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Topic: Mourning or grieving the life we give up to fight cancer

Forum: Emotional Crises: Anxiety, Depression & Other Emotional Effects —

Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around breast cancer fears, diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 8, 2018 06:54AM

Nisha517 wrote:

As you go through treatments, especially chemo, how does one mourn or grieve the life theygave up to fight cancer? And the giving up could've been so recent that you still miss it dearly but can't go back. I am grieving my hair, being able to wash it and do whatever I want with it. I am grieving my physical attributes such as my eyelashes and eyebrows, my clear skin. I am grieving the closeness with my husband. He is being wonderful , but I am not myself and am ashamed of what my body has turned into and it's hard for me to remain that close to him. I especially miss dressing up and going on dates with my husband. I am grieving my simple, care free life. I am grieving working. I am grieving grocery shopping. My new identity seems to be full time cancer patient.

I want to see if other people mourn losses during treatment.

Dx 7/11/2018, IDC, Left, Stage IIIA, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Targeted Therapy 8/10/2018 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 8/10/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab)
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Posts 31 - 35 (35 total)

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Feb 5, 2019 11:52AM AngelsGal57 wrote:

Hey there Philly,

I was DX in March 2017 and began treatment in May after all the tests were run and a firm plan of action was determined. we seem to be on a similar tract though I am her2+++ . I have found after 2 years that my hermit status has continued.

I think that my husband thinks that I should be up and around cleaning the house and maintaining it like I used to. BUT I am 61 years old, also working F/T 40 hours a week just as I did over the full 2 years of chemo, radiation and surgery. I only took disability leave the month of January 2018 to give my body a rest. That and a week off for surgery recovery.

I am going to retire from the work force in 3 years when I react 65 passing that baton to him. I have decided enough is enough. By then I can get on Medi-cal and not have to work just to have medical insurance.


Dx 3/20/2017, Right, 4cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Chemotherapy 5/10/2017 Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 10/4/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 11/14/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 7/4/2018 Arimidex (anastrozole), Aromasin (exemestane), Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Targeted Therapy 7/26/2018 Kadcyla (T-DM1, ado-trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole), Aromasin (exemestane), Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 5, 2019 08:01PM Greyt2mphrn wrote:

I have lost everything I had before BC. I lost my boyfriend, my job, my home due to BC. My family shuns me-it is like BC is an infectious disease. No longer am I invited to Thanksgiving, no calls for my birthday- my aunt came to my hospital room to tell me that I am no longer welcome. When my uncle died, I we only allowed to come to his memorial. I was not allowed to sit with my family and wasn't invited to the lunch afterwards. When my cousin had an engagement party, I heard about it but wasn't invited. All I get I say random text checking if I am stillalive. I live in my car and because of the extreme cold, I have frostbite. My doctors want nothing to do with me; my heart failure is "my fault". I am jealous of everyone who is healthy. And everytime i see those commercials for mbc, I break down in tears. I know that those of us with mbc deserve equal time but it is like acid in an open wound. My friends trampled each other on the way out the door. I have nothing, no one, and no hope.

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Feb 5, 2019 09:22PM - edited Feb 5, 2019 09:22PM by LoveFromPhilly


Grey - Your post made my heart want to come wrap around you and hug you. I am sorry you have been feeling and experiencing so much outcasting and rejection from those who are supposed to love and support you. That is a really brutally f*cked up situation.

I don't know what I can do to offer you help but the first thing that came into my mind was that while you have every right to be pissed, grieve, yell scream and cry, that I feel an inkling of hope in this messiness that you have the power and strength to be whoever you want to be and find a new tribe who will love and respect you. And who are wise enough to know how to treat and act around people who unfortunately succumb to illness in their lives. Like your friends and family have never been sick or had anyone be sick or get a diagnosis of some sort like diabetes or high blood pressure or heart disease where they had to take some type of medication? What a BS catch 22 that is!!

Screw them!! Time to find your people who love you and care you. There's billions of humans on this planet. So many of us feel and experience loneliness. We find ways to find one another in the midst of having toxic families. Hugs

💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏽‍♂️ 💫 🧚🏽‍♂️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ Dx 3/25/2017, IDC, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy 4/4/2017 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Feb 5, 2019 10:45PM edwards750 wrote:

Grey - OMG your own family? You don’t have leprosy and even if you did good grief they are family. Shame on them and your doctors. I’m so sorry -you don’t deserve this. I wish there was some way we could help. Maybe there is an agency that can offer assistance. A church group? My church has a social ministry that is very proactive. We also have a Room at the Inn when people need a place to stay for the night and something to eat. There are countless other places that offer refuge.

Finally your family’s actions are reprehensible. I don’t understand why they have turned on you this way. It’s just unspeakable.


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Feb 11, 2019 12:06PM - edited Feb 11, 2019 12:12PM by Amica

Grey - I am so sorry to hear about your terrible situation --- your family sounds absolutely heartless. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find at least some support on these boards.

I am having a bad day, because lately every day seems to be a bad day. I would love to go one month without some horrible doctor's appointment which always involves discussion of horrible things, or appointments full of horrible procedures,, or endless blood draws, endless side effects from medication that the doctors don't give the time of day to. My eyebrows and eyelashes are nearly gone, and my hair is so thin it's embarrassing, and this time they will not be coming back. I look ten years older than I did a few months ago. Usually in the winter I go to Florida, so far this year my illness has prevented that, and I am stuck in the brutal Canadian winter weather. It is hard to even go for a walk, without a hundred layers on, it is slippery, and it is usually a miserable fight with a bitter wind. The days are grey and cold.

Today I was thinking, "how can I go on like this?" Because it will never end. It's not like when I had Stage II cancer and there was an end in sight of all the treatments. Now it will go on as long as I can survive, and I can hardly stand it. I wish I could "cherish each day", but I hardly have the energy to get out of bed and have to force myself to eat.

1998 at 39 Stage 2 IDC, 1/16 nodes, ER/PR +, HER2-,Gr 3, surgery, AC + Taxol, rads, oopher/hysterectomy, Tamoxifen, Aromasin completed 2010 - Aug 2018 metastatic recurrence Stage IV, ER+ PR- HER2-, Gr 3, Sept 2018 Letrozole/Ibrance, Prolia

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