I have been relatively 'unflappable' through my treatment for DCIS - lumpectomy and radiation. Perhaps having recently supported a friend through chemo for breast cancer, I had perspective from the start that this was, relatively speaking, no big deal. I will also start a low dose of Tamoxifen within the next 3 months.
I had a 3 week course of whole breast radiation, followed by a 4 day boost (I ended up doing 3 days). The boost was primarily because I had a 1 mm margin at the skin, and the surgeon took all the breast tissue he could possibly take. My RO agreed the boost was likely to be of small added benefit to me.
Everything went pretty swimmingly, all considered. I treated the breast 2x daily with mometasone cream prescribed by the doctor, and had only minor skin side effects. I did feel generally unwell during rads, some days were better than others. I decided to do the boost. Out of the blue, the night before my last treatment I had an irrational meltdown and decided I couldn't do anymore. After I missed it, and removed my stickers (negating the chance to do it later that day), I had a bigger meltdown that somehow this ONE treatment, 25% of my boost, was going to be the consequential one that would determine my long term outcome. I know that's not rational given what my RO said, and I think my reaction is more complicated than that. I think I missed out on having the symbolism of an "official" end of treatment, a clear delineation to tell my mind "we're done!" and thus I feel incomplete.
Yes, I had anxiety before treatment (!) but this came in like a tidal wave out of nowhere... after coping super well throughout. I planned to finish. I don't know what happened and I hate that my mind is now using that missed day to torture me.
I appreciate having a place to vent this.I feel like my mind is an evil mad scientist!
12/31/2018, DCIS, Left, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-
2/11/2019 Lumpectomy: Left
Log in to post a reply