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All TopicsForum: Emotional Crises: Anxiety, Depression & Other Emotional Effects → Topic: STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Topic: STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Forum: Emotional Crises: Anxiety, Depression & Other Emotional Effects —

Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around breast cancer fears, diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Jul 16, 2015 12:21PM - edited Aug 2, 2017 01:46AM by sas-schatzi

sas-schatzi wrote:

This thread is meant to be for RANTS and RANTING. Then Rant again. We need a place to simply get rid of the anger. Write it here. Unleash it all. Get it out. This isn't meant for the Stupid comments(great thread). This is for the gut wrenching, tell them off anger.

IMPORTANT: When done ranting don't necessarily stick around. Toxic. Drop the rant and find a better thread.

Only rules: Please, follow them as the Mods will shut it down in a heartbeat( waving Mods)

1. Be careful to not mention docs, nurses, hospitals by name. Defamation and all that tedious legal stuff

2. If it's caused by someone on BCO, just don't mention their name. I think the exception will be if someone is stalking you, blow their anonymity wide open. A stalker doesn't deserve politeness.

3. If you think the rant is about you, let it go, they're no names. Don't take it personal. This is the steam room.

4. If they're is a fight, don't expect the Mods to moderate, it was your choice to come here.

5. After writing a rant, do nothing more, re-read at a future time. Decide if it's important enough for you to cut and paste the rant to whomever caused you the anger. It's a choice. Sometimes it needs to be done, but remember they're can be fall out.

6. ######## pound those keys, SCREAM(caps), J*&R$WSDF&(swear)

7. Religion and politics discussion should go to those topical threads. IF their is something that impacts cancer, it belongs here.

I will revise topic box as needed-sassy

For puking and the color works pukeewogh

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting "holy crap....what a ride".
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Aug 20, 2017 09:27PM - edited Aug 20, 2017 09:35PM by beach2beach

Cancer sucks. It mentally cripples you even if it doesn't physically and to many it does both. It affects your loved ones and sometimes you find out who really are your friends and family when they don't run. It sucks, it needs to be eradicated.

I was good with life before, I did not need this to appreciate life even more...I don't see it as a "gift" as some say. That's just me. Just like they say money can't buy happiness,,,well I'd sure like the opportunity to try! Yet that one has not arrived.

I know I could have it worse. The anxiety of it can cripple. Can make you feel lonely. Who understands it unless they have been through it. The less that know about my dx the better I think. I want people to still see me, not my dx.

There's no rhyme or reason. Just plain SUCKS!!!!

Dx 7/28/2017, LCIS/DCIS/ILC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/8/2017 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Hormonal Therapy 9/12/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 21, 2017 02:07AM Jumpship wrote:

Beach- I'm with you. It is so not a gift.

My rant today is short term memory loss with tamoxifen. It has come and gone but this week it is strong. I can remember being in the mall and not going in the Apple Store but for the life of me I can't remember if I had the iPad in my hands or left it at home, if it's at home I can't find it and it's been a month. The blocks of time that I have no memory of is just scary. I. Hate. This

Negative for 16 of 17 gene markers. Positive for NBN-marker of unknown significance. Dx 7/2/2014, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (FISH) Surgery 9/30/2014 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy 11/21/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 11/21/2014 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Aug 21, 2017 11:53AM runor wrote:

I agree with this Hallmark idea that somehow the 'gift of cancer' will endown me with gracious life appreciation, wisdom, smiling tolerance and forgiveness, blah, blah, blah. Often I look at a moment I'm in, view the people, the setting, the feeling of the weather and I think, this is all going to be taken away. And I do not 'savour' the moment. Instead I am floored, completely flattened out with a sense of grief and panic and despair to crippling that that alone can kill a person.

I also resent the word 'fight'. This isn't a fight. "She lost the battle" I want to puke when I hear those words. We ALL lose the battle eventually and not every person who dies is said to have 'lost the battle'. So why does cancer get singled out to imply that the people who die from it have somehow failed? Didn't fight hard enough, long enough or right enough. The word FIGHT implies two equal opponents in a ring. This is not that. This is a big monster brute (cancer) stepping out of the crowd and sucker punching some dweeb (me) right in the head. This is an assault. I just hope I pull through. But fight? Nope, sorry, this was an attack. Not the same. I never put up a fight, never saw it coming, just doing what I can to stay alive and hoping it works. I don't feel victorious, like Rocky bouncing around the boxing ring. No. I feel attacked and unsafe in a world that I used to feel much more confident in.

