Topic: Unsupportive Husbands-What to do?
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 67
Posts: 67
- Posted on: Apr 16, 2007 01:38 pm
I've finished with my treatment and am scared of reoccurence since I can't take the hormone therapy. My husband walked out on me during my chemo last time (3/06) and later came back. I said if I go through treatment again, I'd rather do it alone than with an unsupportive spouse. Anyone else have thoughts?
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Anonymous Joined: Jan 2000 Posts: 1432 |
Apr 16, 2007 03:51 pm
Anonymous wrote:
I just don't understand why some men are so unsupportive. I had a really tough time with my boyfriend (of 6 years) as well. It really sucks. Cause, it is hard enough to deal with all the uncertainties with this damn disease and then on top of that to have to deal with a relationship that is falling apart or rocky. Just before I got diagnosed I was going thru some hard times with my boyfriend, and I should have probably broke it off then.... but then I was diagnosed & during treatment, I didn't have the strength to be alone. I think I was so insecure at that time. He did some really selfish things and looking back now, I cant believe it. And what amazed me is that he probably thought he was quite supportive. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I am glad that you got thru all of your big treatments, now is the time to enjoy life. As time passes, your worries will lessen. We all worry about reoccurance, fear is all part of this disease. But I promise, the worry becomes less and less eventually. But I have come along way cause I have now reclaimed my happiness, and I am a much happier person for it. My life is too meaningful to waste it on someone who is draining me. I fully understand that some men handle this in their own way, but I am not one to make excuses for unsupportive men. I do hope that your situation gets better. Hugs hun. mel xoxox |
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renalnurse Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 67 |
Apr 16, 2007 05:41 pm renalnurse wrote: Thanks for your reply. At what point did you reclaim your happiness? I wonder if now is the time while I am recovering and regaining my strength (physical and mental). |
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Anonymous Joined: Jan 2000 Posts: 1432 |
Apr 16, 2007 06:24 pm
Anonymous wrote:
We split up just very recently(1 mnth ago). I didnt feel as though my relationship was going anywhere, unfortunately. And I know this sounds terrible, but, I thought up of all the possible endings to this battle I am fighting. It sounds bad, but I am not promised any period of time, and I just didn't want to spend these next important years of my life unhappy. It was the right decision for me, at the right time. I finished all my surgery, chemo and rads, and now I am nearly a year on in survivorship. I do sometimes wonder if I should have tried harder to make it work..... What I have realised though, was that my cancer hadn't changed my boyfriend much, he was always fairly unsupportive in most things. I had changed, I felt as though I just wasn't gonna put up with siuations that made me feel deflated. Life is no dress rehersal. There are many ladies here on the boards that have had similar problems to us at some point, some have managed to work things out with their partners and are very very happy today. I am sure they will soon come along to give you some support and encouragement to. The ladies here are really great. Hang in there. mel xox |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
Apr 18, 2007 07:24 pm
RobinTN wrote:
Dear Nurse:I am a fellow RN.Please read some of my past post to see how my husband of 18 years has and is treating me.I had rather be alone in a cave than to be with someone like him.If either of you girls ever need someone to talk to know I am here.Pm me your number and I will call and we will ponder together. Just hang in there and dont give up if no other reason than to spit him. |
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renalnurse Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 67 |
Apr 20, 2007 09:07 am
renalnurse wrote:
Robin, Thanks for your support. I guess I just need to gain my confidence back. 23 years ago I was alone when I drove myself to the hospital and had a baby 2 hours later. I'm just trying to figure out where that confident woman went and why I'm so insecure now. Perhaps this emotional abusive relationship has made me this way. I'm starting counseling next week. |
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Anonymous Joined: Jan 2000 Posts: 1432 |
Apr 20, 2007 09:05 pm
Anonymous wrote:
Discovered my husband having affair in Nov. 2000. Confronted him and was shocked when he refused to resolve our problem. I had an emotional breakdown. I couldn't afford a divorce. We became roommates with separate bedrooms. 5 years later I was dx with bc. Doc told me tumor probably there about 3 or 4 years. It was very small. I know my emotional distress over the end of my marriage - a marriage I gave most of my life to since I married so young - caused my cancer. I cannot explain what I went through. I hated depending on him throughout my treatment but I had no choice. He now acts as though nothing ever happened to us. We are just good old buddies sharing a house. I went from worshipping the ground he walked on to hating the sight of him. And I can hardly wait till the day comes when I can tell him that he caused my breast cancer. I admire the women who despite financial ruin and other obstacles leave the b**t**d. It isn't worth ruining your health to stay with an uncaring man. I'm just hoping this old b**t**d dies before me! And I have moved money and rewritten my will to make sure the old b**t**d doesn't get it all. |
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Anonymous Joined: Jan 2000 Posts: 1432 |
Apr 21, 2007 11:44 am Anonymous wrote: Dear renalnurse: I think being ladies, we do think about what happens if our partners leave us. My husband is very supportive; and I've decided that if he decides not to be, then I would make a list or pros and cons in order of priority and then decide if it is better to be with him, or without. This is such a personal thing that only YOU know the answer. Because we have been diagnosed with BC, we feel that we have less time and therefore want to make the best of our time, although tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Please take care and I hope things work out for you. |
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tlc60 Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 117 |
Apr 22, 2007 05:14 pm
tlc60 wrote:
I'm not sure if I would call my dh unsupportive, he's just oblivious (just as bad). He lives in his own little world and acts as if everything is OK. If I hear him say "why are you so tired? It's only 9:00 p.m.!" one more time I think I'll throttle him! tlc |
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wallan Joined: May 2004 Posts: 2823 |
Apr 23, 2007 01:32 pm
wallan wrote:
My hubby was very unsupportive during my bc crisis. He did not attend doc appts with me or chemo or anything, even though I have no family here. I felt so alone. We had arguments because I wasn't pulling my 50% of the load in the marriage. I remember the day I came home from my mastectomy with drains and all. I went to bed. He was very upset with me for that. He even made a huge deal about calling back all these people that had been calling to find out how I am. He said I was rude and inconsiderate not to do it right away. I was so mad at him I remember. He didn't want to be at the hospital with me during my mastectomy either. He asked his brother to come stay with me. I was so hurt. He became irate when I said I couldn't go away camping with him that summer because of chemo. I said just skip it this year, and he refused. We went to a cottage instead and an outdoor rock concert. It was in the middle of nowhere.. I was taking Neupogen shots everyday too... it was awful and I was upset all the time. And now, I am still paying for all the meds during chemo... I went into debt for it... he is angry about that too. He wanted me to declare bankruptcy because he didn't want to pay anything. Yet, despite all of this, I forgive him. Now it has been 3 years since all this began, and we are closer. He isn't perfect, but slowly I have come to realize he was terrified and grieved when I was dx and couldn't handle it. He admits he was a wreck. We have talked and talked about it. I really do forgive him. I am at peace with it. Wendy A |
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iodine Joined: Oct 2002 Posts: 7127 |
Apr 23, 2007 02:26 pm iodine wrote: Wow, Wendy, you are a better woman than I. My dh went thru the motions of "helping" but not really being there. We have never talked about it and never will. We are more legal house mates than a couple. But it's been that way for a long time and I have ? ? accepted it, at least better than I had in the years past. I guess I just setteled for it after so long a time and finally decided tha he wasn't going to change and I didn't really want to start over again at my age. |
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renalnurse Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 67 |
Apr 27, 2007 08:01 pm
renalnurse wrote:
Dear TLC60, Is oblivious just another excuse for men? My husband would come home at the end of the day during my chemo and look around at the dust bunnies and say "What did you do all day?" Never mind the fact that it took me 3 tries to carry an empty laundry basket from the laundry room to the bedroom? This is why women have babies and not men!!!!!!!!! |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
Apr 27, 2007 09:43 pm
RobinTN wrote:
Dear Renal: That confident woman is still there,you just have to dig deep down and find her and bring her to the surface it might not happen over night but it will happen.And remember you are not alone,i am to the point that i cant stand to look at the EVIL.when he comes in one room i go out of the room.we dont talk.I have got to get out of this,this room let is for the birds and sure is not a marriage. hang in there sweetie.I am here you are not alone. |
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Lovin_Life Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 82 |
Apr 29, 2007 05:33 pm
Lovin_Life wrote:
I couldn't stand to live with the stress of a bad relationship. I would have to take a walk! But do understand how some women are trapped in a bad relationship due to finances. I knew a woman who devoted her life to her marriage. Dx with breast cancer about 3 or 4 years after her marraige collapsed. She remained under constant stress all those years of trying to save her marriage. She died 3 years after her dx. She blamed him for depleting her immune system with the emotional stress and trauma he caused. I have read that stress causes a flood of cortisol which depresses the immune system. Ongoing overload of cortisol is like a corrosive agent flowing through the body. And to top that off, ongoing stress increases the amount of estrogen in the body. How's that for a hormonal overload on the breasts? I do believe that some women can get breast cancer from ongoing emotional stress. The only question is why other women with a similar stressful lifestyle have an immune system that is able to handle the chemical assault that happens inside a body with ongoing trauma and stress. |
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davisfamily… Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 173 |
Apr 30, 2007 07:01 pm
davisfamily70 wrote:
I too struggle with a husband who treats this disease and the treatment as "no big deal". He doesn't go so far as to complain about the housework not being done, but he makes no attempt to help out. He also never asks how I feel, and turns a deaf ear to any concerns I have about my aches and pains-let alone about my concerns about whether I will survive. However, I do have to admit that I cannot tell him what I need- I am not sure why- part of me is afraid of where it will lead. I am not healthy enough to hear that he just doesn't care. My heart aches for all of us-there is a substantial amount of anger floating around in this thread and it cannot be easy for us to hold on to it. I know that it is the cowards way out-but I know what I can do when I expect too much from people and they let me down-I lower my expectations. |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
May 1, 2007 09:45 am
RobinTN wrote:
I am sorry you ladies are having to go thru this.This is a terrible time in our lives without having a dh who dosent care.I dont even call my dh a husband anymore I refer to him as EVIL as that is what he is.He is constantly on the internet talking to other women and if that is not enough he gives them our home number,I was in the hospital in nov and one of his women called here and said she was from the insurance company so the EVIL is telling strangers about my situation.Recently I looked into his cell phone bill and last month it was 350.00 just calling his woman in canada and the month before it was 250.00 calling the same woman.I called her number but she dosent have the guts to answer when I call,so i left her a message and told her to come and get him,that i am thru with him.I am to the point that I hate him.He now works second shift and is gone when I get up and i dont have to see him as we have slept apart for years.He waited until I was dx with ca until starting this nonsence and he is 51 way old enough to know better. I pray that this cancer will soon be gone so i can kick him out and not need his income as I am ashamed to admit i do now.I am an RN and have always been the major bread winner and he holds that against me that he has to work now because i cant.I asked him once about our wedding vowels and he said they dont mean anything to him.I hate him so bad.and hate is a terrible emotion. Why dont you girls come over to its time to circle the wagon thread.you will get support there.I am one of the ones the thread was started for when I had a reaccurance last aug and it has been a God send.I will pray for you ladies who are going thru similiar to what I am.I wish no one had to endure what I do. |
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wallan Joined: May 2004 Posts: 2823 |
May 2, 2007 12:33 pm
wallan wrote:
I am going to a women's retreat at the end of May titled "Why Women weep"... I have to give a talk to 140 women on this. From this thread, I can see why women weep.!!! Wendy A |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
May 2, 2007 01:33 pm RobinTN wrote: wendy.you are so right.As if we dont have enough to weep over the men in our lives makes it so hard on us we weep every day.Or I know I do. |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
