beasgirl

Aw, Suz. Thank you, I was already teary thinking about you having us on your back before I even got to your story about the man who lost his Holly. Damn. Thank you, for walking, and for taking us with you. And, I'm impressed that you were one of the first survivors to finish, given you're, what, 3 weeks out of surgery!? You are too much. And you LOOK fabulous.

Kim, my hair is a little longer than yours and Suz's, i think--and the curls are driving me NUTS--no sign yet of anything straightening out! It's funny--I was dreading the gray, but kinda looking forward to curls--and now I feel totally the opposite--I'm fine with the gray, and i think I'll keep it, but I have no idea what to do with the completely out-of-control mop I am growing! Every morning I look like I stuck my finger in the light socket. Only more, uh, unpredictable.

Oh, and Kim, congratulations on your clear 6-month check!!  Yahooo!!

Sal, hey! Have fun in Salem--it's very pretty there.

Coming up on the anniversary of my surgery in a couple of weeks. Boy, THAT was a bad day. I'm going to see Blue Man Group the night before--tickets were my birthday present from my friends.

Joy, I can't believe you've got yet another piece of bad news to contend with--your poor MIL. She sounds like a really wonderful person--I'll keep her in my thoughts. And you too! I hope you're checking in, and you're feeling ok, and you make it through with a little oomph left to the other side of this crappy treatment you've been dealing with for SO LONG.  Everyone will immediately start asking if you feel better, and you will be SO IMPATIENT to stop feeling crummy...but it will happen. Thinking of you.

Hey you lovely ladies.

Joy. What you are doing is SO HARD, and you are doing it!! that last treatment is coming soon, and once that is behind you for a few weeks, you will start to feel better. This stuff is AWFUL. You WILL get your strength back when you are finished--you will be amazed. I always thought of myself as a strong person, too, physically, and my *low dose* kicked my ass so hard I was totally questioning that assesment. The kind of strength it takes to do this is a totally different kind of strength, like, the strength it takes to be weak, almost, to surrender, and to trust. Anyway, I am thinking of you, often, and sending you hugs and wishing for all the comfort you can manage.

Suz, I'm sorry I missed your message back there when you were feeling blue--I forget that I'm not completely keeping track of you on facebook--you seemed fine! :) I'm glad you got through your low moments, but I wish I coulda given you a cyber-squeeze.  I'm glad you're feeling better and you made it through all your stupid appointments. I think we are all going to discover how much we are repressing these worries as we go in for these kind of appointments!! Anyway, you're such a hot mama, with your swim-suit addiction. I have more of a swim suit phobia. I need a swim suit that completely covers me from the waist down. Like a mermaid suit, maybe. That would be a look.

Laura, every time I think of you and your hubby doing projects around the house, I get a warm glow. It's like the happy ending in a movie. I hope the winter isn't too rough on his southern soul--I know it gets to me, and I grew up a Northern girl.

Sal. How's it going? Thanks for doing the walk-a-thon. I can't even really bring myself to think too hard about kids going through cancer stuff, as a mom, and a cancer survivor, butit's wonderful that  you're doing something to help them.And...glad you like Heroes--I've been planning to do the same thing with that one, since I missed the beginning of it. That's how we've watched Lost, and it's awesome (though cheezy in so many ways that I'm totally aware of). Enjoy--maybe I'll join you soon.

wiw, you are just the nicest lady. 

love to all--A

is it there?

oh, good, suz--glad to hear you're out, and "lounging"/recovering comfortably. I love it that your dog is looking out for you--so sweet. Hope you heal quickly and feel and sleep better now that this is behind you. I'm sure the lesions are just old scars, and they'll tell you for sure soon.

School is hectic! Work is hard! Two year olds are little! What the heck was I thinking!?! It's nice to be working again and have something to focus on, but every time I do this, I curse my energetic 18-year-old self for picking up this one marketable skill instead of something quieter, that pays better. :) I'm half kidding. It's hard, but rewarding, and once I get to know the little guys better (this was only day 2 w/ kids), it will be easier, and fun. WAY more fun than what I was doing a year ago, that's for sure!

