby gave me hell earlier this yr...so bad everyone told me to go..but where? dont know what happen , but he has come around and is kinda nice now, doesnt talk about my BC but when  I go to the Onc's he comes and last time said to me "would u like me to come in with u" I was shocked and said it would b ok...

but even him asking was great ...

I think they are soooooooooooo scared that they will loose us so then shut us out ..

thinking of u...

hugs

oz

Hi kimmyh,

First, I would like to offer my condolence on the loss of your mother.    

I understand and feel for what your going through.

I remember the day I was 1st diagnosed. I told my husband, and we both sat on the couch side by side in the family room completely silelnt. I was in shock, and honestly just wanted him to give me a hug and some kind of reassurance that everything would be O.K.  However, it didn't work that way. He said to me," I can't deal with this right now; I am tired and going to bed." And that's what he did. He got up from the couch, went to bed and left me sitting by myself to deal with my diagnosis. Here was the man I had shared the past 9 years of my life with and all he could do was walk away? I had never felt so alone in all of my life.

That was back on January 29th, of this year. Six months before that, my dad was diagnosed with CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia.) Things were very rough the first few months as we both were learning to deal with the news of my diagnosis, and get ready for my lumpectomy. All the while, I was still trying to cope with my dad's diagnosis and him going through chemo.  However very slowly, things between my husband and I started to get a little better.

Now, in the beginning  for my husband, taking care of me meant to him, taking me to my appointments, and running my errands especially after my lumpectomy, and during radiation. Don't get me wrong I appreciated all of this. However what irritated me was that he NEVER wanted to talk about my feelings, or his feelings on the matter. He always seemed to be in perpetual motion, and have some excuse as to why he could not listen to how I felt about everything that was happening to me. Especially after surgery and in the beginning of radiation, the way he dealt with both of our feelings on the matter seemed to be nothing more than a bother to him. Never the less, his attitude towards my breast cancer began to take its toll on me mentally and physically. I began to feel extremely frustrated. And yes, there were more than several occasions I felt like packing up and leaving.   

However, the good news is that after many conversations (sometimes forced by me just to get him to open up whether he wanted to or not), and through counseling both individually and as a couple, my husband has learned to open up, and start showing me more feeling,care, and genuine interest concerning my health and well-being. 

I have a theory on the cause of why there was such a lack of wilingness on my husband's part to communicate with me on this subject and here it is:

1. Men in general have a hard time showing emotion and often equate showing emotions like fear, sadness or crying as a weakness. Alot of times when they feel these things, they don't know what to do, and therefore, "clam up" and not say much of anything.  My husband did it with my breast cancer diagnosis.I also saw my own dad do it when he was diagnosed with CLL. After my dad had his bone marrow, he went out and mowed his lawn which was a complete no-no! It's almost like, " what are you trying to prove?   

2. As one of the posters mentioned earlier, men like to be able to "fix things", and when they can't they don't know what to do. My husband couldn't fix my breast cancer, like he would say fix the dishwasher, or his car.  Because he could not "fix" my breast cancer, he got frustrated, and became impatient with me and/or himself, and shut down his feelings.  

3. Men in general aren't the best caretakers. When I say this what I mean is that most men were not raised to focus their emotions on the loving,caring, and nurturing side of their being. Therefore, it's more difficult for them to show or "express" emotions revolving around these types of feelings. I think that with most women it's kind of innate. However with men, not so much. 

Along with my husband shutting down verbally, this part was the hardest for me. Again, I appreciated him running errands and taking me to my appointments. However there were many times I would have rather had a hug or kiss, especially when I was feeling really low over my diagnosis, and during radiation.  

Our relationship has changed since the day of my diagnosis, and I am still not out of the woods with my health and treatment as I am getting ready to go back on Tamoxifen now that radiation is done.  However, I believe that since my diagnosis on Januray 29th, we have both learned a lot  along the way on how to communicate better with eachother. As long as we can continue to talk to one another, respect eachothers' feelings, and my husband continues to show genuine love and care towards me and my health situation ( this means hugs and kisses, not just running errands), I think and hope will be O.K. But more importantly, be able to get through this together.     

So kimmyh, don't give up on your relationship; there is hope. Things will get better. your going through a lot right now. Between your mom passing, and your dad recently being diagnosed, not to mention your own health, your under a lot of stress. 

I know it might not seem like it now, but things WILL GET BETTER. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Take care. : )   

Dear Ladies - I can empathise with all of this.  I am so sorry I had the lumpectomy and sentinal node removal less than three weeks ago. Doctor said would die in about a year with it. If I had know how horrible this was going to turn out I would not have had it.  I have never felt so alone and sad and totally uncared for and unloved.  He reckons - but I had the op - I'm better. I'm not - I'm tired - I don't eat because I'm very despressed all this.  I have decided not to continue any further treatment - just don't see the point anymore. I personally don't believe all this talk about how scared they are etc etc ... I think that we are cramping their style and rocking the boat and they generally don't like that.  I am not even allowed a day in bed with a cold - how dare I get cancer.  Oh but I don't have it anymore though - remember I had the op.  This is not tonsillitis that you remove the tonsils and life goes on.  He has no idea of what the diagnosis means and couldn't care less about learning about it.  More interested in himself, his motorbike and his beer.  He shouts and yells and the verbal abuse is difficult to take when one is healthy - I find it hard to let it be water off a duck's back.  I do not think that any of us deserve to be treated badly at any time - never mind now.  I don't think it can come right.  Someone said on this thread that she can't get over her resentment of how badly her H treated her during her cancer journey.  How very sad.  So even when you are better nothing changes.