Topic: had a masectomy told half truth to mom
Log in to post a replyPosts: 13
- Posted on: May 11, 2008 03:48 pm
Hey .I decided not to tell the cancer part to mom only to tell the hospital truth ( 83 year old mom). I had a surgery last month for something unrelated. we used that as a buffer ( procedure didn't work well ,have to do it again.) My sister and I decided mom should'nt be put through the upset on mother's day weekend in another state. I feel I made the right choice as far as the lead up to the surgery, but now that I'm home and not celebrating with her makes me feel like a selfish daughter. Of course I didn't ask for this diagnosis and she doesn't know of it ,but it's inate, guilt. As far as recovery,the pain of the lymph node removal is out weighing the masectomy. the stinging is annoying but it is all manageable. I'm not in agony, just discomfort. emotionally and physically.
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AnnNYC Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 1597 |
May 11, 2008 04:20 pm
AnnNYC wrote:
Cureme, that's rough. You're certainly not a selfish daughter! At some point, maybe you will want to tell your mother, maybe at a point when you CAN spend some time together. In the meantime, you can just say how much you missed her on mother's day, but your doctor told you not to travel yet, or something. I'm sure you ARE missing her. Hope you take it easy and feel a little better every day. Hugs, Ann Dx 3/9/2007, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/5 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- |
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pod1257 Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 96 |
May 11, 2008 08:03 pm
pod1257 wrote:
Cureme- I did the very same thing when I was dxed in 06. My mom was 82 when I was dxed. She is a huge worrier re health issues (kind of gloom and doom). She is also a breast cancer survivor of 28 yrs, so I was worried she might think she had "given this to me." She lives out of state, so I figured she wouldn't have to know. In the end, she found out accidently, anyway. - My mother-inlaw sent her a Christmas card and said "Julie is doing so well with her treatments." - Huh? My mom went nuts and called immediately. After she calmed down, we talked and she actually was touched that I had tried to spare her the worry ect. It was almost a relief when she found out, because my DH, 2 kids and 2 siblings and their families were all trying to "keep the secret." Anyway, hope you are healing well and next Mother's day is better. Sounds like you do plan on telling your mom, when the time is right. I was hoping to keep mine a secret forever, but in the end it worked out better for her to know the truth. - Since she had br. cancer too, we could talk more about family hx and compare notes (not necessarily something you want to have in common, with your mom.) Julie |
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geebung Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 1016 |
May 12, 2008 06:52 am
geebung wrote:
Cureme, you are definitely not selfish - more like selfless! I'm sure you would love to have the comfort and support of your mother - if she was younger and more resilient. I don't think we ever outgrow the need to be mothered - especially at times like this. Yet you have chosen to put her feelings ahead of your own. Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are protecting her. My mother didn't find out about my bc and mastectomy until several months afterwards. She is 91, frail and has early dementia. My sister, who lives in the same city as she does, told her and I flew to see her a few weeks after that. My mum told my sister that she is glad that she didn't know earlier as she would have worried too much. I know what you mean about the snb wound. Mine was a lot more painful than the mastectomy. It wasn't really bad but yes, stingy and uncomfortable. Gentle hugs, gb |
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ADK Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 2144 |
May 12, 2008 10:13 am
ADK wrote:
Cureme, I think you did the right thing. I only had two lumpectomies and the SNB, but i did not tell my Dad about it at all. My Mom was already gone when I was dx. My Dad was in a nursing home and had dementia. I did not see any reason to burden him with this. He has since passed away and I still do not regret not telling him. I do know what you mean about the SNB -it is uncomfortable but it will pass. {Hugs} Anne
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cureme1 Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 13 |
May 12, 2008 10:36 am
cureme1 wrote:
Thank you all for you comments. I woke up crying today , overly sensitive, all the medication. your comments really helped. My mom is so happy today she recieved my gifts and is so up. Why even go there with her. The stingy under arm has turned to heat. almost like touching a hot tea kettle. The exercises make it hurt but my movement is getting beter. Thanks again for your support |
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roseg Joined: Sep 2004 Posts: 7490 |
May 12, 2008 08:42 pm
roseg wrote:
Sometimes I think the cultural cards are stacked against us! How come you feel bad for not telling your Mom something? You're the one it happened to! The most important thing is that you have support. You have us and it sounds like you've talked with your sister. If your telling your Mom would be a "negative support" move then don't -- and don't feel bad about it! Keep moving your arm gently, it takes a long time to get better, but it will. Rose
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