Apr 27, 2019 11:40AM
Apr 27, 2019 11:49AM
Sorry if it sounds like I am whining, but I really just need to vent and if the post rambles on I am sorry about that as well (chemo brain is not fun)
I guess I really just need to vent to someone, anyone really. I am just so tire of pretending like everything is okay and my life does not feel as though it is imploding. I will say I am truly fed up of people asking if I am okay and before I even answer start telling me I will be okay....I mean let me actually answer you before YOU start telling ME how I am! I hope that I am okay and I pray every day that the stuff I am going through will work and destroy the cancer. But you know it is all a crap shoot, we can only hope and pray that we have done all we can to stop it, but there is always that chance that it did not work.
I do feel lucky that I have not had as bad of side effects from treatment so far compared to so many others in this community, so I do not want to offend anyone with this post. I also know that this could be much worse...and I worry about that as well. I guess my anxiety is just going through the roof right now. New aches and pains showing up that just seem to add that much more worry about did it spread or is it just a normal side effect? The doctor does not seem to be worried and says it is just a side effect of treatment....trying to believe him.
It is not just the cancer, the fatigue, and side effects of treatment. I have a business that is greatly declining and we could potentially lose our only means of income and health insurance. So now I have to worry what is going to happen if we have to close the doors for money and how I would be able to continue my treatment. Not to mention the sense of failure of that happening. My husband and I are constantly fighting because of all the stress of the cancer, the business, and then he is still grieving from his father passing away from liver cancer. Just crappy!
All this stress is just really getting to me and bringing me down. I have not really cried very much since the cancer diagnosis was confirmed back in August 2018, but it seems as every little thing sets me off now. I work really hard at not crying in front of my husband or letting my son see me cry so sometimes it just comes out while I am driving or when I am trying to go to sleep at night. I am working really hard not to let this get to me. I tell myself to keep fighting that God would not put more on me than I can handle, but I just do not know how much more I can handle.
Once again sorry for the whining, but I needed to get that out!
Diagnosed @35, BRCA2 +
8/7/2018, IDC, Left, <1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-
10/14/2018 Lymph node removal; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left); Mastectomy (Right); Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander; Reconstruction (Right): Tissue Expander
10/25/2018, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
11/26/2018 AC + T (Taxol)
5/21/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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