When I was fully immersed in treatment, I went out on a really big limb and broached a subject that had been on my mind since the time of my breast cancer diagnosis. It took me a while to bring it up because it’s, well, it’s anti-establishment — in a BIG way.
Here goes: I never saw my experience with breast cancer as a “fight.” There. I said it.
I mentioned this to a few people who responded either by gasping or by boo-hooing my belief, assuming that my outrageous notion was a by-product of chemotherapy or pain medications or just the general delirium that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
However, my opinion was not derailed by the naysayers. I still fervently believed that I was never engaged in a fight with breast cancer. Was it awful? Yes. Was it a struggle? Yes, of course. Was it a long haul? Absolutely.
But, I have still never engaged in a “fight.”
Omnipresent in our culture are cancer “fighting” messages, like “cancer-fighting strategies” and “cancer-fighting foods” and “cancer-fighting treatments.” People told me to “fight” or “keep fighting” or “fight the good fight” as if I were Muhammad Ali.
Even though it always made/makes me cringe, I fully acknowledge that these “fighting” wishes came from very well-meaning people, intending to encourage me and give me strength throughout the wretched experience.
Frankly, the thought of “fighting” makes my stomach turn. Quite simply: I’m not a fighter.
Now, that’s certainly not to say that I’m passive. Far, far from it. In fact, the image of myself as passive makes me laugh out loud. I’m assertive. Strong. Determined. Forthright. I stand up to bullying and don’t take S**T from anyone.
I know quite a few people who are “fighters.” They love to pick a fight and then go full throttle. Yelling. Screaming. Smoke coming out of their ears. You look at them and it seems as if they are seething, just waiting for the next battle. Always one word away. I have never in my life understood how someone could live this way.
If I haven’t thrown you over the edge and you are still reading, please allow me to clarify that fighting is very different from the emotion of anger. Anger is, I believe, a very healthy emotion. When I’m really ticked about something (which does happen on occasion), I acknowledge it, welcome it, thank it, and then politely ask it to leave. Anger isn’t something that I’m fond of holding for long periods of time.
So, if I’m not “fighting,” what did I do during those grueling months of treatment?
I harnessed energy. I found silver linings and focused on thinking positively. I laughed whenever possible (mostly at myself). I rested. I allowed the treatments to eradicate cancer from my body. I learned. I grew. I tried things that I’ve never done before (e.g., giving myself IV fluids, getting fitted for a custom bustier bolus, writing).
Fighting, to me, has a tremendously pejorative connotation.
Why add insult (fighting) to injury (cancer)?
My philosophy is to focus on the positive and thereby render the negative inconsequential.
And another thing: In all of my years as a cardiac nurse, never once did we (nurses, doctors, etc.) tell patients with cardiovascular disease to “fight.”
Why, I wonder, are people with cancer the only patients who are told to “fight”? I’ve never understood this.
As a hospice nurse who has cared for many cancer patients at the end of their lives, I wondered whether they were somehow to blame because they “lost the fight”? It almost seemed punitive to suggest that they “lost.” As if they had something to do with it. It was never suggested that patients with vascular disease, for example, “lost” some kind of “battle.”
There is certainly no right or wrong here. People choose how they will handle their own circumstances and disease process. My fundamental hope is that no matter which road is chosen that you are able to find Silver Linings (inside the fighting ring or out).
pasmithx2 says:
I agree with you so much. I have never seen this as a battle and I hate hearing about people who have “lost” their battle with cancer. It implies that we have control over cancer. If we’re strong enough, or courageous enough, or fight hard enough then we can “win” the battle. Does that mean that those people who don’t survive are responsible for their own fates and maybe they deserve to be losers? I think not.
Don’t get me going on being called a “survivor”. I’ve been surviving since the day I was born, just like everyone else.
riverhorse says:
Exactly. I find the “fighting” metaphor offensive for all the reasons mentioned above. I read the sad stories of those who have “lost their battle” — wait a minute — who failed here. Isn’t it the medical profession, the researchers etc who have failed in their chosen profession. I have also noted that breast cancer patients rarely blame their doctors for the “lost battle” Sort of amazing when you think about it. I wonder if our generally meek acceptance of the lost battle keeps medical mal-practice insurance lower for oncologists. Just wondering.
