Topic: What's wrong with my husband?

Wendy,

I love that you can call a jerk, a jerk. 

Marraige sure isn't easy.

Okay everybody, here comes the old sage! What I think is happening is this. Men since cave men, have the job (in their minds) of keeping the family safe. Safe from Mastodons, other tribesmen, floods, etc. Now fast forward. They can't keep us safe from cancer. So what do they do? They get mad. Silly reaction, but think caveman. They are completely frustrated because they did not do their job! It was not their job, but think cave man. Mutter this under your breath. I think this is what is happening a lot. They feel threatened because they could not keep the (cancer) mastodon from getting to their wives.

This is silly, but it isn't.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

men are from mars. Most are just plain "unknowing".  And what we don't know scares us. And when we are scared we either lash out or shut down. Fortunatly for me I have discovered my purpose in life.

We have daughters, 19 and 20 years old. Its sad, but chances are they will have to deal with their own breast cancer issues in the future. I honestly believe that the reason I am on the earth is to help my wife get through this current cancer battle and handle it with as much compassion and dignity as possible, so our daughters can take this experience and use it for when they are faced with similar (God forbid) circumstance. My purpose for living is right now! To help my wife teach our daughters the ultimate in life lessons.

Good Vibes!! 

I got good vibes from you "good vibes"

Your wife and your daughters are truly blessed to have someone so supportive by their side.

Wow, Im so glad I found this site!!!!!!!!

I didnt realize other womens husbands were being JERKS to.

I think my husbands problem is hes SPOILED!! For 20 yrs Ive taking care of everything. Until my diagnoses he had never taken a child to the doctor or even been to a teacher conference.(we have 3 children). I grocery shopped, cooked, refereed, cleaned, worked paid the bills etc  Blaaa Blaaa Blaaa.

Now Im learning to let go and let him start to have some responsibility.And boy he does not like it.

Dont get me wrong Im not doing anything mean here but He can cook once in a while to, Ya know.

Well hes grown alot from the experience but hes said some really nasty s**t  to me out of anger and frustration. Most recently after my 5th chemo. I was sick for 4 days (dont know why). I did what I could to help out but I didnt push myself. On day # 4 While dressing the girls he said " If you cant take care of your own kids we'll have to adopt them out or something"

                                CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

 P.S. they are both our kids!

H e later apologized but I cant seem to get past that!

He goes thru the house grumbling and cussing under his breath.

Ive tried to talk to him and he says hes just Mad and doesnt know what to do about it.

I cant stand living with his negativity, I feel like we should be thankful for everyday and enjoy every moment as much as possible.

And I dont know what to do about THAT.

Any suggestions. 

WOW!...that's my first impression.....WOW!

I got diagnosed 4 wks ago and my hubby has been great, but over the weekend we had our first "want our lives back" arguement.

WOW!

- Sam x

Hi Kimmie,

You dh sound like mine! We WILL have stresses in life (bc or not). Bc comes along WITH the regular marriage/life stresses and just amplifies everything (make sit all seem worse). It sounds as though the way you dh reacts (whether defensive, stressed) is just like mine: Anger. Humans will react  when stressed or defensive with: Sadness, anger, blame-shift, silence/withdrawl, and a 5th one (I forget!). Don' you hate anger? Wouldn't you love some compassion and empathy? I say this because this is what I want, and I have somewhat turned around a bit and "stopped" wanting this.

I look at the +s, the things I do appreciate my DH doing. I am sure to show gratitude. I ignore those stabbing critical remarks (sometimes I think he wants to see a reaction). I *choose* whether I react to those comments, and lately I just chose not to react at all.

So, this is what seems to be unfolding: I know my dh will be critical and say those remarks that hurt. But, I chose not to react, just let them go. I just react in a positive way for all that he does do. I stay out of a resentful 'pit' and he actually behaves a bit better, and we never enter the "why did you say that?" conversation. He was like this when I married him, I should not expect him to change. 

Mind you, we are having to "learn this" through some counseling!

So, you cold try counseling. Even is he does not go, you can go.

