Topic: And another one bites the dust....

marin i am so sorry he turned out to be someone different than you thought-  men are such assholes sometimes  (alot of the times! )

i always believe when they come on so strong at the beginning be wary - then their true colors come out a bit later

you are an amazing woman and deserve to be treated as one

no one! especially your man should be verbally abusive to you

i also think men are primarily babies and need so much ego stroking- they get jealous of ridiculous things (like our children)

you are a strong woman like me with a very full life and some men get threatened by  that   - i am sure we will be hearing another exciting love story from you quite soon!  any man will be lucky to have you

xoxox

julia

p.s  i always jump right back in to the pool too!  best way to bounce back

Hi Marin,

Sorry about the dip. You are better off w/o him. I got one of the good ones. I almost threw him away because he was so different. After dating a##holes for years, here came this man I meet after going through bone cancer and losing my right jaw which was partially reconstructed. I met him in a dive class he was helping teach.

He was so complimentary and sweet, I thought something was wrong with him. I almost broke up. Then I thought, this guy is funny, kind, sweet and so nice. Why??? Well, this May we will have been married 17 years! Stuck with me all the way through BC.

Hang in there. The good ones are out there. Glad I caught and kept mine.

PS Sex??? What is that?

Debbie 

Marin, am so disappointed for you, he sounded so good.  I guess it just takes time to really get to know what they are really like.  Hope you do well at Plenty of fish and let us all know how it turns out for you.

Oh, forgot to add about the ex-wife....he claims that she became severely clinically depressed during the final years of their marriage and the relationship got very painful for him. Now, six years later, he said she came by to argue about money for their son's tuition. She's now in a lesbian relationship, so I'm pretty sure he's not thinking about reconciling. I'm thinking that he's still very messed up about the failed marriage and just can't get past it. Also his mother died last year and he apparently had a rough relationship with not only her but his whole family. All in all, he's just messed up.

Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed and upset with myself for not having detected his mental instability sooner. Sometimes I'm just unrealistically optimistic and just plain naive!

I also want to add, for any of you women reading this who avoids dating after BC because you feel like "damaged goods," lemme tell ya that WE are AWESOME GOODS- strong and rich in wisdom and personality. I'm finding that it's the men, instead, who are the damaged goods. Boo-yah!

~Marin

OK, late breaking news, girls. J called a little while ago. Acted like nothing had transpired until I (of course) mentioned my last email and asked if he had a response. He tried to say something along the lines of being "who he is" and actually quoted Popeye (I kid you not!), saying "I am what I am", blah, blah, blah. I responded that that might be, but I know what I need and want and it may not be THAT (what he is). It was getting convoluted (now there's a surprise, huh?) so I said we shouldn't discuss it on the phone and he agreed. I offered next weekend...I want to give myself some time to think a bit more and get my head screwed on right & tight, ya know. He said he called in case I was thinking he wasn't responding to me. I said that's exactly what I was thinking. He also said he thinks we should try.

Now I'm confused again! Not about what I want, but about whether I should try to find something with THIS man. I mean, is this how I can expect ALL relationships with older adult men (who have all the baggage! I totally agree, BTW, Jaybird, that younger men are so much "cleaner") to be? I know that we can't change anyone, but this guy WILL have to try and change if outbursts and shouting are his typical response to even intellectual differences of opinion. I don't know, my chicas.....any views or ideas? I don't want to be close-minded and close-hearted, but I don't want to be a fool & a pushover, ya know?

~Marin

Well,  I deleted my first response.  I felt that it didn't fit in this thread.  I believe that in order for somebody to change a coping mechanism (right or wrong here is not important) then a substitute coping skill needs to be readily available.  That is something that needs to be learned and that will take some time.  As far as baggage?  We all have our issues and we all  have learned to cope with our issues in different ways.  Some of these coping mechanisms are healthy and some are not.

As a man I would think that taking a break would be good for you and in particular for your guy.  He may be feeling mixed emotions and so he may need some time to work them out.  This will give you time to consider the over all  picture of your relationship with this man. Personally, I am not sure I will ever get remarried. I like the idea of being able to leave if and when I find myself unhappy in a relationship.  If I don't have  to deal with the legal crap then that is all the better.  That is what I think but hey...........we all  think we have all the answers and many of do but lots of us  don't.  I maybe one of  the latter.  Hope all  works  out for  you.

Not sure this relates but I'll go anyway.

Had a great courtship, great guy, getting married. Had to rush our wedding for various reasons, including his rotation schedule.

After the rehersal dinner, he calls, cussing a BLUE streak!!  I'd never heard him like this in the 10 mos we'd been together.  He'd been locked out of his residence room by another guy.  He was really pissed.

I thought it was just a one time thing but after 30 years of rages, he finally sought counseling and found some reasons for his anger and quit the rages.

