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Topic: facing a divorce on top of chemo

Forum: Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts —

Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around anxiety, depression & other emotional effects.

Posted on: Feb 4, 2012 05:33PM

tbear17 wrote:

hi all.  just looking for some words of encouragement.  My husband came to me halfway through chemo for my S1 IDC and said he isnt happy and hasnt been for awhile, doesnt love me the way a husband should love a wife,and wants to end the marriage.  He later admitted he was having an affair, but lied about it at first.  He suggested counselling, and we went together to one session, and then he admitted he had no intention of trying to make it work.  He takes meds for depression, and I know the diagnosis was tough on him. We had just had a miscarriage of first baby over summer, he had taken me on a surprise 2nd anniversary trip (a month before I got my diagnosis), and we purchased our first home in August, two weeks before my double mastectomy-found out im brca2 pos), not things you do with someone you don't love.  Our marriage wasnt perfect, but i obviously didnt see this coming.  Since that night on Jan 5th, I have moved out of my house, filed for divorce, and have 3 more weeks of chemo.  When I went back to get my stuff, he had taken all photos with me down off the walls, and I'm pretty sure there had been a girl staying there unless my husband uses maxi pads. He said he is still seeing this girl. I have no job to go back to.  im a nurse and was let go when i got sick.  Now I face having to be single, jobless, and no place to call "home" at the end of this long battle.  I just cant believe how someone who promised to take care of me in sickness and health could be so cruel ):  Latest message he sent said he had been hiding his feelings for years and that he is ashamed.  I think its all just an excuse to make him feel less guilty about the truth--that he cheated on then left his cancer-stricken wife.  Any ladies been through this??  I realize its over, but im really struggling.  I miss him, I'm sad a lot, sometimes I think its my fault, that "if I had only" feeling.  I know I took him for granted sometimes and could've showed him more love but at the same time I didnt make him cheat on me.  it doesnt help that i also feel so bad about myself right now-bald, scarred and deformed.  Somedays I just dont even want to get out of bed let along finish my chemo.

Dx 7/15/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 05:41PM lovemyfamilysomuch wrote:

I am so sorry you are going through this!  You are absolutely right--you did NOTmake him CHEAT.  He chose to deal with his feelings in an inappropriate way.  I feel for you sister, I know the pain of divorce, I can only imagine it on top of chemo.  Take good care of yourself, and you are not alone!

Dx 10/14/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 07:54PM momof3boys wrote:

I'm sorry for all that you're going through. You certainly didn't need or deserve this? Have you contacted an attorney? I think you should move back into your house, if your name is on the mortgage and deed, and get a good attorney, at once!
Is your health insurance through your husband's employer? Also, talk to the attorney about being fired from your job after being diagnosed!
Are you going through chemo now? I'm not sure where you live, but where I live, I see our hospitals recruiting nurses every day in the newspaper offering $5000-$10000 sign on bonuses.... So, I'm hoping that is the case with you.

BMX w TE reconstruction 11/11/11, 4 TC, 3/12, 25 Rads 5/12 Tamoxifin 6/12, Prophalactic hysterectomy 12/18/12, Oncotype 16 Dx 10/14/2011, ILC, 4cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 08:10PM Makratz wrote:

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.  You did nothing to make him cheat.  I can imagine how painful this is for you.  You have to hang tough and get through this.  This will be the toughest thing you will go through in life, so it can only get better.  We are all here for you!

Linda...♥♥♥ Never, never, never give up ~ Winston Churchill
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Feb 4, 2012 08:13PM thefuzzylemon wrote:

You didn't make him cheat.  You cannot make anyone do anything.  The only person you need to be concerned with is you.  It's over and that's a good thing.  If it took cancer to help you see what he really was, consider that a perk.  Home can be where ever you are.  Where he was...was not home...it's his whorehouse.  I believe in Karma and he will lay in the bed he made...but you don't control that either.

Ok...I said all of that.  Sure - all easy to say.  It frickin hurts like hell!  You're life was not suppose to turn out this way!!  Cancer AND divorce!!  Shit...damn it damn it damn it!  He's the lowest form of life and I can't BELIEVE he met a woman who would stay in that house when HIS WIFE HAS BREAST CANCER!!!  Yeah...she'll burn too...

Get mad...get sad...and get movin' on.  You can...and you will get through this.  You have us to help you through.  Try to stay off of meds to help you, but recognize if you need meds to help you!  There are specialized psychiatrists for cancer patients (I have one...or two).  You have been given 100% of time to devote to you...take advantage of that. 