Jeannie57 says:
I, too, find it helpful to look for silver linings, blessings, dwell on the positive during my breast cancer journey. I think all of the above points are valid and worth thinking about. However, I like to think of myself as a fighter because it makes me feel strong. Look, I’m an antiwar protester who has seen love turn relationships around. Maybe it’s because I had to hold my own with three brothers, not necessarily fighting but having a strong attitude. Considering myself a fighter is a mind game I play to be strong in this journey. It helps me. I also consider myself a winner no matter how this goes, who would not like to be considered having “lost my battle” if I were to die from this.
Gena1989 says:
You couldn’t have said this better! While I have waited to hear my diagnosis, I thought how much I hate the term “fighting cancer”. I’m not a fighter either, but I am strong and assertive. The last thing I want to be is a victim or have someone feel sorry for me. I just heard today that I have A-Typical Ductal Hyperplasia, which I understand is not so bad, at least I hope so. I haven’t really told anyone except my husband. I’m trying to process the whole thing, learn more about it, and have a good attitude.
mradf says:
Hmmm. It’s definitely a phrase that has found it’s way into the lexicon of cancer. I’m not certain that it’s unique to Americans with cancer, though; and when I hear the phrase I think of St. Paul having fought the good fight and finished the race. I behaved much like you did – rest, silver linings, etc. Only the most well meaning friends and family, even some strangers, encouraged me to fight. I took no offense. I won. My sister lost.
kaza says:
I really didnt feel my diagnosis with breast cancer and treatment a fight, having gone through a life threatning illness, the emotions are ongoing what ever stage we are diagnosed at a life changing experience.
Making the most of every day and enjoying the moment, anything can happen in life, good and bad,
Nurse_Lizzie says:
I too am an RN, and I also happen to do Hospice Care. I never liked the “fighting” phrases around diseases, whatever they may be. Oftentimes people will comment that someone does well or stays alive because they fight so hard, implying that those who do not do well, and eventually die didn’t try hard enough. Since being diagnosed myself, I often deliberate about the words I use when I discuss my cancer with others. The best terms I can use are words like adventure and challenge. I can guarantee you that everyone who has faced cancer has worked very hard to get the better of this disease. As for myself, I often use the metaphor that I’m in a white water raft, and i never know what’s going to come after the next turn in the river, but I’m ready. The good news? I’m in a wonderful calm and peaceful pool at this time. Hallelujah!
Josephina says:
I totally agree with the ‘fight’ word. As if we have any control, other than doing what we are told to do by our docs/nurses. Friends/family do not know what to say except I’m sorry, which is fine. I could go into my argumentative side and start probing as to why they are using the word fight, but best to just let this one go. 🙂 I am newly diagnosed (1 month) and just had my first chemo treatment yesterday. Thank you for this blog, I find comfort in knowing other people are going through the same things and having the same thoughts.
Rebows says:
beautifully written, thank you.
jlingrahamWa says:
I didn’t feel I was fighting cancer. I was dealing with it the best I could,. Going through the various treatments that I had to go through. Explaining to people why i didn’t lose my hair was interesting. Thanks I ‘m not alone.
Monirae says:
Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree. A fight is something you ultimately either win or lose. I don’t need that extra guilt thinking that if I don’t get better, I have somehow failed myself Some things just aren’t in our control. Cancer is something you deal with, hopefully gracefully and with determination, but “fight”, in my mind, is an inappropriate description.
tdevito1561 says:
I, too, can not relate to the vision of fighting. I envision a war of words that calls for prejudice and vanity. I, too, am not passive when it comes to necessary injustice like bullying and hunger. But I chose not to discuss such personal issues like religion or politics. Maybe because I live alone, but I took my treatments as something very personal and private. Might have been totally different if I lived where family was around and was involved. I’ve shouldered many grievous situations in the last few years and this was just another test (of a sort) for me to travel with my faith. There was a time many years ago when I suffered severe back pain for 2 years. Our church (Presbyterian) prayed for my healing and I felt guilty by admitting I was not healed. Others made me feel I was doing something wrong if I’d not been healed. I left that church because of that kind of situation. My cancer meant bilateral mastectomies because of tumors in both breasts. Then chemo for 6 months. Even now I just feel, realistically, that my life may have been shortened. I’m not being fatalistic – just realistic. Nor am I afraid. I didn’t feel the need to reach out to others that have had similar diagnosis.
