PinkyLee

Good evening Ladies:

It has been a while since I posted, and I am glad I came here tonight and read and got some inspiration.  I am in the healing stage from surgery and the last few days have been difficult.  I am trying to keep my head up and some days i do okay at that, but there are days when I question why I had to go thru this again. 

I  read so many post, but I think it was somewhere back that Held said she couldn't get into the exercise class.  That made me think about how hard it has been to move beyond being a cancer patient.  I am so tried of being described as a cancer patient.  I am not receiving any cancer treatment so why do I have to be listed as a cancer patient!  I had cancer and I had surgery.  Now I am a woman who is healing.    But back to my questions about why me? 

I have always been told that god only gives you what you can handle, well I want to know how I am suppose to handle this.  I don't think this burden is one that God would give to anyone.  I feel more like Job once he had been turned over to the devil for testing.  I don't want to fail my test, but I keep wanting to know when the test will be over. 

My church friends and family have been supportive of me, but I don't think anyone can understand the sadness I feel when I look in the mirror and see two square expanders with plugs that are not aligned where nipples use to be and wonder if I will ever look like a normal woman again.  I have not taken off a teddy in three weeks. 

As soon as I get out of the shower or bath, the first thing I do is pull a cammi or teddy over my chest so I don't have to see what I look like.  I want to not be angry with God or anyone because of this, but I am not feeling that right now.  I am tried of being what I am at this time.

this may not make any since to anyone reading, but I needed to write this to feel better in my heart.  I know it is wrong to question God, but I feel so sad right now.

Please pray that I will do better with my attitude about this disease.

It good to hear that you are doing well.  I had two drains out after two weeks and the other two after four weeks so, I think you are doing great.  I still haven't shaved because I have knots under my arms where the drains were.  They are getting smaller, but I don't want to risk cutting them off and bleeding to death in the shower. 

I ddn't drive until after my drains were out because the doctor told me it was dangerous.  I still am very careful because I don't want the air bag to explode against these expanders that are very uncomfortable.  I try to keep my mind on the goal and the day that I have new foobs and not rock hard expanders.

Hope you feel better LuAnn.  For some reason I have been tired and not up to snuff for the last two days.  I can't really say what's wrong, just that I don't feel right.  But who the hell remembers what right is.  My back aches, my chest aches and my stomach feels off.

I am taking an on-line course to keep my mind busy and at the moment it is plucking my nerves.

My DH had not been drinking since Saturday, but this evening (at 4:00) he sit down to look at the election with his bottle of Crown Royal.  I am going to go pick up some meds, eat dinner and go to bed.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel better.

Cancer Sucks... for all who didn't know.

Diane,

Don't let anyone make you think you are crazy.  women know when something is wrong. 

Since your DH doesn't talk to you that much, try giving him the same treatment.  I have been staying with my boyfriend since I found out I was sick.  He has a drinking problem and at times goes thru this not speaking deal.  At first I would get mad, now I just don't talk to him until he talks to me.  On Friday I got up and spoke and he didn't speak back so the rest of the day I really didn't say much.  I did think about getting toasted and telling him off, but before I could make that choice he came in asking me what was wrong because I had said two words to him all day. 

I did it again today and he is coming in and out checking to make sure I am okay.

It hurts so bad when someone you love and need betrays you when you need them the most.  Men are pigs, no matter how you treat them. 

I suggest that you get the bitch fired.  You can get legal help from another area.  It is against the law to violate hippa and she has no ethics for contacting your husband if you are a patient at that office.  Both she and her employer could be liable.  I say you give them hell.  If you must go, go out with a blast on her ass.

Good luck.  Put something in his food if you can't use the superglue.  At least make him suffer as you have at his insensitivity.

ostate2003

I had surgery induced menopause at 39.  I am now 52. 

The first few months are going to be the worst.  At the time, I had a 13  year old daughter and life was dramatic for both of us.  I cried a lot and wanted to stay in bed.  The doctor's had insisted that I wasn't experiencing meno because they had cut one ovary out of the mass.  In the end, that ovary never worked.

