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Forum: Emotional Crises: Anxiety, Depression & Other Emotional Effects —

Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around breast cancer fears, diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Aug 9, 2018 01:02PM - edited Aug 9, 2018 01:03PM by Jadedjo

Jadedjo wrote:

Too much silence from the people who called themselves my friends and family.left one final post on fb saying it's obvious y'all don't give a $&$@ so cancer b$&&h is gone. Logged out and don't plan on returning.most forget my birthday anyways and I don't need that heartbreak this year.

I'm cutting back here too.its obvious I've become a pest.

It is what it is I will either muddle through or die at this point I can't bring myself to care which.

The past couple of weeks have shown me that the people I thought would have support from don't care and it's only one friend and strangers I know on a public community that I get support from.Might update about PS Don't know yet.Probably about my disappointment that I won't get my first surgery choice cause the L in my luck is always replaced with an F with an ED added on.

Sad pathetic life a lot more empty then I thought it was.this diagnosis has opened my eyes to how very very alone I am. Don't know why I'm trying to fight for it.

Whatever. It is what it is. Should have known better.

Blessed be y'all. 

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 9, 2018 01:21PM mustlovepoodles wrote:

This is just so sad, Jadedjo. I'm sorry that the people in your real life have let you down. Serious illness will really separate the sheep from the goats, won't it? And how come there's so many dang goats?

i may not had read every one of your posts, but i have seen a lot of them. I thought most people responding to your posts were trying to be helpful and supportive. I haven't gotten the impression that anyone thinks you are a pest. We all recognize how hard it is to traverse these roads, or at least we should.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope that doesn't mean disappearing from the BCO boards.


Oncotype 23. Positive for PALB2 & Chek2 gene mutations. My breasts are trying to kill me! Dx 7/20/2015, DCIS/IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 8/20/2015 Lumpectomy Surgery 9/3/2015 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 10/19/2015 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 2/4/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 10/19/2016 Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole) Surgery
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Aug 9, 2018 01:45PM Meow13 wrote:

I have been there. Sometimes you just need to say screw them. Getting offline can be liberating. Done it myself.

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Aug 9, 2018 02:31PM ceanna wrote:

JadedJo, I'm sorry your family and friends are not responding to you in the way you need. Sometimes it's difficult for people to know what to say when they haven't experienced what you are experiencing. I'm glad you joined us here where others understand because we have one thing in common--breast cancer. You are at a difficult point--in the middle between diagnosis, surgery and treatment. I probably don't know your whole story, but I've noticed and read some of the threads you have started. Perhaps it would be easier for us to support you if you started just one thread and asked and responded to us on that one thread. I'd like to add you to "My Favorite Topics" but lose track of you when you've switched to a new thread. Another thought--are you journaling your experiences so when you are healing after surgery you can come on these boards and share your experiences with the next person in need? Meanwhile, we are here to listen and help you. (((((Hugs)))) Ceanna

Dx 2014, IDC, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Multi-catheter Surgery Lumpectomy: Right
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Aug 9, 2018 02:52PM Jadedjo wrote:

@mustlovepoodles

Thanks.I think I'm being a pest,without much supports in the offline world I been overdoing it here. I was able to take a step back and recognize that. I will still be watching.maybe answer a couple but I'm taking a step back and realizing that I should just keep my words to myself 80% of the time.

@meow13

Thank you,Sorry you been there I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone.pretty much my last post on fb was a polite way of saying screw you ...because I'm Canadian,eh...

@ceanna

Thanks ,the reason i switch threads is because I am mostly unsure where some go like the updates and stuff because I have some answers but nothing has really started yet,the emotional stuff I know goes here and when I have surgery I will be posting the experience and aftermath in the surgery thread.however it goes .. I hope I'm one of the success stories but at this point my will to live is so low I may end up dying on the table.thats how broken I feel right now.cancer is  literally taking almost everything away from me.

I will have a small notebook with me cause past experience tells me I remember nothing said to me after I wake up from anesthesia so I will be asking a nurse or someone to write down what the doctor said. I will probably jot notes too as I come more back to myself.


Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 10, 2018 12:43AM Moderators wrote:

Jo, please know we are all here to support you! You are not a pest at all, and are just trying to manage your diagnosis, like everyone else here. No one will understand where you're coming from better than us all, so please don't leave. We're all here for you!

Big hugs,

--The Mods

To send a Private Message to the Mods: community.breastcancer.org/mem...
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Aug 10, 2018 12:58AM Snickersmom wrote:

You are certainly not a pest!! We have all ranted and raved, laughed and cried together. We are all sisters, banded together by a horrible thread that none of us want to have. So hang onto this wonderful bunch of women (and men, too). It has been a lifeline for m and can be for you, too.

Don't give up. You do have a reason to live but it just might not be clear to you at this moment. One step at a time.