Yes, beach2beach, cancer sucks that feeling of invincibility and stability right out of your life. I think any diagnosis of a disease that you're not going to recover from does the same. I find I'm getting tired of people asking me how I am? There is no short, simple answer to that. I am trying to live a normal life knowing I may not be here a year, 3 years, 7 years from now. I was 27 when my dad died of bone cancer and I was not ready to lose him and some days have missed him so much it hurts to breathe. Now I look at my own daughter who just turned 25 and find myself asking, how old will she be when she loses her mother? My brain dwells in morbid, black places. Then I have to suck it up and get on with pretending everything is normal. But when people ask how I am I do not say, " I am tied to a train track, we know the train is coming, we've heard the whistle and seen the steam rising from the stack, now I'm just waiting for it to run me over entirely and cut me in half but really, other than that, I pretend to be fine. So, yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. My boob has healed from surgery and radiation mostly, I'm taking my Tamoxifen and still tied to the train track. But I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 21, 2017 03:11PM bcincolorado wrote:

I know was on Tamox for 5 years and now on Femara instead for 5 more. MO said Tamox SE can kill you and moved me off to the AI instead. Of course now those SE are kicking me but he said they won't kill me. That's what he thinks. Losing my mind is losing my mind and might as well not be there if you can't concentrate sometimes.

Dx 8/2009, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 1/30/2016 Femara (letrozole)
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Aug 21, 2017 03:11PM Lita57 wrote:

Runor...as St 4 person, I feel like my body is Hiroshima, and cancer just dropped an atom bomb on me.

There will be no survivors.


Stage IV Occult, Amorphic right from the gate. New Brain Mets Aug 2017. I've been dragged into an arranged marriage that I didn't agree to, & divorce is totally off the table now that I'm married to Mr. Cancer. STAGE IV LIVES MATTER! Dx 4/14/2016, IDC, Left, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 4/26/2016 External: Bone Targeted Therapy 5/14/2016 Chemotherapy 5/21/2016 Xeloda (capecitabine) Radiation Therapy 4/19/2017 External: Bone Dx 8/23/2017, IDC, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 9/5/2017 External: Brain Chemotherapy 10/10/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel)
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Aug 21, 2017 03:43PM seachain wrote:

Yea, that crap of "appreciate life". Well, I was appreciating well enough before cancer. Now, not so much.

If you want to know about risks with LD Flap reconstruction, ask me. Everything that could go wrong... well, did. Surgery 10/18/2009 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Latissimus dorsi flap, Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap, Silicone implant Dx 10/19/2009, LCIS/DCIS/ILC/IDC/IDC: Cribriform, Right, 4cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/19/2009 Reconstruction (left): Latissimus dorsi flap; Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap Chemotherapy 5/3/2010 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 8/11/2010 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary Hormonal Therapy 8/31/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole), Aromasin (exemestane), Femara (letrozole) Surgery 9/14/2010 Reconstruction (left): Latissimus dorsi flap; Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap Surgery 3/16/2011 Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction Surgery 1/6/2016 Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap, Nipple reconstruction, Nipple tattoo
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Aug 21, 2017 10:17PM - edited Aug 21, 2017 10:17PM by beach2beach

Not for nothing, I would get depressed watching St. Jude and other cancer commercials before, now forget about it. It's like they are on every other commercial reminding me, I don't need any help with reminders. Wish I could program my own commercials, they would be only of food and booze on a tropical island so i could picture myself there.

Dx 7/28/2017, LCIS/DCIS/ILC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/8/2017 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Hormonal Therapy 9/12/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 22, 2017 04:58PM Bluebird-DE wrote:

Runor, I get it. When you said... "But when people ask how I am I do not say, " I am tied to a train track, we know the train is coming, we've heard the whistle and seen the steam rising from the stack, now I'm just waiting for it to run me over entirely and cut me in half but really, other than that, I pretend to be fine. So, yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. My boob has healed from surgery and radiation mostly, I'm taking my Tamoxifen and still tied to the train track. But I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.""

