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May 5, 2018 10:18PM
Hey Y'all! Thank you again, for being here, for getting it, for the whole non-judgement thing... it means more than you could ever guess. Even though some of you are here too, and probably get it more than most.
I have a friend, who I dumped all of this on, tho I didn't feel it was fair to make her bear all of it alone. She lost her husband to lung cancer, even as a non-smoker, and, as a nurse, saw more than most. So, at her request, I took it to the support group, here, that got us all through the first time. I was astonished, but not, at the vehemence and resistance that I found. We all have kids, about the same age even, except for one who has grand kids this age. I get it. I do. I did it the first time because I had a small child. I asked for 10 years at that point, knowing my kid, knowing my circumstances, knowing that would be enough to set the kid on the right path and that nothing would deter that path once set. Knowing I had time to make it so. I did. The kid did. It's okay.
So, I'm mostly here to relieve my friend. She shouldn't have to carry this "secret" alone, and I'm going to need more than she can give as I learn to accept and come to terms with what's happening. In many ways, because of my history and the way my life just "is", it's a culmination. I think I mentioned I'm tired. *smiles* This thing wrecked my life the first time around and I never recovered. In the 10 intervening years, things have become worse, not better.
It would be easy to say that I am depressed and suicidal. It would still be wrong. Those things are true, to an extent, but not for the reasons that most would think.I don't really know how to explain it except for saying I asked (god? Tho I'm not really religious) for 10 years. I got them. Now my job is done and I can rest.
To answer the questions asked of me, no, I don't know that if it's a second primary or a recur, or even if it has spread. I don't want to know. As I mentioned before, I've never had a mammo that didn't lead to ultrasound that didn't lead to biopsy, so offering me a $50 discounted mammo doesn't really solve the problem. It just leads to more testing, more expense, more time off, more that I don't have to give. For what? The outcome remains.
Jaybird, I really get what you're saying, along with SWG and BluePearl. My child isn't much older than yours, Jaybird, but, again, she isn't 3 anymore, and her path is set. She's exceptional in every way. Not just saying that as a proud mom, it's true. Her sights are set on Stanford and she's set on law with a bend toward juvenile justice because of a lot of the things we've been through together. Her "idol" is Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and I don't think that's out of her reach in the least. Her teachers and mentors agree.
So, I'll hold it together as long as I'm able. I'm not sick now. I didn't feel "sick" the first time either, when I was told the tumor had probably been there five or six years and definitely interfered with breastfeeding. Five or six years? Seriously? That's much more time than I need! Tho, I will take every day and be grateful for it, even if it's far less than that.
The lump in the same breast (I have always second guessed my lumpectomy decision. I should have had mast and I let myself be talked out of it because I had a husband who as a "boob man" at the time.) feels exactly the same as the old one, tho a little smaller. It isn't growing quickly, as I've monitored myself over the last year or so. The first one changed much faster. It IS changing tho, so there is very little doubt. There are other things that I can't be sure about. Maybe I need new glasses (which are also unaffordable, I wear trifocals since my first round) or maybe we've got mets to the brain here. I've got some heavy duty bone pain going on. Might be the EDS, might be bone mets.
Does it really matter what it is? It can't be fixed either way. So the best bet is to learn to live with it, accept it, and make the most of what is, not what might be.
IDC Stage II, Grade III DX 11/23/08 ER+PR+98%, HER2-, BRCA1,2-, AXLND 12/18/08 +1/19 nodes w/vascular, OncoType 28, TCx6 DD 4/09, +Rads 7/09, +Hysto-Oomph 9/09, AI's 7/09 to 12/31/11 Arimidex, Aromasin, Femara w/ Effexor or w/ Cymbalta