Topic: How to tell young child?

Anne-Sophie,

So sorry that you have to go through this.  I feel telling our kids was the hardest part of the bc thus far.  My kids were 11 and 8 and we sat down and told them we had to have a talk.  We told them Mom has breast cancer and is going to be going to many appointments to get some treatment to take the bad cells out of her body.  We told them I would be having surgery later and then we kind of listed the things that would change...no hair, more tired, other people in our house, but we also told them the things that would not change...we love you, we will not lie to you about what is going on, you will still have friends over, we will still do fun stuff but it might not be as often or for as long as before depending on how Mom feels.  The 11 year old said she already knew something was wrong from all the appointments I'd been going to, and she cried.  The 8 year old told the entire neighborhood about it and was very much into asking questions.  I am now 5 months out from my last chemo, had surgery and finished rads Feb 22 and life is starting to feel normal again.  I think it is important once you tell your daughter to frequently ask if she has any questions and keep her teachers in the know.   I would respond to her questions but be aware of not giving more info than their little heads can handle.  When my kids asked what kind of surgery, we told them but did not go into a lot of details.  My parents came and stayed with us for treatment weeks and surgery and when I told the kids recently they were coming for a visit, they both went white and said,"whats wrong now?"  So for as resiliant as kids are, it weighs heavily on them.  There may be a group or resource at your cancer center that can help you with any issues that come up.  Good luck and let us know how you are doing.  This website is great for support and you may find yourself coming back frequently just to read.  I know I did.

Diane

Honey, the only problem with not telling any age child, that can talk, is, they hear.  They have antennas and hear everything, that private phone conversation where you cried, the hushed tones and worried looks.  They IMAGINE much worse than if you just tell them.  Well, I have cancer (it is important to say the word) but I will be well.  I need you to: Take out the trash, feed the dog, dry the dishes, empty the dishwasher, whatever fits their age group.  They know something is up and will worry more if you say nothing or try to hide the cancer part.

My favorite story is one of our sisters sat all the kids down and told them, then said they would go to Disneyland after she was well.  She had a variety of ages of her kids.

The littlest one went out on the porch and literally shouted to all the neighbors; "My mom has cancer and we're going to Disneyland".  They all broke up laughing.

Point being, they will know anyway, and worry less is you are honest to their age.  A little knowledge for the little ones, more for the older ones and teens, let them ask. 

DO NOT worry about crying, honest fear they understand, lying to them, they don't understand.

Good luck, gentle hugs, Shirlann

Hi Anne,

You should check the bookstore...there are several books that help you discuss cancer or being sick with children. They put the story into the age the child can understand.  I read one at the store to see how they told the story. I was very impressed.  Don't underestimate the stregth or smarts of a child.  Good luck that is going to be a hard one ...just be honest and positive.

Daphne, I agree that your kids need to know what is going on -- I think it will be scarier and harder for them if they don't understand what their mom is going through.  I had a very wise piece of advice from the social worker at the hospital where I'm getting treatment: You don't have to tell children everything, but everything you tell them should be the truth. (Actually, I think this is good advice for parenting in general.)  I don't mean that it's not ok to tell them that you'll be ok in the end even if you are afraid that this may not be the truth -- because the truth is, most of us do come out on the other side and live out our lives (and I'm certainly not planning for any other path!).

My son is younger than your kids (he turned 7 in March) but I've found that short, not-too-heavy conversations inserted when it feels right have worked better than sitting down to have "the talk."  When I first told him about cancer and surgery, he listened briefly to my explanation but soon got up and started bouncing around the room.  Right around when I was dx, his father (we're separated) had a bad case of kidney stones.  Even though the comparison isn't remotely medically accurate, I tried to explain that just like Papa needed to get those little rocks out of his body, I needed to get the "bump" out of my breast, but they needed to do surgery to take it out.  Also, he had just been watching the Magic School Bus episode where they take a journey through the inside of the body, so I tried to use this to help him to understand. 

Then when I started chemo in March, I described it like a "crazy medicine" that will make me sicker before it makes me better, and I tried to make it sound silly that soon he would have a "bald Mom."  He was sort of freaked out for a few days but at this point, he is the person who is least bothered by my hair loss -- honestly, I still can't look in the mirror at my bald head without cringing but he isn't bothered by it at all. I have not yet told him about my upcoming mastectomy - I think it's better to wait until a few weeks before, so that he knows what the plan will be for him while I'm recovering (he's going to stay with his father for 2-3 weeks) and can process the information, since at his age he's just getting the concepts of dates and waiting, etc.  Obviously this is different for your children since they are older.

Sorry for writing a book - I know our experiences aren't identical, but I hope some of this is helpful.  I also agree with what Shirlann said about treatment and survival rates being VERY different now than they were a decade ago.  I hope this will be a big reassurance to your kids, especially the 12-year-old who can really understand such things.

Good luck!

Thanks for all the kind words. I am hoping to talk to the kids tomorrow.