I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Febuary 21st was my one year cancer free anniversery. He really did not care and in fact pretty much said it was crap, because I still have pain in my arm and so on...He has been really nasty lately and I am thinking of getting a divorce...things just aren't the same anymore. I have 4 children and have not worked since the surgery. Does anyone know if there is help out there for us surviors in this sitation? Anyone else going through this. It is funny because at first he was awesome and so supportive...he just seems to be sick of it now, but I do not understand why. I live my life no different now than I did before the surgery, yet he tells me I want to be sick and act life I am permantely disabled...I really just don't get it and am not sure what to do at this point.
Thanks everyone for listening.
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RIV54 Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 200 |
Feb 24, 2008 10:18 pm
RIV54 wrote:
I know from my own experience that not everyone understands what happens to us when we've gone through the dx and then the treatments. Some think that because you've gone through chemo and radiation that your life should go back to 'normal'. They don't know that you may still be experiencing pain from surgery or residual and cumulative effects from those treatments and you're tired, not because you want to be but because your body has been poisoned and irradiated and that has taken a toll on you physically and emotionally. Maybe your husband needs some therapy himself. Try to find out why he is suddenly feeling and acting the way he is. you don't need any more stress this time in your life, but if you can save your marriage it may be worth it to you. My husband has been very supportive but I know there are times when he just doesn't get it. Good luck and keep on the sunny side. Gina
Dx 3/9/2007, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIIa, 6/25 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- |
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jpann39 Joined: Dec 2006 Posts: 2603 |
Feb 25, 2008 12:19 am
jpann39 wrote:
Eightblueeyes Im not positive but Im pretty sure you and I use to talk here when you were first dx'd.... I hadnt seen a post from you in a really long time, but I lost some of my list when they changed the boards and always hoped to run across you again... Im happy to hear you appear to be doing well in the bc world, but really sad to hear of the troubles with your husband....this damn disease is so cruel to us that its hard to fathom... Im not sure where you were located but I thought you were near me??? Dont know if it will help but Ive kind of been in your shoes...Its been a little over a year now and I have no understanding of how these things happen and how someone can change almost over night it seems... Jule If you think you cant do something, its a sure thing you CAN!!!!!
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Sierra Joined: Feb 2004 Posts: 4630 |
Feb 25, 2008 12:26 am
Sierra wrote:
I am sorry to hear this
The time is NOW!
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roseg Joined: Sep 2004 Posts: 7490 |
Feb 25, 2008 06:37 am
roseg wrote:
Great news on one year NED! It's an anniversary that probably means more to you than your husband, which doesn't mean that he doesn't care. Now that you're finishing up treatment, what's with your arm? Is it time to work on getting your strength back there? It does take a long time, but it won't happen if you don't put some activity back into it. Can you talk to a PT and see what can be done? Rose
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Jenniferz Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 244 |
Feb 25, 2008 10:32 am
Jenniferz wrote:
I agree with roseq...what is up with that arm? LE? And, maybe, just maybe, your husband is just scared of what the future could hold...not what it WILL hold for you as you move forward in better health. They just don't express themselves, and sometimes need help doing so. Congrats on the 1 year anniversary!!! That is just awsome!!! Jennifer |
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ijl Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 668 |
Feb 26, 2008 02:29 am
ijl wrote:
Hi eightblueeyes, Congratulations on your anniversary. Feb 21st is when they called me bck for my mammo a year ago. I can understand it must be difficult for you to have your husband treat you this way. But since you have 4 kids and for 10 years he seemed to be a decnet guy, perhaps it is a marriage worth fighting for, how about couple counseling ? Perhaps a therapist can help your DH open up, men are not good in sharing their feelings and perhaps you are not getting the whole picture. |
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Chelee Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 915 |
Feb 26, 2008 03:50 am
Chelee wrote:
My husband could of cared less when I recently announced I hit a major milestone by hitting my 2 yr cancerversary since I am a stage III'er with positive nodes and her2, 3+++. He just looked at me like "So what"? He didn't say a word and continued watching TV. I THOUGHT he might say something nice like he is glad I'm still here for one thing. Or want to take me out to dinner to celebrate. Boy were my expectations high. The joke was on me. It was hurtful so I can relate to how your feeling. I hear from so many women with these wonderful supportive husbands...and I dream of having one just like that. My husband was helpful at times..but then other times he was so nasty and darned right mean like I got bc on purpose to mess up his life. I remember once DURING chemo sitting on the couch and I hadn't slept due to steriods the day before and I felt so sick from the chemo. Couldn't eat or anything. I was almost falling asleep sitting up on the couch because I was just exhausted from the day before and my husbands says "IS THIS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TOO...YOU FALLING BEING SICK & FALLING ASLEEP"!!! He was so angry and pissed off. I will never forget that...and believe me that is just one example. So my heart REALLY goes out to you "eightblueyes". I know of other women with the same complaint as you and me. :( Its very sad. Your not alone in this unfortunetly. I don't know how our husbands can be this way? But let me CONGRATULATE you on your one year cancerversary. Here's to you having another 50 plus some. :) Hugs! Chelee Dx 12-05, Stage IIIA, Er & Pr pos, 5 of 16 pos nodes.