Dx 3/22/2017, ILC, Left, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 5/3/2017 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 6/12/2017 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Aug 10, 2018 02:37AM Jadedjo wrote:

Thanks, I will still be around just not as active.

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 10, 2018 05:42AM Meow13 wrote:

Jadedjo, you can always block certain people. I had to block someone that was constantly saying unwanted comments on BCO, directly and indirectly to me. I don't particularly want to do that but it really helped. We are here for support, taking a break can be very good for you.

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Aug 10, 2018 08:07AM Jadedjo wrote:

Meow13

Nobody is saying anything untoward. It's just me that feels like I'm being a pest and irritating but that is good to know.

Thank you.

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 10, 2018 08:29AM ceanna wrote:

JadeJo, it's great you plan to take notes about what the doctor says. That is just as important for pre and post appointments as it is for surgery and hospital release information. I found and still find that critical so I can review and remind myself of details and instructions.

You said 80% of the time you keep words to yourself so journaling might be a way of expressing yourself. I find journaling, separate from note taking, to be helpful to express my emotions, fears, concerns, and questions--not that anyone else but me is going to read it. See if you can find a pretty little notebook or journal and write out your thoughts or sketch your thoughts. With all the school supplies in stores right now, I just saw several journals for around $5-10, but a small notebook costing far less will work also. You sound like an expressive person and write well. You might like journaling! All the best, Ceanna

Dx 2014, IDC, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Multi-catheter Surgery Lumpectomy: Right
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Aug 10, 2018 08:37AM vampeyes wrote:

JadeJo - I left facebook awhile back and don't miss it. All the drama, the bragging, it was depressing. I do love BCO, I have made some wonderful friends, some who have helped me and some I have helped. This community has a lot of wonderful people and no one would think you are a pest. We always love hearing about others experiences, so keep on sharing! 💞

xxx

Dx 9/20/2017, IDC, Left, 1cm, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 10/18/2017 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 11/15/2017 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 1/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 3/1/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Aug 10, 2018 04:13PM Jadedjo wrote:

Vampeyes

Thank you.It hit me that the absolute silence from them was hurting me more then the cancer diagnosis. I figure if I'm gone I don't see the lack of anything from them.

ceanna

The problem with journaling is I can't read my own darn writing. in school I would have to ask my friend what I wrote ,lol.

The breast cancer nurse is coming with me to my PS appt she was there for the surgeon one too. I don't trust doctors and they never seem to listen to me I got lucky with the surgeon he understood that my gut instinct was telling me dmx and respected it even though he urged lumpectomy.the last time I ignored my gut telling me something was wrong I missed the chance for an earlier diagnosis because I ignored the breast cancer  "omens" that kept popping up in front of me from march to June .

I get confrontational when I get frustrated with them  so it's good to have that buffer there. She was the one who took notes for me.she probably will at the PS too. I may ask her if she can come with me to the oncologist appt to because that's where the biggest struggle will be as I'm very anti chemo. 

Although the surgeon did say if any doctor gives me trouble because I'm against certain treatments to report them because it's the mission of those who work in cancer care to help the patient make decisions they can live with and the risks involved,not what they think they should do they can suggest and gently urge but if they give attitude then they need to be reported. surgeon was very adamant about that. Which helped me relax a little for the appt.

Not saying I wouldn't do chemo but it's very last resort for me.my system is so sensitive that any damage chemo does would be permanent and despite medications I would get bad side effects.i have llived years with health issues that have destroyed my quality of life I don't have much left.I would definitely journal then to know what helps and what makes things worse.

Thank you,blessed be.

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 10, 2018 05:41PM WC3 wrote:

I don't think you are being a pest at all either. I'm not much for Facebook either. I am a little socially inept and not very good at making friends despite people seeming to like me, and Facebook tends to rub that reality in. Most of my posts get ignored and then I am shown photos of people having a good time with their friends.

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Aug 11, 2018 04:59AM Jadedjo wrote:

WC3

Thanks I tend to be overwhelming sometimes because I don't communicate  much with people in the "outside" world.

I'm the same way. People say they like me but If they do they have a weird way of showing it. Except for my one friend all my posts get ignored and I didnt get invited to events when I had friends here.

 I post funny pics,recipes that I wish I could eat or afford and the strange humorous adventures when I'm out in the outside world (for some reason I attract crazy people but in a fun way) or when I get lost about 15 min from my home and meet some interesting people. (my sense of direction is broken) I call it accidentally exploring instead of lost though.

ya some of my posts are depressing but they can easily skip over those.

Like today I would have made a post about how when I was working out I managed to put too much oomph lifting from my knee lift side lunge thingy  and catapulted myself through the kitchen archway. I seriously gotta learn to stick near the big window though mostly I am grateful it wasn't  the wall which is also something I have also  done by accident.i hope I did it with gracefulness.