I am real sorry about that comment he made. I'd be willing to bet he didn't mean it. Maybe he is scared of a serious conversation, like, "Honey, we should discuss what are wishes are for the kids should sometihng happen to both of us". Now that is a heavy one that would be tough for any couple. We humans will throw those hurtful remarks out when there is something bigger underneath that is of greater concern.

Be sure to look at him through the lens of LOVE (rather than bitterness or resentment). That way you will come out better yourself,

Anne

Thanks Gals,

I really needed to hear your uplifting comments.

I know he's sorry.

It just hurt really bad AND made me feel betrayed.

Anne - I never thought about the "whats going to happen to our kids talk"

I mean he said he would take care of them and I assumed that was all I could expect. Maybe your right. Maybe hes afraid of that enormous responsibility. ESPECIALLY sense hes been so coddled for so long.

I had NO idea the jerky husband thing was happening to other bc sisters as well.  

It makes me rethink my reaction to my dh . I couldnt imiagine ANYONE saying such mean spirited awful things. But as you have shown me it does happen a there might be a reasonable excuse for it.

Thanks again.

Hugs in Va

KIM 

So sorry you gals are having to go through this.   My dh has been very supportive although he seems to have gone back into his own little world now that things have died down (I'm almost done with chemo).  We have always been different (knew that going in) in that he gets upset at little things and I am very easy going.  After what I have been through, I have changed in that even less bothers me now.  And that drives him crazy! 

He was carrying something down the stairs a few days ago while talking on the phone and he banged up our wall which has a very expensive custom paint job on it.  I heard him tell his friend - my wife is going to be pissed!  Truth is he was pissed - I could care less and I told him so.  He can't believe I don't care about those things.  I didn't say it, but was about to say there could be a hundred marks in the wall and I wouldn't care - I'm alive and here for my children and that's all I care about!!!  I like what Anne said about choosing your reactions.  In the past, I would get really upset when he got mad about something because I am not that way.  Now, I choose not to.  It's not worth it to my health.  I choose to be happy and care about what's important to me.

I know that doesn't help much to those who have husbands making cruel remarks.  I would advise those gals to get some counseling.  I haven't tried it, but I would think that it couldn't hurt to try.  I also like sharebear's ideas of letters.  I am way better at talking about emotional issues in writing and I would think some men may be also.   Even if not, sometimes writing things down and getting it all out really helps.

As to Angeleyes remarks about friends that don't call.  I actually had a friend send me an email yesterday giving me a hard time for not calling him in awhile - told me I was a fake friend!!  He contacted me when I had just come back to work after surgery and he told me to call him when things at work settled down (we were in budget mode and I was really busy at work).  Sorry, I didn't get around to calling him but I have been dealing with chemo, working, raising my kids, etc!!!!  I guess his phone broke!  Sometimes people are unbelievable.  I chose to ignore his email thus far.

I hope everyone has a good day! 

Hi Sherrill,

"How do I get him to talk about it?"
=> good question. Whatever works. The answer may be something different for each man.

Possible answers may be:

- ask him to go to counseling with you... then throw the topic in front of a counselor. The counselor may teach you both how to discuss the topic with each othre in a fair, safe manner.

- Maybe your dh might like to see your thoughts written? (Lots of men are visual). Sometimes the *same* sentence written down has different meaning than if it were heard.

It is only normal for you to treasure more deeply your relationship with your kids after the dx. How about also the relationship with your husband?

Change is a challenge for relationships; and bc is a very difficult change. Maybe a good place to start with the dh is to try a few bc "vacations", ie, reconnect with dh doing things together you enjoyed before bc so that he knows the "old you" is still there. even something simple: find an old photo of an event you two had. Print it (email ...) or frame it and maybe say something like "you really enjoyed this time".

These are just some thoughts. I am *still* trying ...but I will say that it is getting better. The "better" part I think is me ...I am getting better in loving the way in which he, in his own way, *tries* to support me through the battle.

Hugs ...hope...perseverance,

Anne