Topic: hubby just doesn't get it

Bilat, expanders, infection, replacement, drain, pain, exhausted mother and wife...I can't imagine.  Please don't give up.  I've prayed for additional strength to make it through this unexpected hurdle that's been placed in your path.

Ok I tried!!!!!!

HE IS AN A$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im sorry Held but you need to tell him to grow up!!!! To me it sounds like he is a controlling person and thats why he is throwing this fit!!!!!

Who made him God?????? Enough is enough, call those people that have offered to help and let them help you.....he's not the one dealing with all this...he is whimping out on you and making you feel like your the one in the wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh.....I gotta go before I say more........but please please do something, anything to change this pattern with him......

Jule

Yes, he is being an ass****.  I called his dad this afternoon and asked him to speak to him.  The chances of his father getting thru his thick head are better than mine.  When I told my fil what my dh was saying he almost fell off his chair and even he couldn't believe how stupid my husband is being.  I am still having lots of pain from this last surgery (God bless the MD for upping the pain meds), but for some dumb*** reason, I felt the need to clean the house so that he wouldn't have anything to bitch about when he got home.  Now I am being the as*.   I just can't figure him out.  Most of this is my fault.  I spent the better part of 20+ years spoiling him, and now that I am not capable of making him #1 in my life, he doesn't know how to react.  He does the dumbest things.  Did I tell you he got mad when I told him I wanted a salad for dinner, but did not name the specific place (thinking he would make the decision as to the place after I gave him several choices), so after watching him stomp all over the house for 10 minutes I finally blurted out - OK McDonalds.  So he got in the car, went to McD's and got dinner for everyone but himself and then pouted because he didn't have any dinner!!!   Am I the only one out there to be blessed with such a loving husband????

Held,

I am with the other ladies on here...he is a complete A#@!!  I am sorry..but everything you have said, is just getting my blood boiling. He is self centered..and cares about nobody but himself.

Please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! You are the one who needs to rest, who needs to be cared for...and by all means you do not need the added stress!! OMG!!!!

I can relate...but I will keep my story short!  I was diagnosed March 6 '07.  My new (only married since Oct. 06) husband started acting very weird right after my dx..like he was going to be inconvenienced!!  Long story short...he treated me like crap, and his 20 yr old son did too!  He ended up fighting with me, his son threatened me..physically..and I told him his son was no longer welcome in my home..I would not feel threatened.  Now mind you..this was just a week after my first chemo tx!  Anyhow..since his son had to go...he decided to leave as well!! It was the best thing that could have happened to me!! I mean that...I would have been dealing with an ass for a long time!  He put me through hell during the seperation..but on July 6, 2007...we were divorced.  I ended up having to get a restraining order..to keep him away..funny..he was the one who left!

Anyhow...I know you have young kids..but you do not need to put up with this mans actions and words!  Be strong..put your foot down..do not put up with any of his garbage anymore!  You poor thing!! Shame on him!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

xoxo

Lisa

Held,

I hope for your sake, that he has seen the "light". But once again..look how many times, he made it all about him..asking you why you were not being nice to HIM!! Please!

Some men do not know how to handle situations like this.  But this is the extreme.  It doesn't sound like he has supported you at all.  The fact that he didn't want anyone coming to help you!! That's just crazy!

Again, please, please do not blame yourself.  You asked the question...or is it something I should have done differently all along.  It's not you...it's him!  Yes...he is used to you doing everything for him..and I am sure his "mommy"did too!  He needs to get over it!!

point well taken.  thanks.  I will try hard not to tell him to kma!

Girlfriend, my DH acted very much the same.  I've still got anger issues about it and we've been seeing a therapist since January.   They get so comfy in their lives and get ticked when things are upset. 

I am here if you need me.  I'll come over to clean, do your dishes, take you to appts, whatever.

Call me if you need to.  Lean on me. 

I KNEW I shouldnt have come back here your husband makes my blood boil!!!!!!!!! but I so wanted to check on you Held.....

Im going to be nice this time because its obvious that you see something in this guy or you wouldnt have been with him for 20+ years!!!!!!

But my main objective is to be here for YOU....I wish I were closer because I would help you with things and he would just have to like it!!!!!

Keep your chin up girl.....you have all of us to help you with whatever we can and even though it doesnt feel like it right now things will get straightened out for you soon..