Thanks for asking, wiw!

love all y'all--A

Hey Suz!

 I saw you message on facebook, and was reminded to check here--yikes!! good luck, sweetheart! I know how nerve-wracking any surgery is. I'll be thinking of you. Take really good care of yourself.

 huge hugs!!!!!

check back in when you can.

 love--ames

What a day!

Went in early, all ready for a day of hospital/surgery...it didn't happen! They did a mammo, put the wire in, and the calc completely disappeared! They took like 7 mammos after the wire was in (not the most fun you ever had), and it just couldn't be seen. At all. And this is a huge, 3-gatrillion pixel picture. They guy said his best guess is, they skewered it with the wire. So, everybody recommended that I go home, and check again in 3-6 months (I get to  decide...not sure which to do). 

I felt a little unmoored--it wasn't like, "oh great", or "oh crap"--just..."oh...".  

But I guess I'm ok about it. I'm going to think a while and decide what feels best..if we're "watching" it, it doesn't make sense to do another one too soon, because nothing will have changed...but I don't want to wait too long to find out what's going on... oh, pooh. Any advice, ladies?

Hope everybody is ok, and cozy and safe from hurricanes.  

Starting back to work again nest week, teaching preschool, after staying home with my kids for 5 years...! Getting a little nervous...

Love to all of you--jeannie, wiw, thanks for remembering!

A 

Suz, Sal--you guys look great. Really, really--so lovely and so healthy! Suz, congratulations on curling your hair!!! And I totally get your fall-apart at the check-- I really find myself so much more vulnerable now, like I was keeping it all together or something. Of course, I'm not on my antidepressants anymore, and I'm all menstrual again and stuff, so that probably contributes a little to my verklemptocity. In fact, Sal, I got a little teary when you were talking about your big ice-cream cone! I'm glad the implants went in slick, and you're feeling comfy.

I just feel so proud of all of us. *sniff*

I actually had a hair-cut today--when I walked in she said, "you don't look like you need a haircut"--hee hee--but she "cleaned it up" for me a little. It was kinda nice. I took a couple of pics and will try to post them later when hubby gets home with the non-ancient computer...

Joy, gosh. Check in when you can and let us know how it went. Too much for anybody to deal with. I'm thinking of you.

Jeannie! you look and sound great! Thanks for checking in! 

I also had my pre-test appointment today for the biopsy. Blah. They'll do it on the 20th. Blah. It will take a week to get the results. Did I mention, blah?

Sal, I think I will be in Maine sometime in the last couple of weeks of August--when I know more specifically, I'll get in touch--I'll buy you another ice-cream!

Anybody else having joint pain still? My hands and knees are really hurty! Ack! I don't want to be stuck with this! 

A 

Sal-- my husband got it (receding hare line)--I think you actually should ask your onc. and make sure he's at least as clever as my dh...if not, you may have serious problems. hwa hwa.

I'll be interested in the answer to your "remission" question. I was kinda hoping for "cured", but I guess that isn't really realistic.

sigh--a 

Wow, it's SO comforting to know all of you are there.  You know, it might be good to add our diagnosis dates to the stats at the top, since we will start hitting them soon...I know some have them in their signatures, but it's nice to have everything in one place. If you send them, I'll paste them in.

Yesterday was my first breakdown in front of a doctor through this whole thing. I had NEVER even gotten teary at the doctor's before. I think you're sort of going along, handling as much as you can handle, like your counselor said, Sal, and yet this stuff is lurking... Just a "beware", for stuff like this check--I was already tearing up when I went in--the whole thing hit me like a Mack truck--never saw it coming.

Anyway, I see the bs today, and she'll schedule the biopsy--I guess the areas are small, so they can't do the core biopsy like they did last time. I'm wondering if a lumpectomy would be a better idea--just get it all out in one shot and not have to think about it any more. Anyway. I'm in much better shape today, and set to just take things as they come.