I am dealing with Stage iv, also autoimmune diseases of hypothyroid, lupus, scleroderma (esophagus, lungs it seems, to be determined from tests) Sjorgen's. All chronic, none will ever let up. Add one head on collision right after I got on my feet from cancer back in Feb 2015, knocked on my arse for 12 months then the cancer came back with a vengeance right where the airbags hit me. Hubby had just retired, we had money to travel and live like we wante. But that accident and cancer took all my energy, focus, hope, creativity, sense of well being, interest in anything but getting better. Then the autoimmune diseases kicked it up due to the drugs and radiation. I sit here trying to stabilize my emotions and hope and mental energy when I can barely walk across the house without suffering.

Could have done without the cancer. Could have done without the head on collision. Could have done without the autoimmune diseases that wipe out your everything too. Could have done without the division where I worked (online sales) closing and taking my livelihood. Now I don't see how I will ever get to the UK to see my daughter but man no that is in the future, so why worry about that.

Oh the stories I could tell. And someday I will, one at a time.

That time lapse for memory, scary stuff for you Jumpship. We're supposed to be grateful for the drugs and the chance to live another month or year or decade. But most of the last two years I could have missed. My only hope now is a rheumatologist to get me through the suffering from the autoimmune which overlaps with the cancer and one cannot tell which is which or what to do. This doctor seems to looking at me like a wonderful puzzle to solve and for that I AM grateful.

"Every mistake I have made has proven to be invaluable information for someone. Namely, me." Me. Diane Dx 7/15/2011, IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IV, metastasized to liver/lungs/other, Grade 3, 3/11 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 4/5/2017 Xeloda (capecitabine) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole) Radiation Therapy External: Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Left
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Aug 22, 2017 07:42PM runor wrote:

Bluebird, wow. I read posts like yours and wonder where people find the will to open their eyes every morning and carry on. Yet we do. I hope your puzzle solving doc works you up like a Rubik's cube and gets you living the very best you can. Fingers crossed for some positive news for you.

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 22, 2017 10:22PM - edited Aug 22, 2017 10:37PM by Micmel

I sit and look around my house, I have lived here 19 years. Ever since I was diagnosed I sit in my living room and look at each and everything that is mine. What does it matter that is it mine now? I can't imagine this home and my not coming home to it. I raised two kids and a step son in this house, how can it be, that someday I won't be here to even use my own belongings?Everything is so familiar, but seems so strange now that it hurts me to even think of a memory at any given time. Or god forbid I am in a store that has a song that holds some memories from my well times. I worry I'll see people I know because I also feel like they are now strangers,because they aren't sick. They can't possibly get it. Even just listening about the eclipse. All the hoopla surrounding it,should I look.?? The next one is a while away, what if you're not here anymore? I live exhausted all the time and the other half Is Spent sweating heat flashes, and fearing any tiny pain anywhere. Or the slightest headache. Or twitch. I want to continue to live or fight even though it's not a battle. It's living cancer. But somedays. I don't want to feel so sick, it's not pain. But the feeling of having the worst flu you have ever imagined, that just doesn't go away. I plan things in my mind to do during the day when I am laying in bed. But I never do any of them. I want too. I honestly do. I just can't. My bones are creaky now that the cancer has moved in. Now I realize why they are always asking me if I have fallen. I used to think they thought I was an idiot. Now i realize. It's because your balance is truly non existent any longer. My hair has grown back, not the long thick straight hair I had. But the complete opposite of what I had and loved. But why should it come back the way I want it too? Nothing else associated with this cancer has! Par for my not to successful course. I look at myself in the mirror. And I am alone in this room of cancer. I have tremendous support and love from my precious DH. But when I go through blood work and that viscous chemo that they delightfully bring to you in a hazmat suit and tell you to relax. I am alone. When I dream or cry myself to sleep. I am alone. When the grim reaper decides to come for me. I will be alone. Cancer is a lonely disease to which there are no words to express the hell that one feels, from that horrible day of diagnosis to the hour glass of our lives that hold the sands of the time I have left. No one deserves this. No one.

Blue~ I would offer some uplifting slogan or phrase. But I am not inthe bullsh*tting business. You got a crap ass deal and I am sorry that you are going through this. I truly am. I will add you to my prayers. I wish I could offer the answer we all need in just four little letters. Cure...... that's all we need....... ~M~

Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy
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Aug 23, 2017 01:02AM - edited Aug 23, 2017 01:03AM by Lita57

in so much pain today. Low rbc's have caused macrocytic anemia and very low blood pressure leading to intracranial hypotension, causing horrible throbbing headaches and dizziness.

