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Topic: My husband is blaming me for being sick!

Forum: "Middle Age" 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer —

Meet others in this age-range who share similar life issues.

Posted on: Jun 11, 2012 06:45PM

RobertaJS wrote:

Hello all

I was diagnosed in January 2012 with stage 4 metastic breast cancer which had spread to my spine. Initially my husband was very supportive- while going thru back surgery, rehab to learn how to walk again and initially when I got home. I still have alot of physical limitations and need his help but he has become increasingly unwilling to support me as I try to get back on track. I'm beginning to feel like he was willing to support me if I died a quick death but isn't willing to live with me being ill and needing treatment. Not something I can talk about with friends, most of whom are mutual and not sure I want to admit this to my aging parents. Worried that his combative response is stressing me out and compromising my healing. It seems he expects me to apologize for being sick!

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Jun 11, 2012 09:18PM flannelette wrote:

I am so sorry this is happening. I too have been in situations where I'm pretty sure my partner's lack of support did compromise my healing, and it really hurt on severa levels. To not be able to confide in friends must make it doubly hard - my heart goes out to you.

I did eventually leave this man, partly because I knew that if I ever got anything like cancer he'd make things worse. I did get cancer, but was lucky enough by then to be with someone who really cared. 

My sister who is 87 had to have her leg amputated at age 84. till then she drove every day, loved going out. her friend of 50 years dropped her - as a friend - after taking her one out for coffee - which was rather hard as it meant lifting my sis' wheelchair into the car. she never even comes by. It has so hurt my sis, who can't figure out what she did "wrong".

I just don't understand some people.

Wishing i could help in some way, probably all I can do is listen. I wonder - is it a possibility you could talk with him about this is a non-blaming way? seems to me you are having to keep way too much to yourself!

hugs!

Dx 7/2008, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIB, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/29/2008 Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 9/30/2008 CEF Radiation Therapy 1/9/2009 Hormonal Therapy 2/14/2009 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 7/19/2012 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary Dx 7/20/2012, 0/6 nodes
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Jun 23, 2012 10:13AM lhoffelder wrote:

I just read your post and am so sorry for your situation, I don't have the same problem as my husband has been so supportive unfortunately he has been working out of town for a year and a half so most of what I have to go through I have had to do alone my family all live 7 hours and 2 states away. I do have a stepdaughter that went through the same thing as you with her husband (now ex). I will tell you that you have to have someone anyone you can talk to, as you know keeping your mind on getting better is what's important and you don't need any distractions. My thoughts are with you

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Dec 6, 2012 11:17PM Hortense wrote:

I realize this was written quite a while ago, but in case the OP, robertaJS, comes by, or someone in similar shoes to hers, I would encourage looking into counseling through your hospital or cancer center. Many offer free conseling as a lot of people have trouble coming to terms with their family member's illness.

Cold Cap user - kept my hair Dx 1/24/2012, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/29/2012 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Chemotherapy 5/8/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 8/24/2012 Breast Hormonal Therapy 10/16/2012 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Apr 21, 2013 09:22AM DonnsC wrote:

I have the same situation with my husband. Had my mastectomy in Dec 12'. Even after I came home other than asking if I was ok that was the extent of . I got very little help around the house either and I still feel some sort of way about that. Dishes piled up in the sink things like that. And I have adult children living at home and it makes me sad to know I need them and their help and have gotten none since I had my surgery, going through reconstruction getting chemo every three weeks and holding down a full time job. My daughter is the only one who checks on me but I don't feel like I should be burdening my 18 year old with the. Sad thing is I get more support from the people I work with.

Surgery 12/11/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Latissimus dorsi flap, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap, Tissue expander placement
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Apr 21, 2013 09:42AM chrissyb wrote:

Donna, I think it's time you sat your adult children and husband down and had a good heart to heart with them. Yes you are still working as with out you doing that your financial state would suffer but in the home you need, no, require their aide.

You have been there for them in times of illness and now it is your turn. Sometimes they just don't think that mom and wife needs help as we are always so capable of doing everything.

One thing I have learned, sometimes we just have to ask as they do not see.

Love n hugs. Chrissy

I found my peace which gave me strength. 52 at dx. Dx 12/8/2003, IDC, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, 0/12 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-

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