I don't know what state you live in but get with the social worker at the hospital.  They will hook you up with finacial help.  Talk to the billing department and ask to be set up on payment plans and get information on grants that the hospial has. 

Start reviewing other threads and building your knowledge from the experience of us all.  There's a little something about everything I swear.

Honey, hang in there.  I'd like to throw some really nasty words out there but I won't.  There are a few things that offend me....liars, cheaters and theives are in the Top bracket...

The Fuzzy Lemon (including all her personalities) Dx 1/20/2011, 2cm, Stage IIIC, Grade 3, 14/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 09:12PM Kaara wrote:

Know one thing...you didn't do anything wrong.  You did not ask to get sick and it certainly is not your fault that you did.  Some men are just not able to handle the stress of illness, unless it's their own, and then they expect the world to bow down to them.  He handles it by cheating and giving himself an excuse to break away because he is ashamed to admit he doesn't want to support you both in sickness and in health.  You are well rid of him, it is just such a damned inconvenient time for you to have to go through a divorce and put up with all this sh*#!

Get a good attorney and hit him up for some temporary alimony until you are back on your feet, and take your time about doing it.  I would string it out as long as I could!  Hopefully you live in a community property or equitable distribution state so you can get your fair share of what was accumulated during the marriage.  This guy is a real heel to let you move out of the house when you are undergoing a health challenge like this.  Do men like this even have hearts or a conscience?

I pray you continue to heal and find a new and better life!  Living well is the best revenge!!

Sending you lots of prayers and positive energy! 

Kaara Dx 11/14/2011, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 09:45PM kerrberlady wrote:

I went through a similar situation in 2001 when I had BC the first time. Shortly after my second chemo treatment, I went to the bank too get money for groceries. When I got there the direct deposit was not there like it should have been. I went home called his work. I asked him where the money was. His answer was the ugliest thing anyone has ever said to me,"I canceled direct deposit because you don't need any money, you're going to die anyway".
I got off the phone with him, called a lawyer that specialized in womens rights, got a cost and appt, called my dad and asked him for the money and to go with me the following day. I had the papers signed and delivered him at work by Friday, three days later. I wanted him served at work so they knew that he could no longer use me as an excuse to get out of work, only to stay in bed all day while everyone including our children took care of me.
He has since been diagnosed manic depressive, became addicted to crack cocaine, and disowned by his family. And although I am going through this again ten years later, I am still happier that I got out of that life when I did. It was hard. I had to go back to school, raise three children on my own, and move out of state to get a job. I plan to live a long time so he can see that I didn't die, but more so that I didn't need him or his money to survive.

His affair was not my fault and neither was the abuse I suffered in the many years with him. It took many years of counseling to realize that. you are not at fault for the way your husband its behaving. It is in him to behave that way. Good luck to you!

2001, Self Exam found lump, Needle Biopsy, Surgical biopsy, Lumpectomy. DCIS >3cm, ER+/PR+, Chemotherapy, Radiation, 2 years Tamoxafen, 3 years Arimidex. Ten year remission. 2011 Treatment: BMX, LD flap w/TE, Herceptin Dx 9/2011, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/5 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 12/3/2011 Herceptin (trastuzumab)
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Feb 4, 2012 10:03PM Kaara wrote:

OMG...we should start a thread on "The Worst Things Men Have Ever Said to Women"  It would fill up an entire book!  My kids father is the worst...I'm so over it by now...but what a loser.  We've been divorced for many years, but he skipped out and never paid child support, leaving me to raise the kids.  He showed up for our son's wedding several years ago and had the nerve to brag to one of my son's best friends that his new family had turned out so much better than his old one!  Now why do people feel they have to share those things with you..TMI!  This was right after my son and his lovely new wife had honored both sets of parents in prayer, and awarded us nice little plaques.  I couldn't believe his cruelty!  I cried that night, not for myself, but because I knew my children would hear this as well, and be hurt once again by this man.  As I said in an earlier post...men like this don't have hearts or a conscience!

