Radiation, depression and cancelling treatment
I don't know if this is the right place, but I canceled my radiation for tomorrow. I'm thinking of cancelling indefinitely. I just don't want to do any of this any more.
I was borrowing my mother's car because my son borrowed mine to get back up to college and my husband was too busy to drive me. Long story short, my mom got irritated about me borrowing her car, so I drove it back to her after radiation yesterday and then had to walk home from her place. She said it wasn't a problem for me to borrow it initially because she never goes anywhere (she doesn't have any friends, activities, work, etc) except shopping and hadn't been feeling well, so I'd been getting her lottery tickets and driving her around so she didn't have to do it. That is, when not going to my appointments or taking the younger kids to/from school. (Although I had to drive a bit more because my husband needed me to pick up my son who caught COVID from work and I've been taking care of our youngest with pneumonia.) Now my husband is irritated I don't have a car to borrow and mine is with our oldest.
I guess I'm just at the point where, between my depression and everything else, I just feel too tired to keep fighting everything. The doctor thing has been kind of a whacky mess and my home life has always been kind of rough. The added layer of fatigue and nonsense with the cancer has me asking myself why I'm bothering with any of it? I don't feel like I really have space here. I feel like I'm taking up time and treatment and oxygen that could be put to better use for someone else.
I canceled the radiation because I don't really have a way to get my daughter home otherwise if my mom doesn't want to help and there's only one functional car available to me. I could Uber but that's expensive. It's only an hour and a half walk one way but our roads are crazy and I'm just not that keen on it anyway. The Kadcyla, I'd have to take the bus for and that's probably a 2 hr trip.
Everyone else I know works or has their own stuff and I don't want to bother anyone. But, beyond the transportation every week day for this continued treatment...I'm really wondering if I even want to? I could just not, right? Am I a bad person for just thinking enough is enough and calling it quits here? I'm going to check with my insurance to see if I'll be penalized financially for not finishing whatever the doctor came up with. If not, I really would rather just be done now.