But, I admit I would feel differently if I were to receive another diagnosis with similar treatments necessary. My desire to be closer to family would surface and I would ask their assistance in bringing me closer.
mnleck says:
I agree. Well written. I just finished a bout with not the easiest version (they are different for everyone) which included double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, blood clots, reconstruction using my own belly fat. When I discovered I had cancer I listed all the cup is half full – not working, great supportive husband, had a wonderful medical support group – Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake City, technology that I understood and used that kept me connected to friends and family, a peace that stemmed from my religious beliefs…as you mentioned it was a struggle but I learned, was loved, etc. My sister made me a positive pouch that I kept special notes, thoughts and tokens that helped me stay positive. I kept a log book of all the wonderful things people sent and did — bringing meals in, etc. I was very proactive and researched all the treatment options and gave input where appropriate. I was hospitalized for over two weeks and had a playlist on my ipod of peace and comfort music. I told family and friends when they came to see me I didn’t want to hear a lot of negative conversations. I also came to terms with my own mortality and my beliefs in that respect helped me be peaceful. Again, I appreciate your comments and believe you can still be proactive and do a lot of positive self talk – still love your body and appreciate it’s ability to heal and revive. It is definitely a struggle.
artesa says:
agree with pasmithx2 and Hollye!!! I don’t like the metaphor fight or survivor… I had stage 2, bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and then 4 chemo treatments … I showed up to do what made sense, I never felt like I battled or fought and certainly do not understand “survivor” …. it seems like victimizing language. It wasn’t easy or pleasant, still have anxious moments but that is part of life..
Eastperson says:
I have always thought this fight metaphor to be stupid and condescending. Like anyone else with a disease we take our medicine to get well. What makes cancer so different? Why do we need to be patted on the heads and told how brave we are and all the other metaphors that go along with fighting?
saverylady says:
I too, am in total agreement. I see my whole life, including the treatment for cancer, as a learning experience. I even have had some joyful insights along the way. I even had some improvement in my life: my ears used to stick out and after chemo they no longer do. My hair was kinky, blonde, fine, and totally unmanageable prior to chemo. It grew back thicker and wavy and totally self styling. My skin improved as if I had been seing a dermatologist instead of an oncologist. I vote 100% for seeing only the positive side of the experience.
emorg says:
I must admit, I have been guilty of using the “fight” metaphor and having endless conversations about “staying positive” and “having the right attitude”. In my nine months of treatment consisting of surgery, chemo, radiation and ongoing Herceptin I’ve met a lot of women who are travelling the breast cancer path. I haven’t met one who has had a “wrong” attitude. Nobody has said to me, “o.k. I’ve got cancer, dig a hole, throw me in”. We have all submitted to whatever our doctors have suggested and coped with the nausea, fatigue, depression, fear, anger and despair that breast cancer can cause. I suppose “fight” is the way of expressing how we use various coping strategies. The word “fight” doesn’t upset me nearly as much as the inference that a positive mental attitude will decide the outcome of the disease. “If you think positive, you will beat this”. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard these words, I would be a very rich gal by now. Yeah, right, just think positive and you’ll be cured. Simple as that. People are well meaning but sometimes they just don’t know the appropriate words to say. My coping philosophy is to accept that I had a serious disease but now I’m cured. (yup, that’s right, not in remission, cured) I will be vigilant, treasure my health,be ready to die when the time comes but hope to be alive and well until I’m 100, like the Queen of England’s mother who survived two kinds of cancer and lived to be over 100. Amen.
nebraskagirl2010 says:
I agree the word ‘fight’ isn’t quite right. It is certainly a challenge and we each deal with our situation in our own way. We have as many different ways of dealing with cancer was we do with everything in life: raising children, the type of occupations we have, relationships with our friends and our spouse. Even our breast cancers aren’t exactly the same. Having said this I’m sure we will continue to see the words fight & battle. I just know that cancer isn’t going to be the center of my life. There are too many other things to do & curing my cancer is just one.