Kaara Dx 11/14/2011, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 4, 2012 10:17PM kathleen1966 wrote:

Good Lord, I read all of your posts previous to this and I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering soo very much. You have only been married for a little over two years and your husband has proven in this very short time to be a man of very, very poor character.  I know that you love him and your heart is aching and you want nothing more than to be a mom. But maybe the cosmos or God is trying to tell you something...not with this man. Your husband is very, very inconsistent and is, in fact, not a man. He is just not mature enough to keep or even know what it meant when he promised to take care of you in sickness and health. I know you feel very hurt by his appalling behavior. But consider yourself very, very lucky to be free of what would have been a life time of misery. I am very sorry that you suffered the miscarriage.  But although you would have been a mom, you would now be a single mom with a baby, going through cancer alone with all of these same problems. And judging from the way he is treating you now, I don't think he would have been able to make any commitment towards being a good parent either.  I don't know what the future holds for children for you.  Are you able to freeze ovaries?  Is there hope for children in the future with a new man for you?  Right now, you need to take care of yourself. You did nothing to cause this, even if you were not always perfect, even if you were mostly not perfect most of the time. This is not a man who will succeed in marriage, he is a child. Look to the sky and count your blessings that he will be out of your life and feel nothing but pity for the body belonging to that maxi pad!Frown I am also soo very sorry that you have lost your job....yet you are plugging away..still looking for a new job, with a wig....you are STRONG!!! You are going to be OK!!! You are vulnerable right now...keep going..keep moving foreword..time is on your side...I am just soo sorry that you are having such sadness.....it is not fair, it is not your fault and you will be ok....
Dx 7/26/2010, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 4/15 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Dx 7/26/2010, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 4/15 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Dx 7/26/2010, Paget's, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 4/15 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Surgery 8/23/2010 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Targeted Therapy 9/7/2010 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 9/7/2010 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 3/1/2011 Breast, Lymph nodes
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Feb 4, 2012 10:55PM klynnz wrote:

Tbear17,

I don't think I could find the right words to make your pain any less. You have every right to feel the way you do. Be sad, you lost a dream as well as a baby. Be angry, why this on top of the cancer. It's not fair what so ever. You have every right to feel every emotion. But please remember, you did nothing to deserve any of this. Absolutely nothing. Your husband owns his action not you. There is nothing you did or did not do to deserve his cheating or to cause him to cheat. If your like me, you'll know it logically, but emotionally, you may still examine everything to see what you could have done differently. The truth will remain is that he did this because of him and his issues and has nothing to do with you.

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Feb 5, 2012 09:08AM mdg wrote:

I have been through divorce (he just filed one day after 9 years of marriage right after my M/C of first baby too).  We were in the process of considering a move so he had convinced me to sell the house right after the M/C and it sold right away - he knew he was leaving me and I had no idea.  I was not working at the time either so I lost my house, baby and husband and had no job like you. I was not going through BC though.  I know how devasted I was.  It was a very dark time of my life.  I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It is incredibly cruel and selfish of him.  He is a pitiful excuse of a man.  A real wimp.  You deserve so much better.  I wish I had the right words to help but I don't. Just know you will get through this and in time life will be better.  Have you considered counseling or a support group to help you through all of this?  It may be helpful to connect with people feeling the same things.  I am so very sorry.  Hugs hugs hugs!

Maria Visit my BC Blog at breastcancerwontdefineme.blogs... Dx 12/13/2010, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 12/22/2010 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 1/26/2011 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 3/2/2011 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 5/18/2011 Surgery 6/21/2011 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 12/9/2011 Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction
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Feb 11, 2012 12:36AM Mom2Tots wrote:

God bless you!!

I wont tell my long horrible story because it has elements already mentioned in earlier posts.  Yes, I do mean(plural).  You are not to blame.  Your husband lacks character andd possibly has a diagnosable mental illness.  I dont mean to sound mean, but in my experience, those "nice" things he did were to cover or assuage his feelings of guilt.  He knew he was doing you wrong!! Needless to say, my ex was "nice" to me by taking me on a trip a few days after his cheating.  He was so sweet on the trip, too.  Imagine that two days prior to our trip, he had left me alone ( I was 20 weeks pregnant.) and taken a two day excursion with his honey.  I had a miscarriage that same week.  I have learned to be thankful and humble when He removes people from my life. (fyi. I mean my ex and not my little baby). I call it His divine protection when I didnt know enough or couldnt see enough to protect myself.

God will provide.  He gives you what you need when you need it.  You sound like a beautiful strong woman.  I know its hard but you will survive! Be good to yourself.  You are not to blame.  You could have been perfect with a capital P and it still would have turned out the same with him. Why? Because he is an a$$.  It isnt about you.  It never was.  It was always about him.  Will always be about him.  Yes, pity the owner of the maxi pad.  Its the truth!

