Topic: How do you get past the fear and sadness after dx

Forum: Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts — Meet and support others who are affected by these issues around anxiety, depression & other emotional effects.

Posted on: May 29, 2021 03:55PM

Posted on: May 29, 2021 03:55PM

loverofjesus wrote:

Ok this is what me and my hubby are struggling with.

How do you get past the fear and sadness after diagnosis? Like it’s stolen my joy! Yea I’m a Christian and yes I’m praying. But I’m human. And this is so hard.

I can’t seem to enjoy anything because the thoughts of cancer is always there. I grieve what I am losing. And how treatments will change me.

My poor hubby he is kind of this way too. Plus there is fear.

How did everyone get past this worst part mentally??

This site has been so helpful. Cancer is as much mental as it is phy

Hormonal Therapy 5/21/2021 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy 5/21/2021 Whole breast: Right breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Dx 5/22/2021, ILC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 6/15/2021 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 11/2/2021 Mastectomy (Right): Simple; Prophylactic mastectomy (Left); Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander; Reconstruction (Right): Tissue Expander
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May 29, 2021 04:56PM jhl wrote:

Hi Lover,

Yes, cancer is definitely a mental challenge. Here is what has worked for me. After my initial month or two of just wrapping my head around my diagnosis, I decided I would only devote a certain amount of time during the day or week to stewing about my plight. As a couple, my husband & I would only allow ourselves a limited amount of time in any one day to discuss the future or plans for the future. I am a worrier by nature, but years ago I learned that worrying only steals time for the present. I am also old enough to know that so many things I worried about either didn't come to pass or ended up being small issues & not worth the worry.

Sleeping can be a problem when you are faced with big challenges. I spent months with a paper & pen next to my bed where I would write down something I couldn't shake. That either allowed me to build a list of questions or concerns for my medical providers or I would bring it up when my husband & I gave each other the space to talk about my cancer. Also, cry when you need to and let your husband cry when he needs.

Remember this - the worst has happened already. Now, you can build a plan for treatment and for the life you want to live.

All the best,

Jane

Dx 11/15/2019, IDC: Cribriform, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 29, 2021 04:58PM exbrnxgrl wrote:

LOJ,

You are very recently diagnosed. It does take some time to adjust to a bc diagnosis. So please allow yourself to go through the emotional ride. Time will be the best helper as you come to grip with your reality.

When I was first dx’ed, after the initial shock and before I knew I was stage IV, I decided that regardless of how long or short my life might be I was not going to fritter it away on things I couldn’t control nor would I waste my days on worrying about what might happen in the future. It was a very conscious decision that I had to work on but it was worth it because worry changes nothing and simply robs you of happiness today. Even when it was discovered that I had mets a mere 6 weeks after my bmx, I gave a lot of thought to how I wanted to spend my time and I chose deal with what I knew at the time, in an informed rational manner and not dwell on a future I had no control over. Again, not an easy thing to do but so worth it. I also saw a psychiatrist who specialized in cancer patients and I take an anti-depressant. I have a different perspective on what I’ve lost in that like most I have dreams and plans for the future, but I always knew that despite dreams and plans, nothing was guaranteed. As they say, sh*t happens and sometimes it’s a gigantic pile ! Treatments will most like have some physical/emotional effects on you but they will also likely be the thing that keeps your bc from progressing. Your end goal is to keep your cancer at bay.
I have lived an active, full life since my stage IV dx almost 10 years ago. What a pity it would have been had I not sought help for worry and anxiety and frittered away 10 years about things that might or might not happen andover which I had no control.

It may take some time but you and your husband are adults and will rise to the occasion as most of us and our families do. Take care.


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May 29, 2021 05:16PM bcincolorado wrote:

I know you are scared. When I was diagnosed we had already gone through several health issued with my husband already that were life threatening. We kind of felt like a good sense of humor through our trials helped us a lot. We support each other help when someone needs assistance with something since we each have our own issues going on. Trying to not focus only on medical things helps too keep your lives as normal as you can as well.

I also found out by going on my church prayer list during my active treatment that there were a few others in the congregation that I did not know had been through this. We also could support each each other that way in person at church as well.

There are several different threads here for people of faith that may also be helpful to you as well.

Will keep you in my prayers.

Dx 8/2009, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/1/2010 Mastectomy (Left): Nipple Sparing; Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander Surgery 1/7/2010 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left) Hormonal Therapy 1/15/2010 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Hormonal Therapy 1/30/2016 Femara (letrozole) Hormonal Therapy 1/1/2020
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May 29, 2021 06:55PM alicebastable wrote:

If you look at my info, you'll see I'm a cancer collector. I probably freaked out a bit with my first one, but once it was past, I adjusted with the help of a forum very similar to this one. The second one, though lightweight, just made me mad, like it was adding insult to injury. The last two I just said, "Well, okey-dokey then, when's surgery?" and my hubby and I scheduled as many fun things as we could for the six months it took for all the tests, surgeries, and treatment. Lots of time spent in nature and lots of humor and goofiness was my solution.

