Topic: I left.

Aug 8, 2018 09:15PM Meow13 wrote:

I have been there. Sometimes you just need to say screw them. Getting offline can be liberating. Done it myself.

Aug 8, 2018 10:22PM Jadedjo wrote:

@mustlovepoodles

Thanks.I think I'm being a pest,without much supports in the offline world I been overdoing it here. I was able to take a step back and recognize that. I will still be watching.maybe answer a couple but I'm taking a step back and realizing that I should just keep my words to myself 80% of the time.

@meow13

Thank you,Sorry you been there I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone.pretty much my last post on fb was a polite way of saying screw you ...because I'm Canadian,eh...

@ceanna

Thanks ,the reason i switch threads is because I am mostly unsure where some go like the updates and stuff because I have some answers but nothing has really started yet,the emotional stuff I know goes here and when I have surgery I will be posting the experience and aftermath in the surgery thread.however it goes .. I hope I'm one of the success stories but at this point my will to live is so low I may end up dying on the table.thats how broken I feel right now.cancer is  literally taking almost everything away from me.

I will have a small notebook with me cause past experience tells me I remember nothing said to me after I wake up from anesthesia so I will be asking a nurse or someone to write down what the doctor said. I will probably jot notes too as I come more back to myself.

Aug 9, 2018 08:28AM Snickersmom wrote:

You are certainly not a pest!! We have all ranted and raved, laughed and cried together. We are all sisters, banded together by a horrible thread that none of us want to have. So hang onto this wonderful bunch of women (and men, too). It has been a lifeline for m and can be for you, too.

Don't give up. You do have a reason to live but it just might not be clear to you at this moment. One step at a time.

Aug 9, 2018 01:12PM Meow13 wrote:

Jadedjo, you can always block certain people. I had to block someone that was constantly saying unwanted comments on BCO, directly and indirectly to me. I don't particularly want to do that but it really helped. We are here for support, taking a break can be very good for you.

Aug 9, 2018 03:59PM ceanna wrote:

JadeJo, it's great you plan to take notes about what the doctor says. That is just as important for pre and post appointments as it is for surgery and hospital release information. I found and still find that critical so I can review and remind myself of details and instructions.

You said 80% of the time you keep words to yourself so journaling might be a way of expressing yourself. I find journaling, separate from note taking, to be helpful to express my emotions, fears, concerns, and questions--not that anyone else but me is going to read it. See if you can find a pretty little notebook or journal and write out your thoughts or sketch your thoughts. With all the school supplies in stores right now, I just saw several journals for around $5-10, but a small notebook costing far less will work also. You sound like an expressive person and write well. You might like journaling! All the best, Ceanna

Aug 9, 2018 11:43PM - edited Sep 15, 2018 03:13PM by Jadedjo

Aug 10, 2018 12:29PM - edited Sep 15, 2018 03:13PM by Jadedjo

Aug 10, 2018 03:29PM ceanna wrote:

JadedJo, glad the nurse is going with you to your appointment. She can help clarify any questions you have and be of help in reviewing the details later. I often called the nurse navigator at my breast center when I had questions instead of trying to get in touch with each doctor. She was great at compiling the information from the doctors and answering my many questions. I chuckled when I read your comment about your handwriting--mine is also bad, but I keep handwriting in a journal--no one else will be able to read without a lot of effort so it seems more private. Sometimes I think I might switch to journal on my computer, but I'm already on my computer too much and think it's more relaxing to journal by handwriting. All the best, Ceanna.

Aug 10, 2018 08:23PM Meow13 wrote:

Interesting your gut instinct and omen about breast cancer. I too felt an omen several months before my regular mammogram. I had been under stress before my diagnosis. I had no lump or symptoms but vague feeling things were not right. I can't really explain it.

Aug 10, 2018 10:54PM Jadedjo wrote:

Thank you all for the replies.

@meow13

Yes from the beginning of march until halfway into June I kept seeing stuff about breast cancer popping up all over the place, on posters out in places that had me going, huh?,on internet ads,one time I saw a pamphlet on a table at the mall and it had no reason to be there.

 It got so much that i looked up at the sky one day and said "is somebody trying to tell me something??.I even did a breast check with my fingers for the first time in years and felt a lump in my left breast but It disappeared not long after and I know cancer lumps don't disappear.

not the first time I had cysts so wrote it off as that. When I had pain in my right breast in may I figured same thing.pain went away so I figured it was just an active cyst. Same thing when the CT said there was a lump. I wasn't worried it was just the darned cysts being jerks again.never felt the actual cancer lump.surgeon says it's "vague" so not surprising I didn't.

 I had a dreamt of two Wolves a few weeks before I had the CT where one bit me on the right arm(cancer breast) wolves are a death omen for me I dreamt of a pack in the deep woods before my dad died,I dreamt of a pack in a forest before my mom died and I dreamt of two playing in a meadow before a close family friend died,I thought I was going to get a phone call that someone I was close to died and at one point I said to a friend since it bit me and it was at the door of my childhood home (which they have never done before) maybe it's me. A month and a half later I got the cancer diagnosis.

Completely blindsided when they said it was probably cancer. The universe,God or whoever had been trying to tell me since early spring and I ignored it.

Now every time I think of just doing a lumpectomy and rads something inside me is saying "it's not going to be enough" when I think dmx that feeling goes "your chances are better,not 100%, but better"

Since my dreams try to tell me things,If the dream I had a half a week ago comes true .where I was at my childhood home and checked the mailbox and there was a pathology report in an envelope and when I opened and read what was inside it said metastasized to liver 3cm tumor. I will get liver mets eventually if it's the universe or my body trying to tell me something.

Considering what came before I'm not ignoring it even though I fully admit it could be fear based so I'm going into this realizing  it may already be too late.but maybe I buy myself a few more years. Make what's left of my life worth something then the worthless pathetic mess it is now.im also not 100% sure I will survive surgery even though I am doing my best to physically prepare for it.

Bluntly put I've had too many "prophetic" dreams and "feelings"that have literally saved my life a few times   so I am learning not to ignore anything anymore.i shouldn't have this time. 

If there is something I learned out of all this it's don't ignore your gut and if the signs are freaking obvious get checked out. If I had went and got checked when the pain started in may I would already have had surgery by now.

People, If you got a feeling something is wrong don't ignore it.

That feeling is there for a reason.

Blessed be.

Aug 11, 2018 02:41PM Jadedjo wrote:

I know there is something out there. I don't know what but it's something.

Aug 11, 2018 03:59PM Jadedjo wrote:

I am sorry to hear what you have gone through. I think sometimes whether it is created within us or something out there. We get warnings to prepare us for the hard times.

Aug 12, 2018 03:51PM Jadedjo wrote:

I don't look to the future anymore, I have been left betrayed and disappointed all too often.

What I hate is how some people sail through life and then others spend most of it suffering in some form.

I know people who are so dang evil get everything handed to them like constant lottery winners.