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Feb 18, 2012 04:04AM serenitywisdom wrote:

To all the women who posted here:

THANK YOU for all your comments.   I keep re reading them.  It gives me hope and takes away some of the pain I feel.  I too experienced what  TBear originally posted.  I thought I was the only one who had a husband like this.   I am still  in chemo therapy and husband of more than 25 years  tells me he is moving out.  I kind of suspected he might be having an affair and when I asked him point blank if he was going to live with another woman , he said yes. I know I look bad after a mastectomy and chemo  but what happened to marriage vows  "in sickness and in health."  The wierd part is that I almost felt relieved cause I  then realized I had been married to a man with a  severe lack of character, abusive in many ways  and who is totally narcisstic. I hope the other woman enjoys him   The hard part is thinking about a divorce, the financial issues having to move etc etc. The most difficult part is how he has handled it with our children- telling them to come over and meet his new girlfriend and he just wants them to become a new happy family.   He got angry because they wouldn't meet his new girlfriend and has stopped talking to them.  Our family has been ripped apart by his behavior.

  I have enough energy I think to cope with cancer and the treatments and a bunch of other serious family  issues on my plate  but the divorce too is almost too much. . .  Having cancer  and no job,  financial insecurity  has made me feel quite vulnerable.     The good news is I got a wonderful new dog who is a hundred times better as a companion than he was.

Please keep comments coming as they help.  I think there may be other women out there who have experienced this as well.  Forgive me for rambling but it helps to get this out, my oncologist told me that divorce is the second most stressful event in one's life next to the death of a child. 

Dx 1/2011, IDC, 2cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/24 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Surgery 2/1/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy 4/9/2011 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 4/9/2011 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/27/2012 Reconstruction (right)
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Feb 22, 2012 04:18PM amontro wrote:

I took time off  from my own post to jump in on this one. As others suggested, go to your hospital and see what kind of financial help and support they can give you.  The American Cancer Society sponsors a lot of breast cancer support areas. Call them for guidance. They can even get someone to help you talk it out over the phone. I don't know much about Cancer Centers of America, or if they charge, but asking questions is free.

I'm there for you with the rest of the posters. It takes time, but many others have gotten through it with the help of this forum.

Dx 9/2008, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, HER2+
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Feb 29, 2012 03:08PM Scrappygrl wrote:

OMG this is like reading my life.  How can men be so unbelievably horrible when we are at what we feel is the worst thing we could have happen to us.  I feel like saying lets cut off your "unmentionable" and see how manly you feel after that.  My husband not only cheated but lied and then struck up the affair again 6 months later.  I found out by chance and he denied it until I played the "tape of their sexual interlude".  I have separated from him since then and we see each other because of our children.  If it were not for them, I would not even speak to him.  I'm sorry...I am really bitter just being diagnosed recently and dealing with it all.  But wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  And I am sorry you have to suffer this horrible painful situation on top of everything else.  Please feel free to PM me if you need to vent. 

When one door closes another one opens! Dx 9/28/2008, DCIS, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 2/5 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 2/10/2012, Stage IV, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Sep 17, 2012 01:26AM Shellies wrote:

WOW!  I would LOVE to hear how you (and all you others who have gone through this) are doing 8 months later!  You pretty much wrote my story for me!  

We had quit infertility treatments (most heart-wrenching time of my life... 'til THIS)... I developed a lump no one thought was a problem even though I begged that it be removed for 2 years... I had a miscarriage... diagnosed wtih breast cancer... double mastectomy... husband cheated... husband had MULTIPLE affairs right after I lost all my hair to chemo...

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from!  These have been unbelievably dark days... I cannot understand how someone I loved so much could be so cruel...

If you're still reading these posts, PLEASE get in touch with me!  I'm sending over lots of hugs and prayers for you all!!!

"That which does not kill you makes you stronger."     ;) 

Dx 11/28/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 1/36 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/15/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right Hormonal Therapy 2/12/2012 Chemotherapy 4/9/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 7/23/2012 Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap Surgery 10/19/2012 Prophylactic ovary removal
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Sep 17, 2012 02:06AM Linda1966 wrote:

My ex was living a double life and I found out the day after his daughter was born. During the whole time of his double life, he gave no indication, made plans for our future and the only signs towards the end were indications of mild depression, lol turned out he had good reason to be depressed as his two lives were about to collide. He lied (dont they all) said it was a one night stand and he was just taking responsibility, I fell for it and thought we were trying to sort things out, but that turned out to be just so he could have a place to sleep till he could work out how to get his mistress into the country legally. I was dx with bc 6 months after he left for good.

