Topic: I feel so guilty
Log in to post a replyJoined: Jul 2008
Posts: 18
- Posted on: Aug 4, 2008 06:45 pm
I know it's not in any real sense my fault that I have cancer. But I just met my husband a little over a year ago. We had a mad whirlwind romance, found a fairytale love I never knew existed and were engaged by October. We got married at the end of April. Happy new life, right? And then less than two months into our marriage, I find the damn lumps. First one, then, after my horrified poking around, another. What with scheduling and some other things the dx didn't come until 7/10.... and now i feel like I've pulled some bait and switch on this man, this wonderful man that is my blood, my breath. I've taken a happy, healthy, vivacious, even (to him) sexy woman and replaced her with a scared sad sick woman who is about to be horribly scarred and dreadfully ill for a while... and then? I'll never be as sexy as I used to be. I feel like i've seduced him under false pretenses or something, even though I had no idea this was coming. I feel like I've betrayed him. I feel so miserable.
And he is so good and kind and gentle. And so afraid he won't have the strength I need him to have. The only strenght I need him to have is the strength to keep loving me. I'm okay if he needs to cry and be held sometimes too. In fact, in a way, I need that too.
Nothing about this whole thing scares me more than the idea that we - as a couple - will be damaged by this.
Dx 7/10/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, ER-/PR-, HER2+
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sbmolee Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 670 |
Aug 5, 2008 08:28 pm
sbmolee wrote:
So sorry you are feeling this way. Have you discussed this with him? Don't under estimate the bonding that can occur in the face of adversity. I woudl bet he is fearful of loosing you to the dreaded disease. You could have never know what the future would bring. Best of luck. Live life to the fullest - it is not a spectator sport.
Dx 3/27/2008, DCIS, 2cm, Stage Ia, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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Wintermoon6… Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 103 |
Aug 6, 2008 12:47 pm
Wintermoon623 wrote:
justkat: I started dating my current boyfriend AFTER diagnosis. We'd been friends for almost three years, but he was married when we first met and we were just work friends...absolutely NOTHING ELSE. He was divorced by the time I got diagnosed and he was the first person I told outside of immediate family. We became romantically involved after my first surgery and it's been going strong ever since. I too sometimes feel guilty that he is getting me in a damaged state, I was full of energy and vitality before diagnosis and now I'm always tired. He has also seen me sick, bald, no eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. I also sometimes get frightened when he talks about the future because of fear of recurrence I sometimes think, "what if I'm not here." I am going into counseling to help me get a grip on this fear of recurrence thing. I can only say this to you...you really only have today...and if you are happy today, then it's really all any of us can ask for. Clearly this man loves you as my boyfriend loves me...we really need to just trust them, I think. Dx 10/25/2007, IDC, 3cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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roseg Joined: Sep 2004 Posts: 7857 |
Aug 6, 2008 01:12 pm, edited Aug 6, 2008 01:17 PM
by roseg
roseg wrote:
I can imagine how you feel. Think to yourself - if he's had a stroke or a motorcycle accident and was confined to a wheelchair - would you be thinking you'd made a mistake marrying him two months ago? Would he be feeling guilty? In all honesty, you might have doubts, and maybe he'd be feeling guilty. But what if you'd been married to him for 20 years? Would you feel the same? Maybe, maybe not. I think you have to accept that this development might not be the most wonderful thing to have happened to a new marriage, but there isn't much you can do about it! Admittedly breast cancer treatments don't do much for anybodies sexuality, but they don't last forever. Neither one of you are teenagers and you are a Mom. If the six months or so you are in treatment (hairless, not feeling great from treatment) kill your relationship then you are out six months and spared a lifetime of living with someone who won't be there for you when you need him. Since you are in a new and presumably exciting (as opposed to having been with the same person for 20 years) relationship I think use that energy to make sure that your sexuality doesn't go away. You can choose. We've all got dents and scars. If you turn the lights down and get busy they usually don't stop us. And be on the lookout. I'll bet new hubbie has some skeletons in his closet that you haven't found out about. None of us is perfect and all relationships face challenges. Rose
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justkat Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 18 |
Aug 6, 2008 05:52 pm
justkat wrote:
I guess a little part of my fears about the sexuality part is that my first marriage never really recovered from me making babies. Now I know that this is partly because I went into a very long term depression after having the second one. But even when things seemed to be back on track sexually, there was something missing from the intimacy of it. My current husband and I are all about the intimacy. It's going to be a challege to keep that intimacy up during those difficult months. I know we can do it, I'm just scared. Ow, I have cramps today. Guess chemopause will take care of that for me for a little while. =P Note on my fridge to my husband and myself: Our love is STRONGER than ANYTHING.
Dx 7/10/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2+ |
