Topic: Husband's Reaction

Sorry to hear your diagnosis. What you really needed at that time was a loving hug and reassurance from your husband that he would be with you as you face this disease.

I know one of the toughest parts of my diagnosis was the time leading up to the diagnosis with the ultrasound and biopsy. You had a lot on your mind and it is understandable that you could forget something very important to you.

When I read your post my first question was why didn't your husband offer the invitation to his mother? Perhaps he is really angry at the cancer and is misdirecting his anger at you. If this is not the case, then he is acting like a Class A jerk and he should be ashamed of himself.

I fail to see the importance of his mother being alone for 30 years. I truly believe your mind was being overwhelmed by everything prior to the diagnosis. As soon as I found my lump, I started to imagine all these scenarios of mastectomies and chemo before I even had the visit to the doctor.

I hope both your husband and mother-in-law come around soon and give you the support you need.

Hugs,

Beth 

Zorksmom I think he is just scared.............have you been having problems?...............the only advice I can offer is first of all this is so about you..........not your husband, mil, or kids this is about you............you need to take someone with you tomorrow to take notes.......not sure how old your kids are but if you have a daughter that is older I would take her.........if not a sister or friend.......not going to really recommend your husband at this point.........he will probably say something stupid at the doctor's (no offense)..........for some reason I let me ex go with me and my older daughter......it was the only time he ever went with me..........for anything.............we had been married just shy of 30 years when we divorced and  a couple of months later found my lump..........I am sure you are probably still up..........be sure that you take a notepad and pen with you tomorrow........the only other thing I would recommend is don't spend hours and hours on the Internet..........there is a lot of outdated info on the Internet.......listen to your dx...........you will start treatment soon and it will believe it or not make you feel better..........Shokk

I don't want to give you a hard time about your reaction -- BUT 

you've been married to this man for 30 years! 

It sounds like Mom has been pulling his strings longer than that.  Is this really any different from the way he's supported you during stressful times in the past?

I'm gonna guess that he's acting consistently with how he's acted before - and you've lived with it for 30 years. Men are notoriously hard to change! Don't expect him to be a bit different because you have cancer, in fact, he's likely to become even more like himself.

Otherwise is he a decent husband? Does he go to work everyday? Is he faithful?  If the answer to those things is no and you aren't tied to him economically then maybe you want to be out of there. If the answer is yes and you think it's worth hanging around then probably you should resign yourself to your husband being about the same as he's always been.

I'd add - that going to a support group sounds like an excellent idea given that your husband is the way he is. 

Wow!

Did he hear anything that you said?  I'm sorry, this makes me very angry.  You need someone supportive and someone that is going to listen to you and be there for you.  At this point your mother-in-law does not matter, you do!  I could say more but I am going to bite my tongue.....take care and I will be thinking about you! 

zorksmom sorry you are having to put up with this i know how you feel i had a motherin law just like yours but your husband needs to quit acting like a baby and i would tell him not to let the kids keep hm there  and not tolet the door hit him in the ass as he was leaving sorry about this but you ned support and love right now not a big baby to take care and humor his feelings i know you love him but you have a lot to deal with right now ive been married 34 years but zorksmom put your faith in god and he will be there for you and will help you through this without god i would be nothing he is my main friend and doctor in this fight i have liver and bone mets and i am i really bad shape but god is there for me  so sister know you are loved here on these boards and we will help in any way we can  deb from ky  god bless

Wow!  What a jerk!  Whether men are men and have their 'ways' of dealing with the news, it was WRONG on SO many levels.  FIrst, he never even acknowledge your news. Second, he was more concerned over an invitation that you thought you'd given and had discussed and thought you'd cleared up that morning and third?  Did dmil KNOW what was going and that you were getting the news or HAD gotten the news today?  Whether she did OR not, perhaps she NEEDS to know HOW her son reacted to your situation and how her 'whining' put the last straw on the camels back!  Man.....  That would have been MY response to him....SWEETHEART?  Please, don't let the door hit your Arse on the way out!  WOW!  WHAT a Jack@ss!

Please know, he was wrong and you are going to make it through this!  We are here and willing and able to extend all the emotional support that box of rocks can't!

BTW....How old are you children?  I hope you don't include this idiot when explaining things to them, b/c I fear it will be disasterous! :(  Poor lady...You have my heart felt {{{Hugs}}} and prayers! :D

Some people do handle things better than others and it sounds like your husband is one of a kind. Some men are all into image and sex but lack a deeper emotional attachment and the empathy that helps make up a good marriage. I would have been as distraught as you if my husband had reacted that way because you need support during this trying time. I have heard of people getting divorced due to breast cancer issues...not saying that this will happen to you but it may be better than living with a man that doesn't care. Who needs someone like that in their lives? This time should be all about you and not about some demanding bozo with issues.