 My divorce papers came mid way through chemo and he tried to force me to sign settlement papers during that whole period too, saying of course he wasnt trying to rip me off. I got angry from the pressure, ended up telling him to talk to my solicitor, I hired one and did all the paperwork once chemo brain receded a bit and he sure as heck was trying to rip me off) Im now 3.5 years out from chemo and while I miss having "someone" in my life, no way I would want that lying mongrel back. How someone can turn from being your soulmate, the one person in the world who will "get" you everytime, to a monster that you dont even recognise anymore is what puzzles me.

 Its not easy and we all know we would have been there for them, if it was them that had been dx'd with something serious. I think men just think differently from us, they have midlife crisis and dont seem to have a conscious. My ex, honest to god seems to have just blocked out what he did, how he lied to ALL family and friends for years and then when it was convenient for him, he just moved on with his new life, new job, existing mistress and baby.

Im doing okay, not miserable but not ecstatically happy either and I do dwell on it all occasionally if I dont keep myself distracted with other things. Certainly not about to trust another man though, which is a shame, I was a good wife lol. Clearly wasnt clingy or he never would have gotten away with so much for so long. lmao, he walked out the last time saying he loved only me, but had to set up house with the mistress as she wouldnt let him see his kid otherwise, likely story huh Yell A fine examle of how men try to make themselves look good and fail miserably.

 Persevere ladies and dont let those pittiful excuses for men do more damage to our lives than they already have. I would never set out to hurt my ex or his family in any way but I do hope that Karma turns up someday and kicks him in the butt. 

Oddly due to the marriage breakup, bc didnt really hit me that hard. I just did what I was told and tried not to think at all, just concentrated on getting well.

I hope anyone out there going through this at present realises none of this is our fault, we didnt do anything but love and trust our husbands, they are the ones who have to live with and answer for their actions now and in the future. We just have to live and get through our tx's and try as best we can to move on with having happy healthy lives.

Dx 12/4/2008, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 1/18 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Dx 12/4/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 2, 1/18 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/14/2008 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left Surgery 12/18/2008 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary Chemotherapy 1/18/2009 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Ellence (epirubicin), Fluorouracil (5-fluorouracil, 5-FU, Adrucil), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 8/9/2009 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Sep 19, 2012 03:38PM - edited Sep 19, 2012 03:38PM by Dakota212

It's scary to see this, my husband starting having an affair three years ago and has promised me that he is coming home. I really believed him until this last time. He is so selfish. I am having surgery and I don't even know if he will take me to the hospital. There is so much more I could go on forever, it's finally hitting me that I don't need that in my life, I am sick of the lies, the insecurities.... Hope we all find better places ... Faith, love, and pixie dust... We can do this together!!

💓💓💓 Onco type score 32 Dx 7/16/2012, IDC, 2cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/27/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 11/7/2012 AC + T (Taxol)
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Sep 22, 2012 10:25AM serenity4all wrote:

Life is throwing , not one, but at least two challenges at you, at the same time. It all comes down to your ability to find , within yourself, and hold on to it, love and acceptance of who you are, and the inner peace that comes with it. It is a universal path you are walking on. So, remember, you are never alone.

We'll think of you on September 28th.  

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Sep 22, 2012 05:31PM Dakota212 wrote:

Serenity-
Thanks, I know I can handle it all it would be nice if he cared even an ounce. Just makes wonder what I did on this earth that dealt me such a horrible Hand.

💓💓💓 Onco type score 32 Dx 7/16/2012, IDC, 2cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/27/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 11/7/2012 AC + T (Taxol)
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May 14, 2013 11:48PM tbear17 wrote:

It's hard to believe this was all in my recent past.  Just an update for everyone, my divorce became finalized early this year.  I met a wonderful man last spring and we actually just got engaged (:  I truly understand what it means to love and be loved now.  There was better out there for me all along, I just had to wade through some pretty rough waters to get there.  Health wise I am fully recovered and am back at work as an RN, working with oncology patients. I even started taking some college courses.  My period came back after chemo, and we will try for a family after the wedding.  I have let go of the anger I had toward my ex.  I honestly feel nothing but pity towards him.  I'm sure he thinks of me every month when he has to write that big fat check to pay me back for the house. I am happily using that money towards my wedding 0:      To all that read this post, please don't lose hope.  There is another side to this as long as we can let go of the past and embrace God's plan. Sometimes life is very unfair, we can't choose what happens to us but only our reaction to it.  I wish you all good health and much happiness and thanks to you all for the kind words when I REALLY needed them.  Hugs!  Keri

Dx 7/15/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 26, 2013 01:29AM Shellies wrote:

OMGosh!  I am SO thrilled for you!!!  HOORAY!!!

