Angie, I know exactly how you feel.  The week before my double mas, I felt like I was crashing.  I found that working up until the day of surgery kept my mind busy so that I didn't think about it.  I just wanted that black mold (cancer) out of me.  I was scared, and cried a few times (that does help to let it out) and needed hubby to hug me more often than usual but I felt so much better after the mas.  I bounced back quickly and felt better about being cancer free.  Everyone goes through this crashing period, but everyone has to handle it in a different way.  I can not sit around and think about it or I would go crazy.  You may need time just for you to go through the acceptance/attack stage so that you are emotionally ready to go through with your surgery.  I promise, it does get better as time goes on.  I still have to go through chemo and that scares the hell out of me so I am living one day at a time right now.  I am 1 1/2 weeks out of my mas surgery.  Still in a lot of pain, but lessening every day.  The worst of it is these damn drains.  The actual surgery wasn't as bad as I had expected.  Sorry, I am rambling.  Just take time for yourself if you need it.  Your family must know what you are going through and are hopefully supportive enough to understand how you are feeling right now.  Stick together as a family and you will all get through this.  Eileen Carnein

Hi gals, I am beginning to sound like a drug pusher, and I know that one size does not fit all.  Some people do not like to take anything, and that is a perfectly legitimate stance, others can't take things.

BUT, if you are able and willing, I strongly advise for the long term, considering anti-depressives, I don't know how I would have survived without them.  They are not addictive, they don't work for everyone, but if they do, they are a miracle.  They take 3 to 6 weeks to become fully effective, in most cases.  When you get your confidence back and your feet back under you and stop being scared half to death, you can slooowly get off them. 

Then, for the "break through" or for right now, consider Ativan, Zanax or Valium (generic is Diazepam).  These "short term" things work well for surgery night before, test days, etc.  Or, until the anti-deps kick in.

I swear gals, I do not have any investment in the pharmaceuticals!

I just think so many gals do not realize how long this journey is so many of us have to take.  The toll this disease, or rather the length of the treatment, takes on jobs and families is huge.  I say, anything you can do to get through this makes sense.

This is totally my opinion, and believe me, I know there are many cases where this approach, either for ethical, moral or medical reasons is not a good idea.  But when you see a fire, get out the fire extinguisher.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann 

chemomom

 remember to take one day at a time.  I had a bilateral mastomey in June it really wasn't that bad I hated the drain tubes the most.  If you go to a specialty bra store and get a cami with inserts in it to but your drain tubes it feels alot better.  I will be thinking of you.

hugs and prays

lori

Hi Angie,

I understand what you're coping with.  I had a bilateral mastectomy in June.  I also had neoadjuvant chemo (4 DD AC and 4 DD Taxotere) before surgery.  I was shooting for a lumpectomy option then changed my mind midstream...just had to go to the extreme for my own personal peace of mind (not that I have really found it).  I did take Ativan for sleep for several months and Lexapro for one month.  I think both helped me keep my head above water as surgery approached and as I coped with news of positive nodes following the bilat surgery.  I worked throughout, taking only the minimum amount of time off for recovery from surgery and the odd day following chemo.  I found that staying at home was worse for me.  My kids are a little older so I wasn't occupied with tending to them and I found I just moped about the house.  I was better off at work where I could at least be distracted for chunks of time.  Everybody is different but that's what worked for me.  As I approached my surgery I did go into a mourning period...grieving the loss of my breasts (that's a whole 'nother post) but I never rethought my decision even though, by the time of surgery, the tumor was small enough to permit a lumpectomy.  I've never looked back.  I'm glad I did it.  I'm 4 months out now and feeling pretty good.  It's amazing really...once the chemo is out of your system and the physical discomfort from surgery has passed, the mind comes around and you start to heal mentally.  I have to say I was feeling pretty good within 8 weeks of surgery (could've been sooner but I had to go back for the nodes within one month of the bilat).

There's a balance for me...doing too much and not doing enough...  Too much and I'm wiped out physically and emotionally.  Too little and I spend all my time thinking about BC.  I'm trying to find the happy medium but I lean toward doing too much... keeps me distracted.

Hi chemomom,

I, too, had a double mastectomy.  The surgery, itself, is not bad as I had very little pain.  I hated the drains the most, but bounced back quickly.  What worked for me was gaining knowledge about BC.  I read everything that i could get my hands on and talked to a lot of people who had been through it.  I felt like my life was out of control, so gaining knowledge was the only control I felt I had.  I also asked my doctors tons of questions and transformed from a passive patient to an informed confident patient.  I found that talking to others was very helpful.  You need to do what you feel is best for you whether it is working or staying at home.  I tried to stay busy by cleaning, cooking, etc. as I was not working when all of this happened.  I did go back to work a year after my chemo and surgeries.  My church family was a tremendous source of comfort for me and I bonded with several women who had been through BC.  Good luck to you!

Thanks for the input everyone.  After my meltdown on Monday, i have been feeling much better.  There is so much to think about and do, I have taken all week off and I think it has helped.  Of course, this last chemo seems to have knocked a lot out of me, so it was a good idea to be out for physical AND emotional reasons. 

i really liked what Dottie said:  "I am not superwoman and do not have to be....No extra points are scored, or even offered."  That is so true, what a way to look at things!  I hope you don't mind if I add that quote to my bag of tricks. :)

I will see my surgeon tomorrow and ask tons of questions.  And I am sure i will melt-down again before surgery comes.  Right now, i want to write my 2 boys a letter, "just in case."  One task at a time, one day at a time, and I'll get thru this.  Thanks again everyone.  Angie

Angie,

I remember that my last round of AC chemo kicked my butt in a wicked way and I would cry at the drop of the hat for a couple of weeks.  So much of the depression we feel can come from hormones being suppressed and altered by the chemotherapy. Then to add in an upcoming mastectomy surgery is just more rotten icing on an already crumbly cake.  I hope that as the effects of the chemo tx wears off, you'll start to feel better. 

I only had a right breast mastectomy, but I thought surgery was pretty easy. I agree that the drain was one of the worst parts, with the other part being that I had to keep telling my four-year-old son that he couldn't really sit it my lap so that he wouldn't bump into me too hard. I feel for you with two kids. Even with one, I feel like I'm just not able to give him everything he needs right now. First, he couldn't sit on my right side of my lap because of the surgery. Then when that healed, I got my port on the left side, so now he can't sit there. Poor guy is so confused about what he can or can't do with me. I know I get frustrated that I can't just pick him up and give him a hug without worrying about him smashing into my port. 

For me, work was a lifesaver because it kept me from dwelling on things, but for you, it might be just what you need to take some time. Right now, this is the time to take care of YOU and if you do that, the other things will fall into place. Listen to what your body and mind says you need. I agree there are no points scored or given in this realm. 

Hang in there, Angie, and I'll see you on the Aug 07 chemo girls board! Let us know how you're doing.

DeAnn  

Hi Angie,
I had a single mastectomy on Oct 25th... I too am rationing my percocets until Tuesday, and I laughed when I read you were doing the same. I am young like you also, 29 years old. I have 5 kids, and all the help I have received is truly a blessing. Hopefully you are receiving help as well. I was shocked by the size of my incisions also. I had my drains removed on Friday, thank heavens, but now the fluid is accumulating under the tissue, and it looks like my boob is growing back. LOL! I will probably need it drained. I am glad that your nodes came back negative. That is encouraging news. Wishing you lots of TLC and a speedy recovery.