Topic: My sister doesn't want to hear about my bc

Hi honey, my sister was the worst of the worst. She was so bad, it truly was funny. I called her to tell her I had breast cancer and she said and I quote: "Well, that's what you get for having all those mammograms". I did not hear from her again for weeks. I was shocked and stunned, and very hurt.

Now, I suspect this is not the issue at all with your sister. She is scared half silly she will get BC too. She can't tell you that, it sounds so petty, but when you talk about it, she has to face this issue, even for a few moments. I suspect this is what is going on. I would just about bet on it. Sheesh, nothing about this dang experience is easy!

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

Hi Geebung, I have a twin sister who is not interested in being a part of my life. She told me I 'hide' behind my illness. (which couldn't be further than the truth). She also told me I have this disease because I take 'chemicals'. Meaning the chemo's made me ill. She, who smoked throughout her pregnancy and who has had breast implants. I tried to explain that the chemo I was on (taxotere) derives from the bark of a tree.

Basically, it's called toxic family relationships and I've long since stopped longing for my sister to behave like a sister. I've had a letter posted in my postbox which would put the average person into therapy for the rest of thier lives.

I've stepped right back from her and from others like her. It's so much gentler. We have too much to have to contend with.

I too have 2 sets of parents who are very demanding and who have not made provisions for themselves in their twighlight years. We become the parents. In the words of a very wise person: 'Its their journey through life' not ours. The best we can do is to love them and not to take on their problems. Basically, I've put all my energy into my husband and my two sons and all my very special friends.

It's unacceptable for family to be unsupportive of each other, and yet its always those of us who are the ones who hold their hands because we know what it's like not to be supported.

Take care,

I really feel for all of us, who have sisters or family who are not supporting us. This is the time we need them. My younger sister looks just like me and we always dress in the same color when ever we use to get together and we did not know what the other person was wearing. And we also can finish each others sentences. Everyone always called us twins. all I know is that I miss my twin and I hope one day we can patch things up. I hope the best for you to Riverinerabbit. At least we all have each other.

Take care

Just an update on my mother. She was finally moved to a nursing home today. She is giving my sister a really hard time about it and making her feel very guilty. The nursing home is only a few minutes from where my sister lives so I am hoping she doesn't run herself ragged, running backwards and forwards trying to passify our poor, difficult little mother. She (mum) has always used emotional blackmail and threats on her kids. Now she is old and frail and she is still doing it. My sister and I feel so sorry for her as she makes herself miserable with her brooding and regrets about her life. I so wish she could be at peace and reflect with some fondness on her life but she lies in her bed and works herself into a frenzy of misery and then takes it out on my sister. I think she has been depressed for most of her life but she will not admit it and won't take antidepressants. Anyway, that's enough venting for tonight! Phew - talk about opening the floodgates! 

gb 

Wow, 5graces, your situation is so close to mine.  We finally put my beloved father in a nursing home 2 weeks before I was diagnosed.  My parents also live(d) next door to me.  My mother said to me "You can't get sick; you're supposed to be taking care of us!"  She's always said she wasn't Florence Nightengale...no joke, she never even warmed up a bowl of chicken noodle soup for me, although she inquired solicitously if there was anything she could do for me and then ran the other way.  Bitter....?  I may have to come back and delete this post...  Anyway, all of you with the family problems; my heart goes out to you.  We really need the love now.  Thank God for my husband and children.

EyesOTex and 5graces, being a carer is one of the most stressful life situations. My heart really goes out to you. On top of the stresses of living with or close to an aged parent/s you have to deal with your own breast cancer - a time when you need support and time to deal with the ups and downs of dx, treatments and all the emotional stuff that goes with it. Please don't feel guilty about venting here. You absolutely must have an outlet. My sister used to feel guilty about going out to coffee with her friends and venting to them. She used to say "This is my mother I am criticising - it's so wrong of me!" But she continued to care for her, doing everything she could for her and largely not responding to her unpleasant jibes. I think that is real love - when you care for someone who is just impossibly difficult and hard to like. It is important for your own mental health to have an outlet for your pent up emotions.

My mother also has a social phobia and has been like that most of her life. The strange thing is, she has never had difficulty attracting friends as she can appear to be very warm and charming. She is also now very deaf and  everything is exaggerated by her increasing dementia. She often says she wishes she was dead. We realise that she has been depressed for most of her life but wouldn't admit it and still won't. My sister and I feel a mixture of compassion and frustration - if only she would drop her guard and not deny how she feels - she could be helped but she thinks everybody is in a conspiracy against her.

5graces, my heart aches for you. Do you ever get a break? Can you get someone to be there on a regular basis so you can get away and do something just for you?

EyesOTex, does your mother still live with you - or near you? If so, do you have time off? I think that those who haven't had a good, nurturing, reciprocating relationship with their mothers have a sense of loss and grief. 

Don't feel guilty about venting - you need to let it out.

hugs,

gb 

Thank you sooo much geebung....how I needed those kind words!  No there is no one to take over for me.  When I was first diagnosed we got home health services for her for a few weeks but she didn't like that...stangers in her house...so she wouldn't let them do anything for her and continued demanding I come right over at the drop of a hat to do some little something for her even when I was going thru chemo...cut her hair, cut her toenails, put pictures in picture frames for her, it really got pretty rediculous at times and it always has to be done right now!  I too think my mom (she is 79 years)  has always had a social phobia but like yours she seems very friendly and outgoing (has quite a social life over the phone)but has always been very much stay at home, my dad did all grocery shopping.  Again your kind words mean so much, I usually don't say much about my situation and I actually felt guilty abount venting here. Thanks again, it does help to talk about it. (I do have a very supportive and understanding husband.) 

I can certainly understand this.  My younger sister was the same way after I was diagnosed.  She would say things such as "don't think you're special,'' etc.  Silly in the grand scheme of it, but I also knew she was saying it out of her own anger and fear for me.  This same sister, in turn, organized the family for the "Making Strides" walk this past October and had everyone wear signs that they were walking in honor of me.

My mother, on the other hand, has been a different story - I can't take my hat/scarf off around her, which upsets me, to be honest.  She seems to be getting better adjusted as the hair grows back, and there have been times that I have simply told her to look away because someone else wanted to see how the hair was growing back or what not.

Groups like this one have been a life saver...while I may never see the faces of anyone on this board, I know I am not alone in this walk.

Thanks sheshe. Well, my sister has finally booked in to have a mammogram & u/s in early January! About time too!

Kagaines, I guess everyone shows love in a different way and it is heartwarming that your sister organised that walk and honored you like that.

It is sad that your mother won't look at you with your scarf off. She may have grown up at a time when women were expected to hide their pregnancies and anything out of the ordinary, injury or disability had to be disguised or covered up. My mother has always been that way.

When she was living with me a few years ago, her step daughter came to stay with us when she was in the middle of chemo for bc. It was summer and as soon as she got in the door, she took her wig off. My mother was horrifed!

When my father was dying from non-Hodgkins lymphoma, she was also in denial and refused to mention the word cancer. She even found it difficult to visit him in the last few weeks in the hospice. I think it is so much better emotionally, to confront things. As you can see from my upbringing, I sometimes find it easier to deny things too but I think I am gradually getting better! 

I am so glad we have this forum to discuss things like this.

Love,

gb