I TOTALLY see God's hand in my situation too... I would have put up with an unhappy / disfunctional / emotionally abusive marriage to honor my committment if he hadn't cheated on me during chemo...   HARD to go through, but I'm free of that horrible union and meeting incredible MEN!!!  

You made my night!!!  Praying for you!!!  <hugs>

-Shellie

Dx 11/28/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 1/36 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/15/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right Hormonal Therapy 2/12/2012 Chemotherapy 4/9/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 7/23/2012 Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap Surgery 10/19/2012 Prophylactic ovary removal
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Jun 5, 2013 11:21PM grayeyes wrote:

tbear17 - I am just now reading this thread, and I'm so happy to hear how everything has turned out for you! Smile

I am going through a divorce right now.  He was living a double life and cheating while I was fighting cancer, though he kept denying it.  Now he's living with another woman.  We have kids, so right now we are fighting over custody and visitation.

My oncologists told me that, sadly, this scenario is very common for breast cancer patients.  They claim that many men leave when their wives are diagnosed with cancer, whereas women tend to stick by their husbands when they are diagnosed with cancer. 

After the lying cheat left, I, too, became close to a nice man, but then I had to tell him that I cannot get together with him, anymore, due to a number of reasons.  Now I'm sad again.  But it felt good that someone cared for me... if only for awhile.  There are decent men out there, ladies, even if they seem hard to find sometimes.

2011: Left MX w/TE (Ki67: 60%) AC x 4, Taxol x 12, Radiation, Tamoxifen, BRCA2+ Dec. 2012: Right prophylactic MX w/TE, ooph; June 2013: Final exchange; Nov. 2013: Fat grafting; 2014: Arimidex; 2015: Femara REST IN PEACE, MELANIE Dx 11/23/2010, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 2/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jun 13, 2013 11:10AM anastasiab wrote:

Thank you all for posting on this and thank you tbear17 for updating your initial post as it gives me hope!  I posted on another page about how my live in bf dumped me twice via text the week I was scheduled to start rad therapy, giving me 7 different reasons as to why he decided to end the relationship, which was really without significant problems other than then an occasional speed bump.  I've been beating myself up about how if I were MORE perfect or hadn't had cancer he never would have left.  Fact is, he probably would have left for the same 7 reasons.  I've had some pitch black dark days and am begging to be put on more meds...all while working full time, raising two teenagers and going through rad therapy. 

Again, thank you, good luck in your new relationship and life and god bless  :-)

Dx 1/4/2013, ILC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 1/25 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/31/2013 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right Radiation Therapy 4/22/2013 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy
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Jun 14, 2013 09:41PM FineOne12 wrote:

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I had a similar experience where I was with a man whom I considered to be the love of my life.  We were not married but had been together for 3 plus years.  I seriously would have been okay if I didn't make it through my cancer as long as he was holding me.  I would have taken a bullet for this man.  Well guess what, the evening of my second chemo treatment I asked him where we are going from here and he said "I have my own health to worry about I can't worry about you too".  I asked him to leave and he did.  The year before my diagnosis he had a heart attack and I stood by him and did whatever I could to make his life easier.  I was not only mourning the loss of my breast but more importantly the man I thought was my soul mate.  He is a picture of health today as am I but we did not get back together.  Time heals all wounds and life goes on and you have to as well and you will.  Keep your head up, be strong and keep your feet moving forward.

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Aug 1, 2013 06:13PM Happijac wrote:

Hi ladies,

I stumbled upon this blog when feeling very low last night and can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories, your pain and your honesty. My husband/partner of 16 years has just done exactly the same thing to me. 21st July was his birthday, 4 weeks after my 4th surgery in the last 12 months, this time reconstruction with lat dorsi muscle after an original lumpectomy, chemo, double mastectomy, 2 weeks in hospital with a serious infection and removal of tissue expander, and then this last surgery to put me back together again in June.

His signs are the same as everyone else, initial concern, support, still leaving me to handle everything (I'm the strong one) and we have our own business so I have continued with running the office, aprt time university, cleaning, cooking. Blah blah blah, you all get it.