Daughter came home from date and just brought me her old Tinky winky doll to cheer me up a bit. Priceless.


Stage IV Occult, Amorphic right from the gate. New Brain Mets Aug 2017. I've been dragged into an arranged marriage that I didn't agree to, & divorce is totally off the table now that I'm married to Mr. Cancer. STAGE IV LIVES MATTER! Dx 4/14/2016, IDC, Left, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 4/26/2016 External: Bone Targeted Therapy 5/14/2016 Chemotherapy 5/21/2016 Xeloda (capecitabine) Radiation Therapy 4/19/2017 External: Bone Dx 8/23/2017, IDC, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 9/5/2017 External: Brain Chemotherapy 10/10/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel)
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Aug 23, 2017 04:25AM - edited Aug 23, 2017 04:32AM by Gingernurse

I am sooo glad that this forum is here. I don't want to sound like a B&*ch- however- I just may. No buts here. Its been a total SH*T year for me. My husband 'broke up' with me on October 21, 2016. I never should have married him as I now see so many red flags. He filed a Bankrupcty and bragged about it. While we were first dating he had to bring his groceries over because his ELECRICITY got turned off. And my stupid ass let him bring his food over to store in my fridge.( I've know him since I was 15 now).

The reality of it is I wanted to leave the relationship many times, but I was stuck finacially and like a complete dumb-ass, moved out of state, bought a house only in my name because his credit sucked and married him. I resented him a drank too much. He had a 4 month affair I found out about after he'd left me in 2013 and came back. Bottom line I never got over it. Time and time again I let him put stuff on CC to the total debt of 37K! DUMMY. He finally moved out in December because I stupidly let a co-worker convince me to make him move out. I was mean to him and heartless. That I take complete responsibiltiy for.

This chick seemed okay although I didnt really know her that well. I felt bad for her when she said her own sister was saying awful things like,' you walk around like the world owes you ', and ' you never clean up after yourself or your daughter' (2 years old amlost 3). I was like, OMG that's awful, we can have an all girls house, it'll be great. Never got a security deposit, nor a written agreement. My mistake, all mine. She'd asked me what my credit score was initally thinking the house was his. Let's just say you dont know somebody will you live with them. She had no respect for me or my home, Used all my cleaning prodcuts, paper towels, expensive shampoo, facial moisurizer and walked around naked. Her 3 YO dropped my 19 year old cat and he lost his balance falling down the stairs and died 1 week later.

Then had the BALLS to screw this dude and try to move his unemployed ass and his kid in. They were always in my living room or my dining room whcih only had 4 chairs, so I basically hid in my room. She stopped paying rent and said she was going to pay weekly and never did. She had her crap in my house and refused to move it out. I'd been depressed becuase I had gotten suspended from work and she said ," God Dona, it could be worse , you could have cancer. I don't know what you're so upset about" totally turning her narcissistic self into the center of attention because her mom passed away last year of cancer. B**CH, I DO and DID have cnacer!!! What an ASS. Her own sister said those awful things to her because they were true. I had been with my hsuband for 15 years. so yeah, I think I had a right to be upset. SO I wised up, found official document I could give her, changed the locks and put her SH*T on the porch. I even bagged up the trash she'd left and put it with her stuff. Yes I did put a tarp over it. I wish I didn't, but my stupid ass seeems to always give people the benefit of the doubt and 2nd, 3rd, &4th undeserved chances because, honestly, I don't know. Yes I do, its because I'm deathly afraid to be alone. Especially dying alone, like my mom did. That was hard to admit, but I'm about done with playing nice and not being honest with myself and others.

SO I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO PAY MY cc'S HAVE CREDITORS AND LAW OFFICES CALLING ME NOW. YES , I will be filing my own bakruptcy.