BCO is not trustworthy. Do not share personal information on this site. Surgery 7/10/2018 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Surgery 8/7/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/28/2018 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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May 30, 2021 03:11AM rah2464 wrote:

LoverofJesus - you are in mourning of a kind. The impact of a cancer diagnosis can trigger anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, fear - a whole host of emotions. Like mourning, it does get easier as time goes by. You will find you are an extremely resilient person. You do your treatments and deal with whatever comes your way. Eventually it will be come less present in your daily thoughts. At least that has been my experience. Please speak with your doctor about how you are feeling. There are resources that can assist you greatly - therapy or anti anxiety medications. One of the things that helped me the most was to begin chair yoga therapy with a group of cancer patients (caregivers are welcome also). The yoga therapy was tremendously helpful and the fellowship with people that understood truly how I felt was priceless. You will begin to find your balance again, be patient and kind to yourself.

Dx 5/23/2018, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 6/26/2018 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left); Mastectomy (Right); Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 7/26/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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May 30, 2021 03:43AM abigailj wrote:

LoverofJesus,

There’s a lot of great advice/approaches for you to consider from those who already answered. I’ll only add that for and my husband what works best is living life one day at a time - we don’t know what the future will bring and the past is another country and our passports don’t work there so no point dwelling on it. Hope your treatments go as smoothly as possible and that you and hubby are able to find some peace and also happiness even du these difficult days.

Abigail


Dx 1/2020, ILC/IDC, Both breasts, 2cm, Stage IB, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 6/22/2020 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left); Mastectomy (Right); Reconstruction (Left): DIEP flap, SIEA flap; Reconstruction (Right): DIEP flap, SIEA flap
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May 30, 2021 10:18AM momand2kids wrote:

I would agree with what has been said- of course it is at the forefront of your mind right now and will be utnil you have a plan for how you are going to handle it--- It feels like it will always be your every thought but it really won't be-- there will be a time when it is not the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing before you go to bed-that time is just not right now.

Like Alice, I have had a couple of run-ins with low level cancers (breast, thyroid and melanoma) all that I learned during the bc experience helped me through the other two- we control so little in this life-- and exbrn is so right- how do you want to spend the time. It is too early for all of that now-one thing that helped me work through it was seeing a therapist-- I could say things there that I could not say anywhere else- and I went back each time I needed to. Do whatever works for you- whatever serves you right now.... deep breaths.

Dx 10/29/2008, ILC, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/24/2008 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right) Chemotherapy 1/15/2009 Adriamycin (doxorubicin) Radiation Therapy 3/22/2009 Breast Hormonal Therapy 6/14/2009 Femara (letrozole)
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May 30, 2021 10:40AM lillyishere wrote:

I love reading your posts AliceBastable Heart

“Within five years, cancer will have been removed from the list of fatal maladies.” That was the optimistic promise to U.S. President William Howard Taft in 1910 when he visited Buffalo’s Gratwick Laboratory, “What’s taking so long?” Dx 7/31/2019, ILC, Left, <1, Stage IIA, 2/5 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 7/31/2019 Aromasin (exemestane), Femara (letrozole) Surgery 9/1/2019 Lymph node removal (Left); Mastectomy (Left): Nipple Sparing; Mastectomy (Right): Nipple Sparing; Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Surgery 9/1/2019 Mastectomy (Left): Nipple Sparing; Mastectomy (Right): Nipple Sparing; Prophylactic mastectomy (Right) Surgery 9/19/2019 Lymph node removal; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left); Mastectomy (Right); Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 11/29/2019 Femara (letrozole) Dx LCIS/ILC, Both breasts, 2/5 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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May 30, 2021 01:50PM alicebastable wrote:

LillyIsHere

Aw, thank you!

BCO is not trustworthy. Do not share personal information on this site. Surgery 7/10/2018 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Surgery 8/7/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/28/2018 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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May 30, 2021 02:00PM loverofjesus wrote:

Thank you everyone!!! I think that the stage III freaked me out a bit. But after he explained why it was stage three I think I feel better. (Maybe).

I just want to live another at least 25 years. I know 86% of stage 3 are surviving. That within itself gives me hope.

Hormonal Therapy 5/21/2021 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy 5/21/2021 Whole breast: Right breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Dx 5/22/2021, ILC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 6/15/2021 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 11/2/2021 Mastectomy (Right): Simple; Prophylactic mastectomy (Left); Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander; Reconstruction (Right): Tissue Expander

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