So home from dinner out with friends, cagey, changed facebook password etc. Turns out he's having at least an emotional affair - rang me in hospital to say too busy to come in as problems with the truck while having coffee with her. Not sure if he loves me; he's confused, a little bored, a bit depressed. Wants to work on things.

5 days later; definitely doesn't love me, not interested in counselling. I found about about the woman so it's my fault for snooping. 3 days later - wants a separation and feels he needs to go f*** other women to get his mid-life crisis out of his system.

So I've had less than 2 weeks to get my head around this and the usual thoughts of losing my husband, home, dogs, step-daughters (oldest is having her first baby in November and I'm supposed to be there for the birth). How the man I truly loved and who I thought loved me could do this to me just blows my mind and I, like most of you, was totally blindsided.

Oh ... and now I have short hair and have put on weight I am no longer attractive to him - and at my heaviest now I am 74kg (approx 160lb) and an Australian size 12. It's not like I blew up to a size 20. I haven't even cried over the cancer diagnosis or asked him to take me to appointments. He's had to do nothing.

So back to last night .... My head is telling me that from a practical, logical, intellectual and spiritual point of view I need to move on from this loser and start my better life. My heart however is going to take some time to catch up to my head.

Reading all of your posts has made me feel less alone, proved this is not my fault but his own lack of strength and pure selfishness and gave me the first decent night sleep in 2 weeks.

I am fortunate I am in a position where I will be able to move to another home and have some measure of financial security, and for that I am grateful, but my biggest turning point has been the wonderful posts above.

I wish all of you ladies, bright futures, filled with strength and love and the opportunity to heal away from the loser men we ended up with.

Tbear17 I am so happy your life has moved forward so positively.

I am sharing firstly for gratitude and secondly, someone else may look at this page and see she is not alone!

xx        

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Aug 25, 2013 12:35AM Rosesark53 wrote:

Wow, why did I ever think I was alone!!!?? Yes, maybe there should be a thread for this. I got diagnosed with lymes disease about 8 years ago. By the time they found it, it had already done a lot of dammage. I was in bed for a year not being able to walk, begging the doc to cut my legs off to stop the pain, went thru 6 hr infusions monthly, was in a wheelchair, finally a scooter then thankfully a cane. Hubby was there with me all the time, then one day started being distant more and more. I had my first episode of tachycardia, called doc he said get to ER, asked DH to take me, he ws playing a game, said he didnt really want to go, so terrified I drove myself. Was in a room, doc holding my hand giving me an iv saying they were going to get heart back in rhythm, but was going to feel a pause. Was so scared. Looked up, here DH finally coming down hall. For days just felt a bell going off. Started watching, caught a phone call, caught a bunch of calls on a cell bill not mine. Confronted him, yes he was seeing someone. He said that my being ill had just sucked his soul dry, he just wasnt sure he loved me anymore. Sucked his soul dry.???!!! Man, what a waste of time that at the same time I was thanking god, that it was me who got sick and not him. But you know, what goes around , comes around!!

Surgery 10/1/2008 Lumpectomy: Left Dx 7/5/2009, DCIS, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 7/5/2009, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/14/2009 Mastectomy: Left Hormonal Therapy 8/13/2009 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Aug 28, 2013 11:28PM milkyway2 wrote:

What goes around comes around but I think it Will be too tooo late i also heard deppression and feeling hollow etc. I feel like i was travelling on wrong bus for 19 years of marriage. I hope life goes well n when we lookback atleast we will have no regret.i have given 110% to my relation cancer was not my fault it was just a silly excuse men should act like a real man



will be tooo late

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Sep 8, 2013 03:50AM serenitywisdom wrote:

HI,

I haven't been on this thread since 2/18/2012  but was feeling rather lonely, and sad  and wondered how people were doing during and post divorce.  

TBEAR- your story was uplifting and gave me some hope.  I have no expectation that I will meet another man  (I am over 60 and most men don't look at women my  age who have had breast cancer, I would imagine) but just knowing things might get better after the divorce is hopeful.  And being rid of my ex and living more peacefully has definitely improved my happiness and serenity. Also hopefully I can get employed again .  I also am a RN.

I finished chemo in about March 2012 and then had breast  reconstruction and a couple minor procedures after that.  Luckily no health issues, although my liver tests have been a little off but they say no problem. 