ANd now to the whole HER2 + & ERPR+ DX. My boobs have ALWAYS been the most sexually arousal point I've ever had, and now its either Lumpectomy (I HOPE) or MS. And I've Had sex 2x in the last 18 months and it wasn't with my husband. I went in to have a urethral sling placed in March to stop my stress incontinence and ended up with a hysterectomy instead. 3 giant fibroids were basically compressing my uterus. No wonder we had 4 failed IUI's. Oh, I hadn't mentioned that we(meaning I ) spent 10K on fertiltiy treatments.... no baby. Now I'm faced with getting my ovaries out (YIPPIE FREAKING SKIPPY) I mean I feel so scared I'll NEVER have sex agian- I meam who wants a dried up old hoo-ha anyway?!?!?!? I'm pissed, scared, angry, terrified, confused, anxious about getting so sick from my TX ( tomorrow is round 2 of TCHP). I did wise up and find a new group of doctors to go to and I do have confidence in them.... so far. At least this time I'm getting prescribed medication (dexamethasone to take the night before 1st TX nothing and my initial carboplatin dose was too high) and hopefully less SE than the last time. I lost 21 lbs in 14 days. Yes, I'll admit I'm waaayyy overweight, but that isnt the way I wanted to lose it. I gave up drinking alcohol pre chemo and as sick as I was last week with the starvation stools, dehydration and blacking out and falling, I don't think I ever will poison myself with alcohol again considering what this chemo is doing to my liver, spleen and kidneys.

I am not religious whatsoever. People say oh you're so strong, If they only knew. As sick as I was a scared, and alone, I welcomed death. Today is a different day, yes. I am getting sick of happy go lucky phoneys and I want to punch people in the face who say, 'oh you'll get through it" I'm like really, actually take my life right now, just take it, and see if you say that SH&T TO ME AGAIN!!! At least my husband who bought his own house with my 720 credit score said he will keep me on his health insurance until this is all over.

Thank you for letting me vent and hoefully, not lose my mind.

D
Dx 7/3/2017, IDC, Right, 2cm, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/1/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/1/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Aug 23, 2017 05:10AM Freya wrote:

Lita, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Hug

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 23, 2017 08:33AM beach2beach wrote:

Lila and Micmel, Freya and everyone, how I wish that one word, Cure, could just be said and it would happen.

Ginger, that's a a lot of crap b'shit you had going down and add the Bitch of cancer , all the well meaning words can't change it. It's like people say oh just take a deep breath and relax, or this too shall pass, what do I have a cold? Gas pains? Want to scream STFU! Don't you think Iv'e tried this all before. Tell me something I have'nt heard before please. I don't know what lies ahead, I'm still finding out but do know it's not a bump in the road, cancer is a major multi life threatening life altering many times multi diagnosis pile up that's not always easy or possible to get aroun

Dx 7/28/2017, LCIS/DCIS/ILC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/8/2017 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Hormonal Therapy 9/12/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 23, 2017 10:34AM runor wrote:

Micmel. Yes. Yes. Horribly, horribly yes. I have no words. Just, yes. I am so sorry.

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 23, 2017 06:31PM Bluebird-DE wrote:

Micmel - Never thought about not being here, I right off finished decorating my living room so Hubby would have a nice space he would like and now I am still here 4 years after the furniture arrived. But that empty spot that will be left and he has to deal with - and my dear dog - that hurts and angers me.

Runor and Micmel - thanks - I think he will, he already acknowledged mixed connective tissue disease with some of many diseases (lupus, scleroderma, Sjorgens) expressing themselves, some having more fun than others with my body. And he said my high RNP had to be taken seriously, has ordered test for the worst hat can happen in case heart is being affected and will work way back from there. Runor, you are right, some days I don't want to get up but every single day I get up and dress and go for coffee or brunch. I have to. Then home to get dinner and deal with things. And learn more. Other days I am at a medical appointment, no where else. But I always leave the house. Do or die.

Lita - wow - that's one to know about ahead of time, isn't it. No wonder you have been suffering so. Don't the labs get done every two weeks? If not they need to be and taken seriously. Could you have a stroke from this? !!! What is being done? Iron? other?

Gingernurse D - That's the thing about life - we live and learn (hopefully, right) and have to let go the past so we can deal with the crap of the present. But how?! When I am so angry at everything, I have yet to get through so many obstacles from the past, I just don't know.

I did begin an "A*^hole File" some years back. So people like doctors, attorneys, environmental protection agents who don't do their job, real estate agents, furniture sales people who did wrong could be pushed out of my mind but not forgotten...... I labeled it and stick the name and offense in the file, then know someday I will be back to deal with them but I don't have to think about them right now. And I have a few new names to add.

But some things I just cannot let go. Most of it has to do with the cancer and the medical professionals who did not listen or relay messages and who even lied and I ended up with a wild case of cancer of all lymph nodes and in a wheelchair.