May 2, 2007 01:36 pm RobinTN wrote: RenalNurse where are you? Hope all is well with you. |
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missz Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 68 |
May 3, 2007 07:16 pm
missz wrote:
Robin, you can bail on him and come here any time. I want to kick him myself. All I know is that when I first got a lump and a biopsy, my boyfriend, who supposedly wanted to marry me, was shockingly unavailable. Now...so far it's just a scare but I am not out of the woods til post lumpectomy testing. I need all the help and support I can get & I am basically an orphan so it's up to my friends. I dumped him anyway. No matter that he calls every day, no matter that he says he will be there for the surgery- we women need men we can COUNT on and just because we are vulnerable is not enough reason to stay. That isn't to say I don't understand women who do- I still pick up the phone when he calls, I admit it- but I agree with the woman who said she'd rather spend whatever time she has without the poison of a bad man. Renalnurse, I hope you are okay and feeling stronger, and can create a support system that does not include this man! Hugs!! |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
May 4, 2007 12:32 pm
RobinTN wrote:
Missz.I am getting ready to bail and would love to move somewhere where i have friends waiting.Send me a pm and let me know where you are.I have got to do something to save my sanity. It just cant get any worse.I just want peace of mind. amen what you said we need men we can count on.The EVIL that lives here told me our marriage vowels didnt mean anything.That was when he was leaving me for the women in the phillipines he met on the internet.then i got ca.now he has a woman in canada that he ran up a 350.00 cell phone bill last month.He cant give me any extra money to get buy but he can spend his extra money on cell phone bills.I could just go on and on and on but it dosent help.it is up to me to get out of this situation.I just need to be working so I can support myself. Thanks for caring. RenalNurse:I am getting worried where r u? |
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missz Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 68 |
May 4, 2007 07:20 pm missz wrote: Robin: PMing you. |
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Anonymous Joined: Jan 2000 Posts: 1432 |
May 8, 2007 04:17 pm
Anonymous wrote:
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!I told him that I was so over him and that I couldn't stand one more minute in this marriage. He moved out 1 week ago and I've been pampering myself. I've gone to church, seen a counselor, taken long walks with my dog, and adopted a cat(he would never let me have a cat). I am so happy! And the best news of all is my mammogram is clear and my tumor markers are normal. Is this a sign or what? Thinking about you guys. Hang in there. |
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renalnurse Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 67 |
May 8, 2007 04:22 pm renalnurse wrote: I don't know why but my signature didn't show up. Msg #605026 is me---Renalnurse. |
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davisfamily… Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 173 |
May 8, 2007 05:10 pm
davisfamily70 wrote:
My heart aches for you Robin-there is a certain point in time where you have to make a stand- I wish you good luck in any direction you choose. Anonymous-Good for you -looks like you got rid of two cancers. I just want to share with you a story about the most horrific funeral that I have ever attended. My friend was just 56 years old, as long as I have known her she had a terrible marriage. I knew her for 22 years and in that time she put her husband through school, worked her ass off at work and at home and then supported her husband-he kept losing jobs because he was "overqualified". In that period of time he collected her paycheck each and every week, and she never had anything new-I remember how excited she was when someone gave her a coat-she was wearing the same one since high school (no lie). When she was diagnosed with BC she didn't want anyone to know-she had Inflammatory Breast Disease and she was stage 4 before she sought treatment-she wanted to work every day-why? because she could not get a moments peace from her stupid husband. She worked until 3 days before she died, while she was dying, he was at her workplace trying to submit her retirement papers, so he could get a survivors option. At her funeral, he gave a speech about how she stalked him, about how she was a plain jane that scored with a man like him...I would have gladly killed him if I had the nerve. He called one of the other co-workers a week after the funeral and told her that he was ready for another woman... My point is, is that some guys are just boobs you can't change them, you can't save them..the best thing to do is to put a lot of distance between you and them. |
