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Topic: I'm not on a "journey" and I'm not a "warrior." Who is with me?

Forum: Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts —

Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around anxiety, depression & other emotional effects.

Posted on: Dec 7, 2020 01:49PM

MochiPie wrote:

No offense to those of you who see this as such, but I do not. I feel like that symbolism is tantamount to a quest for enlightenment and that is bullshit. It's hard not to bristle when people without this diagnosis assume that's who I am now. I was never that kind of person before, and I don't see myself becoming that kind of person in the future. I'm not sure if mental health is the right place to put this, but the way I see my diagnosis and treatment versus the way most other people categorize it makes me feel as if I'm the odd one out.

My take is that I have a disease that is being treated, not fought. I received tests and a diagnosis that stressed me out more than I thought anything could, rocked me to my core, and brought an immediate pivot to my perspective and priorities. I suspect that by the time I am finished with treatment, it will change me more, possibly permanently, possibly not. It's definitely transformative, physically and mentally, no doubt about it.

Can this be a safe space to bitch about that touchy feely stuff?

Dx 11/3/2020, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Surgery 11/11/2020 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 12/8/2020 Taxol (paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 12/8/2020 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy 3/22/2021 Whole-breast: Breast
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Aug 20, 2021 12:21PM MinusTwo wrote:

Great. Thanks for sharing Traveltext.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Aug 20, 2021 09:14PM - edited Aug 20, 2021 10:22PM by grandmaadams

Thanks to all for your support

Moth ... appropriate touching to put my breast in the machine is not a problem. I have had techs lift my breast, smooth my breast and pull it forward into the machine. What you described is expected. The problem is that what she did was completely unnecessary and had nothing to do with putting me in the machine. I gave her more than one opportunity to tell me why she did it. She just pointed at the machine and said let's just do this. Then the mammogram and the necessary touching she did was completely appropriate. If she had given me a reason she needed to use two hands to grope my breast while I was standing three feet away from the machine I doubt I would have allowed it. If she had told me she needed to palpitate my scar, it was visible, she didn't need to look for it. I was able to talk to the radiologist right after my scans and asked if they were good scans and he said they were fine. You sound incredibly considerate and empathetic. By your description the “poking and prodding" you do is for a reason. I can't get the reason why I was groped and she certainly never gave me any warning or asked my permission. Thank you for trying to give me an explanation. If there had been a valid reason for the touching I could forgive the lack of communication but it won't ever happen again. I'll warn the next tech. Thanks again for letting me vent. It definitely helps

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Aug 26, 2021 09:20AM Boomer76 wrote:

I agree!!! I love F the pink ribbon!!! Not on a journey.

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Sep 7, 2021 11:49PM rubyredslippers wrote:

Absolutley agree with this. I've been told I'm stronger than I think - even though I repeatedly tell this person that i'm not - I just have no choice.

As for 'brave' - when it comes to this, I'm scared, depressed and angry a lot of the time. I think it's because other's are so scared of cancer, that because we go through it we must be so brave. But what is frustrating is that even when you try to tell them you're not feeling that was, they don't listen. Just keep saying it, or else they imply you're being too negative.

So, my conclusion is that only brave, strong warriors get cancer. If you're a coward, and classify yourself as weak and pathetic, you can't possibly get cancer. And yes, it's not a journey it's a shitfest.

But as is always the case, listening to us and how we really feel isnt the priority - we're told how and who we are and how we should feel by people who don't know what they're talking about.

I no longer feel comfortable displaying my diagnosis.
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Sep 8, 2021 01:32AM BCinfoseeker wrote:

This thread is cathartic.As a newly dxed person, it feels like unknowingly stepping into a coiled nest of barbed wire; there’s no “happy outcome” or “surviving”. Just trying to get through.

Dx at 61. Three masses detected right breast; Bi-Rads 5. Initial biopsy false negative. Lumpectomy pathology: Multi-focal IDC. Surgery 8/27/2021 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 9/2/2021, DCIS/IDC: Cribriform, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2021 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 11/17/2021, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes Surgery 11/17/2021 Mastectomy: Right
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Sep 8, 2021 05:50PM grandmaadams wrote:

Rubyredslippers and BCinfoseeker ... sorry to say ... welcome to the club. I was diagnosed in 2018 and completely refused to be sunshine and roses for anyone. My husband knows me well enough to know I would reach out to the people I needed and didn't want to talk/discuss/listen to advice or hear horror stories from anyone else. Bless his heart, he came home one day and the first words out of his mouth were, I swear I didn't tell them. Someone had seen me at the doctors office and asked my husband what was going on. He said, she's very private and the best thing to do is not talk about cancer unless she mentions it. They were good friends and followed his advice without getting offended. Fortunately my cancer was/is not aggressive and I'm in the 5 year follow up with mammograms, breast MRIs and Letrozole.

As for being brave, unless you've been on that road, there is no brave. The emotional roller coaster is so completely draining. Even now two weeks before a mammo or MRI, anxiety kicks in ... what if ... I still don't feel OK with my body, I've been betrayed.

BCinfoseeker, it looks from your information that we have a very similar diagnosis.

Best wishes and empathy to all on this journey. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, gather your emotional rocks close and the hell with anyone else who can't deal with it.

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Sep 8, 2021 10:07PM rubyredslippers wrote:

Grandmaadam - I'm not new to this. I was diagnosed in 2008, and have been through it twice since. The latest is again this year. My experiences and anger are deep. there is so much crap attached to this.

I'm getting increasingly tired of all the covid stuff about their depression, fears and uncertainty - yet before covid, what have we been force fed? Any hint of these feelings results in we're not being positive enough? We're supposed to hid those feelings and be brave warriors.

I no longer feel comfortable displaying my diagnosis.
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Sep 9, 2021 03:17AM BCinfoseeker wrote:

Grandma - My mom died in 2019 of ovarian. Undiagnosed for months - it was the size of a grapefruit when they found it. Inoperable; she was 86 and just decided to pull the ripcord and lived two months at home with hospice care and never left the house again.

I thought I was going to get a *little* more time before this deal became part of my life like a very unwanted guest that messes up the kitchen and shits on the floor. And I too am pretty private. My false negative biopsy came after a BI-RADS 5 US which I should have taken more seriously. But I kind of whooped it up in August after the biopsy results, thinking I was going to escape relatively unscathed. I told a few people about my false negative diagnosis that I wish I hadn't. But, I've just stopped texting them since the surgery and dx; maybe I'll hear from them and maybe I won't!

We can chat more about our dxes... for now zzzzzzzzz.

Hugs to all

Dx at 61. Three masses detected right breast; Bi-Rads 5. Initial biopsy false negative. Lumpectomy pathology: Multi-focal IDC. Surgery 8/27/2021 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 9/2/2021, DCIS/IDC: Cribriform, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2021 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 11/17/2021, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes Surgery 11/17/2021 Mastectomy: Right
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Dec 1, 2021 02:38PM GR4C1E wrote:

To my coworker who's been complaining to me (of all people) about how she's been suffering so much with a really bad cold:


Dx 9/2/2011, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 10/25/2011 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Chemotherapy 11/23/2011 AC + T (Taxotere) Dx 1/4/2021, IDC, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 1/20/2021 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 7/20/2021 Gemzar (gemcitabine) Chemotherapy 9/16/2021 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 10/7/2021 Taxotere (docetaxel)

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