Yep balance and clumsy don't mix well.

Blessed be, 

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 11, 2018 05:39AM WC3 wrote:

Jadejo:

I haven't found you to be overwhelming at all. I think if others have a problem with the volume or frequency of your posts, that is their problem, not yours, but I don't think anyone here does. Human interaction is import. I've brought a lot traffic to various websites in recent weeks myself as I've been holed up inside most of the day due to the heat and chemotherapy. We help the websites make money :-)

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Aug 11, 2018 07:59AM ceanna wrote:

JadedJo, glad the nurse is going with you to your appointment. She can help clarify any questions you have and be of help in reviewing the details later. I often called the nurse navigator at my breast center when I had questions instead of trying to get in touch with each doctor. She was great at compiling the information from the doctors and answering my many questions. I chuckled when I read your comment about your handwriting--mine is also bad, but I keep handwriting in a journal--no one else will be able to read without a lot of effort so it seems more private. Sometimes I think I might switch to journal on my computer, but I'm already on my computer too much and think it's more relaxing to journal by handwriting. All the best, Ceanna.

Dx 2014, IDC, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Multi-catheter Surgery Lumpectomy: Right
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Aug 11, 2018 09:18AM LovefromPhilly wrote:

I left FB a long time ago thanks to my therapist recognizing all the pain and depression and grief being on social media was causing me. I have since left IG as well as deleted all my news apps. I figure it there’s something important to know, I’ll find out eventually. I could no longer ride that emotional rollercoaster.

I do think that part of the “cancer journey” is feeling the grief of loneliness as well as absolutely contemplating our deaths. It makes us sooo much wiser and more compassionate AND less likely to put up with BS anymore.

Good luck JadedJo! Know you are growing and healing with every emotional toxicity you remove from your life and Surround yourself with love.
With Love From Philly Dx 3/25/2017, IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy 4/4/2017 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Aug 11, 2018 12:53PM Meow13 wrote:

Interesting your gut instinct and omen about breast cancer. I too felt an omen several months before my regular mammogram. I had been under stress before my diagnosis. I had no lump or symptoms but vague feeling things were not right. I can't really explain it.

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Aug 11, 2018 01:08PM - edited Aug 11, 2018 01:08PM by Puzzlewoman

Hello! I have the same problem with handwriting, and I think faster than I can type or write. I'm thinking about recording my thoughts and having them translate to text as my journaling for me. Sending you all good thoughts ❤️

Dx 3/13/2018, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, ER-/PR- Surgery 3/26/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 6/4/2018 Breast
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Aug 11, 2018 03:24PM Jadedjo wrote:

Thank you all for the replies.

@meow13

Yes from the beginning of march until halfway into June I kept seeing stuff about breast cancer popping up all over the place, on posters out in places that had me going, huh?,on internet ads,one time I saw a pamphlet on a table at the mall and it had no reason to be there.

 It got so much that i looked up at the sky one day and said "is somebody trying to tell me something??.I even did a breast check with my fingers for the first time in years and felt a lump in my left breast but It disappeared not long after and I know cancer lumps don't disappear.

not the first time I had cysts so wrote it off as that. When I had pain in my right breast in may I figured same thing.pain went away so I figured it was just an active cyst. Same thing when the CT said there was a lump. I wasn't worried it was just the darned cysts being jerks again.never felt the actual cancer lump.surgeon says it's "vague" so not surprising I didn't.

 I had a dreamt of two Wolves a few weeks before I had the CT where one bit me on the right arm(cancer breast) wolves are a death omen for me I dreamt of a pack in the deep woods before my dad died,I dreamt of a pack in a forest before my mom died and I dreamt of two playing in a meadow before a close family friend died,I thought I was going to get a phone call that someone I was close to died and at one point I said to a friend since it bit me and it was at the door of my childhood home (which they have never done before) maybe it's me. A month and a half later I got the cancer diagnosis.

Completely blindsided when they said it was probably cancer. The universe,God or whoever had been trying to tell me since early spring and I ignored it.

Now every time I think of just doing a lumpectomy and rads something inside me is saying "it's not going to be enough" when I think dmx that feeling goes "your chances are better,not 100%, but better"

Since my dreams try to tell me things,If the dream I had a half a week ago comes true .where I was at my childhood home and checked the mailbox and there was a pathology report in an envelope and when I opened and read what was inside it said metastasized to liver 3cm tumor. I will get liver mets eventually if it's the universe or my body trying to tell me something.

Considering what came before I'm not ignoring it even though I fully admit it could be fear based so I'm going into this realizing  it may already be too late.but maybe I buy myself a few more years. Make what's left of my life worth something then the worthless pathetic mess it is now.im also not 100% sure I will survive surgery even though I am doing my best to physically prepare for it.