Dx 12/20/2005, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 3, 5/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ |
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lLinda Joined: Dec 2007 Posts: 124 |
Feb 26, 2008 11:36 pm, edited Feb 26, 2008 11:39 PM
by lLinda
lLinda wrote:
HELLO EIGHTBLLUEEYES, I TOO HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT MEN--MY HUSBAND OF 42 YEARS HAS BEEN VERY SUPPORTIVE IN THESE 9 YEARS--YET I THINK, HES' GOT TO BE TIRED. I DO ALL THE THINGS I CAN FOR MYSELF AND TRY NOT TO HAVE HAD THINGS ANY DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE CANCER--BUT I TOO HAVE HEARD SOME UGLY THINGS IN THIS TIME--SOMETIMES HE WILL COME BACK AND TELL ME "HE GETS SCARED"--OK,COMES OUT WRONG--BUT IT IS NOT WHAT WE NEED TO HEAR AND WHILE YOU HATE TO WISH THINGS NOT SO NICE ON PEOPLE--YOU THINK, IF YOU HAD TO WALK IN THESE SHOES--THAT WOULD BE THE FROSTING ON THE CAKE--IN THE MEANTIME--IT IS NECESSARY WE TAKE CARE OF OUR SELVES AND THAT MEANS CELEBRATING ONES' SELVES AND OUR ANNIVESARIES IF NECESSARY--MAKE IT YOUR DAY--IF IT WAS A WORK DAY FOR HIM--I DID SOMETHING NICE AND FUN FOR ME--I THINK IF WE DON'T LOOK FOR SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE, WE TEND TO HURT LESS WHEN IT IS NOT THERE--THIS IS ONE OF MY SAFETY VALVES FOR ME. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU--BE GOOD TO YOU--TAKES PRACTICE BUT IT FEELS GOOD AND WE LEARN TO COUNT ON OTHERS LESS WHEN THESE THINGS HAPPEN!!! IT TAKES ENERGIES WE NEED TO FIGHT WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH--DON'T GIVE 'EM AWAY FREELY!! GIVE YOURSELF A HUG AND MOVE ON!!!! LINDA C LINDA C
Dx DCIS, 1cm, Stage IIIa, 6/ nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ |
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carolmoore2… Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 24 |
Feb 28, 2008 04:26 am
carolmoore291169 wrote:
WELL DONE FOR REACHING YOUR FIRST YEAR.....I CANT IMAGINE WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR YOU NOT HAVING YOUR HUSBANDS SUPPORT AND THAT MAKES ME QUITE ANGRY. WHEN IT WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY FIRST YEAR I BOOKED A TABLE FOR MY PARTNER AND MY CHILDREN AND WE WENT FOR A MEAL TO CELEBRATE.DO YOU HAVE A MACMILLAN NURSE WHO YOU COULD CONFIDE IN THEY ARE A GREAT HELP AND ARE ALWAYS WILLING TO LISTEN NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL YOUR PROBLEM IS .US LADIES ARE BEHIND YOU DONT FORGET THAT YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN TAKE CARE...CAROL |
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anneshirley… Joined: Jan 2008 Posts: 607 |
Feb 28, 2008 11:21 pm, edited Feb 28, 2008 11:22 PM
by anneshirley
anneshirley wrote:
Congratulations on your year out, and I'm so sorry for your pain. Perhaps your husband is in pain himself, still scared and even angry at what's happened to you, and also to him. Whenever I think my husband has a problem I go into a panic, even more than I do for myself. I tend to overreact. If you've had a good relationship up until now it may just be his fear you're sensing. I also think that our families want to believe that after all the treatments are done, it's done. And when that doesn't happen they also go into a depression. I seem to remember reading a post from a woman who had had a wonderful relationship with her husband that seemed to be going south until she pushed him into seeing someone. Your husband may be depressed and needing help the same as we so often do. But again, I'm so happy for you that you're a year out--a very important day. Dx 6/10/2006, IDC, <1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ |
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snowyday Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 1244 |
Feb 29, 2008 12:06 pm
snowyday wrote:
Make your own anniversary party call your good girlfriends and go out and enjoy. If your hubby asks why the celebrations tell then go have fun with the girls. He should have read a bit on this site. Happy Anniversary. and if I could send you a cosmo I would. Pearl PN
Dx 5/18/2007, IDC, 3cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, / nodes, mets, ER-/PR-, HER2- |
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