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AliceJean Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 343 |
Jun 8, 2007 08:39 am AliceJean wrote: Anyone dealing with a husband who escapes with alcohol? He puts on a show for everyone else about how caring he is and tears up when he has to tell people about my cancer...then comes home and gets happily drunk. I know he can't cope with it sober but I can't talk to him when he's drinking, and shut him out. But he chooses that...he knows I will not talk to him and that seems to be the way he prefers it. I'd appreciate any advice to deal with this...thanks. |
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ausborn Joined: Jul 2002 Posts: 453 |
Jun 8, 2007 10:34 pm
ausborn wrote:
Ladies, I am glad to find this topic. My husband and I had been together for eight years when I was dx. We had always had a WONDERFUL relationship. This was not our first marriages. He was the ONE I KNEW I would grow old with. And when I was dx'd he was so supportive. Nine months after I completed chemo and rads, I had a recurrence with mets. We got that under control and 1-1/2 years later another recurrence. He slowly became more and more distant. We were in marriage counseling when I had the last recurrence. I had a bi-lat mast with this last recurrence and 4 weeks after my surgery he told me he did not want to go back to counseling. He also told me that he was not 'in love' with me anymore. So I moved back to where my family lives. That was 10 months ago. We are divorced now. If anyone had told me this would happen????? I would not have believed it. I am devastated. I feel like cancer has taken so much away from me. Will I ever get over him? I still love him and I don't know how to stop loving him. And who in their right mind would ever be interested in a boobless cancer riddened woman. Who would sign up for THAT? Sometimes I wish the cancer would just go ahead and take me. I am on antidepressants and in therapy. But I feel so alone. Just an overwhelming sense of loss. |
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AnnieBird55… Joined: Mar 2007 Posts: 168 |
Jun 9, 2007 08:43 pm
AnnieBird55 wrote:
"And who in their right mind would ever be interested in a boobless cancer riddened woman." ==> I bet everyone here is interested in you! I know what you mean, and I feel the same way *sometimes*, then the 'other' side of me starts that more positive talk about all I have to offer (that has nothing to do with boobs). Yes, some men are shallow, and yes those of us with mast's are sensitive to seeing boobs everywhere, and, seeing men looking at boobs. But really, I think most men would prefer hugs, compassion, someone who knows baseball, or can cook or can play bridge (whatever it is that they are really look for). The ones looking for boobs will get a booby trap! I think husbands just really don't know how to be supportive sometimes. They are a different species. Mine floats in and out of being supportive ....making me feel guilty that he has to take a day off work for when I have had surgery ..then actually goes and gets the sports bras I needed! The husbands that cannot deal with the bc treatment and jump ship, well, maybe this is a good thing. You move on to a new a BETTER life without him, and he must live with what he has given up and what he has become. So sorry about the sense of loss  ..{HUG}. Hang in there. I know about the still loving him. Yes, you love the "old" him at that is fine. And you can always love him. But that "him" is now gone. -Anne |
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ausborn Joined: Jul 2002 Posts: 453 |
Jun 10, 2007 07:28 am
ausborn wrote:
Thank you Anne, Your words are very thoughtful and encouraging. I do have 'moments' when I feel more positive about myself and the situation. I pray that those 'moments' will become hours, days, etc. Beating down bc three times was quite difficult but this situation has just been so devastating. "Time heals all wounds"....but some days this wound is fresh and raw. But I will survive! I am holding on with my faith. Thank you for your kindness. Beth |
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RobinTN Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1467 |
Jun 10, 2007 06:02 pm RobinTN wrote: I wanted to share my good news with all of you.As of memorial day I am officialy NED..Now I can get on with my life and get rid of the EVIL.Now all I have to do is have recon sugery.I start monthly herceptin tomorrow.I feel so good about the future.I just know it is going to work out and I am going to find happiness again. |
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ausborn Joined: Jul 2002 Posts: 453 |
Jun 10, 2007 07:17 pm
ausborn wrote:
Oh, Robin, I am so happy for you! How exciting!! Congratulations. You deserve some positive things in your life. Gotta love NED! Beth |