Lulullewelyn says:
I do not believe it is a fight either. I am accepting and surrendering. I am in a healthy state of denial. NOT that I am postponing treatment or not being honest with myself or my family. I realize that I had surgery, I no longer have one breast and my hair is falling out but if I lived that every day. . each day could not be the gift that it is. This isn’t a fight between me and my body or me and cancer, neither do I see cancer as a gift. I see cancer as it is. Cancer. It is a bump in the road, and with proper instruction from those who know much more than me about cancer, cancer will be a thing of the past. If cancer returns to my body. . . I will continue on loving my life. Thus far my only fight has been with my insurance company and my HR department.
Edwina07 says:
This is so timely! We have a high profile TV personality in Australia who’s just been diagnosed. The media is full of headings like ‘…’s cancer battle, she’ll fight …’
I never felt I was in a battle or had to fight when I went through breast cancer. I just viewed it as an unexpected and unwanted diversion on my life’s journey, that just had to be gone through and dealt with and then I’d get on with my life. I think having that attitude made a big difference to how well I coped with the surgery, chemo & radiation. And of course, having the support and prayers of many family and friends.
I’m so pleased to hear that others find those ‘battle’ and ‘fight’ terms inappropriate as well!
SusanNielsen says:
Amen!!!!! Thank you!
Lorianne says:
Thank you for expressing this view. I have always been offended by the expression “lost the fight” with cancer–indeed, it does seem to blame the victim–and besides, in no way is this anything close to a fair “fight.” I was diagnosed last March with Stage II triple neg and went through 16 chemo treatments, lumpectomy, and 25 rads that finally ended last December. What a miserable year. Instead of “fighting,” though, I made it easier on myself by deciding at the outset just to go with the flow. I consciously resisted “fighting,” and instead just took whatever came along, sort of like meditation–where you notice your thoughts and just let them float by. I confess I did laugh out loud, though, when a long-distance friend, who did not know my views about “fighting,” sent me a pink bracelet that said “Fight Like a Girl.” Now that concept I could almost get into–I could almost picture myself kicking, scratching, pulling hair, and making catty remarks at the cancer. But passively going with the flow still worked best for me, even though it seemed counter-intuitive, and not consistent with my normally rather feisty personality. For those of you going through this now, God Bless, and just do what works for you.
mandysaini says:
hey everyone..i hav an aunt which had brest cancer about 1 nd half year ago..she got it eradicated through surgery but didnt go for chemo or radiation therapy…now she is taking some homeopathic treatment.and she is living a very normal happy life as before..is dat like taking a risk or a boon??what are the chances of her survival??can she get thru the whole life or will she face some problems ahead if she continues the same homeopathic treatment
colleenvscancer says:
I agreed with you…until I went metastatic. I always said the same thing, fight? cmon, it’s a struggle but not a fight, I let medical guide me, listened to my doctors, and kept a positive attitude. Then 9 months after treatment, I was told it spread to my bones. I was not a candidate for chemo again, not in enough pain for radiation, so I had no options. It was then that I turned to natural ways. After researching I decided on a vegan diet, learned the benefits of qigong and meditation, and leaned on my faith. I had to fight to overturn the 2 to 5 years I was given to live. Now I feel like a fighter. I had to change my lifestyle. I didn’t feel the need to do this when I was in medical hands. I still don’t feel like I am fighting with cancer, I am fighting with my body to change the way I was allowing it to live, I am fighting with my environmental conditions. Six months ago I would be leaving comments like “I totally agree” . Now, I understand the term fight and consider myself a fighter.
jancats1 says:
Thank you, Hollye, for putting into words much of how I’ve felt, but haven’t been able to articulate.
ichoosetolive-kc says:
The word “fight” is okay with me. I am a four year survivor and i have always looked at this battle, fight, as my journey. From day one, i put on my boxing gloves and decided i will win this battle. I’ve never been a fighter, who would have thought at my age i’m fighting my biggest battle.