Bluntly put I've had too many "prophetic" dreams and "feelings"that have literally saved my life a few times   so I am learning not to ignore anything anymore.i shouldn't have this time. 

If there is something I learned out of all this it's don't ignore your gut and if the signs are freaking obvious get checked out. If I had went and got checked when the pain started in may I would already have had surgery by now.

People, If you got a feeling something is wrong don't ignore it.

That feeling is there for a reason.

Blessed be.

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 11, 2018 03:40PM Meow13 wrote:

jadedjo, I think there are things we don't understand. I remember being in the car on the way to work and on the radio they were talking about a local breast cancer medical group "when" you get breast cancer. I remember thinking what "when" not "if". I didn't have any dreams I remember with a warning, but I did have a dream foreseeing my miscarriage. The day I found out I was miscarrying I felt a strong presence of my deceased grandfather. He was trying to comfort me that everything was going to be ok. A year later my oldest son was born.

Kind of makes me think there is something to the idea of having a guardian angel.

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Aug 12, 2018 07:11AM Jadedjo wrote:

I know there is something out there. I don't know what but it's something.


Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 12, 2018 07:48AM mustlovepoodles wrote:

Interesting, meow. I had a forewarning dream when I was 15 weeks pregnant with my first daughter. I worked in the NICU at the time and would often have dreams about the babies at work. This particular night I dreamed that I came in to the NICU to find people standing deep around a crib. I elbowed my way to the front and found my tiny baby looking up at me with the most brilliant sapphire blue eyes. I heard someone whisper, "she's not going to make it." I scooped up my baby and ran to the car, tossed her into a carseat and peeled out of the parking deck. As I was waiting at the light, my baby said, You know I can't stay." And then I woke up. I found out the next day that my baby had died inside me. People didnt understand why I wanted to name her, since she was only a 15 week fetus. But i had MET HER and she was real to me. I named her Stacia Mary Catherine and she would be 27 now. I can still recall her beautiful eyes.

I had a similar dream about my youngest son when I was 5 months pregnant with him. Once again, I came to a baby's bedside in the NICU. I elbowed my way through the crowd and saw my full-term son, blue-eyed like his sister. My blood ran cold. But the doctor said, "it's okay. He will have a hard time, but he's not going to die. Stand back and let us work on him." And they pushed me aside so I couldn't see him any longer. I woke up in a cold sweat, knowing with certainty that my baby had something badly wrong with him. The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful, but I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. At birth, he seemed normal but there was just something "off". I kept looking for answers over the next 3 months, until the doctors insisted that I was just being neurotic, I needed to hold the baby more, I needed to relax, etc. Hell's bells! I was a freaking NICU nurse, not some 15 year old with no experience. I KNEW something was wrong and nobody would listen to me.

Finally, at 4 months I went to the pediatrician and refused to leave until they thoroughly checked him out. And, oh, what they found...he was starving because he had such a poor suck. He was failure to thrive and wasting away. He appeared to be blind. He didn't smile, engage, or roll over. All he did was scream and sleep. It took another year & a half to put a name to it, but eventually we learned that he has a very rare chromosome disorder which kills most babies in utero. Those who live have multiple physical disabilities and severe-profound intellectual disabilities. And my son was all those things. And blue -eyed, too.

I don't give all my dreams credibility, but in the case of those two dreams I just "knew" things.

Oncotype 23. Positive for PALB2 & Chek2 gene mutations. My breasts are trying to kill me! Dx 7/20/2015, DCIS/IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 8/20/2015 Lumpectomy Surgery 9/3/2015 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 10/19/2015 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 2/4/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 10/19/2016 Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole) Surgery
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Aug 12, 2018 08:29AM Jadedjo wrote:

I am sorry to hear what you have gone through. I think sometimes whether it is created within us or something out there. We get warnings to prepare us for the hard times.


Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+
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Aug 12, 2018 01:48PM Meow13 wrote:

Oh mustlovepoodles, you have been through so much. I call what you had a premonition dream. They are completely different than regular dreams. My miscarriage dream, the premonition dream, was reality that happened days in the future. Jadedjo, I think you are right they are preparing us and warning us. Life can be so very difficult and painful. I try not to think about what the next 20 years will look like for me. There will be pain but there will be happiness too. My mom is concerned she is reaching her mid 80s. She just wants to be ok and not suffer toward the end. You can't choose how you go just got to go with the hand you are dealt.

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Aug 13, 2018 08:21AM Jadedjo wrote:

I don't look to the future anymore, I have been left betrayed and disappointed all too often.

What I hate is how some people sail through life and then others spend most of it suffering in some form.

I know people who are so dang evil get everything handed to them like constant lottery winners.

Dx 7/2018, IDC, Right, ER+/PR+

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