"Every mistake I have made has proven to be invaluable information for someone. Namely, me." Me. Diane Dx 7/15/2011, IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IV, metastasized to liver/lungs/other, Grade 3, 3/11 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 4/5/2017 Xeloda (capecitabine) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole) Radiation Therapy External: Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Left
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Aug 23, 2017 07:59PM Dianarose wrote:

My twit step son sent me a text basically saying I ruin things for him and his brothers because my DH won't go places without me. The past few months I've been on deaths door and in a freaking wheelchair. Let's just leave her home so we can go have fun. Hopefully I live a lot longer just for spite. Christmas just got s ton easier. So over all of them!

6/10/13 mets to ovary now. Now mets. To peritoneal stage IV Dx 3/22/2012, ILC, Both breasts, 1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, 17/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 5/31/2012 CMF Radiation Therapy 12/3/2012 3DCRT: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2013 Aromasin (exemestane)
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Aug 23, 2017 09:28PM Artista928 wrote:

DianaRose- I hope your DH kicks his son's ass for that! What the hell?? One less Christmas present to worry about for sure! I'm so angry for you! :X

Dx'd at 50. Doing it all, all by myself. Stopped Letrozole after 5 weeks. Debilitating se's. Back on Tamox now. Dx 6/2/2015, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (DUAL) Surgery 8/6/2015 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 11/3/2015 AC + T (Taxotere) Radiation Therapy 5/2/2016 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 6/28/2016 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 12/9/2016 Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 2/14/2017 Femara (letrozole) Hormonal Therapy 3/26/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 9/1/2017 Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Silicone implant
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Aug 23, 2017 10:58PM JustJean wrote:

Someone mentioned the eclipse. I was telling a good friend that I basically saw nothing because of weather here (and we were on the outside of really seeing anything good) and she tells me that my area is in the path of totality in 2024. My reply? "There is a very large chance that I will not be here in 2024 to see it."


It's very sad to know that that is probably a fact. And it pisses me off. I've been dealing with fucking cancer over a decade. I've beaten the outdated odds of longevity. But I want to be here and in decent enough health to enjoy that 2024 eclipse, dammit.


JJ

First diagnosed with LCIS Stage 0 in 2005. Then FOUR MORE TIMES. Now Stage IV. CANCER SUCKS. Dx 2005, LCIS, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Surgery 1/1/2005 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 2006, LCIS, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Dx 2006, LCIS Surgery 1/1/2006 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 6/1/2006 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel Dx 4/1/2010, ILC, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 5/1/2010 Mastectomy: Left, Right Hormonal Therapy 8/1/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole) Chemotherapy 8/1/2010 Adriamycin (doxorubicin) Chemotherapy 9/1/2010 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Dx 10/23/2014, ILC, 3cm, Stage IIIB, Grade 2, 0/0 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/2014, ILC, Stage IV, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 11/4/2014 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 12/5/2014 Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 2/1/2015 Aromasin (exemestane)
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Aug 23, 2017 11:38PM Beatmon wrote:

I said the same thing to my son...I probably won't be here for that eclipse in 2024. He immediately says yes you will. I told him I'm 65 now...7 more years with lung mets..I doubt it. I just try to prepare them.

I'm angry I probably will never hold a grandchild. I can't imagine the terror the younger women feel with their young kids.

Just Cure It

Dx 7/27/2012, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Surgery 8/9/2012 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 12/1/2013 Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery 7/1/2014 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 8/9/2014, IDC, Both breasts, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/27/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 8/27/2014 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/27/2014 Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Aug 24, 2017 12:23AM Lita57 wrote:

Bluebird and the rest of you dear ladies, I've just been punched in the face. I was SOOO confident about this new PET scan, but the results are in and they are bad. MAJOR PROGRESSION. More bone mets, new mets on pancreas and on abdominal wall, aorta involvement, femur, illiac, and the piece de resistance, I need a brain MRI.

As soon as I told MO about head pain, spots in front of eyes, ear noises, etc., her face dropped.

I am beyond angry at effin' Mr. Cancer. I am numb.

Taking medical marijuana tonight so I can try to sleep. Starting Taxol in 2 wks.

Trying not to freak out for the sake of my mentally ill daughter. We don't need this right now, but oh well. Mr. Cancer waits for no one.