That his mother was alone for 30 years is so out of left field that I wonder if he's blamed himself for her being alone (and, of course, blamed you as his wife of 30 years), and perhaps now he's blaming himself for your cancer.  If so, it's a lot easier to get angry at you then to admit his own feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  My view is that you shouldn't discuss with him what we've said here, that it's between him and you.  It's not whether we all agree he should apologize, it's whether you think he should apologize.  What's an apology to a person dealing with cancer, even if he thinks he's right.  You must be positive for yourself; I'd let him come around in his own time, assuming you still love him.  If not, perhaps you should think about distancing yourself from him until you're feeling better.  You need those who care mightly around you at this time. 

My husband, thousands of miles from his home, is rather careless of taking care of family obligations.  I adore his mother but I don't think it's my part to keep the relationship going.  I leave it up to him.  Your husband should invite his mother if he thinks she should be invited.  Women are too quick to take over their husband's obligations--I think! 

I left my husband 15 years ago. I've had no contact with him since then.  When I was diagnosed last October I thought briefly about how he would have reacted to such news if we were still  together.  I'm afraid his reaction would have been very similar to your husband's.  Those who are self-absorbed don't think about anyone else but themselves.  I don't know what your situation is or the state of your marriage, I would only say that this is a time that you need to put yourself first. I wish you the best and encourage you to get in touch with those who you know will help and support you.

oops - one more thing. He has been very helpful throughout this but zero emotional support; no conversations allowed about fear or the future, or tears - tears are not allowed. He's actually told me he's afraid to be alone with me - I will "talk" to him and he doesn't want to hear it! And another thing - this will cause some reaction - I truly believe that my cancer was caused by the stress of living with a rigid, unyielding and often depressed invidiual. Life with him is so hard that I get excited when he is gone for a day sometimes. So we all know what I am going to do; it's not a hard decision once you realize you're happier alone than with another person; the fear is being alone, and now I seek it, yearn for it, do all kinds of nutty things to find myself alone. But he has been helpful; but I could have hired a nurse for the help he's given me; nothing more.

I just wanted to tell you that I was with one of these men for 25 years....Thought all that time that it was me. Divorced and remarried a wonderful man 5 years before the big C. Let me tell you, he is the most loving man in the world.

He went to every Dr app with me and even went back and heard what I heard at the same time. No second hand news. He also took off every treatment, took care of the home, cooked , cleaned and did all the laundry. My man was a saint! I bought him a Quad cab truck for being so wonderful.

If I had still been with my EX, OMG I don't think I could have made it.

Life alone is wonderful as soon as all the garbage is over. I really enjoyed myself for 2 years doing what I wanted, when I wanted.

Two words for that husband: PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM

I am sorry you are having to deal with this on top of cancer. It just isn't fair. 

Sounds like he should live with his mother.  You don't need this man treating you this way.  Ask him to go for help, if he won't dump his butt.  I am sure he needs you more than you need him and I don't even know the issues with anything else.  My husband was with me every minute and if he ha not of been, I would rather be alone than deal with jerks like your husband.  I agree you should take some time for all this to settle in and not make hasty decisions but completely avoid trying to take care of him in any way.  This journey is all about you and only you.....

Best of luck,

Robin 

Whoa............hold on a minute...............Zork's mom............if your husband is a good father and the primary care taker of the kids and the children are still young then I personally feel that over rides the marriage............I knew that you are going through the worse experience of your life but we all need to understand that the children lives are the most important thing of anything else that is happening...............this is also the worse thing for your children.............they don't have the maturity to understand what is happening and you really need to keep there lives as stable as possible for the time being............and believe me radiation is not going to be easy...........you are going to be exhausted........radiation fatigue is the worse...........and on top of it you are working full time..........you are going to need your husband to take care of the kids.......do you want to put them in daycare on top of everything else when they need a parent the most?.........just remember you not getting emotional support from your spouse sucks........big time........but you have been living with it for a long time..........if you think well maybe my husband will finally step up to the plate and be a human being toward me and our marriage then Zork's mom you are going to be disappointed...........I know I was with my ex.............but remember also that your relationship with your husband is not the same as his relationship to your children........it is completely different............if your children love their dad and he is a good father don't take that away from them........they need him............jmo..........Shokk

Mother in law needs to get a different aspect.  Hubby needs to let go of the apron strings and make his immediate family a priority.  Family needs to pull together during this difficult time.