I could never take HRT because of my family history. 

I would suggest that you go to the health food store and get some women help teas.  These help me a lot.  Also, try sleeping with at least one foot out of the cover.  This tended to decrease night sweats abnd keep a fan and cold drink on hand. 

It will seem like if never going to get better, but as time goes on it will.  Don't be afraid to ask for some happy pills if you need them. 

It took years for my daughter and I to reconnect after this because no one was there to help.  I was too proud to ask for help or pills.  Don't let pride keep you from reaching out to your boys.  Explain to them as best you can what you are experiencing.  In the long run this will help your relationship.

Good luck

I don't know about anyone else, but this period of expansion and waiting for the implants is giving me the down  right blues.  I had know idea that I would go through all of this suffering.  Ihad no idea that these expansions were going to be hard as rocks that I could not get a comfortable position to sleep.  Now idea that I would be walking around with square boob that look like marge simpson head.  I had skil shaving surgery, so the marks from the lumpectomy is now stretched large across the breast, with th e nipple pads on the bottom.  I hope the hell I don't end up with nipples looking down.  At this time the are not even, I am in discomfort and the drunk won't let me feel these feeling.  I tried to flirt with him and he said he'd take a rain check.  I told him I would bring him a monsoun.  I am going to put on a lacy little top some heels and walk down  and place my heel in his lap.  If that doesn't do it.  He is drunk beyond help.

Does any one a nice way to tell someone that theyhave start drinking way too much lately.  And that their drinking is having a negative affect on him.  This person is a neat freek!  Dishes mush be wash, store wiped off, bathroom cleaned and no more than one laod of clothes in the hamper. But when starts hsi drinking., he walks around and find something wrong about everything  The printer was jammed, it had to be something I did.  I walked down the steps and said "trick or treat and he thought I had a voodoo doll.  I laughted because he is that high.  Agbout a half bottle of crown royal, keeps in the bag so he donent know who much he drinks.

Now I will go down and start a conversatuib w=ith him and he will of course and take the lead.  Wow/!1When drunk man s insistent to be the dominate in a conversation it can be tricky.

this may no ,make any sense becuase I ahve take 2 viocatan and a ambien.    But I plan to be really bitchy tonoght.  He has earned it and so have i and I declair this a opne zone for war fare this evening.  I am speakinh my peace and having a vodka/orangejuice. (with simply that Ii do now have. I going down stairs and act jus tlike him.

kathi,

that is great.  It is good to know that someone else is feeling the stress.  I must say that my day got better.  I took a shower which is a luxury these days, got dressed to find all my clothes are now too big.  That's not the worst thing since I could stand to lose some weight, but then everyone started laughing because my jeans sag off my now complete flat ass.  My suggestion was why doesn't someone buy me some new ones then.  Of course they didn't look that bad anymore.

I have been looking for my birth certificate all afternoon since social security doesn't seem to know who I am.  Of course I can't find it when I know I had it here prior to the surgery.  I called myself getting everything in order in case of the worst.  My memory is short so I don't know where I put things so they would be easy to find.

Happy birthday to who is was that posted.

I too want to curl up in the corner but my SO is determine that I get it together.  I told him he reminds of me the little girl in "Along kiss goodnight" which isn't all bad, but sometimes I would like some pity, not always hearing the look at the bright side of things.

Sorry that you have to deal with this.  I had my drains in for a long time.  The last two were removed last week.  That was a months after surgery.  I had my expanders put in during my bi-lateral.  When he removed the last one, he started the expandsion.  I hope this gets better for you.

I was still giving out about 20 cc a day when he remove the back ones, but I am so glad they are gone. 

The only thing I can say is be thankful that he didn't take them out too soon.  that is worst than leaving them in.  A friend at church had her's removed too soon and when they went to put her port in, they had to open her up and put the drains back in.

I did have a lot of gunk in mine when they came out, but I was glad to see that stuff leaving my body, I don't want anything to interfer with my healing process.

Good luck to you.

drags