What you see is what you're gonna get, IMO.  Sure give his some more chances, but beware.  People don't change without some changes being made, if he needs a tune up, let him get one, just don't put up with the shouting, etc. 

Hey Marin,

I like the WYSIWYG advice.  I too wanted to save relationships that started out great, then true colors came out, and I started doing my best to try to find ways to fix it!  Are you willing spend forever trying to fix something that has nothing to do with you?

Also, categorizing men and their personality types or possible deficiencies by age is kind've risky.  Everybody has issues.  Even the young ones.  This man swept you off your feet and eventually as time goes by, we begin to learn more and more about the person we are with. 

Now that I'm old and have made the same mistakes a few times, I'm trying to live by the old adage "fool me once .. shame on you, fool me twice ... shame on me."  You can decide to give him another try.  If his behavior is unacceptable at any point .. walk away.

Trying to put him in a young versus old category just won't help.  He's an individual ... and the question is do you want to check him out further or walk away at this point?

Sucks doesn't it.

Bren

PS - You have every RIGHT to lay down the ground rules of what you will and will not accept (shouting, etc.)

Marin is he possibly bi-polar, he seemed so perfect, calm, patient, caring the whole shebang and then boom, arguing about catholic religion and then wig remark and the comment about your daughter. I'm glad your a strong women, but if a stressor like his wife turning up makes me wonder, how will he take other stressors in his life, gosh I wish there was a web site out there for rating men you've met online.  No matter stay strong and best of luck. Pearl

marin  i think you have a great plan and obviously from all your posts a great head on your shoulders and you are intuitive and think things out

i know you will do the right thing whatever it is

lots of support xoxox

julia 

I have to chime in, too....  If it's too good to be true, then it isn't.  As a fifty-one year old single woman, it's tough meeting decent men.  I have gotten pretty good at figuring out really quick about what these guys are about; and cutting the relationship short.  BUT, the problem is, if you enjoy the company of a man, you'll be alone most of the time.  sigh.....

i just want to stick my 2 sense in from my personal experience

a leopard NEVER changes his spots-  i met my ex husband not too long after my first husband had passed away from a long battle with cancer (he was only 31)  my ex was supposedly getting out of his marriage with wife and 2 kids- i had 1 daughter too

well as i found out he had been married briefly several times before - he was charming and good looking (and a therapist- thus he had great communication skills) but he was a liar and a cheater and self absorbed- i saw all this too late but should have seen the signs and red flags right away- i got pregnant and didnt want to raise another daughter alone so i stayed in the marriage for about 10 yrs

he cheated his way thru as he did his other marriages and when i finally found out everything i left him (but not before he had me invest all my money of my own in a business he had wanted to start) all along he promised me and our family the world so I bought into it all-  tough lesson learned- hundreds of thousands of dollars gone- no more savings and NO more husband (but happily dating a great guy now)  He is of course married again to a multi millionaire woman and living the good life and conning her)

again i believe A Leopard NEVER changes his spots!!!

just try to be aware of the red flags that you see and do NOT ignore them  they are real

LOL...Shirley, you always make me laugh.  And in between the laughs, you have some wonderful advice for Marin.

 Marin, I was thinking about your situation this afternoon while I was driving around doing errands.  I know you don't want to give up on him yet..the sex is good and it is fun having somebody in your life.  I sure understand that.  So disregard what I said earlier...but keep your eyes wide open and do not take any guff from him if you decide to give it another go around.

either that or you could just use him for a booty call when needed, since he's good at that part.

Marin, all I can say is, if I were in your shoes, I'd give him one more chance.  Anyone can make a mistake and freak out on you once.  But even if he finds ways to redeem himself, there is no question that things have changed.  Knowing that he has the capacity to be angry and insensitive and rude -- well, it doesn't mean that these qualities define him, and it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy each other's company, but they are important factors to take into consideration as you think about what the future is going to hold. 

I was about ready to ditch my boyfriend after his clueless, unsupportive way of dealing with me right after my dx.  But I gave him time (because he is a clueless man by nature, and an engineer on top of that -- not that I have anything against engineers, but I think they tend to be really concrete thinkers, not as good with the emotional side of things) and he has shown me that he cares and has no intention to run away from me now.  Of course, the fact that he can be emotionally unavailable and unaware of my needs has caused me to seriously reconsider whether we are right for each other, long-term.  I haven't discarded the possibility -- but I'm no longer a starry-eyed woman in love, either.  It's important information to have. 

And now you have some important information about J.  What you choose to do with it is up to you.  But considering how strong both of your feelings are/were a few weeks ago, I think it would be really hard to just say goodbye if he seems like he's willing to try.  I know I couldn't do it.  It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you won't stay in a relationship if you are being mistreated or disrespected.  But if I were you, I'd give him one more chance.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

Lauren