Addisyn

HeyJude,

Isn't it nice to be home.  They take wonderful care of you in the hospital, pumping you full of pain killers, and the like but there really is no place like home.  I was so doped up at one point I started to call my husband on my cell and woke up, I don't know how much later, with the phone in my hand and four numbers pressed.  One was wrong.  

Take it easy and let your body heal at its own pace.  There is no right or wrong amount of time.  I tried to do too much too early and just tired myself out.

It was the most obvious things that got me into trouble.  Thinking I could pick up a heavy bottle of laundry detergent.  Reaching up to open the shower curtain.  It is amazing how many chest muscles are involved in those simple tasks.  I think you take it all in stride until you feel that twinge telling you don't go there.

Rest easy and thank you for your kind words. 

Addisyn

I was diagnosed with Stage 1 BC at the age of 48.  At that time I opted to undergo a lumpectomy, had chemo and rads.  Every year I went through a battery of tests mammogram, ultra sounds, bone scans, CT scans, and more recently PET scans. 

About a year ago I had a suspicious lump on my right breast.  My initial cancer was in my left breast.  I was called back for another mammo and an ultra sound.  I was then sent to have a biopsy of the lump.  I am on the table in the exam room and the physician comes in reads the ultra sound.  She says I don't know why you are here and says I don't need a biopsy and sends me on my way.  Well to say the least I was a bit taken aback.

I went back to my PCP for a follow-up and he scheduled a mammo in six months.  So I had a lot of time to worry and think.  Could I go through this again was always in my mind.

My history sucks.  No other way to put it.  All maternal and fraternal aunts had breast cancer, my maternal grandmother and probably a few I don't know about. 

Finally back for the next mammo and it is suggested I undergo genetic counseling.  So I watch the film and decide to have the BRAC testing done.  The way I figure it is a diagnostic tool and I am taking advantage of it.  I have a 23 year old daughter, a sister and two nieces.  The rest of the females in my family with the exception of my mother's youngest sister have all died of cancer in one form or another.

The mammo comes back inclusive as well as the second ultra sound.  My BRAC results are "suspicious" which leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth.  I remember going home after discussing my BRAC results with a geneticist and basically howling at the moon for 24 hours.

When I had done the genetic counseling it had stuck in my mind the option of a bilateral Prophylactic mastectomy.  I first discussed this with my sister.  Well she was of no help whatsoever.  She prefers the "if it happens to me" then I will worry course.  Well it did happen to me and I was beyond terrified it would happen again.

Well going through my annual tests I told my oncologist I was considering a bilateral mastectomy.  He was very supportive and checked with the surgeon who had done my lumpectomy 11 years ago.  He was in network with my insurance plan so I set up an appt. the next week to see him. 

I think I had made the decision already to have the procedure done because when I saw my surgeon he said I was a candidate and to let him know.  That day I scheduled my surgery for the following week.  I am now about a month out from having the surgery.

The one thing I found out this had to be my decision and my decision alone.  You might wonder why I say that.  It is really quite simple.  Now I am dealing with some of the emotions in the aftermath and I know I made the right choice for myself.  When it gets hard I remember my statistics.  I had a 85% chance of recurring BC and now it is 2%.  For me that is enough but perhaps for others the idea of cutting off a part of your body is intolerable.

I did not have reconstruction at the same time and am now thinking about that option.  I will have time to think because my next step is a Prophylactic hysterectomy.  I have had 8 precancerous tumors removed from my colon and if I could have that out I would.  My mother died of colon cancer 5 years ago.  She never knew she had it until she fell ill.  They opened her up and 3 weeks later she was gone.

Well as you can probably tell I need to tell my story.  The emotions for me are running fairly high at the moment.  My husband is the strong silent type who can't or won't discuss emotions.  When I was initially diagnosed with BC he was the one that fell off the chair.  I make my own health care decisions and unfortunately have no receptive family to talk with. 

I was diagnosed after my BC with severe clinical depression and this just adds to the situation.  I have always been a strong person due to necessity but quite honestly right now I need some support.  It is hard for me to reach out because I am usually the one giving, not getting.

I have two therapists.  They listen which is fine and good, but I want feedback from those who are in the know.

I remember when I was around 16 my fraternal aunt was diagnosed with BC.  She was a nurse and opted to have no treatment.  I was at that crossroads.  It reminds of the poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.  I know I have taken the rigth path for me.  I guess I just need a few walking partners.