PAeaglesFan says:
I am not a fighter, I am not brave and I am not on a “journey”. I am simply doing everything I can to improve my odds that this disease does not return because that’s what cancer is, a disease.
anniebegood says:
I agree wholeheartedly with the concept that “fighting” cancer is not the best approach. I was diagnosed in 2001 with end stage breast cancer and told to put my affairs in order for my death. The oncologist told me to have a double mastectomy and immediately begin chemo and radiation, but I took a few days to do some research first. Because of that, I’m alive and well more than 11 years later. I learned one of the worst things you can do is declare war on cancer. It triggers the sympathetic overdrive, that classic fight or flight reflex. When you declare war, your sympathetic system goes into overdrive and your subconscious shuts down any systems in your body not needed for immediate survival such as your immune and digestive systems. You undercut your body’s ability to fight any disease, especially cancer. I developed a whole-being healing platform to balance my immune system including lifestyle changes, detoxification, got rid of the negatives in my life and incorporated positive thought, used anti-inflammatories and anti-virals and probiotics and liver support supplements. I did everything I could to cleanse and support my body. I understood that my immune system was out of balance and had allowed the cancer to come to the forefront. We are own authors of disease in many ways. I established the Best Answer for Cancer Foundation to help others learn about options. We train and certify doctors in integrative oncology and patient-centered medicine.
MadBluebird-Essa says:
I agree with your philosophy on healing with a resolve that is firm but not developing the fighting stance. I am not considering this a fight against my body or the breast cancer with lymph node involvement. I have always seen it as a chance to heal, to bring peace and balance to what went off course in a big way. I have been aggressive in finding and using alternative treatments along with surgery in order to get the cancer cells to stop multiplying and to die their natural death. I don’t see this as a fight. Healing, yes. Adapting to cancer as the natural way of life as my body heals, yes. While doing so I need to enjoy my life. I love to write, a huge part of my therapy, along with rest, beauty, music, hugging my dog and skunk, even a few oaks and pines, coming to peace with Hubby’s antics so I can laugh with him because, most days, he was my greatest stress since I had lost my sense of humor. And I developed stories of humor and emotional hope on my Women’s Fiction Blog: Myths, Dense Observations and Lies We’ve Been Told…. not surprisingly, am finally adding a breast cancer section that is more therapeutic to me than to anyone who perhaps ever reads them. Now I am on the search for breast cancer fiction writers, blog writers, stories about breast cancer journeys. (PM me w/suggestions, please.) Did not know this would ever be my life. I believe we are being asked to do what we love to do, are called to do in life, peacefully and with great resolve. Essa
ruthmrk says:
to me its seems like people are saying that i must fight it… well i knew there was a plan to follow and i had no control of the struggle other than do the treatment .. and one day at a time .. you have to just do what you do , there are no magic punches to knock this stuff out , only plan treatments . and you just do it .. being a surviviur is just that ,, taking the steps to a cure .knowledge is the best defense against cancer .
HappyCamper123 says:
Didn’t fight hard enough, didn’t have enough resources or a big enough gang of supporters, subconsciously didn’t want to survive, somehow weak and deficient, responsible for one’s own disease and death and definitely a loser and pitied, maybe even someone to be avoided while the “fight” is happening. All these are corollary to the fight metaphor. But I think doctors have used the fight word at other times – “He’s young, he’s strong, he’ll be able to fight it off.” etc. What REALLY burns me up, however, is the JOURNEY metaphor. If I go to Nepal or take a walking tour of, say, tierra del Fuego, that will be a journey. Trips to the doctor’s office and operating room and pharmacy do not a journey make. They are just a pain in the wazoo.