Stage IV Occult, Amorphic right from the gate. New Brain Mets Aug 2017. I've been dragged into an arranged marriage that I didn't agree to, & divorce is totally off the table now that I'm married to Mr. Cancer. STAGE IV LIVES MATTER! Dx 4/14/2016, IDC, Left, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 4/26/2016 External: Bone Targeted Therapy 5/14/2016 Chemotherapy 5/21/2016 Xeloda (capecitabine) Radiation Therapy 4/19/2017 External: Bone Dx 8/23/2017, IDC, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 9/5/2017 External: Brain Chemotherapy 10/10/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel)
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Aug 24, 2017 06:06AM Gingernurse wrote:

this makes me cry as it's so true. We at the rawest point of this disease are alone. It sucks that this has happens and sadly it seems so far in my experience, only those who are stricken with it understand. cancer is an asshol

Dx 7/3/2017, IDC, Right, 2cm, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/1/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/1/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Aug 24, 2017 06:23AM Dianarose wrote:

Lita- it broke my heart to read your post this morning! So sorry for the dam progression. You have always been one of the most positive people on these threads so when people tell me stay positive I just want to choke the life out of them!!!! People who have no idea should say nothing! You are in my prayers sweetie

6/10/13 mets to ovary now. Now mets. To peritoneal stage IV Dx 3/22/2012, ILC, Both breasts, 1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, 17/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 5/31/2012 CMF Radiation Therapy 12/3/2012 3DCRT: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2013 Aromasin (exemestane)
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Aug 24, 2017 06:27AM Dianarose wrote:

Arista- my hubby wouldn't say shit to his rotten kids if he had a mouth full. They don't like me because they are always looking for daddy to give or loan them money and since we have been married that doesn't happen anymore. They just use and use. It makes me angry.

6/10/13 mets to ovary now. Now mets. To peritoneal stage IV Dx 3/22/2012, ILC, Both breasts, 1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, 17/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 5/31/2012 CMF Radiation Therapy 12/3/2012 3DCRT: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2013 Aromasin (exemestane)
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Aug 24, 2017 08:39AM Micmel wrote:

Lita~I am certainly not giving up on hoping the next tool in the box, won't be the one to help kick that cancer back!

It really adds another layer to the hatred I have for something I am not able to control. Cancer, So many, sooooo many people occupy these boards. We come here because it's some where we belong, it's not feeling the odd stares, or unwanted comments like Dianarose' un needed, undeserving comment from what is supposed to be family. Many good people suffer alone,many surrounded by a family or many friends. I can't imagine why anyone would want to say anything at all actually. Other than maybe I am sorry, or bring a hot meal over to the house. We are ignored,almost sometimes forgotten by those who claimed to love us, or have befriended us when we could keep up with the jones'. Some relationships have deepened. Others never really existed in the first place for them to falter over something so terribly scary. There is not a day go by that I am not mad-sad-numbed-still in shock-distraught-hopeful-furious all in one day. The why me's still hold a good portion of thoughts. Then others try to shut it out, hoping I can be one of the lucky ones who can thrive. Deep down I know I am not thriving. I am exsisting. I can make as many memories as I want. It still doesn't change the fact, that at some point a lot earlier than I would have ever thought, I won't be making any more. I am a lure, at the end of a fishing pole, the bait, wiggling and hanging out there alone. Just waiting and knowing soon the big fish is going to snag me right off of my lifeline into the dark waters of something no one can even tell me about. To me I don't know what that is. We all don't. But it scares me. I don't want to leave my precious DH, or my beautiful children, that I am watching turn into adults, that is what I call living. The ability to live and love until an old age, where allOf your most important life plans were made and lived because you actually got to see them happen. I don't want to live for the day I am in. I want to know that I will grow old and see the happy things that I worked so hard for take fruition. It's not a million dollars or gold jewelry, it's seeing my kids be independent and find their people, so that I may Rest In Peace at an old age knowing. I lived my life until all my things were done. Not living my life in fear of dying Tomorrow! ~M~ much love to all.

Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy
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Aug 24, 2017 09:57AM Freya wrote:

Lita, I am so sorry, FUCK cancer!

Dianarose, it is so nice to see you posting again. I have been keeping up with all you have been through. I want to say a huge thank you to you. You probably don't remember, but earlier this year I was really ill, my liver was failing, nothing was helping, and even my doctors told me this was my last chance chemo. After so many years I had failed all the other options with chemo and AI's. You were the only person who said, you can come back from this, as you had the previous year. I went from accepting this was my time up, to thinking I could get past this. Coincidence perhaps, but the following week my blood tests showed a small improvement, and every week since I have had the smallest improvement, but they do add up. I am no longer jaundiced, my liver no longer swollen, I'm still alive. You gave me hope.

