I am new to this site. I have a serious problem within my house now and i'm not quite sure how to handle it. I was diagnosed in October of 2007. Since then my husband has and will not touch me, tell me he loves me or compliment me in any way. Since that diagnosed we have slept in seperate bedrooms. Even during the devistating situations,like hearing the final diagnosis, losing my hair during chemo, and finallylosing my breasts, he has never once hugged me or told me that he loved me. I am in the stage of a post double mastectomy, and I feel like if he couldn't be there through the rough periods then why should I allow him to be there for the ending.
Please help;
brandy 2006
| Posts 1 - 5 (5 total) | |
|---|---|
|
SLH Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 509 |
May 1, 2008 01:35 am
SLH wrote:
I'm sorry, Brandy, that you don't have your husband's support. We have to endure so much to get through treatment. When I had my bilateral blues after surgery 3 years ago, I said to my husband "I won't blame you for wanting to leave me because I'm such a mess now." He kind of got mad at me, and said never to think that way again. He said, "Would you leave me if I had cancer?" I can see that your husband might be afraid. Afraid of your illness, afraid of what to say, afraid of failing you. Maybe they have counselling at your cancer center that could help you two discuss your relationship? sally |
|
faithandfif… Joined: Mar 2007 Posts: 1005 |
May 1, 2008 07:55 am
faithandfifty wrote:
brandy, i'm so sorry for the additional suffering created by your husband's inability to support you thru this journey. sally's suggestion of seeking support & counseling for him -- for the two of you is helpful. i know that when you're hurting already, that this additional strain must feel like more than you can bear. know that you are not alone here..... there are so many others who've expressed similar stories. i hope that they find your thread and are able to offer you the support and understanding that you deserve. in the meantime, know that i am holding your situation in my heart and will ask the angels to send some help. |
|
roseg Joined: Sep 2004 Posts: 7435 |
May 1, 2008 10:37 am
roseg wrote:
What did he say when you talk to him about it? Sometimes you can get into a standoff where neither side will make the first move. Rose
|
|
SISKimberly… Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 616 |
May 1, 2008 10:59 am
SISKimberly wrote:
Brandi- I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing a lack of support from your husband. It is true that your husband is shut down because he doesn't know what to do, what to say, or how to comfort you. He may also be angry that cancer has entered your lives and scared he may lose you, so he's pulling away. Have you been able to work through tough stuff together prior to this? Was he communicative and outwardly affectionate prior to this? If so, then you've just got to remind him of that. If not, then changing him now is probably not a realistic option. First, let me congratulate you for reaching out. Second, I totally agree with suggesting to your husband that maybe you two should seek some counseling in order to deal with this life altering situation that has interrupted the life you were leading. Third, know that whatever happens, you and your well being have to be top priority right now. Have you tried saying something like, " I know that cancer didn't just happen to me. I know that this is effecting you greatly. Not being able to support me through this very difficult time is evidence of that, and it hurts me deeply. I love you, and I don't want to continue living as strangers. There are counseling services offered at our cancer center (or the American Cancer Society or wherever it is offered in your area), and I would love for us to work through this together. Are you willing to go with me?" If yes, whoohoo. If no, then go yourself and get the support you need. I hope your family and friends have been there in your husband's absence. FYI, I was dx in Oct. 07 as well. I also had a bilateral mastectomy. I just finished chemotherapy. What's next on your treatment path? Good luck, sweetie. SIS (Sister In Survival) Kimberly Life is a journey that sometimes takes unexpected detours...but detours that often turn out to be the best parts of the trip. SIS Kimberly
Dx 10/10/2007, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 4/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
|
kes Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 383 |
May 1, 2008 11:51 am
kes wrote:
Hi Brandi, I was also diagnosed in Oct 2007 and had bilateral mast. with tissue expanders in Jan 2008. Also am married. I think that some form of marriage counselling could help you and DH if he is willing to go. This is too big to try and handle on your own. Your health and healing comes first, but you also need him to help you get through this time. A third impartial party could help greatly. Ask him if he is willing to go to counselling with you. If he is not then go on your own. At the least it will teach you how to communicate effectively. Is there any way that the 2 of you can get sleeping in the same bed again? There is such a loss of any form of intimacy when the 2 of you are in different bedrooms. You could tell him that you are lonely sleeping by yourself and could he please move back in the bedroom, that you miss him and what you had and need his support at this time. Talk to him about how you feel. I hope things work out for the 2 of you. Let us know how it goes. Best of Luck, Kerry |
© 2008 Breastcancer.org. All rights reserved.