I finally served  papers on my hopefully soon to be ex April 2012.  It has been 39 years married to this abusive jerk/narcissist  He moved out late in 2011 and started living with his new girlfriend while I was still in chemo .

Our family has been torn apart.  My daughter won't speak to her father anymore since he insisted that she meet his new girlfriend and that they  would have a new happy family.  My  other child who has a developmental disability is confused and asks if his father can be married to me and the other woman.  

Financially things have been tough.  My soon to be ex (while I was in chemo  and before I discovered he was in a long term relationship with another woman),  told me to apply for early retirement social security since we needed the money.  I did that and he now uses that income to reduce the  temporary spousal support .  During chemo, he kept insisting I should be working although I was having some serious heart issues/side effects.  Luckily my oncologist said she would write a letter stating I should not work.  His attorney dropped the demand that I should have a vocational assssment.

Now we have a trial set regarding date of seperation.  He originally said date of marriage being over was 1997 but the judge rolled his eyes and told him to come up with another date.  He was served papers in 2012.   He now says the date of seperation should be 2010 and that the only reason he did not proceed with the divorce was due to my medical problems.  However he was living with me until late in 2011.  I figure he is proposing  2010 so he can claim that I owe him money for all the medical bills which were not covered by insurance.  

So bottom line, I hope my attorney is good and  that I won't be using all of the proceeds from selling our house on attorneys fees.  House we lived in for 18 years was just sold yesterday and I am now living in condo, but at least I have a roof over my head and peace and quiet.   Having cancer and this type of stress is not good for us.  But I am trying to make the best of it.  One day at a time and I try and do a much better job of taking care of myself.  I take time to make myself good healthy food, go to the beach with my dog, and see my friends.

Hugs

Dx 1/2011, IDC, 2cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/24 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Surgery 2/1/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy 4/9/2011 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 4/9/2011 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/27/2012 Reconstruction (right)
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Sep 8, 2013 04:56AM IngridJ wrote:

Serenitywisom..
BTW; (they're the two things I need more of..)
Am going through similar at the moment. Two years after separation of prevaricating and financial finagling by him, and right when mediation etc booked, found lump... everything cast aside, surgery, chemo, still need to complete recon.. My ex then tried to force our court case ahead even though I had barely completed chemo and with the diagnosis, my lawyers had applied for adjournment on medical grounds. So I had to go to court, sit there and listen to his barrister argue that I was deliberately stringing out the process and as I had just taken my kids away skiing was obviously fit to stand trial.. The worst point in my life. I think.. Cried. Because as bad as the breast cancer was and is, it had nothing on the lowness of his actions. We have four kids together... Like the judge in your case, this one rolled her eyes and said; why are we here ??
So adjourned until November, and now mediation booked again..Like your ex; mine is creative with the dates and rewriting history. Like you, am hoping lawyers can sort it out before we both spend a small fortune funding their (the lawyers) holiday houses and retirement funds..
Am just taking it one day at a time, trying to regain health and strength for my kids. Have a cold at the moment, no hair, so not such a great day.. Men are not worth it IMO.. Just not. Not that all are like my ex but still..My dog is now the only significant other in my life.. And my kids of course...
So I hear you sister, and re the stress.. Trying like you to rise above it.. This too shall pass...keep on keeping on..:))

Dx 3/22/2013, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 3/27/2013 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 6/3/2013 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Sep 12, 2013 03:51AM serenitywisdom wrote:

Dear Ingrid and others facing this,

It has been almost a year and half since I finished my last herceptin infusion  and then had reconstructive surgery.  I am doing ok now and try to make a grateful list which lifts my spirits.  Sometimes I get lonely but then tell myself why would I want to be with a man who would leave his wife for another woman while she is in the middle of chemotherapy.  So much for marriage vows of sickness and in health.  It says a whole lot more about their character or  lack of to do such a thing.    I think the judges have seen this type of thing and hopefully get it and not allow this type of outrageous behavior to be rewarded.  My soon to be ex currently pays very little support stating he is not earning any income as the president of his company.  This type of stress I don't need but I am just going to do it one day at a time, as you said.  I too have a much better companion who loves me unconditionally and doesn;t care if I have cancer-  my rescue dog whom I got after he moved out.  The dog and I rescued each other.  I am just trying to concentrate on healing and move on.

Hugs to everyone

Dx 1/2011, IDC, 2cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/24 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Surgery 2/1/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy 4/9/2011 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 4/9/2011 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/27/2012 Reconstruction (right)

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