Hugs to everyone going through a difficult time.

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 24, 2017 10:46AM Dianarose wrote:

Freya- thanks for the nice post. So happy you are doing well! Take that cancer!!

6/10/13 mets to ovary now. Now mets. To peritoneal stage IV Dx 3/22/2012, ILC, Both breasts, 1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, 17/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 5/31/2012 CMF Radiation Therapy 12/3/2012 3DCRT: Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 8/10/2013 Aromasin (exemestane)
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Aug 24, 2017 01:00PM runor wrote:

Lita, I am so sorry to hear this. Mortified. There are no words...

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 24, 2017 01:51PM - edited Aug 24, 2017 06:56PM by Artista928

Oh Lita, so heartbroken to read your post. Sending much love and prayers for another tool to kick it back. If you ever need anything, I'm next door in Fremont (near Decoto Rd), home 24/7 pretty much. Just pm me.. I check the board several times a day. Or if you want to give me your phone # , let me know so I can program it in my phone so I'll know it's you calling. xo

Dx'd at 50. Doing it all, all by myself. Stopped Letrozole after 5 weeks. Debilitating se's. Back on Tamox now. Dx 6/2/2015, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (DUAL) Surgery 8/6/2015 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 11/3/2015 AC + T (Taxotere) Radiation Therapy 5/2/2016 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 6/28/2016 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 12/9/2016 Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 2/14/2017 Femara (letrozole) Hormonal Therapy 3/26/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 9/1/2017 Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Silicone implant
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Aug 24, 2017 06:33PM runor wrote:

Oh my god! Oh my god! STEAMING.....!!

Allow me here, publicly, for all you cancer people to witness, apologize here to my mother and my daughter, BOTH of whom just tag teamed me on how "negative I am being, you are NOT dying and it's really hard on everyone around you to listen to you say you are, the caner is gone, you are not going to die so quit acting like you are."

Well, excuuuuse me!

First off, I DO NOT walk around telling people I'm dying! 90% of the time when someone asks how I am I say 'fine' even though I am not! Even though my head is a scrambled egg and I can't find my way in this new life. I can't unsee what I have seen. Mortality just ran up, dropped his drawers and dangled his big, hairy balls in my face and wow, I cannot get that picture out of my head. So yes, I try my damnedest to BE fine, but I am not! I struggle with it every day.

Twice now my mother, when someone has asked me how I am, has spoken right over me and said, "she's fine" and carries on the conversation in a different topic. How effing rude! I feel bad for the people asking because both their concern and my own feelings are completely crushed by my bully mother. She will not allow me to not be fine. She has decided I am fine and that's that. They cut the cancer out. It is gone. Get on with life.

Is it? Is it gone? How many of us on this site and millions of us NOT on this site wish to god that we believed in our heart of hearts that it was gone and gone forever? You have to be blind and stupid to read the statistics, to read the posts here and not grasp that cancer comes back. Sure, some of us will die of something else. Many of us will not and that, I am so sorry to say, is a truth that we all struggle with. We struggle to be fine. I am not there yet. And got my ass kicked for it.

My daughter (25) chimed in too, yeah mom, it's really hard on us who have to live with you. What? Let me understand this. I do everything I always have. The skin on my breast is still mottled radioactive peeling, I am exhausted, I don't know if it's radiation or tamoxifen kicking the shit out of me, but I push through, I push, and I do everything I always did looking after this house, the livestock and the people in it. But I should be more concerned for how my cancer attack is affecting you? Have you gone without clean clothes? Have you gone without food? Has the house fallen into filth around your ears? No? You mean I serve you like I did before but now I have some concern weighing my soul and it bothers you when I speak about it? Well. I am so sorry. My bad.

Fuck this.

The scars on my breast and armpit, not gone.

The numbness, not gone.

The shooting pains, not gone.

The lymphedema swelling my arm and breast and side, not gone.

The tamoxifen, not gone.

The worry, NOT GONE!

I have to give both my mom and daughter all the credit in the world for being honest enough to admit that THEIR comfort in this situation is the main focus. Cause really, it's all about them. Me having cancer is all about not bothering them, inconveniencing them or making them uncomfortable. It is my job to smile and carry on and not be a downer.

Just to be clear, I DO NOT walk around saying I'm dying. Someone please shoot me.

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)

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