Sal!  I WILL be in Maine, in a few weeks, and I'd love to visit and eat ice-cream and admire each-other's hairdos. I'll PM you and see if we can nail it down. I like the sound of your counselor--so often, with stuff like this, I think "repression" gets a bad rap--I don't always believe the "emotional hydraulics" approach, where you have to confront things and emote and blah blah blah...sometimes you have to manage things the way you can.

Suz, I TOTALLY hear you about trying not to "explain" the hair. I met someone the other day who I had met once before, and realized she didn't recognize me because of the hair...I just said something like "well, I used to look very different" and moved on, but I'm sure she was confused. Oh well. I don't think there's any perfect answer. It's funny, though, how  things were much easier (on this issue) when it was obvious.

wishiwere, thank you so much for your sweet wishes and notes. you are lovely.  

Joy. Ugh. enough is enough, right!? I'm so sorry this round has been so hard. Just know that we, who have done a little of it, are just in awe of how strong you are to be handling this. I know, I always used to scoff when people said I was "strong", because you feel so weak and pathetic, but it's a different kind of strength--endurance, acceptance, surrender--that's also amazing and impressive. I'm thinking of you a lot. you WILL get through this and feel better.

blah blah blah. I should go take advantage of this lovely day.

love--

A 

Hi Everybody!

 I'm so sorry I've been away so long--I have been terribly, stupidly busy, playing catch-up from everything I didn't even know I'd been neglecting. And, to be honest, I think I needed to put the whole cancer thing aside for a little while...sorry I deserted, but only temporarily. I'm back! 

 I've been catching up, skimming, so good to hear about everybody again. Sounds like people are getting back into life...it's hard, but it feels good, eh?

OK, so first things first--hair! I said to my husband last night that I actually don't entirely hate my hair right now. That's the first time since chemo I've said that! It's wavy, grey (kinda like you said, Suz, with the "frosted" effect), pixie-short--2-3 inches?--I pull the little "sideburns" forward, keep the back trimmed, put a little waxy stuff to control/poof up the back, and part on the side. I've even started putting a little hair clip in the front, even though it's still super short, because it looks more feminine and tames my weird little wave there, so I look less like some aging congressman. :) I GOTTA get a new pic on here. 

Sal, I LOVED the story about the guy in the library--laughed out loud. If I had to choose between all the "polite" comments I've fielded, and stuff like that, I'd pick the weed-whacker comment every time. I  know people mean well, with their "compliments", but they have no idea how exhausting it is, to constantly discuss your appearance with people when you have little control over it... at this point, I try to just say "thank you" quickly and change the subject, but some people really want to have a long chat about it. Ugh. The etiquette on this is baffling to me. 

Joy, it's wonderful news that you've been responding well to this second round, and I'm so impressed with your positivity--you rock. hugs, hang in there. 

This week is my "cancerversary"--today is the anniversary of the mammogram that started it all. It was a day or two later that I got the scary call from the OB/gyn. Ugh. It's hard to think about, and hard NOT to think about. I have a mammo scheduled for Thursday, too. I should probably take some time to reflect/celebrate/mark the occasion...but part of me still really wants to leave it alone. 

I got my first period a couple of weeks ago. The hot flashes are gone. The ulcer is healing. The joint pain (that my onc said was probably the result of my immune system overcompensating for having been knocked out) is improving, but still seems to come and go with the weather, like some old lady thing. I still weigh about 10 more pounds than I did before chemo. My surgery scar, on my tummy, has been bothering me again, after about 6 months of feeling pretty fine...I think the nerves are starting to regenerate.

 I can't yet (or can't, now) reflect on how the cancer has changed me. I'm getting teary thinking about it--clearly this anniversary is getting to me. I think about all of you, and feel so proud of all of us. 

If I disappear again, please come find me: I'm Amy Hoff on facebook (we can play boggle!), and amyhoff@gmail.com.

But I'll try not to do that again--I think I still need you guys!

love--

A