Hugs

Jule

I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I have spent my entire marriage treating my husband the way my mother spoiled my father.  Now my mother did not work outside the house, so she had lots of time to herself and to spend with her friends and spoiling her husband. BUT when my mother has even a stuff nose, my father insists on waiting on her hand and foot.  He takes care of everything.   

I can't seem to figure out why I find myself apologizing for needing his help. I actually felt bad asking him to go to the acme last night.  But someone HAD to go.  Someone once told me it one of the side-effects of going to Catholic school for 12 years!  I really don't want to make things worse by confronting him, so I need help finding the right words to tell him how I feel so that he 1) doesn't get too defensive 2) doesn't turn this around and make it about him.   He has a very long (and successful) history of doing this.  Something is seriously wrong with me.

I guess I will try to touch base with my fil and see if he talked to my dh last night.

by the way jpann - before i got sick, i would have walked out on him and never looked back.  He caused me a lot of pain during the last 20 years.  I just didn't have the courage to walk away. He was wonderful during the first few months after my dx (ok he didn't always listen to me when I told him what I needed, instead chosing to do what he thought was best, but you can't have everything, can you?).  I was actually starting to like him again until recently...

Noni - thanks for your offer honey.  Don't you have enough to deal with without adding my mess to it????

Held,

Like everyone else, it is very upsetting to me to hear how your husband is treating you.  Is it possible that he is not just being a jerk but that he may have a real psychological problem?  Not that it  makes it any easier to live with right now, but maybe there is some sort of medication that would help him. 

I'm just pointing this out because my husband can act like a real selfish jerk, but after we found out our 10 year old daugther has Asperger's Syndrome (a form of Autism), we could really see that he has the same traits and is also Aspie himself.  A person with Asperger Syndrome is perceived as very selfish to the rest of the world. 

Good luck to you.

Oh, Held.  I feel for you.  I had bilateral masts in August.  My DH, who is not an a$$, nevertheless did a good impersonation of one early on in our journey.  I think your idea of having his father speak to him is a good one and if you can get him to go, counseling might work.  For my DH, talking his feelings through with his friends and speaking to a social worker helped a lot.  I had my implant exchange in February, and while things are not perfect, I think we have found a way to talk to each other about it that is not so destructive.  With respect to the kids -- mine were 14 and 10 -- would it help it you if you explained to your husband that having friends and family help out with the kids wasn't just to give you a break, but also to give him a break.  Not a critcism of his parenting skills, but an open acknowledgment that this experience has been hugely stressful and upsetting to him and not just to you...?

Held....

Im sorry you feel so stuck in the relationship.......my first husband was a nasty rotten man, a no good father and I was scared to leave too, but I did it....I had never worked a day in my life and had two kids to worry about so I stayed until I just couldnt take it anymore.....I too came from a well round, stable, loving family home where both parents were the originals!!!!!!!

But even given what he has gone through in his life (and I am sorry for that) you would think he would have learned something from it....the way he treats you is the same way he saw his mom, step-mom's being treated by his father, step father's!!!!!!!! He is recreating the same life for you and your children that he had, but I suspect he doesnt even know it......the life he has created with you isnt as nasty as the one he grew up in but it will be for your children and their spouses when they get older as the chain will not be broken without one of two things happening....1) you getting through this, getting better and heading out the door, or 2) your husband stop being a whiner and fess up to the fact he has issues that need to be dealt with to keep his family intact and with a healthy outlook for their lives....

"Something is seriously wrong with me." This comment from one of your above posts really, really bothers me so I hope you are able to seek out some form of counseling for you....you cant go through life feeling like that!!!!!!!

As I have already said (probably too many times already) HE MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!!!!!for what has done and IS doing to you!!!!!!!!!

Hugs
Jule

Noni,

You live close to Held????? That makes me feel a little better, thank you!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this on top of everything else.  The man sounds like a spoiled child.  Shame on his whiny self.

It's awesome that Noni lives close to you...I would take her up on her offer of an ear...again just MHO.

In the meantime, please just remember that the most important things in this equasion are (1)  YOU and your health and (2)  your girls.

And, there is nothing wrong with you sweetie except for breast cancer.

Hugs

Peggy

PS:  Some men never cease to amaze me with their selfish, callous, me me me mentalities.  I tried not to let my anger through in this post but DAMMIT he makes me mad.