Profile for JerseyGal

Member Since: January 6, 2005
Last Login: October 3, 2008
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Recent Posts by JerseyGal

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Aug 12, 2008 07:15 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Sydney.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)
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What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes!

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 28, 2008 04:57 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 28, 2008 04:49 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

MEDICAL CONDITION

*A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.*
*
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered violently*
*once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. *
*A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.*

*Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I
couldn't help but notice' he said, ' that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'** **
*
*'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have*
*an orgasm.'** **
*
*The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have
never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'*
*
The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'*

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 28, 2008 04:40 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

The following were asked of 16 year olds. It is probably a very good thing they are not able to vote in our next elections!!

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 21, 2008 07:12 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

The Old Sailor
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An old sailor in a brothel is trying to make love to one of the girls 'How am I doing' he asks. 'Three knots' replied the girl. 'What do you mean, three knots?' says the sailor. The girl responds 'You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back!'

2 Docs
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Two doctors are having sex. He says to her 'You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after.' She replies 'Well, you must be an anaesthetist, 'cause I didn't feel a thing!'

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 11, 2008 05:27 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

I don't intend to offend anyone of Oriental ancestry. Hope you take this in the way is was intended: a friend sent it to me, and I laughed out loud. It could be any nationality, but somehow Italian pizza or Irish lager just doesn't seem to work. Plus, I am an imbecile in trying to recreate any accent. Sooo...I am just forwarding it as received and hope it will be looked at as an international laugh out loud! Enjoy!

The Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?'

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 11, 2008 05:20 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 8, 2008 06:34 pm

Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Hallelujah!!!! Thanks! I look forward to sharing those smiles, chuckles and quick laughs with all my fellow survivors- Brenda

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jun 19, 2008 10:56 am

I miss the humor board!

I am happy so many people (thousands, it seems!) are enjoying the ongoing game threads. However, I really miss the humor board!! I used to love to just check out the board 2 or 3 times a day and get my fix of laughter. Now, it is just too cumbersome looking for a joke. Anyone else wish to separate the two boards?

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Oct 30, 2007 06:50 am

The Duck and the Lawyer

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER 


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." 


(I love this part)


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Oct 18, 2007 05:01 pm

The Tax Man

THE TAX MAN
>
>
>
> At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to
> audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
> to the Rabbi and said
>
> "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
> drippings?"
> "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
> back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
> free box of candles."
> "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
> question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
> way:
>
> "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
> "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
> trap him
> with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the
> manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of holy
> biscuits."
>
> "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
> know-it-all
> Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
> foreskins
> from the circumcisions you peroform?"
> "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is we save
> up all the
> foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once year they send
> us a complete
> dick."
>
>

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Oct 3, 2007 07:07 am

Heartwarming Story

HEARTWARMING STORY

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Sep 18, 2007 06:41 am

Why I forward jokes

This explains why I forward (some) jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo.
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
 
Maybe this will explain.
 
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
 
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
 
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
 
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
 
A forwarded joke.
 
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
 
You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Aug 10, 2007 12:06 pm

The Pastor's Donkey

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again!

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's a** and you'll live longer.

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jul 24, 2007 03:24 am

Who is Jack Schitt???

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jun 25, 2007 10:25 am

All you wanted to know about angels

ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ANGELS--FROM CHILDREN

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. (Gregory, age 5)

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. (Olive, 9)

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. (Matthew, 9)

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. (Mitchell, 7)

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. (Henry, 8)

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. (Jack, 6)

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. (Daniel, 9)

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. (Regan, 10)

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. (Sara, 6)

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. (Jared , 8)

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. (Antonia, 9)

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. (Caitlyn, 9)

Some of the angels are in charge of helping to heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. (Vicki, 8)

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. (Sarah, 7)

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jun 1, 2007 06:00 am

The Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
=

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Jun 1, 2007 05:54 am

Harley Davidson

Harley Davidson

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycle have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yes, that's me.'
God said, 'Well, one professional to another, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes a lot of noise and pollutes the air?'
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, 'Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much...
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!

'Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The super monitor filled with information and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: May 30, 2007 10:48 am

The Bottle of Wine

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

Posted in: Day to Day Matters + Humor and Games, Created: Apr 29, 2007 12:15 pm

The Texas Preacher

THE TEXAS PREACHER

The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

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